A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help! Feel like i'm losing it all :( I will try and make this short. Been together with my boyfriend 11 years we have had our ups and downs. We are compatible for the most part and sex is not an issue. But I have put up with a lot and have jumped threw hoops to please him. I have stepped away from the relationship a few times just for him to come back apologizing/begging to come back. This last time a year or so ago he begged me to come live with him, he promised he will totally commit to our relationship along with so many other promises. I left a business/friends to start over with him. The plan was I was to get a job to support myself and pay some rent to him etc and we will try to move back in a couple of years to where we lived before(to be near family etc..) I warned him this will be hard but he said he could not do without me near him (he had to relocate for a job, we were going back and forth on weekends to see each other before moving which was exhausting) We have lived together years before and I payed him rent, bought groceries when he was unemployed, took care of him through numerous surgeries etc....Well since i moved down with him I barely make my own bills and unable to pay him rent. He does make really good money, has a expensive house, corvette, bikes etc....I have always paid my way through life until now and feel awful about it. I buy groceries as much as possible, clean the house, and do for him as much as possible because I cant contribute financially. It has been 8 months in this situation. Well he makes sarcastic remarks here and there reminding me im not paying rent and such. I then get depressed and lose my drive. He had promised to put me on his health insurance that did not work hard to do without being married, promised to pick a wedding date, buy me a promise,engagement ring (I did not care the price it could be 200$-1000$ just wanted something) but I guess because I was not producing enough to contribute I was not deserving. He bought a used motorcross bike and new car in the meantime before a ring. Feeling depressed and scared. Looking for words of encouragement. I made a big mistake I know:(Thank you in advance.....
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 July 2012):
 “but I guess because I was not producing enough to contribute I was not deserving.”
Oh this sticks out to me like a big huge elephant in the room.
He told you to move to be with him… therefore he needed to be prepared in this economy that work would be hard.
When my man moved to be with me he was telecommuting but we were prepared for him to lose his job. He did. In January… he’s still not working… thankfully I can cover all the bills… I want him working… it gives us extra income and savings…
He does not owe me money.
He does not pay RENT… he’s my PARTNER… partners do not pay rent. Fiancé’s do not pay rent… married and/or committed couples pay the bills as they get needed. I’m not a big believer in your money vs. my money vs. our money.. It’s ALL OUR MONEY..
IF you are home running the home all day, doing the laundry, cooking, and cleaning then you are pulling your own weight and this whole concept of “not being deserving” is a parental crock of shit.
Sorry what encouragement I can give you at this point is the encouragement to be strong enough to say “hey this is not working out I think I need to go back home”
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2012): " . . . he promised he will totally commit to our relationship"
If he was willing to commit to your relationship, then he would have married you.
"Looking for words of encouragement. I made a big mistake I know."
Good news is your mistakes have not caused you or anyone else lasting or permanent harm. Better news is you have absolutely zero legal, financial or moral obligation to him. Do whatever it takes to make you way back to where you've lived previously, and start reclaiming your life with the encouragement of family and/or friends.
You know where you stand with him and things will never change. You're in a difficult situation, but nothing that can't be overcome, and you are capable of mustering up the strength, pride, and dignity to rise to the challenges facing you, walk away from this loser, never look back, and start a new life.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, SweetIvy +, writes (12 July 2012):
I feel for you. It's time you put yOur foot down. I'm not sure what his issue is..but nevertheless, you deserve more than what he is giving u. My advice: sit him down and talk about how he is treating you and how it makes you feel. Let him know you need his support. If that does no good give him an ultimatum. If he is smart, he'll get his act together. If not, you will need to follow through on what you tell him you will do and DON'T LOOK BACK!! good luck hun!!
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (11 July 2012):
 What I'm seeing here is someone who isn't supportive of you. You moved away from family and friends to be with a man who lured you there with empty promises. Things aren't going perfectly, and he's on you about them. You do whatever you can for him, and he's having none of it.
He would rather buy cars and motorcycles than give you the ring you were promised (and deserve).
I believe you made a mistake, but I wont beat you over the head about it.
You're with someone who doesn't deserve you, and who doesn't treat you right. The fact that you're not able to contribute as much as you'd like to financially should have nothing to do with this. I highly doubt it's because you're not trying. It's hard to start over, and he doesn't seem to realise this as he's seemingly had an easy go of it.
This isn't someone you should want to be with, and by the looks of what you wrote, I don't think you really do want to be with him. Do yourself a favor hun and move back home. At least you will have the support of your family and friends while you get back on your feet. Just remember this situation when he comes calling again, because he will.
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A
male
reader, Bob Loblaw +, writes (11 July 2012):
You said that he promised to totally commit to this relationship if you moved back in with him. If that's true then he has violated that commitment by making you feel like you are now is indentured servant in the very house you live in. That's not committing to a relationship, that's bait-and-switch.
You have clearly made a tremendous sacrifice to be with him, and it is clear that he doesn't appreciate that. You've been together for 11 years, but it also sounds like you have a lot of trouble communicating what is really going on in your relationship. As the others have commented, we can't really tell you what to do in this situation, other than perhaps make it more clear to you what is really going on as seen by outsiders. I can tell you that from my perspective, it looks like you are only shortchanging yourself.
Be strong. I think you know what needs to be done. Don't think for a second that you won't be able to find love or happiness with someone else, in a different situation. Your current guy is belitting you not just in what he *says* but in what he *does*, or does *not* do. That's not respect, and when there's no respect there's really no basis for a healthy relationship with a future.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 July 2012):
 Seems like you are not his first or even second priority.
So you know where you are at in your life, is this something you want to KEEP doing or you want to change it? As I see it, the only way to change anything is to leave, go back and start over in a place with family/friends support and the possibility of a job.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (11 July 2012):
It sounds like you have not spoken to him about it and after 11 years I think you should be able to have these kinds of talks with someone. Talk to him and ask him how he feels and decide from there what you really want to do with your life.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 July 2012):
 You are looking for words of encouragement ... but to do what, encourage you to stay, or encourage you to leave?
It seems to me you have already given up almost everything to be with him, a business and all your friends, because he begged you to.
This man doesn't keep him promises, he lured you away from you had but has not kept his side of the bargain, health insurance hasnt happened, employment hasnt happened, an engagment hasn't happened and he doesn't value you.
So what now, can you put a dollar value on what you are doing, the housework, laundry, even sex, and present him with an invoice? Don't forget to put your new address on it so he knows where to send the payment.
I think deep down you know what you have to do .... consider my answer my encouragement!
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