A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, I'm really, really struggling now, and I don't know who I can turn to. Basically I just want honest answers, which my friends and family in real life don't seem to wish to give. Anyway, I'm almost 29. I will be 30 in a little over a year. I've tried for the longest time to find myself a girlfriend, but I've managed to find nobody. I've never been in any sort of a relationship, I'm still a virgin.So I tried my luck on Online Dating, as isn't that where desperate people go, searching for love?Anyway, looking at around 200+ rejections, so I asked one person as to why they rejected me. Their response was "Frankly you seem pretty desperate and really pathetic. Good luck finding somebody, but there's a high chance you will not find anybody. Your look like a complete creep in your picture. Never message me again."That really hurt. I don't care about getting rejected, but do they have to be so callous and cruel about it? So is there any chance of somebody like me finding anybody? Or is it just time to forget about it, and just die alone?
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male
reader, als77  +, writes (5 January 2011):
I guess she was more than honest... (seem desperate and pathetic may have been honest, but "there's a high chance you will never find anybody"?).
Do you have any close female friends? If so, have them read your profile or, even better, write one for you (so you don't seem desperate and pathetic). Change your picture (so you don't look like a freek) and avoid nags (so you don't get the BS).
There is one level of desperation that you might not have tried: foreign online dating (be even more aware of fraud!), that is: searching for someone as desperate as yourself (I have not had any luck with this yet, and there are serious problems with it, but maybe worth a try?)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): I think that you will find someone when you put yourself in a target rich environment. Like take things that intrest you and go explore them. If you like computers go to events and functions that target that area. Join social networks that deal with your interests. Tell me if it works *smile*
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): I was a 30 year old virgin. From this, I can say that it really messes with your head. Your outlook on life changes. You begin to feel like you're less than human, worthless. You see other people who you may consider to be losers, but they have girlfriends, with whom they're having sex. Sometimes in the apartment you can hear the people above or next door doing it So who's the loser now?
I was told that I was good-looking, good personality, all the usual shit. Hell, I even had girls telling me that I was too nice! They would give me the usual female bullshit about how "one of these days you'll meet someone so special..."
If this goes on long enough, you start to become filled with pure, unadultrated, burning, seething, hatred. This hatred is directed at everything: life, God, self, women, etc. Unless this hatred is at least mitigated (I've discovered that it's impossible to completely get rid of) it will eventually destroy you.
I had wanted a girlfriend since I was fifteen or sixteen. Not just for sex, but for the same reasons that everyone else does. When I realized that this wasn't going to happen, I changed my focus. In my mid twenties, I gave up on the idea of love and made the decision to pursue sex. Lo and behold, it worked!
You must come to your own decision that you want sex. Saying things like "waiting for the right one, be true to yourself," etc. This is all crap. I think it was Dr. Phil who said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If something isn't working, change it!
You must forget the romantic crap about love and sex, they have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Losing your virginity must be a discrete, conscious decision. Ideas like love just get in the way, throw them out. Once you have made the decision to lose your virginity, try to direct your activities with the opposite sex toward that end.
So, lesson number one: forget love.
I remember too well the "mystique" of women that so many people posted about. Women say that they don't want to be treated like objects. Ha! It was when I finally began to treat women like objects that things finally began to happen for me. Go figure...
That is lesson number two, and that is one that took me most of my adult life to learn.
When I was twenty-five, I met this girl named Sarah. She was attractive, but had spent a little too much time in the sun. I could tell right off that she was a freaky chick. We talked and exchanged phone numbers, then fell out of touch. A few years later, the neighbors went on vacation, and guess who was the house sitter next door? Sarah!
One night, she invited me over to watch a movie. She knew that I had no experience, and I think it was a turn-on for her. Anyway, it led to some seriously heavy petting. She asked if I wanted to fuck her, and I did, but we didn't have protection.
Anyway, she taught me alot that night. This marked the true beginning of my path toward not being a virgin.
I learned several things that night. First, there is absolutely no mystery about women. They're actually quite simple once you learn. My God, check out how they go apeshit over that Twilight crap, and then tell me how complex they are!
Second, if things seem right, do not be afraid to initiate contact. Sarah told me that if it wasn't wanted, the woman would push my hand away, etc. Might lead to an awquard moment, but so what. She also said that my hand probably wouldn't be pushed away too often.
So, step one: Find someone who you can confide in, someone a little freaky, and have them teach you.
A few months later, I was feeling down again, and even though bars aren't my thing, I went to one. This was a Wednesday night, and it wasn't too crowded. There was this super hot blonde sitting at the bar by herself. A small group of guys was standing a short distance away, trying to get the courage to approach her. Fuck them! I walked up and took the stool next to her. We chatted for about an hour or so, than began another hour-long make-out session right there at the bar, sitting on the stools, in front of everyone! It was absolutely awesome! After being a Goddamn celibate my whole life, I was going to make Goddamn sure the whole world saw me making out with this chick!
We then went to my place, and made out some more. I tried to go further, but, exactly as Sarah had said, she gave signals that she didn't want to. If she was ok with the status quo, then so was I. I did get far enough to see that she had both nipples pierced!
So, applying the lessons I learned from Sarah, "women are not a mystery" and "don't be afraid to initiate sexual contact," I had already come this far. I was still a virgen, but I was on my way!
Several months after that, I went to a party. I met a woman who was about twelve years older. By this time, I was thirty and she was forty-two. She was slightly overweight, but I like them with a little meat anyway. Her name was Stephanie. She had been divorced three times, but so what! We exchanged numbers and talked on the phone for a few weeks. One Thurs night, she asked if it was ok for her to come over and spend the weekend at my place. I said yes.
On Friday night, I was getting things ready for Saturday when Sarah called! She asked me if I had had my "first" yet. I told her no, but kept my mouth shut about Stephanie. She came over that night and I had my first! Then I had Stephanie the following night!
I was with Stephanie for a few years. Parents disapproved, but so what! Stephanie was a horndog! She wanted sex twice a day, and I gave it to her! It didn't wear off over time either. This was twice a fucking day for three years! Don't believe me? Don't care. I was there and you weren't. She wanted to go three times a day for awhile, but even I have to admit that, at that frequency, it was hard to keep the appendage hard.
We broke up after those three years and went our separate ways. However, I learned two very important lessons from her.
First, you may think that it's impossible to make up for lost time. That simply isn't true. It is very possible to make up for lost time with the right person.
Second, and I can't stress this nearly enough, FIND AN OLDER WOMAN! FIND AN OLDER WOMAN! FIND AN OLDER WOMAN! They don't have the bullshit and baggage that the twenty-something or even the thirty-somethings do. They know what they want and they know how to take it!
A few weeks later, (remember love is irrevelant) I met another woman. We had sex on our second date. I fell in love as much as my stone-cold heart would allow. After three years, she is now my wife. So, success is possible.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 25 ''maybe'' points to consider - pick out any bit you like and discard the rest. Or use it to inspire you to think of other options that really suit you better.
Good Luck!
1.first of you are articulate in written communication. Give yourself a tick for that. Once you actually find a girl you will find that Writing genuine from the heart love letters to a woman you like will get you lots of brownie points with nice women. (worked for Lord Nelson and Napoleon Bonaparte!)
2.keep it to yourself that you are a virgin=too much information, and not relevant when you are (at first) just considering friendship. Puts too much pressure on girl. Read DC articles to get tips instead.
3.Don't bother with online dating sites, too many women understate their weight and their age and overstate their 'financial stability'
4. Ask her open questions starting with:(how.what,when,why)
though do not interrorgate her.
5. Listen very carefully. Be able to reply in such a way to indicate you listened =''that's amazing you play cello in the orchestra, when did you discover your love for music?''
6. Never never interrupt.
7. Maintain eye contact though do not stare continuously
8. Relax - go to yoga classes to learn how
9. Smile though don't grin incessantly.
10. Attend a mixed public speaking group to improve your confidence in your abilities and learn how to speak confidently in front of any group (3 people in a room is a group)
11.Join a mixed gym and join in the circuit class. Don't be afraid to say hi back if a girl comes over to talk or ask you anything or ask for your help.
12. Practise your communication skills at yoga, the gym, the park, the public speaking group by saying hello to women and smiling as you do it. Nothing more, just smile and say hello.
13. Get your hair restyled if the cut is boring. Try a George Clooney cut,
14. Get a stylish women to brutally scrutinise your wardrobe for what needs updating. Married men dress well because wife buys his clothes.
15. Check out G. Armani Acqua aftershave for men . Don't use too much.
16. Go to the dentist to see if anything needs updating.
17.wash hair often, clean teeth twice day, use aftershave and deoderant daily.
18.Find a guy who you know is very loved by women and get him to give you a Master class on attracting and keeping women.
19. Read the Articles on DC as there are some great tips there.
20.work on your self esteem. Confidence in your own worth/value and what you are good at is half the battle.
21 get a dog you can love. First take it to obedience classes. Say hi to people there. Them take the dog to the park or the beach daily for a run. Other dog lovers will wave or say hi. You and your dog can return the compliment
22. Get some sun glasses. For wearing outside only or when driving. Any guy looks cooler in sun glasses.
23. Check that you do not shovel your food. Nor be a noisy eater. Nor drink alcohol excessively - all passion killers.
24. Never conduct a long debrief/diatribe about your past partners. The subject is irrelevant. Live in the present and the future. Future partners do not want to hear it.
25. Keep up on current affairs so you can discuss anything. But do not be too extreme, nor rigid nor dogmatic in your views. Neither too left nor right wing politically. Be non judgmental re what she says. Just be interested in what she says.
Deep down a woman wanting to have children and settle down is looking for a man with a stable financial record, who is kind and considerate and will be a good father and role model. Empathy is very important.
Whereas women looking for just a sexual relationship are looking for a fit, relaxed confident man, who dresses well, drives a swish car, and who they think will be exciting and good in bed. But have no sexually transmitted disease
Women gold digging will only care what car you drive, where you live, what you own, what you are worth, how generous you are, what presents you are willing to buy them and how gullible the man is, and how easily he can be used as a human wallet.
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A
female
reader, GSDfan +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Ugh dont let what that cow said get to you! Its no wonder she had to join a dating site if thats how she talks to ppl!
Listen dont get so down on yourself! Im sure like alot off ppl have said, love finds you and you are still young so i am willing to bet that one day it will just find you :)
Maybe you just need to stop trying so hard, im sure you wont die alone :)
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (27 December 2010):
 There is hope.
You aren't doomed, but everyone has a different level of baseline attractiveness that they must work to maximize. That includes figuring out what doesn't work and excising it from our personality - as an example, I know that I can be judgmental and harsh, and must actively control that trait (part of why I post here is to practice that).
So, look at what's not working. Change your picture - the woman may have been cruel about it, but she at least offered one useful piece of advice. Feeling desperate - invert that trait completely, and try to subtly make it clear to women you date that you want to wait a while for sex.
Now, look at what's working. You can get first dates? So you know you're doing well up until then. Can't get second dates - that means you need to change your behavior on the first date. If you have the time, you can try changing any number of things and figure it out step by step; to start with, try revealing less information about yourself. Try being a little more forward (maybe even offenseive) - or less, if you're already being very forward. Try taking them to a different place, instead of the usual spot.
Or, if you can get second and third dates but can't get into bed with them, try getting physical sooner, but slower - touch their arm or hold their waist early on, but gently push them back when they try to escalate, and take your time before rubbing her thigh, as an example.
Point is, figure out where the majority of your breakdowns occur, then start changing the way you act in the time immediately before that.
Drastic changes may be called for. You're Australian - move to America and make use of your accent. Start wildly exaggerating your stories to make them more interesting. Refuse to say or express any thought that sounds the least bit insecure. Get a female friend to help you buy an all new wardrobe and get a new haircut. Start chasing women in their mid to late thirties instead of younger ones. Find a male friend who's a regular Lothario and learn from him.
Decide what your goal is (losing virginity, girlfriend, potential wife, 1000 sex partners, whatever), decide what you're willing to do to earn it, and do it. Make drastic changes, even ones that seem weird, so long as they're different. If everything you've done up to now has failed, how can it possibly hurt to do anything else?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (27 December 2010):
Hey there,
Do not feel down. 99% of these dating sites are not for real. They just want to suck money out of you. There are online rating systems for these things and most of the dating sites have been described as scams. So please do not hold any value to those cruel words, for that woman will probably not find anyone with her attitude either (or she is just an employee blowing you off, like they get paid to do.)
I think what is truly getting in your way is your confidence and how you view yourself. I have a problem with this myself and I have been in a constant fight between who I am and who I want to be. When I was a teen, the gap between those two things was a crater the size of the moon.
Is the same thing happening to you? If you are unhappy with yourself, be it personality, looks and/or achievements, it can really stand in the way of getting anywhere. This in turn leads to more unhappiness....you get where I'm going with this.
Others have given excellent suggestions how to deal with this, so there's only one thing I want to add:
If after a while you get the feeling you can't sort out your insecurities by yourself, it might be wise to seek some counselling. Now, I know no-one likes hearing this, but it can really help you identify your specific issues and help you get back on track. Once you've got your sense of self worth back, you will find that life will be a lot easier.
Good luck and do not give up. There is someone out there for you. Just don't look too hard, because you might miss her.
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A
male
reader, j0812 +, writes (26 December 2010):
Hello, I read your question and I have to say you should never doubt yourself regarding whether or not you can find someone...you definitely can and there's no question about it...absolutely no doubt. There are well over 6 billion people on this earth with the majority being women so the odds are heavily heavily in your favor...it just takes time and patience...and some work. I am 34 years old and just now starting to learn these lessons myself. The best thing you can do, or at least what I have been trying to do is to never stop working on yourself. In my experiences, the better I feel and the more I do for myself, the less I care about meeting women...that's when I usually do though.
Also, and unfortunately, being rejected is something all of us have to go through and it can really hurt...I've experienced this countless times especially in my late 20's. Another thing to never forget is that you are an individual with many great qualities. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise and always focus on the things you like about yourself...you have talents and qualities and they matter.
I may be wrong, and I mean no offense, but it also sounds as if you may have trouble with depression. The reason I say this is because you seem to write as if there is no hope when there surely is. I have struggled for a long time and I know feeling lonely and depressed can be unbearable, but there is help out there and it is almost always treatable...feeling better and loving yourself works wonders, I can't stress that enough...it's just hard to see it sometimes.
As far as the women who said those terrible things, they are definitely not worth the time and/or trouble...I wouldn't take anything they said to heart because they are obviously insensitive and miserable...that may be why they are single...dating someone like that would cause more pain and agony than happiness...trust me.
Concerning your virginity it really means absolutely nothing. My advice would be to stay that way until you know it's the right person...things just get WAY too complicated and confusing to deal with especially if you are someone who is looking for true love...you don't need nor want that type of drama, pain and/or risk...save it for someone you love who loves you back equally...it will come.
Anyway, I know you've probably heard these things before, but take care of yourself first and the rest will follow...that is a fact. Life is funny in that you just don't know what will happen...just when you think you've figured things out and convinced yourself no one will come around...surprise!!!! they walk right into your life!...it may take some time or it may be soon, but be confident and be assured that someone will show up...just take your time and be a little selfish in the sense that you come first right now and there are many many things that a good woman will love you for...hope this helped, good luck man.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (26 December 2010):
 The only piece of advice I can think to give you is: stop looking for love, and it will find you. Love honestly doesn't come to people who are looking for it and pining for it, because, as others have stated, it looks desperate. Who cares if you're a virgin? It doesn't make you a bad guy, it just means that you haven't had the most opportunities, or that you have but haven't taken them. Just be yourself, and love yourself As others have advised: work on building your confidence. If you don't sell the package, no one is going to buy the product. Know what I'm saying? You can be the most "physically" unattractive person in the world, but if you have confidence, it all just kind of fades away, and you're just a guy who's really happy with himself and his life. Appearing that you're GOOD without someone in your life is what women want to see. After all, men are supposed to be the supporters of the couple, right? =) You'll find someone, I promise you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): It sounds like you probably are sending out the signals that you're desperate. You might want to look at how your portray yourself around women - women love confidence and, well, manliness, abou a man. That doesn't mean you've got to be a perfect physical specimen with bulging muscles. It means you've got send out the signals that you're, as almost every other poster has said, confident. Confidence turns women on.
I bet you always try to appear honest, sincere, thoughtful, etc. You want them to feel like you would treat them well and treat them special, etc., etc. That may be, and should be, true, but what you really need to do is just relax, build some confidence, and don't be a deperate-sounding guy. Go check out a website called askmen and read some of the articles on there. They give all kidns of advice, do's and don'ts, etc., on dating, relationships, attracting women, picking up women, etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): Oh wow. That was very honest. But hey, if a lot of people think this way it MIGHT be true. DO you think you sound desperate?
Try to be friendly instead of desperate. The right person will come at the right time.
How do you start the conversations? Also, if you look like a creep then why dont you change your picture to a more normal or cute one? :)
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 hi
what a terrible thing for someone to say to you! please try not to take it to heart! some people just really enjoy being nasty to others, especially online - they're called trolls! i am very doubtful about internet dating, its surely better to meet people in the real world? women especially have to be very careful about meeting men online, we are taught that we can not trust them, they might not be who they say they are, it can be dangerous etc, so its no wonder that you have not found it easy to gain a womans trust and get them to meet up with you in person. in your opinion do you think that your pic is good? if not, upload a better photo of yourself! look online for dates by all means but still continue putting yourself out there in the real world. women are attracted to men who are confident about themselves, so if this is an issue for you get help with it, read up on internet tips to make you more confident or see a counsellor who can help. always make sure you have got stuff going on in your life to occupy you and give you things that you can chat to women about. show an interest in them too when you are talking to them, watch and learn how men you know handle situations where they are meeting women. ask the people you know for constructive advice, not just comforting words! do not become preoccupied with the fact that you have not yet lost your virginity! it is not a competition or a race, you need to get the relationship and cultivate it first because no decent woman is going to go with you if they know they are just something to be used to lose your virginity! always remember your positive qualities too. i wish you all the best!
xx
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A
female
reader, Dreamer1988 +, writes (26 December 2010):
 What I would suggest is to try, try again until you finally get it. Don't let the failure of this one time discourage you. People who are in relationships have been in multiple ones- the previous ones didn't work out, so they tried new ones. Those didn't work out- and you keep trying, until you find one that you like and is a good fit.
If you have never been in one, maybe you aren't trying hard enough. Like I said, those people who are in relationships have been rejected many times before but don't let that get them down. Their self esteem is high enough to know that there is someone out there for them. Success and failure are positively correlated. The more you fail, the more you succeed- so don't be discouraged if one time you fail- it just means the next time you will succeed. Change your attitude, and then change your life.
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male
reader, Fionnlagh  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 I don't think love is found, I think it just happens. Concentrate on your life and be happy, that's when people will come into your life. Socialize and don't think about love so much, just get on with doing whatever it is you do. Love is a surprise, and it isn't online. That's why you get callous bimbos putting people down; what they look for is never what they think they need.
And your 29 years old, you're a young adult in your prime, stop talking about death like it's a symptom of loneliness. If you're not happy in your life, a girl isn't going to change that. Maybe you should try something different. Change habits? Move maybe? But good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): Well, my boyfriend who is now 36 didn't have his first girlfriend/sex till he was 27.
He said the turning point for him was when he started to build his confidence.
The woman that made that comment was very cruel- not sure if you met her in person and why (did you email her 10,000 times, did you give off this creepy vibe)?
But, what you need to do is build your confidence, focus on yourself, get hobbies and interests...and somewhere along the way meet a girl with similar hobbies/interests. Then it'll be more natural, to talk to a girl about things you know about and find stimulating.
Thats the key really - if you share similar hobbies its easier to get to know someone and pursue these hobbies together.
No, you won't die alone. There are plenty of girls in your position too. I have a friend who is 29 and can't get a date for the life of her (easy to get sex, but hard to land a boyfriend). Just focus on yourself and you'll meet someone along the way.
:)
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A
female
reader, SmilySmily  +, writes (26 December 2010):
OMG...that was terrible messages that idiot sent you online..Well I dont know you in person and I do not have a picture of you (I know its not all bout the look but when you dont know the someone before, we all do judge others by appreance but that doesnt mean that we all go for hotties! we all have diffrent tastes and all..you know what i mean.)
First of all, I dont think think you're pathetic. you dont know how many people go online dating to see if their halves out there you know? some people are lucky to not go there and find someone in their lives but some dont! so no shame on using dating site.
And being a 29 years old virgin doesn't make anything worse. I personally think it's cool- there're many men and women who would go out and carelessly sleep around..
but I do seriously think that you're lack of confidence! and I can definately say that I love man with confidence. Iknow it's so crap or very unhelpful saying 'you should love yourself first to love someone' but that's what I would say to you now. if you are happy and comfortable with yourself, it shows to the other and that's surely one of the attractive things!!
Hopefully you will find your love soon. x
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