A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This isn't exactly about a romantic relationship,but I'm really hurting and hope you will please help me. It's hurting me a lot. I've got a dilemna. I'm from the coast, and the ocean was always a big part of our lifestyle, and I never had any weird incidents. We live in a landlocked town right now, and the one thing I really look forward to all year is going to the beach. We live in North Carolina and my mom is telling me that if we go to the beach I am not to go near the water, not even touch it, because there have been a series of shark attacks. She keeps saying it will "safe" later on but I don't see how the situation will change... there have always been sharks, right? She says it's unreasonably dangerous to even go near the water, like touching the waves. I think this is really exaggerated, I don't see how any shark that's big enough to be dangerous can get into ankle deep water. I'm not sure if this is happening all over the country or just in NC. My mom says "wait until it's safe" and I feel like she really means "not ever."The ocean is a huge part of me, and I long to have some contact with it, or a link to it. I can't help how I feel. Part of me is really afraid that it's unsafe to enter the ocean, but I have a longing to have contact with it that won't go away. I have a need to experience it. I always grew up with the ocean and felt that it comforted me when I was sad and I always felt 100% more alive in it. The idea of going to the beach and just looking at the ocean drives me nuts when I'm so fascinated by it. I've always wanted to learn how to surf, or snorkel but on top of everyone telling me it's unsafe I feel like I'm not cut out to.My mom says to wait a year but I'm emotionally drained because winter was very hard on me and I waited for what seemed like forever for summer to come and now I'm so disappointed with how it's turning out. I'm so burned out, and I don't think I can handle waiting another year and having the next summer possibly being another disappointment. It sucks to want something so badly (in my case having some contact with the ocean) that you can't sleep and food doesn't taste good, and to not be able to have it.How do I deal with this void in my life? Please help me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2015): If you really love something and want to do it no one can keep you away. You are old enough to decide for yourself so maybe you are using your mum as an excuse not to take the plunge *pun intended*. I'm sure you could reassure her by saying you will only swim in shallow areas, coves or places with shark nets. Different thing but I am very into horse riding and it can be dangerous. It is hard for me to reassure people who don't understand it. I can go for years without an accident then one day my horse slipped over and fell on me, luckily I rolled out the way so only my arm got hurt, but had I not moved I could have broken my neck. It is a risk I accept I would feel so empty without my horse and for every single bad incident I have a thousand great ones. I never worry about bad things happening to me, not to say they won't happen but I see no point in living in fear of them. Perhaps you need more confidence in yourself to trust your own judgement and accept the risks of what you want to do. A shark might attack you so might some nutter with a gun in the street.(In fact that is probably more likely today!) I bet you still walk down the street though.
A
female
reader, Kendle  +, writes (2 July 2015):
 Im having a similar issue with my own mother. I'm in my early twenties and have spent the last year living in Alexandria, Egypt. I came back to the UK last week, 3 days before the attacks in Tunisia. I was only planning on coming back for 2 weeks to see family but my mother is so worried about me going back out there I have now agreed to stay in the UK for the next couple of years until things calm down in the Middle East. That means giving up my job, apartment, all of my possessions that are still out there and moving back in with my parents until I can get myself sorted. I am understandably not a happy bunny but I don't want to be the cause of any more worry for my mam and I do appreciate that she has my best interests at heart. We've made a slight compromise though in that I will be going back out to Egypt at the end of summer to see my friends who are out there. Perhaps you can come to a similar compromise with your mother? You are old enough to make your decisions and your mother shouldn't be able to stop you doing something if you really want to do it but I do think you should heed her advice.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 July 2015):
 I admit that I am the worst person ever to advise you , because I have a totally irrational shark phobia, and I have been known to scout the horizon, looking for that dreadful black fin,... at the swimming pool in my apartment building :). Well, no, not exacrly,... but I used to need long reassuring pep talks from the lifeguards before dipping my toes... in the Adriatic sea, and ,while the presence of sharks is not totally,absolurely unknown there too, let's say that the chance of being attacked by a shark in the Adriatic equals that of being run over by a furious rhino in the heart of Manhattan.
Therefore, personally, if I were warned of possible shark attacks in NC, I would HEAD the warning (..and probably leave right away . For the Poconos mountains ). Oh and btw sharks do not need a lot of water to float, they won't swim in ankle deep water of course,- but all they need to feel comfy is about 1 meter of water ( about 3 feet ).Soooo...
I realize that this does not actually answer your question though, but I have answers for you : two different ones , in the hope they may give you food for thought.
1 ) while personally I agree with your mother, and I think it's utterly foolish to risk life and limbs for the sake of a good swim.... then again, it's your life and limbs, and you are an adult. You are able , supposedly, to weigh pros and cons, and to calculate the risk / benefit ratio according to your own scale of values . You are 26-29, you do not HAVE to do all what mom says. You can have your own ideas,and affirm them by your actions. You do not have to go to the beach with mom, to begin with. Go on your own if the shark thing is going to ruin the day for both. But I do not suggest that you tell her lies or go behind her back. Simply you sit her down, you thamk her for caring and tell her you see where her concern comes from, BUT , she must accept that you are a grown up and she won't be able to always protect you from everything. Car accidents happen, plane accidents happen, sport or domestic accidents happen, - acts of violence and of terrorism , happen. Being alive is risky , it ENTAILS risks. Now, if you feel comfortable slightly raising the odds of some quirk accident happening to you- that's your choice and your decision, because that's your life and you know what's important to YOU. So, be thankful, be respectful- but put your foot down. Mothers tend to be overbearing, at times, because they care, and they will always care even when you'll be 80, and they will be 101. This means that they will always suggest things "for your good " ( why don't you eat this rather than that, why don't you marry Bob rather than Jim, etc.etc. ) and that's a " vice " that you won't wean them off- but it does not mean that you'll ALWAYS have to do what they say !!
2 ) OTOH, I feel ot's important to perceive the essence of our wish but to be flexible about the details.
We all are stubborn, when it comes to what can make us happu. We are like short sighted, dictatorial film directors who think that the scene MUST necessarily play in a certain exact way to make a good movie. While, in fact, there might be alternatives to make the movie even better.
We want
rhings to be just precisely so, in conformity to a script that we have penned meticolously in our mind, and we get disappointed if some details change.
But, if we can respect the essence of the wish / need, are the details really so relevant ?...
For instance: you had a eough winter, you feel tired, worn out, depleted. You need something to pick you up, something to relax you , refresh you, rejuvenate you. Something to recharge your batteries, to make you feel re-energized and hopeful again.
Cool . Communing with the ocean would seem like just the right thing, but.... MUST it be the ocean ?
What if you just need to commune with nature in general, to recharge your emotional batteries ? what if you need , I don't know,... peace, quiet, freedom, silence... a break from the routine... the sensuous rouch of the sun on your skin...
You could get that immersed in nature somewhere else, in the country, by a lake, or in the mountains even. You could get that spending a day at a beauty spa , or taking a yoga class maybe !
And if it's the healing embrace of water that you need , - which does not surprise me, water is very healing, conforting and rejuvenating -, well, it does not have to be a shark infested ocean, really it can be a nice comfy safe... swimming pool.
My point is : of course it is Ok having wishes, fancies, longings, cravings . How boring would it be life without something to wish for. But, I think it is helpful and wise to go digging at the roots of our wish, to understand WHAT it is really about . That ,more often than not, will offer us unexpected alternatives to make our wish ( or, its ESSENCE, actually ) come true.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 July 2015):
 I live at the beach in NC and I have been in the ocean numerous times this summer. But I stay away from any fishing piers or anybody surf fishing. I only go in when the water is clear and I can see the bottom. No problems. But on the other hand I certainly can understand why some people might be afraid to go swimming. I also understand your longing for the ocean, I love it as well. I think if you promise your Mom that you will be very careful but are definitely going to visit the ocean she will come to terms with it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 July 2015):
 there have been SEVEN nearly fatal shark attacks on the NC beach this year alone. way more than usual. i would not want my family or friends to go in the water this year either.
while i agree with your mother, if you are the age you say you are then you are supposedly adult enough to make your own choices.
watch Jaws... then go in the water...
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (2 July 2015):
 You're an adult in your late twenties, so your mum should not be telling you what to do anymore.
It's only natural for her to be concerned, but you're a big girl now who should be making her own decisions in life!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (2 July 2015):
 Look, I am against the view that you should go behind your mom's back and do something which she feels so deeply about. Either try to convince her or respect her wishes and don't do it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 July 2015):
 How come your mom still tells you what to do? If you are 26-29 aren't you old enough to make your own choices and mistakes?
Going to the beach can be unsafe in other ways too, undertow, certain types of jelly fish, pollution, bacteria etc.
She can't wrap you in bubble-wrap for the rest of your life.
But you CAN be smart about it and go to a beach with life guards. There are plenty of beaches where people take kids, because it's shallower and "safer".
However there ARE other things then going to the beach that can lift your spirits... you just need to find them.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 July 2015):
 Mothers Always worry abpit their kids...it's natural. Just because you are old enough to make your own decisions doesn't mean she will stop worrying. Ergo, why not humor her for a while and stay out of the shark's reach. My best friend was killed by a shark in 1958. He was a great swimmer etc. But the shark won by taking his leg off while it was dangling off the edge of a surf board. Stuff happens, moms worry. You are not indestructable but you do only have one mom so take care of her by going along with a seemingly valid concern.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 July 2015):
 Can't you just tell Mom you're going to walk along the beach and then go in the ocean when you are out of view? Or go with friends? You're in your late 20s so presumably you are old enough to go without parental supervision.
In the meantime, perhaps this would be a good summer to explore other means of lifting your spirits, and even better if you found an activity that you can do in or near your town.
Hope you feel better soon; this was indeed a tough winter. But it's summer now and there are blessings all around us, if we look with an open heart and a calm attitude. Peace to you.
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