A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi DC need a little help here. I really hate men so much. They mistreat me and use me cheat on me and make me feel im not enough for them. I don't think i want to date men again i dont feel any emotion when I am with them. I don't feel much again. I've like girls too since hs and now i want to stop dating guys permanently and only date women and identify as lesbian. Can I do that? I've just had it up to here with asshole men. I know that nice men are out there but i dont care anymore. I want to be done with them for good. Is it justified? Help me please please please.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2018): We women have all felt like that sometimes.Men just do not get it.But with a woman the drama will be worse.You are better off just getting a toy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2018): You can date whomever you want. Nobody's stopping you; so why are you asking permission?
Hate to inform you; but people are people, and have the same flaws and human-tendencies. I hope you're as close to perfection as you can get. Most people who consistently run into trouble in relationships usually need work themselves.
Your sexist remarks don't account for all men; only the those you've met. Your consistent bad-luck might be attributed to your choices; and the extent of how well you judge people.
I'm gay, and I don't know any lesbians who actually hate men. They are simply attracted to women; and didn't need to be traumatized into liking women. Preferring women doesn't guarantee that they'll like you. You might have to weed your way through the dating pool of women just as you did for men. Finding a good match will always be a process of selection and using good judgement.
I just hope you have a good personality; and meet someone who will appreciates you better than the men you've met. Don't be surprised when you find-out you just might run into some of the same problems in women.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 May 2018):
 So go for it!?
OP there are no guarantees in life. YOU have to TAKE the time to get to know a person. That way you can AVOID a lot of the assholes (male AND female out there) It's EASY (super easy) to say that men are all assholes and they suck... but realistically you KNOW that isn't the truth. YOU ARE in charge of WHOM you let into your life.
The thing is... You can just "will" yourself to become a lesbian if you really don't HAVE a SEXUAL preference for females (or as a bi-sexual a sexual attraction to women as well as men).
It's NOT like dying your hair. Oh I think I'll be a lesbian this week! That is not how life works. And honestly... not fair on the lesbians you potentially pursue.
I know in this day an age EVERYTHING is about a person's sexuality and gender... which when you really think about means VERY little. Sure, it determine what SEXUAL partners a person prefer (so what?! Who cares?!) and gender "preference"... well, that is some made up bullshit that got dragged in from a linguistic view point. But I digress.
Why NOT... TAKE some time off from dating? Figure out your OWN standards for WHAT you want in a partner, what you have to offer, what path you would like to go.
LOOK at your past relationships - where did it go wrong? Did you "pick" the "wrong" type for you? Were you not selective enough? Did YOU allow someone to not treat you right? Did you think compromising your OWN standards will make a guy care for you? Etc. Etc.
KNOW that you can't change others. It just doesn't work that way. What you CAN change is how you REACT.
And OP... we have PLENTY of women dating women (lesbian and bi) come to DC with various issues with their same-sex partners. So it's not like ALL lesbian relationships are rainbows and unicorn farts. If they were... well, I think you would see a LOT more of them with especially bi-women.... But you don't.
Take a "vacation" from dating. Work on yourself. Who you do want to be? Improve yourself. (not for others but for yourself.) a BITTER and IGNORANT person really isn't something others of quality will pursue.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 May 2018):
 So , you want to become a lesbian, not because you love women, but because you hate them less than you hate men ?...
Uhm.
Basically the reasoning is : men treated me wrong- women are not men - so women will treat me right.
If it weren't for a little detail, your sillogism would work.
The little detail is that , sure, women are not men, yet they still are , same as men, human beings. Persons. They fall under the same category: people.
Some people are assholes, some aren't. Some people cheat, some don't. Some people treat their partners well, some don't.
I think you have a very romanticized view of what a lesbian relationship is. As if all lesbians were necessarily loving, caring, faithful, sincere. As if those XX chromosomes make one magically someone who 's
" better ".
If this were the case, you would not find one heterosexual woman left around, they would all have gone lesbian. Or bi, at least . Even those women who find the idea of having sex with another woman unappealing or downright repulsive. I think they'd conquer their disgust , if this meant automatically getting love, respect, understanding.
It does not. It's 10 or 12 years that I am witnessing the ups and downs, and fortunes and misfortunes, of a lesbian friend's love life, and I must say that I did not notice relevant differences in a lesbian relationship vs. a heterosexual one. Lesbians can be pretty savage too, and hurt and deceive other women. The drama, the jealousy , the ego clashes , the control issues- are pretty much the same as in all relationships between mismatched ,ill-chosen partners of any gender. The problem is not the chromosomes, the problem is choosing someone compatible.
If you actually prefer women, then of course you should date women. But if the attraction is just that you feel that dating a woman is a safer choice ...that's very very debatable , as any lesbian will confirm.
So, is there any solution to your quandary ? Are you destined to be mistreated by everybody, men and women as well ?
I don't think so. While in love some times you need a bit of luck, sheer luck- then again, when the same thing keeps happening again , and again, and again- it's time to become curious and investigate if and how you may have contributed to the problem. It takes two to tango, they say.
Maybe you do not chose based on compatibility and shared values, but just based on physical attraction. Maybe you have certain standards in terms of men and relationships- but you accept way less than those standards for fear of being alone. Maybe you are not ready / mature yet to be in a steady committed relationship, maybe you bring to a relationship selfishness or neediness or some other thing that's going to be the catalyst which will make it explode. I am not saying " it's your fault, you must be doing something wrong ". Then again , it can't be all the YY chromosomes' fault, it's hardy believable.
So perhaps, start examining what is always happening in your relationship or what you are always doing with men or which type of men you always choose- and start changing that. Maybe it's as simple as chosing your men from a different physical environment ! ( like, not from the same bar crowd or disco people ).
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (26 May 2018):
 Date who you want, but you don't "become" a lesbian. You are or you aren't. You aren't because you date guys. Sexuality isn't a choice. Please don't be ridiculous.
Don't date people you don't have a connection with.
You can try dating girls, but as a bisexual woman, not a lesbian.
Anyone can cheat on you.
Anyone can be a jerk.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 May 2018):
 This sounds like a troll to me.
But if you’re being serious then you can date whoever the hell you like (age permitting of course), who is allowed to tell you otherwise?
Do you think that women won’t cheat though? Whatever sexuality you are there will be cheats out there, it’s not just men. You just haven’t found the right person yet that’s all.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 May 2018):
 Sorry but that has just made me splutter on my coffee and laugh out loud. Apologies as I am sure this is no laughing matter to you. You do sound like you are having a little hissy fit at your latest relationship not working out though and stating, in this fit of pique, that you are going to become a lesbian on the grounds that you have had bad experiences with men. (I think most of us have jokingly said this at some point in our lives!)
Being a lesbian is about more than being fed up of men letting you down. It is about being physically attracted to women rather than men. You are obviously attracted to men, otherwise you would not have bothered getting involved with any. Just because you have picked some let-downs does not make you a lesbian. Being a lesbian is not a default state just because men have let you down. It is not a "second best" option. NOW do you understand why I was laughing?
You are free to date whoever you want, regardless of gender. You are lucky enough to live in the 21st century in a country which has no restrictions on who people are allowed to have relationships with. However, in fairness to whoever you are dating, you need to put your heart into the relationship and not just use it as a "middle finger" to past partners. That would just be cruel.
From what I have observed over the years, many people are attracted to individual people, regardless of gender. I know a couple of females who dated men (and were even married for years) and then, one day, met women they fell in love with and are now with them. I also know people who date men AND women (not at the same time - there is never an excuse for cheating!). They date based on attraction to the person, regardless of gender.
You can do anything you want in life but please bear in mind your actions have consequences for others. Don't pretend to feel something you don't. Being hurt does not excuse you hurting others. Perhaps a better option would be to be much more picky about the men you date?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2018): I was once in your position, that is dating a succession of several assholes one after the other. I'm straight, but I took a long pause to consider becoming a lesbian. I decided I couldn't and that it might be possible that same could happen dating women.
If you're that fed up with men and have no desire for them, then date women for awhile. If you have better luck with women and decide you prefer identifying as a lesbian you certainly can do that. However, there is something to be said for being bisexual. You have more options available to you.
Whatever you decide, I hope you have better luck in the future. I know how hard it is to find someone who will treat you right. Do what your instincts are telling you to do.
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