A
female
age
36-40,
*inkcouturechic
writes:So here's the story:I'm 24 and have been in several small relationships (a few months or less) and one 2 year relationship about 3 1/2 years ago. Our relationship ended very badly, he cheated on me several times, and broke my heart. I thought I was his everything and if I was his everything how could I not be enough. Since then I've had a lot of trouble with trust, haven't dated anyone since. Not that I haven't gone out on dates or have had sex with guys, I just haven't been in a real relationship.I have no problem with guys being interested in me and want to date me or more specifically want to have sex with me, but they never want to take it to the next level and actually want to date me. For example I've been talking to this guy that I've known since my sophomore year in college, we lost touch and just recently caught up again. It started out wonderful, him telling me how much he loves talking to me and can't wait to see me (he still lives in the college town and I live an hour away), and how lucky any guy would be to be with a gorgeous sexy woman like me. So I decided to go up and see him, we cuddled watched a movie and hooked up. The next day I didn't hear from him, then the next, and finally I sent him a text asking what was wrong. No reply. Finally he gets back to me like nothing was wrong. I felt used, and yes I realize why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free..but it's too late to go back on that. I finally took control and ended it today, realizing that I was just another booty call to him and would be nothing more..he just used the sweet talk to get what he wants. When I did end it, he didn't even care, no surprise.Now while talking to him I've been communicating with another guy. We haven't slept together and have only made out. He's took me on dates and even loves my dog. Everything seems to start out okay, but I always mess it up!!I tend to like to hear from the guy, and hate waiting for them to get back to me, so instead I'll text them to see what their doing..which I know guys like the chasing aspect of a relationship. I've been working and getting better at acting aloof...I'm lonely and am ready to be in a relationship with someone, but it doesn't ever work out...I think I'm a catch, the only down fall of me is that I've had an eating disorder for quite sometime, but I'm in "remission" for two years.What am I doing wrong? How do I get from just a casual relationship to a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? Do I need to act more aloof, pretend I don't care? I feel like I'm starting all over again... Help!
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booty call, cheated on me, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): Have integrity, say what you mean and mean what you say.Don't show weakness, don't be to eager for acknowledgment, don't have sex until you know he wants you for your person than for your vagina and don't nag.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): You really need to give it more time before you have sex.
It's also for you to understand who you dealing with. How can you possibly know anything about someone that u just met.
If he is only interested in having sex, he 'll dissapear very fast wether he has it or not. So, by not having sex, you win anyway. If he is gone because of that, good, you got rid of someone who you don't need anyway, if he sticks around, that may be he is your guy.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (28 November 2009):
 Imagine you are wearing a chastity belt it is locked by a riddle. The basis of the riddle is "say the right thing".
So, a guy wants to unlock it.
You pose the riddle: "I am looking for a longterm relationship".
he answers: "So am I".
the belt springs open and sex happens. Whoopee! You found a guy who wants a relationship. Almost every woman will think this, it is why women really shouldn't be allowed to vote.
No, you found a guy who listened (yes we can actually do this if motivated) and said what he thought you wanted to hear so he could gain access to what he wants, the contents of your panties.
So. Don't say to a guy you are looking for a long term relationship. Do you REALLY think any guy is going to answer that by "oops, I am not, just want quick sex and never see you or think of you again."
Instead, don't respond to booty calls or sex on the first date. And watch what he DOES, not what he says, this takes time, so let it take time.
Oh, and on the whole, girls who are sleeping with one guy on a booty call while talking to another... this last guy, how does he feel about you sleeping with another guy while you claim to have started to have feelings for him?
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A
female
reader, pinkcouturechic +, writes (28 November 2009):
pinkcouturechic is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for your help! I'm hoping that I can grow and work on becoming one of the many coupled people out there:) ?
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 November 2009):
 That's why you set up your boundaries, you're looking for something real, not just sexual. Friends with benefits is a relationship too, in its own way. So you need to establish what kind of relationship. And that is the plan, scare off the ones who only want sex, you limit the playing field.
When you tell someone and they quickly say "oh yea me too" or their hesitant in their answer, you need to worry about them. You're looking for sincerity. Not someone who's only going to tell you what you want to hear. That's the difficult part. We all want to believe when we're told something its the truth, but have to live with the fact that it isn't always so. Its okay to set up your guard for that. It's also okay to wait before having sex. If you find someone who really wants a relationship, he'll be faithful and waiting along with you.
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A
female
reader, pinkcouturechic +, writes (28 November 2009):
pinkcouturechic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso telling someone that I'm really looking for something long term in the beginning is okay, it won't scare him off? Although I guess if he was really interested in me and a relationship then it wouldn't scare him. Plus maybe I'd get rid of the ones not looking for the same thing I'm looking for in the beginning.
My only hesitation, is a lot of guys like to tell you that they want a relationship and then once you seem committed to it they aren't interested.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 November 2009):
The issue is, the boundaries you have for yourself are not conducive to a real relationship. You can't have sex in hoping something is going to develop from it. Not saying sex is not okay, but you're drawing people who only want that.
Your statement where you don't mind if guys just want to date or have sex. Those are your boundaries. You need to set your boundaries from the beginning. Share with someone you're interested in that you're interested in a long term relationship.
In order to find the long term, you'll have to cut out the casual. You can't find one while living the other. Be true to yourself, and live within what you're looking for.
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A
male
reader, mr motivator  +, writes (28 November 2009):
If you do anything other than be yourself at some point your guard will slip, your charade will falter and he will leave you because you appeared to change
so just be yourself and if the relationship isnt right for you it isnt right
simples
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