A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been thinking a lot about my past and present relationships recently because I've noticed that I tend to stay with people for far longer than I sometimes should. I know it's not that I'm afraid to be alone, because I have been happily single before, but it seems to be more like I want to make the guy I'm with love me no matter what the cost to me. It's as though him treating me badly is a reflection on me, and every time I get something good from him (whether it a compliment, a nice gesture or whatever) it boosts my ego, although I know it doesn't in the long term. I also have real trouble with my boyfriend's exes, like I go out of my way to try to be better than them at everything possible, and when breaking up I struggle with the idea that the guy I'm with will move on and love someone else. I have only just realised most of this so most of it has been subconscious so far, but I'm wondering if anyone else experiences this? I don't have a lot of confidence so maybe I am always looking for the approval of others to build it up? Sorry this is so deep too, I'm a bit confused by it all. Thanks!
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess  +, writes (22 December 2012):
 I think to some degree it is actually normal for people to want to be better then their partner's ex - especially if you know the ex, or know anything about them.
I see this even in the most confident of people. I think it's a subconscious form of self preservation. It's human nature for people to compare their current partners to their previous ones. It's kind of like a self-check, "am I better off with this one then I was with that one?" So then it is only natural to want to come out on top of that comparison, even if you're not aware that the comparison is taking place.
A
female
reader, janetenneshehan  +, writes (22 December 2012):
 I've definitely had relationship epiphanies before! Like the fact that I have a thing for Asians after dating my 5th one, but more seriously I did realize that I tended to stay in abusive relationships. I, too, have the problem of holding on too long and getting attached way too fast after the break up and instantly regretting the breakup when I see them again!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (21 December 2012):
It’s great that you’ve been able to reflect on yourself and come up with conclusions and ideas like this. You’ve clearly got low self-esteem. You want to try and earn some-one’s love because you need to feel like some-one loves you to feel okay about yourself even if that person’s not treating you well or making you happy in any way. A healthy relationship is centred on sharing a deep friendship and an intimate connection because you value and treasure each other. What you’re looking for isn’t some-one with whom you can share life’s ups and downs in this equal way, but some-one who will make you feel complete or whole, who you can depend on to fill a void. That’s not healthy. You need to realise that you’re never going to be able to make some-one love you, or that everyone can just turn themselves in to whatever they think some-one wants them to be. You need to find some-one who will love you for the person you are and to whom you don’t feel you have to change to make yourselves compatible if you’re not. Always be sure to ask yourself whether you really want this person, or whether you just want some-one rather than no-one. That’s how you can evaluate whether some-one’s right for you or not, and in future if you think it’s not right end it straight away.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2012): Yes I've experienced this to the point of wasting two years with a Mr Unsuitable. I'm 37 now and wish I'd had my epiphany at your age (or younger). With me, it's definitely due to lack of confidence and low self esteem. And fear of rejection/ abandonment.
It's easier to be single in some ways because the pressure is off. Less anxiety.
It's good that you've had your epiphany. The next step is to work out how to stop this pattern of behaviour. Good luck to us both!
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (21 December 2012):
 You dont have alot of confidence but you seem to have enough to be happily single and openly competitive with your partners. You seem a wee bit possessive of your partners affections even when they are ex's too which is possibly a symptom of low self confidence but also a symptom of high self confidence in the sense in the way that you still feel entitled to them. In terms of the compliments, everybody likes them and if something bad is done to them then they tend to not feel too good about it - however, low self confidence tends to be typified by the opposite approach, you feel more comfortable with being treated badly because its more familiar. You have more confidence than you make out. You stay with your boyfriends because your not a quitter, you dont like quitting and are unwilling to let go and admit defeat not because your needy.In answer to your question, people constantly assess and re-assess things so my betting is most of the people on this site have had similar experiences. If the real point of this is to ask what you should look for in a relationship then id say somebody who is a bit like you, has the same level of confidence who you can respect as an equal. Somebody who challenges you and comforts you in equal measure. I am sure there is somebody like that out there for you, so good luck :)
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