A
male
age
36-40,
*rown_ferret
writes:Hi. About a week ago, I posted a question about how I still had lingering feelings for the ex-girlfriend of a friend of mine. I was having trouble dealing with the fact that she was in a loving relationship with another guy and had simply chosen to isolate myself, too afraid to deal with the emotional turmoil . Well, during the course of the previous day, I struck up a conversation with her over facebook and realized just how awfully I've missed her. Over the past couple of years, she's become a really good friend of mine. Through my darkest hours, she kept me going by providing me with the emotional support that I wasn't getting from elsewhere. I cherish her as a friend and always will. Nothing can ever change that fact. What worries me though is the possibility that I might fall in love with her once again. She's no longer with her boyfriend but there is no way we can be ever together since I'll be moving to a different city . Actually, the reason why I decided to make that decision was because of my unresolved feelings for her. Is there any way that I can prevent myself from developing those old feelings once again? Thanks in advance.
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male
reader, brown_ferret +, writes (23 December 2012):
brown_ferret is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses, everyone. They were rather helpful. It appears as if she and her bf have gotten back together. I guess this is a sign for me to let go of the past and move on.And that's exactly what I intend to do.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (21 December 2012):
You can't stop your feelings. But you can stop torturing yourself by keeping up the communication with her and keeping her in your life, so you can always see what you are missing.
You are like somebody who wants to start a diet and then puts his favourite chocolate cake in front of him. Of course you can't stop liking the cake, but you can lock it away somewhere you can't always see or smell it. And you can distract yourself from always thinking about how delicious it is and how much you like it and how there's no better food in the world etc. by tasting new things and going out a lot and try new restaurants.. ok the metaphor is finished :)
I've been unhappily in love before and the only way to recover was distance and no contact. Build another life. It helped. But it took time. You need to find people who replace her, who comfort you, talk to you, love you and give you what you need. And you won't do that as long as she still has some function in your life.
I've read something that when you're unhappily in love or you miss someone, your brain produces the same chemicals as if you were on withdrawal from some drug. So, treat yourself like an addict. And what is it that you shouldn't do with an addict? Tempt him with his drug for as long as he's still unstable and hasn't had proper recovery from his addiction.
I think it's good you move to another city. Now hide her posts on facebook and don't write. Maybe even delete her from your friends.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (21 December 2012):
 Some people believe that, if you want to stop doing or thinking something, you should put a rubber band around your wrist.... and, any time you find yourself veering to the "forbidden" thoughts, you SNAP that rubber band....
I think it's largely psychological.... but, if it reminds you that you're "barking up the wrong tree" perhaps it's worth a try. After all, it's far less expensive than professional therapy!!!
Good luck...
P.S. I've been in your predicament, and understand just how much it sucks!!!!!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 December 2012):
 you are not going to like my answer but you can stop being friends with her.
that is the only way to protect your heart.
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A
female
reader, MenLoveMe +, writes (21 December 2012):
 You seem to be a hopeless romantic like me. :-) It is too late, but I wish you did hadn't communicated with her on Facebook. You are opening a wound that may have otherwise began to heal with a little more time and space. Please do not make yourself available for communication with her going forward. Contact makes it inevitable that you will fall in love. TRUST ME, I know!! Find some really gorgeous, kind, affectionate female friends to hang out with to distract yourself if you are not too shy. Or find a cool guy friend who does and tag along. Find another muse, even if it is a celebrity or hobby. But stay away from her and her Facebook page for as long as you can!! Do not unfriend yet, you need to keep an eye on her periodically (once every month or so). If she becomes available, start chatting again. In the meantime if knowing about her relationships is too much to bear, I would suggest you deactivate your account to avoid temptation, or unfriend her. Hope this helps!
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