A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:HiI have a few questions i would like your views on so please take the time and reply ty.A little about my situation.Iv been with my h/b for 32 yrs married for 22yrs every 1 thought we were the perfect couple until 3 yrs ago i found out that he was cheating on me with a co worker 20yrs younger he broke it off with her and we stayed together.Since then i have found out that there were other women he had affairs with(at least3 more)i cant begin to tell you how that made me feel.he even went through a stage where he would hit me if i questioned him about them but now 12 mths on he only threatens to hit me if we argue.I have become totatally dependent on him i dont go out i have no visitors and lost touch with people i knew he phones me every lunch time to see what im doing and if iv been out,i have lost all my confidence and self worth. My q are 1. why has he stayed with me if he had to cheat 2. can some 1 really love you even though they have cheated just because they got away with it.3. what sort of person are they when found out,still lie and try to hide the truth 4.take there lover into there home.5.really be sorry for everything the hurt n pain,Not a day goes by that i think of leaving and i keep going over in my head the reasons he has done what he has knowing i will never know the real truth, that what hurts.why did he stay ?I stay because im afraid to start over i have feelings for him but it is no longer lovei hate him for making me feel this way but im not strong enough to turn my back on our marriage it was good before i found out what a lair n cheat he s been he treated me good now it seems that all i get is how he works to keep me (i gave up work when found out bout affairs)pays the bills we are stuck in a rut.how can we move on from this ?be grateful of your replies thank you for reading xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): I thank you all for the replys.
honestly,
i was crying when i read ur answer to my q as deep down i know you are right and i need to find the strengh to walk away from this unhappy situation.
I have spent so many days n nights freting over this and i can be truthful and say that i know in my heart that my marriage is and has been over the day i found out about my h/b cheating,i can never forgive or forget the lies and most of all i have no trust in him what so ever, i know i can never belive anything he says anymore,it has taken me 3 yrs to realise this and i have spent far to long feeling sorry for myself and have to be strong now i know i cannot do it without help so i will be getting in touch with domestic helpline as i have no where to go and i will be afraid of what he will do if he finds out im leaving.
The saying love is blind well that is true cos i never in my wildest dreams would have belived my h/b was capable of doing all he has and i never had a clue.
Thank you again for your replys xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): Take a look at this site http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 I'm sorry, but you need to get away from this man NOW! He's abusive, and still threatening violence. This is a dangerous situation for you. There are resources out there to help you. Please seek them out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): At the moment you are weak and out of balance with life. The key to feeling better is to start by getting that sparkle back in yourself - for you. You need to start with a social life - not inviting people into your home but by your getting out at least once a week. You cannot possibly 'move on' in any direction by being controlled by this man and the situation. What he has done is abusive and he has shown you no respect. As a result you don't respect yourself any more. However the other post is right - you are self-aware. Use this to make some changes - take the first step however small and keep going. When you feel stronger within yourself (and you will know when that is) you can look at this situation properly and decide what needs to be done from a position of equality - not weakness.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 I am so sorry you are in so much pain.
"I have become totatally dependent on him i dont go out i have no visitors and lost touch with people i knew he phones me every lunch time to see what im doing and if iv been out,i have lost all my confidence and self worth." This is a very good first step. You are self aware. You realize you have lost confidence and self worth. You can't get something back if you don't know it's missing.
I am just one man but I will answer your questions with my best speculation.
"1. why has he stayed with me if he had to cheat"
a) he loves you in his own strange way
b) he didn't have the guts to leave
c) he worried what other people would think if he left
"2. can some 1 really love you even though they have cheated just because they got away with it."
a) no because that is not love
b) yes because the person has a strange idea of what love is
"4.take there lover into there home."
a) gross gross gross! this is just plain gross
"5.really be sorry for everything the hurt n pain,"
a) he can be truly sorry if he treats you like a queen
b) he can be truly sorry if he asks you what you need and gives it to you
c) he is psychotic and is unable to be remorseful
"why did he stay ?" This is a mentally healthy question and I believe why you can't answer it is because he is mentally unhealthy. I have found sometimes it's best not to be able to understand some other people because if I understood them then I would be thinking like them. Some people are simply repulsive to me.
"I stay because im afraid to start over i have feelings for him but it is no longer love" A good therapist will help you get back to the real you and leave. Starting over won't require courage, it will just be a natural healthy transition that makes you feel good.
"im not strong enough to turn my back on our marriage it was good before i found out what a lair n cheat he s been" from what I've read I don't think things were "good". Not to insult you or hurt your feelings but could this be a case of "ignorance is bliss"?
"how can we move on from this ?" I am not a professional and do not know of a way the two of you can move on from this together. Maybe a professional marriage counselor can help you. I am truly sorry you are in pain from these discoveries. I can empathize with your pain. I hope you can find peace very soon.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 Il start by answering your last question first. You can move on from this by giving this man a well deserved kick on the rear and shoving him out of your life.
Its so upsetting to read about women who have lost confidence in themselves and have just let their lives drift away. PLEASE TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE!!! This man has the audacity to have all these affairs and then hit you and make you feel bad about it. AND, you're accepting all this as a way of life because you're so awfully low on confidence, you cant even THINK of living without him!! WHY???????
This is the reason that he's stayed on in this convenient marriage. Your husband is a coward and he is a bully. He has bullied you into staying into keeping quiet and accepting his actions as correct, because the very first day that you confronted him about the affair and he shut you up by hitting or abusing you, he realized that it was very easy to deal with you. You were a little puppet who looked after his house and his needs. He saw that you were slowly breaking down and he went on to realize that here is a woman who is so under MY influence, that I can do whatever I want, and yet she will stay right here with me, without a peep out of her. She has no identity, she's just my shadow.
He made you feel weak and you succumbed.
If you dont help yourself, nobody can, least of all us. All we can do is advise you and hope you take it. Please make the effort to stand up for yourself. Get a job, go out of the house, take the help of family, friends, anyone...and stand up to this man. Do NOT let him carry on with this nonsense. Leave him, carve your own space, be strong. Thats the ONLY option you have. Unless you want to live the rest of your life in this misery.
Its all in your hands. Please take the right decision.
Good luck and lots of love...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): I am so sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds truly awful.
It seems as though you know, logically, that you need to get out but that you are, in your own words "dependent" on your husband. The key to getting out of your situation is to undo that dependency and start to build a life for yourself.
There are various ways that you can do this. Either you can try to do it alone, little by little - in which case you can almost guarantee that, if he realises what you are doing, he will do things to "persuade" you to stay, whether it be the threat of violence or acting nicer to you for a while - or you can "cut loose" by literally physically removing yourself from the situation and making sure that you have mental strategies in place for dealing with the consequences of that physical detachment - whether this be reading, a support group, family (if you have any), or religion (if you have any faith) and so on. Either way, you can seek help now through counselling or through your doctor who should put you in touch with a women's welfare group. If you are under threat of violence of any kind you can ask for help with housing and gain support from women's refuge centres and so on.
In a broader sense, it will take time for you to unravel how your own character contributed to this state of dependency and why your husband is doing his utmost to exploit it and "keep you down" in order to enhance his own feelings of power - some people simply cannot feel any power within themselves unless it involves hurting or dominating or exploiting someone else. Don't waste time asking questions about expectations to do with the love that you have given him - he had it and abused it, and it is time for you to move on. It may take all your courage to reach out to other people for help, and not everyone will, but there are plenty who really feel for you and who will even take courage from your example. You may think you are "too old" to leave, but you are still young enough to enjoy the rest of your life - you can educate yourself and gain some sort of employment - not easy at all, but at least you will have some sort of life of your own. As to love - it can happen at any age at all, there are plenty of wonderful men out there who wouldn't dream of treating you like this - you deserve better, so take courage and good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 You ask how can 'we' move on from this? Aw darling there is no we, you are in a loveless marriage and you need to get out or else you will spend the rest of your life miserable. There are people who you can talk to, people who will help lift your spirits and get your confidence back again. Your husband has you exactly where he wants you and he has broken you down bit by bit so that you are no longer your own person. You need to seek help from a councellor or therapist really soon. Make an appointment with your local doctor and ask him to refer you on a.s.a.p.
The answers to your questions:
1. why has he stayed with me if he had to cheat
you are his security blanket. He married you therefore at some point he must have cared. But it seems he soon got bored and played around, only thinking of himself. I believe people cheat because they are never truely happy with in there relationship. Am guessing he has stayed with you out of guilt and pity and because it is what he is used to.
2. can some 1 really love you even though they have cheated just because they got away with it.
No i dont believe that he is in love with you. If he loved you he would not be hitting you and having sex with other woman he would be building his life around you and if he had made a mistake he would be on his knees begging for forgiveness but he is not. He knows you love him and that you will forgive him, he has you right where he wants you and therefore he will keep cheating on you and treating you like dirt because he knows that you dont have the willpower to leave him. But hunny you need to find that will to leave. As I said talk to someone and they will show you a way out.
3. what sort of person are they when found out,still lie and try to hide the truth
He is a coward and doesnt care about anybody but himself. He lies because he doesnt want people to think badly about him. He doesnt want to feel guilty for what he has done so he continues on lying. He will keep doing this to you. He is not going to change now. You need to get out and start your life over, being on your own for a while will be far better than what you are doing now. You have no confidence and he knows this and he is using this as an advantage for you to stay and be his wife while he gets to go out and have all the fun.
4.take there lover into there home.
Well this just shows that he has no respect for you. Darling he couldnt care less about you. In fact it sounds like he doesnt even like you. You also need to concider your health in all of this. He has cheated so many times and him having sex with all of these strangers, who knows what sort of STI's he may have caught of these woman. You should go to your sexual health clinic and get tested to make sure that you have not contracted anything nasty.
5.really be sorry for everything the hurt n pain,
Sorry to say this but he is not one bit sorry. If he felt sorry he would have ended it with the first woman he ever slept with and begged you for forgiveness. But he didnt he kept having affairs and now that you know he has started controlling you and holding you as his prisoner. He is being violent and it shows that he just does not care about you in the slightest and he is not sorry. Get out now while you can.
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A
female
reader, IAMDONE +, writes (24 February 2011):
Oh boy!!! That was a lot of information to respond to but I am going to share some first hand information with you regarding maybe what you are feeling and what issues are at hand right now. I am seeing a married man and it is a long distance relationship. I met him as he traveled here every week making his weekly truck delivery. What started out as a weekly get together has ended in a love affair. I love him and I know that he loves me. His weekly visits here ended in May of last year. We have met each other in Indiana, Missouri and he has traveled here at least twice since last May. We are even planning a trip to Jamaica if the relationship last that long. I am considering leaving the relationship. By the way...this relationship has been in full swing for almost 5 years and I believe he has been married for 8 years as of a couple of weeks ago. I personally believe men have affairs with women for sex, and an ego boost. I believe they have no intentions of leaving their wives and will not leave their wives for a girlfriend. My boyfriend told me that he will never leave his wife....he told me that if he came home and found his wife in bed with someone he would not leave. He told me if he and his wife were not together it would be because she left. I, personally do not want him to leave his wife. She is the woman that deals with all of his bull...I am the girlfriend and we just enjoy our time together. When we part I am on my way and deal with my life and he deals with his. Do remember that we are very much in love with each other. I have learned from this situation that we as woman cannot control men and our crying and all the things we go thru when we find out aboout an affair really have no effect on the man. Of course, I do believe they have no intention of hurting their wives. But who would not be hurt? Who would feel they have failed in their mariage? Who would feel less than a woman? Who would be curious about what went on in these forbiden relationships? Who would be concerned about the family income that was used to fianance the food, drinks, and gifts? My anwer is...every woman who cares about her husband and marriage. My boyfriend told me that his wife cried everyday when she found out about me. He told her that he no longer talked to me and that was not the truth...when he came to town every week we were together in a hotel room. I traveled with him sometimes when he had truck deliveries in other states. I had dinner with him every Monday when he was in town. I laid beside him when he talked with his wife late at night when she was calling to check up on him. I realized that he did not want to hurt his wife or he would have not answered his phone or told her that he was with his girlfriend. I realized then that if a man is going to cheat then he is going to cheat. As far as your husband hitting you when you ask about his girlfriend...that is a whole differnt story. Sista! Do not let this man hit you and stay with him. He is the one at fault regarding this issue. I repeat...DO NOT LET THIS MAN HIT YOU!!! Get yourself together and get prepared to leave. I believe...once a cheater then always a cheater. Get a job and start putting aside money to make a move. Find some interest outside of your house. Get out of that house and find yourself!!! Sometimes affairs outside of a marriage can not be resolved!
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A
male
reader, RookieOnLove +, writes (24 February 2011):
I recently found out my deceased father had affairs which has changed my views on him completely, that betrayal can never be undone.
However I won't focus on that, anyone who threatens to hit you does not deserve you, period. Forget the cheating, wanting to beat you up is unacceptable, leave him, start a new. You can never be happy with a wife beater.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): Firstly hunny you should get out of there! Hold your head high, you have nothing to be ashamed of!
I think he maybe stayed and cheated because he had yoou at home to control and dominate by the sounds of. He wanted the best of both world.
I think a leopard can't change his spots so in my mind; once a cheat always a cheat. I think lust gets the better and the person caves in easily to tempatations, then the lies come from being weak and the lies make them feel better and can spiral out of control so there's lie after lie.
I think he will only be sorry for being weak and found out, then appologize like there's no tomorrow all because he knows you and you to him are his doormat! I'm sorry to say that.
You deserve better than this relationship and are stronger than you think, you have already thought of walking, now comes the next step.....doing it!
Because he pays the bills etc does that give him the right to hit you? NO. walk away and find some happiness please :)
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