A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've got myself into such a mess. I'm engaged to the most amazing guy in the world, he means everything to me. We currently only see eachother at weekends as I'm at university now, and may way of coping with him not being here is to sort of push him out of my mind.I have recently made a male friend, we really click. Well last night I ended up going back to his flat for a sort of mini party (no alcohol involved) with a few of our friends. We found ourselves getting really incredibly close, talking for hours and eventually kissing and fooling around a little. It was an absolutely amazing experience like nothing either of us have had before, a really deep and meaningful connection as if we'd known eachother for years and we were together as a couple rather than just friends. But now I absolutely despise myself for doing that to my fiancee and to my friend. Once I was out of the 'moment' I started to think about my fiancee again, the most doting, loving, trusting person in the world who I know is everything I need. I talked it through with my friend and it completely broke his heart when he realised that my fiancee was more significant to me. He insisted that we had something really special and I should at least give myself time to mull it over.I am seeing my boyfriend this weekend. On the phone yesterday he was talking about some big wonderful secret suprise that he has for me. Last time he said that was when he proposed. I have got myself into the most horrific situation imaginable, I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up breaking two hearts and am wondering if perhaps I should just come clean and cut them both out of my life as I don't deserve either of them.I know I've done something really horrific and messy and am now entirely confused about my feelings for both of them and what I should do about it. I didn't think it was possible to have strong feelings for more than one person at a time, and I certainly didn't think I was capable of cheating on my fiancee (maybe something to do with the blocking him out of my mind coping mechanism?). Do I tell him this weekend or give myself more time to mull over the situation? Any advice gratefully accepted as I'm completely at a loss here.
View related questions:
engaged, fiance, kissing, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009): I think you are so lucky to have found a wonderful guy, but I think you made a mistake because of your age. You are so young and marriage is a big commitment. There is a saying "When in doubt do nothing" Maybe you are not ready for marriage.
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (7 November 2009):
 I think you absolutely must tell your fiance what has happened - as hard as that will be for both of you- if you don't you are 'getting away with it' in your mind...and it will mean that you have already set yourself up to cheat in the future - this recent 'infidelity' would have paved the way as there may be absolutely no consequences if you don't tell.
Research into cheating behaviour indicates that people who go on to cheat generally have 'worn down' their usual morals and ethics with a series of 'smaller' infidelities...such as a 'crush' on someone, flirtations with a colleague, a dirty pash at a club etc...so when the opportunity presents to do more (ie: cheat) it is actually pretty easy to do.
You are on this slippery slope now.
So, given you are feeling remorse, I suggest you come clean and then work through the consequences of that. There is a reason you CHOSE to do what you did - you need to figure that out. You also need to be as open and honest with your fiance as you can be - to not give yourself opportunity to deceive him.
As for time to 'mull things over" regarding the 'friend'...that's ridiculous. There is no way you could hope to make a decision about him with your fiance still around - he will influence things even if you 'think' you have blocked him out or see him as a seperate issue.
And -you are no longer 'friends' with this other guy - he has indicated he wants more - so you need to decide if that's what you want. If it isn't - and it's your fiance you hope to keep - you should NOT have any contact with this other guy, simple as that.
Go and read some literature on cheating or see a psychologist...there is still time to prevent yourself from hurting alot of people.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): If it is to never be repeated...and it progressed no farther than you have told us, please do not tell your fiance.' I usually do not post anon because i have been told (sorry q) that it is a cowards way...so be it. I know from experience that the guilt is eating you alive but trust me the fallout will be worse. If I had it to do over again...I would not tell. I live with my mistake every day but i wish my guy didnt have to also. If you are not sure of your love, and to be honest i would reconsider that, then take a break. You are not being fair to either guy frankly at this point in time. good luck sweetie, take a deep breath and do some soul aearching before you see your guy.
...............................
A
male
reader, jnj express  +, writes (6 November 2009):
1st the guy you are with at college is a scumbag----he knows you are engaged yet he tries to convince you to dump your fiance and be with him----You need to go NC with him right now----If you do figure out what you want with your fiance, as long as scumbag is around he will try to weasel in, and break you down!!!!!!As far as telling or not----It is pre marital, so tell him now, it will be a lot worse if you do marry and wait till after you say your vows. You need to figure out WHY you let this happen, you either love your fiance, or you don't, You have to decide----If you love your fiance, then all of this partying and messing with other guys at school is taboo. What you do with your life is up to you. If you want to sow your wild oats then tell your fiance you need some time for yourself and breakup with him. Also please stop with this amazing line----believe me what you are experiencing is not amazing---it is just average, but you will find that out for yourself down the line. No matter what you need to dump the scumbag, he is just out for himself, and he has no respect for you
...............................
A
male
reader, LookingForAnswers +, writes (6 November 2009):
the question is:
is your fiancee everything you need or everything you want?
...............................
A
male
reader, metalsman +, writes (6 November 2009):
 Hmmm...Sounds like you've got your own big, secret suprise for your boyfriend too..although, not so wonderful!!I'd take heed of what Gina says here, she's pretty spot on.If it was just limited to kissing then maybe ok, fair enough..weak moment which may be forgiveable to some extent, but if not, and it went beyond that into physicalities given that i don't know what "fooling around a little" really means, then i thing you've a moral responsibility to let your boyfriend know where he stands and let him make his own mind up..As some have said before on here..You've allowed another person into your relationship with your fiance, it's only right he has an opportunity to be a part of the knowledge of your "amazing experience" Quote.
...............................
A
female
reader, SAMYLUNEY  +, writes (6 November 2009):
 well honestly ask your self how long have u been withyour fiance? you only get to see eachother on weekend . what does he do to cope with not having u around? is the trust that deep where you can tell him what you hav done it was only kissing how bad kan that be, u dont fully have to explain the emtion behind it just the plain fact. if i were u i wud give the other person a shot b4 tellin my fiancee and jus cope with my guilt for alittle whiile
...............................
A
male
reader, Unknown3213 +, writes (6 November 2009):
I am in the same situation right now basically my girlfriend who means more than the world to me has just done the same thing she is still confused and wants to still spend time with the guy she cheated on me with and its the same scenario i forgave her and im willing to take her back becasue i love her to dam much and i wouldn;t want to break her heart like she broke mine but this is a very bad scenario to put in and I know how your fiance would feel but it's best you tell him before he somehow finds out on his own.
...............................
|
