A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When I'm watching movies with my boyfriend he is always pointing out which girls have better breasts or stomachs than me. If there is a topless scene he will immediately turn to me and tell me things like, "her's are much bigger than yours, they're really nice" or "now those are the kind of nipples I like" or "see how flat her stomach is?" stuff like that. He hardly ever says outright that mine are ugly or too small but he hints a lot. He also does it with women on the street, on magazines, etc. He is always point out which breasts he likes. I am a B cup, and was happy with it until all this started. We have been together for roughly 1 and 3/4 years. All this time he has watched lots of porn (especially big breast fetish porn) which i never minded because I watch it too on my free time, especially guy-on-guy stuff. Now he tells me he doesn't want me watching guy-on-guy porn because he says it's gross. He doesn't seem to see that of course it's gross to him, he's a straight guy, but as a straight girl the men are the best bit for me... but he gets very upset when I watch it, he even cried once. So I told him I wouldn't watch it anymore. Since that was the only sort of porn I liked I no longer watch any porn, so am dependant on him for all sexual needs. He still watches all sorts of porn including girl-on-girl. I tried to ask him how is that fair? But he insists that he needs it and I don't... i haven't pursued this too much because I don't want to make problems for us. I do miss the porn though, in particular because our sex life is getting less satisfying.This is because He recently stopped having sex with me unless I kept my bra on, whereas I used to love taking it off and having lots of fun, now I am very self conscious of my smaller breasts. I can no longer relax when we make love, I worry that he is not happy with my body. the rare times he lets me take my bra off he usually wants me to do it doggie style, I think so he doesn't have to see my breasts, but he denied it when I asked. He says he is fine with my breasts but I am developing a huge complex about them, it is really starting to affect my self esteem. i used to be proud of how perky and pretty they were but now i just see that my nipples are too small and my breasts aren't full enough. unfortunately i cannot change my breasts. I have made my boyfriend sound just awful in my post and I wish there was a way i could write a book so you could all see that hes not horrible all the time. if he was i wouldnt be with him. this is just an issue that is getting worse and worse in our relationship. we rarely have sex any more and when we do i dont enjoy it. as you can imagine this is impacting other aspects of our relationship... we fight a lot now. i rarely yell when he talks about other womens breasts but I do sometimes get a bit snappy with him, and have said rude things like "if you think they're so great why don't you buy me a pair?" or "if you like hers so much go be with her, have a happy life" ... he hates it when I get snippy because in his mind he is helping me. I miss the days when I loved my body. how can I make him see that I need his love not his judgement? i know my breasts aren't really huge but i have never had a man complain about them before.
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male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (7 November 2009):
 I dated a girl with A cups and LOVED those perky, beautiful breasts. Not every guy will judge you based on your bra size.
But it HAS to be fair. If he's watching porn, you can. If he doesn't want you to, then he has to stop. That whole line that "men need it" is total bull. It's something you both enjoy, but he's being controlling and hypocritical.
And if he's making you so self conscious about sex that you've lost interest and feel ugly, then he's being emotionally abusive, no matter how he makes you feel the rest of the time. I was recently dumped by a girl that loved me to give her oral, but wanted me to stay clothed because she couldn't even look at my member. I know what it feels like to be with a loving, caring, loyal, funny, cuddly person that somehow can't stand to see me naked. It sucks, and it KILLS self esteem, and it is NOT a foundation to build a life on.
I'm sure you love him, and that he fulfills your needs in many ways, but think about if you want to marry a man that doesn't even appreciate your body. It doesn't work. My friend is married to a man that always liked the petite girl build and insults and belittles her every day for being average build (thin, in great shape, she's even a military girl so you know she takes care of herself), but she's not super thin so he is cruel to her, demeaning and telling her to starve herself. She's about ready to divorce him.
No matter how much you think he's good to you, you HAVE to make a stand and hold out for someone that loves ALL of you, including your firm, perky, lovely breasts. There ARE men out there (myself included) that think B's are ideal, and will want those bedroom lights on so they can see you in all your glory. Besides, B cup breasts don't sag like D's and cause far less back aches. My friend (mentioned above) had reduction surgery to get closer to your size. Another girl I'm talking to has trouble with men because of her larger breasts and I recently forwarded her a link to this question to make her feel better about her large size. The grass is always greener. You just need a man that likes your shape.
And you deserve such a man. If your guy doesn't start to cherish you, he doesn't deserve you. NO man is worth losing your self-respect over.
A
female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (6 November 2009):
If i was you i would start watching the guy on guy porn again and dont stop unless he stops watching porn himself. Dont take any notice if he crys about it he is probly scared you will think they look better than him. Which he deserves because he makes you feel bad about yourself. I think you need to say to him, the next time you put me down like that im going to finish with you. And also, when you are watching a film or see a good looking man you should say something to him about it. Like how great looking he is. And if your boyfriends got a problem with it you should remind him how he does it to you. If i was you i would tell him seriously if he doesnt stop telling you what to do and being rude to you then its over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): Holy crap, where to begin? When I started reading I thought "He sounds like an insensitive jerk." And the more I read, the worse he sounds. What are you doing with this guy?! Okay, he's not ALL bad, fine. But just what you've described here is bad enough, believe me!
First, the comments about your boobs and your figure. He must know that's being rude, disrespectful, insensitive and hurting your feelings. And what does he expect you to do about it anyway? It's not like you have any control over how big your boobs are?
And the porn thing. What a freaking hypocrite! He gets to have his girl/girl porn but you can't have your guy/guy stuff. One, who the hell is he to tell you what you can and can't watch? And two, doesn't he see what a hypocrite he's being? And three, he cried when you watched it? I don't even know what to say about that!
And now he's witholding sex from you unless you do it the way HE wants? That's unacceptable right there. Sex is supposed to be an affirmation of love, intimacy and affection, as well as pleasure. It's not supposed to be leverage that one partner uses against the other. Plus it's insensitive not letting you take your bra off and only wanting to do it from behind because surely he can see how uncomfortable and unsatisfied you are with that. But it's all about what HE wants isn't it.
You probably have perfectly lovely breasts and a lovely figure, but because of his obsession with what a woman should look like you're getting a complex about them. His behavior is having a serious and detrimental affect on your self esteem, and it's got to stop.
Presumably there isn't any shortage of single men in Canada. You must be able to do better than this chump. Aside from what it's doing to your self esteem and self image, you're no longer happy in the relationship because you fight all the time and don't have sex, satisfying or otherwise. Is there one reason that you can give us why you should stay with this guy?
I think you should get rid of him ASAP and find a man who appreciates the love of a good woman and knows a good thing when he sees one. This guy just sounds like a rather laughable, and pathetic loser.
One of the things that makes me sad about reading Dear Cupid is all the young women who have issues about their body, in particular their breats size. And to hear about someone who was actually proud, as she should be, of her body and have a positive self image only to have it dashed like this.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 November 2009):
 Have you tried simply telling him to stop? Without being snippy?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): It seems like you like abuse, this guy is the kind that will turn into one of those men that abuses his women emotionally and who knows, eventually physically so they WILL never leave him.
He has all the warning signs, beating down your self esteem, getting you dependent on him, making you feel like you're worthless...HELLO...don't ignore these signs.
I know you don't want to think he is, but he is.
This is more than the sex, this is more than the bad comments, this is more then forcing you to stop watching the porn (especially when he still watches girl/girl). Also, notice how he says, YOU (meaning women) don't need it. He obviously feels superior to you. Relationships, the most important thing ever, is respect. There needs to be a mutual amount of courtesy and decency, his comments to you reflected none of this.
I'm not a feminist at all, I'm actually a bit traditional in relationships, but not a DOOR MAT.
However, a man like this is NOT good for you. Other guys, would never mention those things because they care about their women, their feelings, etc - partners want to lift each other up, not beat them down - likes yours do.
My advice, cut off your ties with him, you're young, don't invest anymore time with him. BUT I'm going to tell you now..
A man like this is going to be hard to break up with. He's the kind that will get EXTREMELY emotional, cry, beg, plead, promise to change, apologize, to try to keep you there. He'll become obsessive, about calling, maybe sending you e-mails/notes, he'll go through friends to try to make contact with you. You WILL think he's doing this because he CARES, he's not, it's typical behavior of men with his complex. I would not be surprised if after breaking up (or trying) he becomes a physical threat to your safety.
I know you think I'm going overboard, but how do you think women get into abusive relationships? They start off nice, but then verbal or emotional abuse starts to happen.
The reason he tells you those things is because he wants you to feel like NOTHING, like NO ONE wants you, etc. So you can feel like sh*t. It's his way of controlling you.
I hope you get out of this mess and drop him like he's hot, but unfortunately I don't think you will.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 November 2009):
 Surely you cant believe that you think he says these things to "help you"? No person on this earth would talk about how attractive other women/men in front of their partner thinking that it is helpful to point out what is so great about that other person compared to you.
How do you think it would go down with your boyfriend if you started saying "look how toned/muscular he is" or when watching porn "now that is the kind of penis I like" - you know in your own mind that would not be helpful to him, and I bet you would never dream of saying something like that anyway!
While you might think your boyfriend is great in all other aspects of your relationship, the reality is that this relationship is not working for you. There are two fundamental things wrong here:
1. Sex life - you have said yourself it has gone down-hill and you dont enjoy it anymore. Sex is a major part of a relationship and when the sex starts to disappear, cracks in the relationship start to appear.
2. Confidence/Self Esteem - aside from trust and communication, this is something that a relationship cannot survive without. A good relationship is one where both people involved feel loved, happy and confident about themselves. A partner should make you feel sexy, attractive and wanted. Not anxious about your body! When you start to get a complex about areas of your body because of your partner, you will soon start to lose the trust for that person as you will wonder whether he will stray with a woman who has everything he wants.
Now I think there are two possibilties why your boyfriend is acting like this:
1. He wants you to be jealous. Men like to talk about other women sometimes just to get a reaction out of their girlfriends. They dont realise that by talking about other woman they are making their girlfriends feel insecure as they know they look nothing like the women they are being compared to. I was talking about this with my boyfriend last night - he is forever saying how "hot" female celebs are and while it doesnt really bother me much, it gets a bit annoying and is starting to get to me a little as all the women he thinks are really hot are ones that are very skinny and look nothing like me! Now if he found someone like Selma Hayek or Jennifer Lopez attractive then I would be fine as they are attractive women with curves. But he always goes for the ones that are about 6ft and skinny! When I asked him about it he said he just wants me to be jealous from time to time and be a little posessive over him! Stupid I know but men are pretty stupid sometimes.
2. The only other possibility is that he really just is a complete jerk who has no idea how insensitive he is being or how he is pushing away a woman who really loves him.
You need to sit down and have a proper talk with him, where he cant cry or turn the situation around to be about him. He needs to know that when you are in a relationship and you love someone, it is fundamental to make them feel good and attractive - if you dont feel good when you are with someone then you dont want to spend time with that person, after all who wants to spend time with someone who brings you down 24/7? He needs to understand that this cannot continue - you are an attractive woman with a great body and he is lucky to have you. He should be proud to be with you and if he is not then he knows where the door is. I dont think he understands what he is doing to your self-esteem and he really wont have any idea of the severity of the situation.
Failing that then relationship counselling might work - a therapist might be able to get to the bottom of his so called "need" to watch porn and constantly belittle you when he is looking at other women.
You need to be aware here that his behaviour is not normal, nor is it acceptable. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who makes you feel unattractive? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with an insensitive porn addicted man who has double standards?
I bet the answer is no, so dont put up with it anymore! If my boyfriend ever made me feel unattractive then he would know about it right away and would have some serious making up to do. I honestly believe it is part of your "job" so to speak as a girlfriend to make your boyfriend feel attractive and wanted - I will always tell my boyfriend how great he looks and make a point of making him feel sexy and confident. The least I expect is for him to do the same for me in return, and 99% of the time he does. So our sex life is great because we are both confident around each other and we enjoy each other's bodies - hence our relationship benefits because of this.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): You don't usually enter a relationship thinking it will end, however many do, whether you think about it or not. Me, I like to be realistical. Do you want to let the boyfriend's comments get to you, so that later when you are no longer together, become the person who is avoided because she is "too hard work" to be with?
Another man will have to be confronted with the broken pieces of your self esteem and that could be the cause of a difficult relationship until you are cured. You entered this relationship as a confident and whole person. Whatever you do, make sure your confidence and common sense stay unaltered. If this isn't possible in this relationship, you know what to do.
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