A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im 27, and scared.I have been in a very fast and intense relationship for 6 months now. I love them more than I thought possible, and now I am terrified things are changing and I will end up being hurt. I need to know how mentally or medically, I can stop feelin these fears, as I believe they will drive him away.Let me explain the history - I was previously with someone for 4 years, they cheated on me when we were engaged and trying for a baby and left me for her. This smashed the little self confidence I had. After 18 months I met my new man, I had barriers up, tried to stop myself showing I cared. He told me I needed to let the barriers down, let him in, cause not everyone is out to hurt. His actions, constant lovely emails, texts, public declarations of how much he loved me, him being insecure about my male acquaintances and promises to never ever hurt me as he had never felt like this all made me lower the barriers, and fall head over heels. About a month ago things started changing, the public declarations of his love stopped, he emails me less, and in arguments backtracks on promises he has made to me, for example, before he told me he had never cheated, that it was the route of all evil, now he says he did when he was 17, and can see why some people do, do it. Somewhere in my head I know this is probably just the honeymoon period over, but then paranoia sets in.I think that now he is secure with me, knows I wont ever hurt him, he has let go of the things he did to draw me in, but in doing so has made me go from feeling secure to petrified. I read into everything. There were so many things in hindsight that should have alerted me to my ex cheating, that I now seem to be seeing every little change as him falling out of love with me, or even inflating it to him cheating. One example is on an internet sight, he has changed his profile pic from one of me and him, to just him, and hidden his in a relationship status, he has given me reasons for both, and I don’t mind the profile pic thing in itself, but combined, my head is working overtime thinking, he is seeing someone else, they r waiting for him to leave me, and have asked him in the meantime to show he will by hiding me publically. I hope that’s just me being ridiculous, but I can not stop these paranoid thoughts going round in my head. Yes he spends every night with me, but then so did my ex. I hate the fact I feel like this, I hate that someone has turned me from a fun person to a paranoid, needy girlfriend who will probably lose someone who treats me so well.I just want to turn all these thoughts off. If it ends up he hurts me, so be it, but it’s the racing in my heart everytime I keep thinking he may be changing his feelings for me that’s killing me. Please can someone tell me what I can do. Ill try anything, hypnosis, counselling, anything.
View related questions:
cheated on me, confidence, engaged, insecure, my ex, period, text, trying for a baby Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (19 March 2009):
 I dont think you are being that unreasonable in your worries and concerns here, 6 months is a short time for the honeymoon period to be over! And with the internet site thing (I'm guessing here that it is facebook), I dont think it is right that he has hidden his relationship status - that wouldnt be acceptable to me and I've never been cheated on!
He must have given you a pretty good reason for doing that, I cant see any reason why when you are in a relationship with someone you love that you would want to do this. I dont think there is any harm in changing his profile pic but the relationship status thing is definately not right.
I think this relationship may have gone too fast for you, especially after the way you were treated before. You definately need to see a therapist/councillor as they will be able to help you address your trust issues and get your confidence back.
However your boyfriend should be more understanding of your past and should be wanting to do everything he can to make you feel secure and happy; the relationship status is just one thing that makes me think he is not even considering your past anymore.
There are a lot of men out there that will really change after a few months (my ex included). They start off as the sweetest, kindest most attentive man you have ever meet. They will be almost overwhelming with their affection and desire to be with you. Eventually all this attention brings your barriers down, and you think that this person could be the one you will spend the rest of your life with.
Then a couple of months later and Bang! they have changed into someone almost unrecognisable. They have no interest in you any more, no desire to take you out anywhere or treat you like a princess as they once did, they stop the affection unless they want sex (which also tails off, even though at first they couldnt keep their hands off you!)and they stop any texts or emails with sweet little messages in (even though when you first met they would send these sorts of things at least twice a day!).
That is pretty much what happened to me after 4 or 5 months of my relationship with my ex. Now he wasnt cheating, and he hadnt met anyone else. Nor was he going out with his friends all the time or anything like that, it was almost like he just lost interest yet whenever I brought it up, he told me he loved me and I was worring about nothing. Now in the end he turned out to be abusive both physically and emotionally, he just didnt enjoy being in a relationship and took out his unhappiness on me.
I'm not saying that this will happen to you, I very much doubt it will. But I dont want you to blame your lack of trust for the relationship not going smoothly at the moment, he is playing a big part in this too. I think either he bucks his ideas up and makes more of an effort, or you just leave him. Often men that turn out to be like this will never change, so even if you go to a councillor and sort out all your trust issues, the issues in the relationship will still be there and they wont get better.
Make sure you do go see a therapist, they will be able to help you work through your issues and allow you to start to trust men again. But you also need to talk to your boyfriend - explain that you feel he has changed and you are not liking the "new" him. If he still makes no effort a few months down the line then leave him, you can find someone better. There are men out there that will treat you right, every single day you are together. Men like your boyfriend are just lazy and have no real idea of how to treat a woman. They think it is all about the chase and once they have won, they can do whatever the hell they like. Dont settle for this, you can do so much better.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (19 March 2009):
 Hi Hunny
I understand why you feel this way, As its happened to me..Its so very hard to let go and enjoy what you have after awhile as you said the honeymoon period is slowly becoming less and you are both getting used to being together...
To be in a 4yr relationship and have that happen its hardly surprising you are feeling these horrible feelings..And they are horrible..First can I say you have to believe in yourself as a person and love you for who you are, Im sending you a link that I send quite often to women and Ive had good reports that it helps a lot....
http://www.selfesteem4women.com/index.php
Maybe if you go and see a counsellor about the past relationship and get that all out of your system talk it all out you will feel better for it love, You need to get you back the person you feel comfortable and happy with..Concentrate on you, Yes be there for your fella but take care of your needs and learn once again to have the confidence you once had...If you need a chat at any time message me, I hope this has helped a little TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
|
