A
male
age
41-50,
*ussell
writes:well here we go again! i wrote to this column almost 1 year ago to the date. my girl and i did get back together. i received some great advice but unfortunately ive found myself back in a situation again. it may help you to search my previous question "i know what i did is bad but am i wrong for thinking she should forgive me" this should give you some valuable history on my relationship woes!my girlfriend of 2.5 years and i have now been split up for 6 weeks. this time it was not something i did but her rather. and boy she went and did the worst thing possible... cheat!let me back up and accept alittle bit of (not all) responsibility here. i finally popped the question to her. i realized she truly was the person i wanted to grow old with and she happily accepted. she acted as if a dream had come true and started planning the wedding the very next day! about 6 weeks later the new had worn off and we were in a spat about washing powder of all things! anyway what started as a small arguement turned into some good old fashioned mud slingin compliments of words neither of us meant. she said something to the effect of "this isnt going to work" and i ended and brought silence to the arguement by saying "you're right, when we get back to your house you can give me that ring back!" the end... or so i thought. when we got back to her house i helped her put up the groceries and then went into her bedroom to watch the ballgame alone. she came in shortly after me and said very spitefully, "you really want your ring back!" as she put her hand in my face. you probably can guess what happened next as i am a man and am cursed with pride that will not let somethings go! i took the ring off her finger im sad to say without stopping to think about her feelings. she exited the room and i noticed the tears falling. after about 15 minutes my swollen pride began to withdraw and i was able to see how much i hurt her. i cant stand to see her cry. she will always win or get anything she wants if i see i brought her to tears (which doesnt happen often.) i took the ring back out and while she wasnt looking placed it where she was sitting. she came back to the bedroom and said that wasnt the way the ring came off so thats not the way its going back on. i apologized but if you did your homework you know that forgiveness doesnt come cheap when dealing with this woman. the next few weeks i spent pleading with her to put the ring back on or let me put it back on. we reconsiled our anger with each other but she said she just wants time. i didnt push. i knew id hurt her so i would just give her time.from that moment on i started paying closer attention to things. phone calls and text message patterns began to change. sex life began to change. 1 hour long trips turning into 2 hour long trips because of unbelievable events. i knew what was going on before i had the evidence. a guys gut is 99% accurate.from there i locked up. no talking with her, no emotion, no romance, nothing! but the odd texts and calls kept pouring in. finally she sat me down to talk one night. she had been in a great mood that evening and was doing everything she could to make me happy. i remained dry and reserved. she wanted to know what was bothering me and said she had noticed id been acting weird. i resisted and just told her id been tired and stressed. she didnt buy it. she kept pressing until i gave in. i explained to her that, while we had resolved the arguement that led to the ring coming off her finger, it wasnt resolved in my mind. i told her i wanted to be married and wanted to do what it takes to get the ring back where it belongs. she said just give it some time and we'll see where we're at in the new year. i told her i was beginning to feel like she might be interacting with someone else. she laughed and asked why. i explained id noticed the changes in her cell phone usage, including deleted messages, and the decline in our sex life. she then got angry with me and began to call me names such as "psycho" this led to a very heated arguement. one in which she called and had her parents come over and listen to (they are counslers for the church.) they listened to both sides and almost seemed to be taking my side in the matter. they said we were both acting like children and needed to be good to each other and try to work this thing out. we took a few days to cool off then agreed to talk about marriage in january. but i kept my eyes wide open...the next month brought christmas and what normally would be our most favorite time of year, just seemed to be a dread as it was a couple weeks closer to the talk. i finally accepted that she was cheating and i would forgive her, but chose to wait for the right time to discuss and moved to gather the evidence she couldnt deny. i received copies of the deleted texts and recorded some voicemails the guy had left. when most people cheat they have to tell someone, especially women, so i went to her friends and twisted them into telling me the who and how long. reviewing all the information it looked as though the ring incident played a big part in her decision. the guy worked with her and had probably been in her ear for along time (she is a very attractive lady.) when i took the ring off it was perfect timing for him! im not saying she had the right to do what she did but im not going to be ignorant to the fact that these things happen for a reason.finally it all came to head and i couldnt hold it in any longer. i had made changes in my life to be a better partner for her and they all went for naught. it seemed as though everyday she was looking for something to fight about. i removed anything and everything that would displease her in our relationship and then it just got stupid obvious that what she was looking for something to take the feeling of guilt away. i sat her down and explained that i understand why shes looking to pick a fight. i told her i knew who, what, when, where and how. i said i dont need an explanation i just need to know where we're going from here. of course she denied it all but i had the evidence. once presented with it, she broke down crying (it breaks my heart.) i asked her what she wanted to do. she said that she loves me and doesnt want to lose me. i told her that i would work on forgiving her but it was going to take a strong effort on both our parts. the weight had been lifted from both of us and we were free to move on. not so fast...one week later! i was having a bad day, my mind going crazy thinking. i sent her a message to call me when she got break. she didnt so i called her. probably perfectly honest but after what id been through i wasnt thinking that way. she said that she had been real busy and didnt have a chance to take break. later i sent a text asking if she would like to have lunch with me. i received no reply so i went anyway. i arrived at what i thought was her normal lunch time and phoned her. she was very snappy and i asked if she would like to have lunch. she said no her lunch was almost over she had gone 15 minutes earlier than usual. i was upset and made the comment "so i drove up here for nothing." she didnt like this at all. she said you drove up here? she stormed outside and commenced to letting me have it. she said she wasnt going through this and it wasnt going to work. she said it was the end and we should split.i was devastated! i left town and collected my thoughts. i returned a week later to gather my things from her house. we sat and talked awhile. she really humbled herself and showed that she was really sorry for doing me the way she did me. she asked if we could keep in contact and see where things end up later. i told her that would be fine. i left heartbroken and empty. but for about the next couple of weeks she called me, text me, sent emails, just did things that let me know i was on her mind. this felt good. i figured maybe this breakup was exactly what we needed for us to truly get over what had happened. but then it stopped. no calls, texts, emails, nothing. she ignored most of any contact i tried to make and when we did speak it was almost as if i had done something to piss her off. finally, after being split for about 3 weeks, i just quit trying to reach her. i had gotten over the cheating and wanted her back, but it appeared as though she wasnt ready. (sidenote: if your thinking she never stopped seeing the other guy, she did, im 100% certain) so i told myself i would not call her for a month. i knew this would be hard but i wanted to give her a chance to miss me. well i made it to 3 weeks and due to a family situation i had to contact her this weekend. i told her i needed to see her and it was important, but it wasnt about me and her. she asked what it was and i told her i felt it was something we needed to speak about in person (i knew what i had to talk about was going to upset her.) she said that it would have to wait because shes in the middle of something. i asked if she was out with someone and she said yes. i told her thats fine (i lied) but it was really important. she refused (probably thinking i was just trying to ruin her evening.) so i decided that i would go meet her. i went to the local resteraunt and there she sat... with a guy 30 years older than her. now i was confused, upset, angry, and i really dont know. i was cool and confident that if she was out with someone it would do nothing but cause her to miss me. but i really didnt see that one coming. but that her business and i had other things more important to discuss with her. i politely walked up to the gentleman, introduced myself, shook his hand, and then turned asked to speak with her outside. i told her there was a family situation and we needed to go somewhere and talk. she wrapped it up and we met about an hour later. after speaking with her she was distraught and crying just as expected. i comforted her giving her plenty of hugs and drying her tears (i cant stand it!) during the emotional time i slid in a "what the hell was that back there?" she said he was just a friend an they were just having a drink. we talked for about 3 hours, but mainly about her family issue. she did tell me she loves me and even made a joking remark "you still gonna marry me in two weeks?" (mar28 - wedding date) it seemed obvious she had been missing me. the next day i phoned to see if she was ok. she was very short and seemed a little upset with me. i figured it was just a bad day. a couple days later i text to see how she was making it and i got no response. last night i text again and again got no response. so i called and asked how everything was going? she again was very short with me. i asked why she was acting that way and she said she didnt know what to tell me. i asked if we could have lunch or something simple this weekend, she said no. then i broke down with her on the phone. i got extremely emotional and told her i don understand just a couple of nights ago she told me she loves me. i explained i wasnt trying to get involved in a big serious relationship with her but i dont think it would hurt for us to be around each other and see what happens. she said she didnt see things that way. i asked if she was seriously seeing anyone, she said no. finally i pleaded with her to go with me to a play i had purchased tickets for a few weeks back for us. i told her we wouldnt discuss anything from the past or anything she didnt want to. if she would do that, then i wouldnt contact before the play (apr4) and if she wanted afterwards i would leave her alone completely for good no more ever! she said she would think about it and let me know before then.my question is what advice can anyone give me about what to do? i love this woman with all my heart and i want so bad to be with her. im willing to move as slow as it takes. im looking for advice from women cheaters if theres anymore out there. i want to know whats going on inside her head. im sorry this is so long and i hope i havent painted a one sided picture here. i want brutal honest feedback. she did wrong, ive done wrong.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Gisela12345 +, writes (19 May 2009):
Hello Russell!!I hope im not to late to answer back...but here i go!I believe im in the same situation as your girl..I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for almost five years.I truly think he is a husband to have but about 5 months ago we started to have some problems..we would fight about stupid things…it got to the point that I started to see the differences between each other.During the time of problems destiny brought me to this guy I ended up liking at work….I felt like I was falling and this guy was there to catch me and not my boyfriend…I’m ashamed of what I did but I cheated …I never though this was going to happened but it did…I was really upset and I wanted to tell him but I don’t have the guts to do it till now…anyways I wanted things to work out between me and my boyfriend because I though it was a phase I was going through so I left the other guy, its really hard because I still see the other guy at work and it makes me think if I really love my boyfriend or not.. (Without cheating) So I started to act just like your girl. Sometimes I would answer the calls of my boyfriend and sometimes not. There was days I wanted to be with him others not .One day ill be thinking…he is the one for me but the next day I wanted to take back the thought. I end up telling him I needed a brake, I know he is in love with me so I wanted to make sure I felt the same way too. He told me to take the time I needed and that he would be waiting for me (see how much this guys loves me!! It sounds just like you). Right now I started to think deeply what is it that I really want… and I came to the conclusion that I really like and care about him but I’m not in love with him.. I’m really scared to loose him because I know a guy like him is not easy to let go…I know Im young and I have so much to experience but I really don’t care to be with a person for a long period of time as long as I’m happy, but the problem is that I cant be selfish and keep a guy who loves me so much and I don’t …I though I loved him but since the day I cheated on him I realized I did not because I wouldn’t treated him the way I did or I wouldn’t cheated on him. I think if I was in love with him I would’ve tried to communicate with him until we fix things up …but I didn’t.. I felt something missing in my relationship, I started to see differences, issues, and other things…I cant change who he is because love is accepting that person with their mistakes…. So what im going to tell you might hurt you.. But I hope im right and it helps… I believe your girl doesn’t want to let you go because she is scared of loosing you and not finding a guy like you or someone that would love her as much as you do to her. I don’t think she is on love with you because of all the things she did or said (from all the things that you said, she sounds a lot like me).. I do I think you are the person she likes better than other guys....(I could be wrong) so what I would suggest is to give her some time until she contacts you or she is ready to talk regarding her feelings or what she wants for her future (Make sure she is the one looking for you)… if you DO give her some time and she doesn’t contact you….then you know for a fact she doesn’t love you and she is not meant to be with you… if she really wants to be with you she will knock on your door right away..I’m the type of person I analyze things a lot and I hope she does too, you deserve someone who will treat you the same way to do to her..you seem like a great guy with nice feelings (just like my boyfriend) so im sure you will find the right person soon.PS: I’m suppose to meet my boyfriend this weekend to let him know what I really want in my life..It hurts me say this but I decided to break up with him , but I believe I’m doing the right thing because I want him to be happy.Wish me luck!Also..since i was late to reply back..maybe you and your girl got back together...if so..then i guess i was wrong by thinking she is going throught the same thing that im going.
A
male
reader, russell +, writes (25 March 2009):
russell is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim sorry i felt it was important to give all the details so you didnt get a one sided story. probably why i havent gotten any advice.
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A
female
reader, flicka23  +, writes (25 March 2009):
 wow, your post is tooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long
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A
male
reader, fwddgs  +, writes (19 March 2009):
You poor thing... I confess I've been in your shoes and hers. She's currently in the stage of confusion, where you don't know what you want any more or what to say. She's still in love with you, she knows you still love her, but there's this huge barrier in her head stopping her from doing anything in case it leads to more pain. If she can sum up the courage to go to the play, you'll know what happens next. If not, then you'll just have to keep trying until she eventually sums up the courage to say yes or no. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful but right now she's the one stopping things from continuing.
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