A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:We started off happy, but then he became homeless so I was there for him, I slept outside with him some nights even in his car. I didn't want to leave him alone, we stayed at my parents a lot which is when they started disliking him. For 2 years now he has been violent towards me e.g punching, slapping, threatening, calling me nasty things. Just once has he really bruised my face where i couldn't go home for a week an a half till it healed he cried and told me he loved me so much and would never hit me again but its carried on. i will always have little bruises or scratches. i am never violent back if i was to hit him it would make him angrier. but the thing is he never listens, will never talk to me about what he has just done. if i go on about it it makes him angry again so i cant say anything i feel so angry and sad all the time. i have been there for him when ever he needs me but now he expects me to do everything for him. i love him so much and he loves me coz he has even talked about marrying me. he wont get help, wont talk to me and wont get a job. he wants me to have a job though. i'm 17 he is 21. we live together aswell. I just don't know what to do i want to be with him coz there's the side when he's my lovely, kind, nice,sweet man. but then theres the side when hes angry. our sex life is useless coz i just don't feel the same making love to him anymore and he complains about it all the time says he needs sex, i hate turning him down but i just can't have sex with him. i have thought about leaving him but i don't do much during the day so i think about him all the time. when he goes out clubbing i can't trust him.i cry nearly everyday, i've been through 2 abortions, him leaving me for 3 different girls separate times, and waiting for him while he was in prison for 6 months. in 4 years we ain't been on a proper date together just stuck in the flat with him most of the time or at his mums. i just need someone's advice on what to do. please.
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female
reader, pixeydust  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 God!! This sounds just like me and my ex's relationship!! He was never in and jail though...He always knew how to abuse me without leaving bruises though. I got pregnant when I was 16 and I had the first child when I was 16 (got married at 16) had the second child at 17. I should have known from the very first after we got married and I was about 4 or 5 months along what kind of person he was going to be when I was complaining that my stomach was hurting really bad and he offered to hit me to get rid of the baby. I really didn't think anything of it though, I thought he was just trying to ease my pain. I was young and in love, or so I thought. Now I think I was too young to know what love was. Anyways, later in the relationship was abusive to me, he'd hit me, he'd kick me, he'd choke me. At night he always wanted sex and he wouldn't let me go to bed until he got what he wanted. I have seizures and I have to have my sleep so I'd always end up giving in so I could get so sleep so I wouldn't have a seizure from lack of sleep. He cheated on me. When he'd hit me though, I'd hit back....I might take the abuse, but I wasn't going down without a fight. I was afraid to leave him though. I was afraid of him, I was afraid he'd take the kids, and he always said that no one would ever love me again and I believed him, I was afraid he was right. So I stayed. Thing is....he didn't love me....he couldn't have gotten the kids because of the abuse and I shouldn't have been any more afraid of him than I was with him than without him. I just wish I'd discovered this years earlier than what I did. Thing is he never changed...until I divorced him. Your boyfriend most likely won't either and if he does it'll be after you leave him....after he discovers what he lost. He won't stop while you are with him though, especially if he's been doing it for 2 years. Get out now girl while you don't have anything tying you don't. I wish you hadn't have had the abortions and had put them up for adoption because I don't agree with abortion in the least, but you don't have any kids tying you down and if he tries to tell you the same thing that my ex told me "No one else is going to love you again like I do" Just tell him Bull **** and leave. Remember I've been through practically the same thing...send me a message anytime and I'll help you with anything I can and also remember he ain't worth your tears. Good luck and best wishes! Send me a message anytime. I'm here for you!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): I totally 100% agree with the last answer that Duskyrowe gave.
There is something romantic about your first BF and young love and all that, but nobody should be with the same person from ages 12-17. You just didn't get a chance to date other people and even learn what you like and don't like. And you definietly didn't get a taste of being with a guy who didn't have the problems that this guy has.
I know you love your BF a lot. But the fact is that when you are deciding whether or not he is what you want, you have absolutely nothing to compare him to. You haven't been in a decent relationship with anyone else. That makes a HUGE difference. Almost everyone on earth has to go through many relationships (anywhere from 2-3 to a dozen or more) before they even get a good idea about what they want and what they will settle for.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (9 April 2008):
 You have been with this guy for five years since you were twelve. Big Question, WHERE ARE THE BLOODY PARENTS TO HELP THIS POOR GIRL???????? I'm sorry but they are still responsible for this young lady as she is still very young,naive and vulnerable.
If she was my daughter I would have done time for this NASTY PIECE OF SHIT, who would ever dare raise a hand to her. He is nothing but THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR OF THE WHOLE UNIVERSE AND SHOULD BE TREATED ACCORDINGLY. (Sorry to shout but that is how I feel about this whole situation). Do yourself a favour leave this BUM and get a court order against him so that he cannot come within a thousand mile radius of you. Take Care Love, Dusky xxxxxxxxx.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): What a heartwrenching cry for help and hun, I hope you listen..really listen to all the below advice given. This guy is punching, slapping, threatening, calling you nasty things. You have been through 2 abortions, tolerated his infidelity with 3 different girls, and you waited for him while he was in prison for 6 months. This is not love, dear. This is evil at work here, on his part. Hun, you know your bf has head problems...he is a deeply troubled guy and he needs some serious work. He needs anger management help and some long, long term intensive counselling. It's likely he won't want to admit what he is doing to you so he will not seek help. We know he's an abuser, a sick guy. But what about you? Tolerating this disrespect and pain.. I don't blame you for being upset but you need to get angry (a good anger) and with good reason. Anger makes you powerful enough to do something about this. Anger, emotional distress--all are clear signala. You need to be aware of those feelings in you and respect them. Over the past 3 years, you have coped..likely hoping he might change his controlling behaviours but there is a type of person who controls through hitting, criticism and anger. And people like this do not change deeply ingrained patterns. But you can change your patterns..
So what do you do. You've already started, dear. You are questioning things; questioning his behavior; identifying his verbal and emotional/physical lobs painful at you, as being intolerable abuse. I hope you are realizing his failings are his, and there is nothing you can do to remedy his crap. You have no control over him. You can help yourself.
Look in your local phones book. And please call a battered woman's shelter and have them tell you what you can do to help. They have people on staff, expertly trained to help and advice people, like yourself in distress. You need protection, you need a safe house and these people will know how to guide you and keep you safe. Some shelters offer counseling and help young females get back on track, steering them back into a good, solid life, with educational and career counseling, as well. You also need to talk to a counselor yourself and learn how to empower your own life and your sense of self, by being taught to love yourself completely and how to set some tough boundries with people, who treat you horrendously. You can take back your power in life by 'saving' your sanity and your life...get the hell out of there. I can't give you strength, you have to get there all on your own but I'm with you all the way, girl. You are vulnerable and weakened emotionally causing you to be enabling, dependant and needy due to the abuse you have endured. Fight back...leave and begin a new life today. Stay strong and keep us all posted on how you do. hun. Feel free to private message me as well. Good luck and hang in there...my heart is with you. xxx
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A
female
reader, done it +, writes (9 April 2008):
I think your boyfriend needs psychiatric help and I think in the short term you need to go home he is trying to exploit you for money and sex love, and it seems things are getting worse not better, your parents sound worried about it, just leave it for now. Go to college, Go to uni you are so young, do something with your time, don't end up in some dead end job with him taking all your wages off of you. Do something with your youth. And let him sort himself out. As for the violence if you care about him leave, why because you are not helping him or yourself by staying, as long as you are there he is going to carry on.
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A
male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (8 April 2008):
 how much of an ass kicking do you really need to figure out you need to leave? You think anyone's advice here is gonna tell you to stay and try change him? Geez, wake up! You should've left a long time ago, why are you even asking for advice, you already know what its going to be!! Time for talking is over, get going already!
On a happier note, I read a story about a similar situation you're in. The abortions, beatings etc but this time the lady already had two kids who grow up nice and well with their grandparents. The boy beats up the father at one point and later, the daughter and mother finally defend themselves and end up killing the evil father and they all lived happily ever after (no really, it was a good ending)
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A
female
reader, x-kitycatlok-x +, writes (8 April 2008):
 Honey, you don't deserve this. No one deserves this. I know it must be hard, but I'd leave him and find someone else. Can you really trust this man? This man who's been hurting you physically and emotionally for two years? No one deserves that. Leave him and find someone better. Someone who deserves what you put into the relationship. Find something else to do so you're not thinking about him. You're in serious danger here. Just leave him.
Wishing you the best.
xxx
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 April 2008):
 You say it yourselve he is abusive. What you are experiencing is called domestic abuse. There really ain't anything you can do but get out.
Everytime you forgive him what you are doing is saying that it is okay for him to abuse you because you will take him back. It is like trying to get a dog to stop begging at the table by feeding him scraps at the table. It won't work.
The fact is that your situation is far too common, an abusive partner who keeps using promises of love and getting better to keep the victim hooked. It ain't even an act, he really means it, just can't live up to his promises. Abusers don't get better on their own and NEVER when the partner just remains in the relationship.
You need to get out, for yourselve first of all but also to FORCE him to change the only way possible, on his own, by his own will. You can't change him, I know this hurts but that is the truth.
Seek aid for domestic abuse, the easiest way would be to go to the police, no you don't need to turn him in if you are not ready, but they can provide you with addresses for help, even shelter to allow you to get out.
Yes, you love him and he loves you, and the rest of us can't possibly understand what you two have. No, we can't but we can read what you wrote down and honey, it is heartbreaking, you are still a teen and two abortions, lived on the streets, abusive partner who beats you for two years? That ain't right and you know it.
Seek aid, if for no other reason then just to talk, you may think you are alone but you are not. Countless other women have gone through what you are experiencing and just knowing that can be a great help.
What you really got to ask yourselve is, is "love" worth spending the rest of your life like this, because it won't get better on its own. You tried that, it didn't work, it has never worked for anyone else.
Please, go to the police or a doctor or a social worker, just to talk at first, to find out what the options are for you and him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): If you read your own words and you were not you - but were a complete stranger. What advice would you give yourself? It is hard to be honest with ourselves but deep down you know what needs to happen - all you need is love and support from those around you to finally do it. There are websites for women - people who can support you by email or phone if necessary through this type of thing specifically. Do not feel desperate - reach out.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (8 April 2008):
 You are telling us that you love him however this man abuses you both mentally and physically but you dont feel the same way about him anymore? If you dont feel the same way about him anymore it means that you love him, just not in love with him. A big difference!
He treats you like a slave. I mean what century does he live in? Has he not heard of equality?
You may think a leave of absence from the relationship may do the trick, but it wont! He has promised once that he wont do it again, even put on the tears for theatrical purposes, but he didnt live up to that either. You clearly state that you dont trust him when he goes clubbing. Trust is the basis of a relationship. It is the legs that a relationship stands on. Without it, there is NOTHING!!!!
You need to cut your losses and boot him out! Anyone that treats another person like this, and with such little respect, deserves no respect. You should get a friend or someone close to go with you, pack up his stuff and wait for him to get home. When he does, give him his stuff and tell him that the relationship is over. Dont let him run you out of your home! You I presume pay the rent on the property since he doesnt work, so why should he get the benefit? He has had ample opportunity to sort himself out and get a job, make something of himself, instead he is quite happy to sit and do nothing while you run around after him.
You need to do this for yourself! He wont listen to you, so make sure that someone is there with you when you tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. They are backup incase he decides to do something stupid, and moral support to make sure you go through with it. If you leave it any longer, who knows what he could do to you!
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A
female
reader, maria14r +, writes (8 April 2008):
Leave him. for real. your young and he's already old enough to drink so he's old enough to work and take care of his dam self. Don't get back with him when you do leave him. men like this make me mad. your only 17 you should be in school not working. go back with your parents and if possible get a restraining order against him because an abusive man will never change if he dont try. and if he hasnt tried then what makes you think he wants to or he will. Gurl you can do better than that low life, good for shit.... Trust me i know what i'm saying. my man, was like that but never abusive and now he's trying to change because he dont want to lose his family, he's goin to school and work..... Its going to be hard at first but then it'll get easier....Just go out with your friends. meet new people, you'll find someone better than that.... Good Luck gurl....Your Life is too precious and you have a family that cares and is there for you.
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (8 April 2008):
 omg this is so easy...leave the bum and either get a job, do volunteer work, or goto a friends house
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): Well hunny i don't think you should be with him, he is an ingnorant ass and he does not deserve you and no matter how many times he says that he loves you doesn't mean that its true bc a real man does not go around beating the ones they love!! I think you need to get out go back to your parents and just forget about him, move on find a real man!!!!! And if remember this you can't just say you love someone you have to PROVE IT!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): Get as far from this guy as you can. what kind of dumb ass are you/ will you be so sympathetic to him tht you will "sell your body" to help pay his rent of suck a strangers dick to help get him food? Leave this dude alone!
You've tried for two years to be there for him, but it has not worked.....geet away from him!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (8 April 2008):
Leave him. Go back to your parents.
Decent men do not hit you or scare you. They don't expect you to work to support them. He is a pathetic loser who does not deserve your love.
He says he wants to be with you... but won't prove it, all he sees you as is the girl who will take anything and let him get away with anything.
If he loved you he wouldn't try and control you. He would try and make you happy. But at the moment he has absolutely no reason to change because you will put up with it and do what he says.
Next time he goes out, grab a few things and go back home. You don't have to tell your parents everything, just that you had a fight and you want him to change.
Talk to him about it at your parents house while they are in. Tell him that if he loves you and wants to be with you, you want him to stop the violence, get help, get a job and sort himself out.
If he goes and gets anger management from the doctor, gets a job and keeps it, and stays faithful while you are apart.... Then give him a second chance.
If he lets you down and you forgive him, and let him back then he will walk all over you for the rest of your life. And considering 2 women a week are killed by violent partners in the UK - that might not be very long.
Good Luck!! xx
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