A
female
age
,
*ane88
writes:Hi. I am 56years old and my boyfriend is 55. I have been with him for 2 1/2years. Lived with him for 14 months out of that time. He has never made love to me although he says he loves me. I also found out, reading his own words that right before me he had an affair with a married woman in which he gave her oral sex and very happy to do it. He has never touched me but wants oral sex from me. I don't know what to do, I really can't tell him how I found out this information because I snooped. I knew there was something wrong and I had to find out. He also has been in touch with this woman since.. I feel she is the one he really loves and just can't have her and that I am his rebound. I want to break up with him even though I still love him but I am afraid that I will never find anyone again.
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affair, his ex, married woman, oral sex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, jane88 +, writes (10 May 2017):
jane88 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who answered my question/problem. I appreciate it very much.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 May 2017):
 You deserve so much better, don't let your age allow you to settle for a man who doesn't care for you.
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A
female
reader, jane88 +, writes (1 May 2017):
jane88 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wrote him a short letter and included my proof. Its not a real nice letter, and I am sure he will really hate it. I just can't go on pretending that I know nothing and that it is normal and doesn't bother me. I am sure this will end our communication. I was going to just say that this isn't going to work but it kept nagging me that I want him to know the reason why. I would tell him on the phone or in person but he never lets me say what I have to say, he yells or will hang up. Oh and he does not suffer from erectile dysfunction.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2017): It sounds like he's using you until he gets someone else.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 April 2017):
 Is this really better than being on your own?
Being left sexually unsatisfied whilst being expected to perform sexual favours and possibly being cheated on. Come on, have some self respect and break up with this man.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 April 2017):
 So, let me get this right. What you are saying is that you think living with this man who won't even touch you but expects you to perform oral on him, AND is having more than likely having an affair, is better than taking the chance of being on your own?
Sweetheart, he has you down as a house-keeper and a provider of sex relief. (I am trying to put this politely rather than what sprang to mind.) Trust me, if the married woman ever decides to leave her husband (or, as is more likely, her husband finds out and throws her out), your "boyfriend" will drop you like a hot brick and go to her.
You deserve better. All you have do do now is convince YOURSELF of that fact and find somewhere else to live (or chuck him out).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2017): How come you don't feel you can ask why he is not sexual towards you ?? And Stop giving him what he wants if you get nothing ....why move in if no sex is now a deal breaker! ! But don't stay with someone just cause you don't want to be single ..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2017): Considering his age probably he suffers from erectile dysfunction.
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A
female
reader, jane88 +, writes (30 April 2017):
jane88 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much. You have confirmed what I know in my heart to be the right thing to do..
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (30 April 2017):
 You may have to ask yourself why you're in this relationship and what keeps you there when there's no significant intimacy? Evidently his attention is drawn elsewhere while you supply him with... company, cooking and cleaning? This doesn't sound right or fair.
I understand why you snooped as this is too bizarre not to investigate. Yet are there other health conditions that may contribute to his or your lack of in-depth intimacy? If not then there is an emotional blockage that prevents him from connecting with you; the other woman!? Which makes it all too crowded.
Sadly it maybe time to break up but that doesn't mean you can't love him from a distance and move on with your life. Scary as this might be it's better than being a substitute, a fill in partner, which is my impression from him.
Plus all you need to say is, it's not working out between you and him, which is the truth without revealing the evidence you found.
Take Care - CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2017): What are his values surrounding sex? Have you two discussed this frankly? Is it something he values, and if so, under what circumstances would he feel comfortable expressing his sexuality? (Keep yourself out of the discussion until you can get a picture of where he is morally & emotionally.)
Focus on building trust in your relationship first; that means being honest & a bit vulnerable with how his actions/words affect you. The problems will get much easier to solve after that. If he didn't want to be with you, he would just tell you and soon move out. But he's still with you through all this.
Also, it sounds like your self-esteem was wounded by something in the past, and this affects your belief in being worthy to receive & give love. Do you need sex to feel loved? Do you think he's the only one you can fall in love with? Have you been perfect in all your sexual relationships? ...The answer to all these is, of course, "No". No human can honestly say yes to all those questions.
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