A
female
age
51-59,
*ksparkle
writes:Hi there, im all new to this!I met my now husband 2yrs ago, we married year after we meet. We did get on well, but very quickly i found we hav nothin to talk about, we can go a whole evening without so much of an exchange of a single word, we dont like the same music or food or places to visit, we dont share any interests at all. We havnt had sex for over a year, we dont even sleep in the same room, i just can't stand sleepin in same bed wiv someone who moves, i like 2b very warm in bed and he likes to be cooler.Gettin back to the lack of sex that is my choice i just dont feel sexy in the slightest, i hav put some weight on and just feel fat and horrible, hav lost a bit and im exercising when again I've read is meant to boost your libido but i just feel so exhausted i hav bath and get my pajamas on and go to sleep. I hav bought loads of 'sexy underwear' but to b honest i hav tried it on and feel like an idiot in it, its meant to make you feel sexy but it didn't in the slightest.I just dont like sex and i can't pretend i like something if i dont, its like my husband hates marmite ,i hate sex, it would be like him tryin to make himself like marmite when really he hates it. We went to a councillor once and i didn't feel that helped at all, just not really sure how i feel about everything.He is a very good man and i know that no one else would love me and look after me the way he does.
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female
reader, Uksparkle +, writes (14 July 2012):
Uksparkle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your replies.Think we had both got so carried away with all the organising of the wedding we had plenty to talk about but when that was over, we dont really talk all that much, just general chit chat.Separate beds in the same room cld be an option, i dont think i cld ever share my bed with anyone, i dont get hardly any sleep as it is, by time i get to bed its getting on for midnight and im up at 5.30-6am and i also wake couple of times in the night so i dont want any disturbance of the sleep i do manage to get, i work 10 hour shifts every day and some weekends.I do have a very low self esteem with regards to my weight, i have put on 3 stone since i have go married. in answer to some questions, i havnt masterbated for years, its just not something i ever feel like i need to do, i think about sex as much as a non smoker wld think about lighting up a cigarette...never! We didnt really have much sex before we married prob once a month. I have been to doctors to get my hormone levels checked as thought this may have something to do with it but they are all normal, so i dont know why i never need it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 July 2012):
 You met a man and a year later you married him.
When did you discover you had nothing to talk about? Was that before or after the marriage?
My partner and I do not like the same music but I listen to his. We don’t like the same foods (I prefer fruits and veggies he prefers meat and potatoes)…somehow we function… He hates museums I love them. The ONLY thing we have in common is board gaming… and yet we manage to function….
IF you met him two years ago and married a year later and haven’t had sex in over a year, it sounds to me like you’ve not had sex since you got married…. Is that correct?
Everyone moves in their sleep… the other night apparently I was dreaming of DDR and my legs were moving and kicking him so badly my fiancé left our bed for the couch… If this is your first time married, it sounds like adjustments need to be made to what you expect… what about separate beds in the same room?
I’m tired at night too. I don’t want sex at night. I want it in the mornings…. Have you considered changing the time you have relations? No where is it written you must have sex and sleep in the same bed at night…
I think that a tank top and boxers are sexy and feel so silly in the outfits my fiancé prefers… have you asked your husband what he thinks is sexy… you may find he prefers you in something you also find comfortable. Do not try to be something you are not…
IF you don’t’ like sex, well then you don’t like it but being married is an unwritten contract that you will be sexual with your partner…
Is there any part of sex you like?
Do you like orgasms? Do you masturbate? Perhaps you need a medical work up to make sure that your hormone levels are appropriate… you are of the age that is Peri-menopausal and that could affect your libido…
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 July 2012):
 These are your words "very quickly i found we hav nothin to talk about" - so if this happend "very quickly" and you married after being together a year, why did you marry him knowing you had nothing in common?
At the end of the day you chose to marry him, no-one forced you and you knew that you had nothing in common. You have now put on weight and dont feel very happy with your body. Did you like sex before you put on weight? Or have you never enjoyed sex with any partner in the past?
If you have never liked sex and never want to have sex again, then you should have made this clear to your partner before you married him so he had the choice to decide whether he is happy with a sexless marriage or not.
I think perhaps you should go for some counselling alone before you try couples counselling, and try and stick with it for more than 1 session as it can take a while to really start to feel the benefit. You said yourself you dont know how you feel, so you need to talk to someone in depth to figure out exactly how you feel.
You need to find out why you actually married this man if you have nothing in common, you need to find out why your interest in sex is at an all time low (this could be something medical), and you need to figure out what you want to do next.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (13 July 2012):
 How is your husband handling this arrangement of sleeping in seperate beds, being in a sexless marriage. You have very low self esteem. But I'm glad you are finally making so changes to lose the weight because it's affecting your self esteem and how you see yourself (has being undeserving of romance or sex because of your weight). This arrangement cannot be healthy for either of you and frankly I'm surprised your man has bothered to stick around. Stay on the path your are on, to lose the weight. Alot of your outlook will change once your body image changes. As far as your marriage goes, you may need couples therapy to rebuild some intimacy. Or you may simply decide that you really don't belong together. Cross the bridge carefully. You may find you are happier once you lose weight so don't rush into divorce. Your husband has stuck around, God only knows why.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): why did you marry him then?? are you really surprised that you're unhappy if you married someone you have nothing in common with AND by making the commitment you're blocking off all options to ever find someone more compatible?
or is it the case that you married too quickly when you didn't really know each other that well, then now that more time has past and you know each other better, you're not happy with what you've discovered? if this is the case, well, all I can say is that your marriage was a mistake so better to correct that mistake by getting divorced since you can't change your basic personality or his.
if you are so incompatible that you don't enjoy being around him and I'm sure he wouldn't enjoy being around you either, don't stay married just because he 'takes care' of you and you think you can't find someone else to do that. That would be very selfish of you, basically you are using him while not really providing much of a relationship back. I suppose if he's OK with living in this sort of marriage then you can both go on for quite awhile like this. But what happens if some day either one of you happens to meet someone who IS compatible and that you're attracted to? you wouldn't be able to do anything about it because you've tied yourself down to someone else whom you don't really like being around.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (12 July 2012):
 I am not sure of your question or what type of advice you want. I question why you married a man with whom you share no common interests.
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