A
male
age
41-50,
*edderz
writes:I've just found out from my girlfriend's brother in-law that she deceived me again.To cut a long story short, she's lied to me a few times on about where she's been and other different things. I met up with my girlfriends brother in-law to talk about the complicated situation I'm in. She has 2 kids and so have I from previous relationships. We've been together for 15mths and she's 8 years younger than me at 28.She asked me for some space a few weeks back which I respected her time to think things through. She had to go away with work for a week and then she decided to go on holiday for a week by herself. When she returned she said that she wanted to work things out because she loves me. I told her no more lies as trust is important in a relationship. On Tuesday this week she told me that she stayed at her sisters/brother in-laws house on Monday night but have now found out she didn't actually go and stayed elsewhere. I'm getting worried and my suspicions are growing. I've noticed behaviour changes in her and I strongly suspect she's seeing someone behind my back. She seems to be discreet when messaging on her Blackberry.What can I do and how can I ask her to tell me the truth? There are children involved and I really don't want to end the relationship because I love her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Do not allow her to use the childrens friendship as a reason to dump her kids on you if she gets off with anyone. Something about you is either far too soft or you yourself get off on being treated bad. You need to put a stop to it otherwise you will get used all your life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): You will not be letting kids down, SHE is the one letting them down, by being a failure of a normal living woman.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): If you dont do something about this, then you will get walked on for the rest of your life. I am not convinced that you do not enjoy being mistreated either.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (21 August 2012):
This is cut and dry. She will not change - you need to move on before you invest anymore emotional or physical capital into this woman. Let her be someone else's problem.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2012): It is simple. There is nothing complicated. You say goodbye.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2012): The problem with you is that you are not only allowing, but you are also setting yourself up for abuse as if you want it to happen. No holiday in the world will change that woman or change the situation. The only think likely to happen is that she gets even worse. She may do it under your nose next time, yet you will still be there waiting for her like a fool. It is likely to make you even more masochistic if you go on that holiday. You need to break out of this cycle before you start to think her behaviour is normal.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): When she didnt turn up to explain, where do you think she was? This is Jeremy Kyle style shit. For you its the cuckold way or the highway. No in between and no holiday in the world will change it. It is you, her and her many lovers. You are her babysitter so know your place.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): I have read your replies with interest. I believe that you may be in denial or simply fighting feelings of cuckoldry.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): you are setting yourself up by going on holiday. you are probably going because you want to be near her, not because of the kids, so dont fool yourself into thinking different. you can be as nice and forgiving as you want but it will not stop her sleeping with a waiter. i quite honestly think you enjoy it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2012): if you really wanted out of the relationship you would not go anywhere near her, let alone on holiday. you must enjoy it. that is all i can think.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): What are you going to do if she find`s herself in the arms (and bed) of a man she meets on holiday? Will you offer to mind her children? Of course, she won`t tell you the truth, she will tell you that she`s on a girls night, come back the following morning claiming the love bite/icky is a burn she got off a kebab. I think it is true what they say "there is one born every minute".
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male
reader, pedderz +, writes (8 August 2012):
pedderz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd so, after a huge argument with her last week where I got things of my chest and pointed out the way I've been treated, I summoned her to explain all the next day. She didn't turn up.
So, I ignored her calls and texts for 3 days and met her on Monday. She put it straight that she'd fallen out of love but wanted to fall back in love with me and be with me. The question still stood on her loyalty, trust and commitment.
This morning I brought it up and she went all defensive and in the end she decided to call it a day when I said this wasn't going to work. Trust is the major problem and she doesn't see it from my point of view. She's picking up her things during the weekend and I've got my keys back. It was harsh but I couldn't see anything being resolved.
Anyway, with a joint holiday approaching in under 2 weeks with her children and mine, I've said that I will seek alternative accommodation although she still feels I can stay at the apartment she has booked for us all.
I seriously can't do it. I will take my kids away and stay elsewhere. It will be hard explaining to my 2 why the plans have changed. Her children will also find it extremely difficult and I don't know why she just doesn't realise the hurt she will cause because of a trust issue.
I don't think she's hurt but I know I'll have trouble dealing with it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): i am not totally convinced that there may not be a bit of enjoyment on your behalf. it is common to feel turned on thinking about your partner with someone else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): Dont allow people to walk all over you. As you are now seeing, there are some that will take advantage of someone like you who is soft natured.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): She does not love you anywhere near as much as you love her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): You are going to ask her questions knowing she tells lies. It`s easy to see what she really WANTS without asking her anything. She WANTS her own way. Listening to answers you know full well are based on bull crap is simply going around in circles. She wont tell you anything that makes sense anyway because she simply does not want you to know anything. It is looking like your life with her will be far more unpleasant than the temporary set back of leaving her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2012): you need to be a man and get rid. she`s making a joke of you. she is disrespecting you to the maximum, its not like she is the only girl in the world. know what i mean?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2012): I have been in HER situation before. Basically what is easy, is the fact that you are likely to make yourself believe anything she tells you through fear of having to do something about it, should you be seen as knowing. She could have her situation with you under control for years, or at least until falling for one of her affairs. She does not love you, she may believes she does, but the likeliest is that no one at present will give her commitment except you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): Has it not occured to you that cheating and lying may be giving her an addictive high? Unless the thought of her with someone else turns you on too, then I find it difficult to believe you wont dump her.
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male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (19 July 2012):
 If you want to live the rest of your life with peace of mind, you are going to have to get out of that relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): I hope you do realize that there`s a lot more women in the world. Not all of them will behave and treat you the same as she does. Just a thought.......
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): The truth is very easy to work out. She wants to cheat and lie to you. This is not a reflection on you and it does not mean that you are not good enough. She does what she wants simply because she wants to and can. Lump it or leave it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): have you ever considered an open relationship?
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female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (17 July 2012):
You have already put your cards on the table. She had already agreed to stop telling lies (remember). If you dont want to walk, then the best thing you can do is accept you have got to share her and embrace it. You either walk, or you share her. There is no in between.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): From what I am reading, it appears you know who she is and what she stands for. You can ask her or tell her what you want. It will change nothing. You are not going to end it. In 5 years you will be asking the same questions.
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (16 July 2012):
I have been in your shoes. I had suspicions over a period of many months, even years, before I came across irrefutable proof that my ex-wife was lying and cheating. My first reaction was almost exactly like yours. I wanted to confront her. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why she acted as she did, and to try to make sense of it and get some closure. I knew in my mind I was done with the relationship, but I wanted to understand why things went so badly.
I wish I had something besides what I'm going to say, but here it goes - your girlfriend is almost certain to lie to you if/when you confront her. She will probably deny everything, and possibly even turn things around on you (claiming you are invading her privacy, snooping, etc.) If she admits to cheating she may attempt to blame you, in the form of lack of attention or whatever. I'm just preparing you for the likelihood that you won't get the info you seek, nor the closure that helps make sense of things.
The ultimate truth here is that cheaters will do and say anything, with no guilt, to get what they want. They are selfish. Your girlfriend does not consider you or your feelings, and your love for her doesn't matter. She's willing to throw it all away for cheap thrills. If you come to embrace that concept then confronting her really won't matter, as you'll know there is nothing to be gained from doing it.
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male
reader, pedderz +, writes (16 July 2012):
pedderz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I've had a think about this all over the last few days. Her behaviour hasn't improved to the someone that supposedly said to me "wants to be with me because she loves me" 2 weeks ago.
My suspicions all the greater right now as a set of keys I found in her draw last week disappeared this morning when she left for work. Apparently she's meeting up with work friends tonight and may stay over at her female friends house. Well I don't think her friend would have given her a set of keys so this one I will keep for D day.
It does hurt but I'm going to wait until the weekend when we're supposed to be spending both days together.
I will lay my cards on the table, look her in the eye and tell her exactly who I am, what I'm willing to give, my commitment, the love I have for her, the plans we're supposedly meant to be making for when her daughter moves in... then ask what she feels and what she wants, the confusion. Once I've got this I will then proceed to gaining answers out of her based on:
- I know you didn't stay at your sisters house, where did you stay?
- Your weeks holiday you let slip "we" and rephrased it "I" in the next sentence. Why?
- The keys, who's are they? For what and why did you take them?
- Who's regularly sending you a morning BBM/txt?
- Why are you so discreet about sending txts now?
- Where's the "I love you's" you used to regularly say?
It may be a waste of time but I need to know all the above and see her reaction. I had said that I wouldn't walk but I can't see this carrying on with her behaviour. Very nice girl with a good heart but trust, loyalty and fidelity are the qualities of a good relationship, and this slipped in the last few months.
As for the holiday, I'll be taking my children as planned but get accommodation elsewhere as I don't want to disappoint them. Their mother has been a nightmare with me since our split over 2 years ago and I'm not going to let her gain an advantage over this. It will be hard, sad and difficult but I'm being positive rather than getting upset about it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): It could be that you are just "too" nice. Try not being and she might respect you a bit more then.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2012): Stop making excuses for her, "her family have said that she seems to be scared of commitment" Well she seems fairly committed to lying, cheating and making a sap out of you. What it sounds like is that she has a habit of treating people who are good to her like shit. The more excuses you make, the more fool you. At least you are sparing someone else from getting the shit.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2012): Sorry to hear about your situation. It seems by the reply you have given to your own question that you will find any reason you can to avoid leaving her. If that is so, then no one can help you. No one will advise you to stay with that type of person. Enjoy.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2012): asking her to tell the truth? you really mean make a confession. why do you need one? you sound like you are willing to let her make a willy out of you, so save your ears from the gory details. you must enjoy it, thats all i can say.
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female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (14 July 2012):
The anonymous males detailed reply is the whole truth of it. You will be playing "happy families" yet you will be stewing beneath the surface. It is not a good idea to be going on vacation with her, it`s not a good idea to be going anywhere with her. Forget her issues, walk away and put your time and energy into someone more deserving.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2012): "I've been lied to again but don't know how to confront her..."No point in confronting her with her latest lie. You told her no more lies and now you have irrefutable proof from an unimpeachable source that she's lied to you yet again, so obviously she's hiding something and at the very least you know she has given you legitimate reason not to trust her. "I should walk but there's more to it than just her and me."There isn't more to it than just you and her. Her kids aren't your kids and if they aren't living with her then presumably they're living with their father(s). Even if they're not living with him, absent a marriage certificate you are a legal stranger to them and there's nothing preventing her from barring you from seeing them at any time as you have no parental rights or authority, implied or otherwise. For God's sake, you've only been together a little more than a year; kids are tough resilient and adaptable; and they've already suffered when their homes being broken up after their parents split up, those effects are far more severe and long-lasting than the sudden disappearance of an "aunt" or "uncle" and "cousins" who were virtual strangers to them anyway and will be quickly forgotten. Regardless of your kids' relationship with her kids, very unfair for you to put your kids in difficult position of taking them on overseas trip with the woman with whom you're with under the guise of "family" holiday, especially when your relationship is in death spiral mode; again, they're is no legal relationship between your girlfriend and your kids, and if I was your baby mama(s) I'd be objecting loudly and strenuously to the idea of my kids being under the implied care or supervision of someone with such questionable morals and judgement for two weeks while in a foreign country. ". . .how can I ask her to tell me the truth?"Doesn't matter how you ask, nothing you can do to compel her to tell you the truth; even if you confront her with her brother-in-law's statement, she'll likely invent another lame BS cover story on the spot. "There are children involved and I really don't want to end the relationship because I love her."Unfortunately, it appears that she doesn't love you and is playing you for the sap she thinks you are because you are behaving like one. You may not want to end the relationship because you "love her" but this time you have to stick to your guns and dump her for the simple and obvious reason that you can no longer trust her; as you say in your own words "trust is important in a relationship," and she has irrevocably breached your trust. You've already given her a second chance, if you let her get away with it again then she will walk all over you while making your life a sheer unmitigated hell on earth. It would be very unfair of you to continue to expose YOUR kids to her toxic influence, you are already condoning shacking up without marriage and by staying with her then you would be in effect teaching your children that trust and fidelity are optional and not required within the confines of a committed relationship. Not the example you should be setting for them at such a young age. Cancel overseas trip now and plan alternative holiday with just you and your children. If you are foolish enough not to have dumped girlfriend in a month, then you should not be exposing the kids to the drama between their parents in close quarters in a foreign country with no safe refuge or trusted neutral adults available to them as escape. As things stand, going through with planned holiday likely to cause far more lasting psychological trauma than calling it off.
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male
reader, pedderz +, writes (13 July 2012):
pedderz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate everyone's replies and yes it doesn't bode well. The situation isn't good.We've a 2 week overseas holiday booked in a months time and taking all 4 children with us. Her children have had a rough time as they don't live with her and I love and get on with them really well and my kids are also close to them. My girlfriends brother in law said that I should still go no matter what happens but I'm unsure that I should. It will break their hearts if I call it off although if she plays the lying game, it will be on my mind for the whole holiday and it will affect the kids.I have said that I won't walk away as she's had issues in the past, but her family have said that she seems to be scared of commitment and as soon as someone loves her, she runs away.I should walk but there's more to it than just her and me.
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female
reader, bama_mobile +, writes (13 July 2012):
 It`s no use asking her anything. There are children involved and you love her, but it will not change anything. It is not what you want to do, but get out now before you fall in deeper.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): The only positive thing to come out of this would be to give her all the space she needs. I agree with what someone wrote: She has been somewhere and it did not work out.
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female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (13 July 2012):
Overall it is not looking very good. You love her, but i think you need to love yourself a bit more. This type of behavior will wear you down and slowly turn you into a paranoid wreck. I think you will be far better off without her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): -A week away with work.-Then a holiday by herself.-Lying about where she's been staying.-Strange behaviour.-Discreetly texting. She still says she loves and wants to be with you despite all this?if YOU know in your gut that there's something wrong but you think she'll deny it when you confront her about it then yes... I'd say that's all you need to know.And it all sounds fishy to me too.Maybe you should sit her down and tell her how you feel, and what you propose to do about it if she admits to anything and if she doesn't but you still feel she's lying. You obviously can't go on like this, and even though you said you don't want to split because there's kids involved, by the sound of it you will be happier apart.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): The problem you have is that confronting her wont make any difference. If she lies and decieves you, you wont ever be able to believe her 100% anyhow. I know you dont want to break up with this person, and by trying to get answers you dont want to hear will not better your situation. I see no other option then you making an exit. Thats unless you want to stay with someone who treats you horribly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): Grow some balls and tell her you know she is a liar. If you dont leave her you are in for a life of hell. She knows you are a soft touch.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 July 2012):
 I think the only thing you can do is just ask her what is going on. Be truthful and say you know she did not stay with her sister and unless something is going on there is no reason for her not to tell you where she was.
It's really hard to face when someone lies to your, especially when you love that person but it's 'cards on the table' time.
Perhaps you should offer her an option to end things to see if she takes it up...rough, I know but at least you will get to the truth and if she says no, then at least it will put you on an even footing to see if anything can be salvaged.
Be calm, direct and tell her you need complete honesty or you may have to consider your future without her.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 July 2012):
 Well the next time you see her you can say “Hey I saw your BIL the other night and when I asked him how the visit with you went he was clueless that you had been there… coupled with other changes I’ve seen, dear, such as your behavior changes and other things, I am wondering if everything is ok with us?”
I will often ask my partner for a check… the question “ HOW ARE WE?” is asking if our emotional health as a couple is an issue for him… his response is usually “WE are fine”
It’s different from “how are you?” which is checking on HIM...
He can be lousy and WE can be fine... or vice versa... a couple's emotional health as a couple has a lifeblood of it's own...
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (13 July 2012):
I'm sorry to have to give you this advice, but the best thing you can do is get out now, before things get any worse. She's lying about here whereabouts and sleeping over who knows where? She asked for space then went on holiday for a week?There is another man. These are classic signs that a woman gives when she's involved with someone and attempting to cover it up.I understand that you love her, but you cannot trust her. Unless you accept that she's cheating and are OK with that, then you do need to end the relationship. I divorced my ex-wife for the exact same reasons, and yes there was a child involved in my situation as well. It isn't easy, but what this woman is doing to you isn't fair, or right, either... and there's just no way to "make" her be a good, caring, honest person. She is who she is.Best of luck!
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male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (13 July 2012):
You don`t really need it spelling out for you, do you? It sounds more like, when she returned, she wanted things between you to work out, because wherever she was, did not work out. You know she`s a liar, so if she did tell you the truth, you would`nt even know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): I strongly believe asking you for space meant you putting yourself on hold for chances something didnt work out for her. It is your choice whether or not you continue with her.
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