A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Alright. I feel that the more details I provide, the better my situation will be understood. So, this will probably be quite lengthy and I thank in advance anyone who takes the time to read it. So, I met this girl when I was 19 and we soon started a relationship that lasted until I was 22. She went off to college and I got scared. My previous girlfriend had become a heavy partier when she went to college and decided that I was not what she needed in her life anymore. Naturally, this girl took my insecurity as me making comparisons, which of course, women do not like. She finally had enough and kicked me to the curb. It was too painful for me to remain in contact with her, so we didn't talk for about a year or so. We finally got back in touch, but she had a boyfriend and little interest in me. However, we were friendly and chatted on AIM from time to time. After about a year of this, I decided to join the Air Force. My life was going nowhere fast and I needed some direction. About a month from my ship date, I got an e-mail from her on Facebook. She had claimed to be cleaning out her mailbox and found a couple of poems that I had written her while we were together and sent them back to me saying how beautiful she though they were. Of course, at this point, I was still as in love with her as I'd ever been and I took this a sign that she was regaining some feelings. Coincidentally, she was to come home from college for spring break I guess it was. We got together and had coffee for about 4 hours and had such great conversation. She said it felt like we just picked up right where we left off as if there had never been a rift between us at all. We hung out several more times while she was home; usually with mutual friends, but sometimes just the two of us. Each time, she seemed to become more and more flirty and touchy-feely. I couldn't believe it was happening. Finally, with great reluctance, I told her that I felt something was rekindling between us, but I was to leave for basic and we didn't have any time to nurture this flame. She agreed with my assessment. Apparently, this wasn't enough to cool our hearts. We ignored our inhibitions and one thing led to another. She finally headed back to school and I was a week away from basic. We talked on the phone everyday and it felt just like old times. I felt like I had been born again. After 6 1/2 weeks of no contact in basic, she still seemed excited as ever when we were finally able to talk again. I went to tech school and told her that she would be able to come visit me soon. She seemed very into the idea and then one day, she wasn't. It suddenly became increasingly difficult to get ahold of her or get any response from her in any capacity. We spoke every once in a while, but it wasn't the same. Something had changed within her. I decided to fly out to see her for Thanksgiving. I thought maybe if we were able to actually see each other, her feelings would come back. It was probably the worst weekend of my life. It was at this point that she said she just wanted to be friends. I was heartbroken and stuck. I was visibly in pain and she couldn't seem to understand why and took it as me being unable to be happy with her. I flew back to tech school. I emailed when I got back apologizing for how I had acted, but also explaining why I had acted that way. She never responded. We went back to talking sparingly for the next two years. I became aware that she had gotten engaged and I pretended to be happy for her when she told me. Thank goodness it was an AIM conversation. I wouldn't have been able to hide the pain otherwise. I tried to move on and dated some. I even thought I loved one woman. When it came down to it, I just couldn't forget. Well, lo and behold, about six months ago, we began talking more. She frequently tells me about dates she's been on and guys she's been in relationships with and how she has such bad taste in men, with myself being the only exception of course. I take this as a positive sign, but she'll then say something about how she's just gonna go it alone because she can't find a good guy and I'm immediately deflated. We often talk about visiting one another when either she has enough money to come here, or I get leave and go there. We live on opposite ends of the country. She asked me to be her date at her sister's wedding. I couldn't go, because there was not enough notice for me to get leave. I tell her about my accomplishments and things and she always seems enthusiastically happy for me. She asks me what my future plans are (my enlistment is up in a year.) It's almost as if she's trying to figure out if at least logistically, we could make something happen. But, of couse, I'm scared to death to let myself hope too much. I know that her intentions are not malicious. She is way too sweet to do that. If she thought she was leading me on or gicing me false hope, she would sooner not talk to me at all, as she has demonstrated in the past. Haha. As far as who initiates these conversations, it's usually me, but if i wait long enough, she'll send me a text asking what's up. She just graduated from nursing school, so I know she has been very busy. In summary, I've been in love with this woman for the last 8 years of my life; pretty much my whole 20s. Meanwhile, she's been trying to figure out what she wants. I guess my question(s) is/are do I pursue this? Has it been too long? Am I a nutbar for holding on for this long? I apologize for the sheer longwindedness of my story, but it does cover 8 years. Thank you for reading and any advice you may have.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (6 June 2011):
 I like Abella's answer. It's now or NEVER. You must go sweep her off her feet and stop worrying about rejection.
It sounds like there is some true love going on there between the two of you.
I had a bit of a laugh, not at your expense, but at the similarity to Forest Gump. Not saying you are like him, but the way his 'Jenny' comes in and out of his life, well you got yourself an old fashioned love story going on here.
Don't blow it. Go buy a ring and put it on her finger, right now. Not next week.
You will get closure to this one way or another. If she rejects you, you will be able to move on. Depressed? probably. But you'll know that the two of you are not going to be together and you can start to heal.
If that happens, I recommend you don't talk to her again.
Of course, if Abella and I are right... She might hesitate, but she'll be yours.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 June 2011):
 If you do decide to leave the air force, be prepared to find it difficult at first to be a civilian again. I hear stories about that all the time, that it is hard to get used to regular life again where you're free to do whatever you want, and no one tells you when to get up or what to do. There are just too many options, too little structure, and difficult to keep yourself disciplined.
I'm just saying this so that you know, if you do leave the air force, and feel troubled and out of place and feel like things aren't going so well, it is normal to feel like that for a period. And it is only because you're going in between two very different climates.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your inputs! To answer some of your questions, she is NOT engaged anymore. Nor was she with anyone when we got together before I left for basic. chigirl, I definitely see all your points. These are all reasons I'm very carefully trying to read all signs before I make any moves either way. I'm also trying to give myself an equal dose of "there is a good chance that there just isn't anything there and I'm just wearing blinders", because I know it's true. The mind sees what the heart wants it to. The biggest thing here is the distance. I still haven't decided if I'm getting out or reenlisting. I have to make the best out of any leave situation where I get to see her at all and hopefully, I can get in straightened out in the next year.
Anyway, I will try to take heed to all of your advice. And again, thank you all!
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A
female
reader, me81 +, writes (5 June 2011):
 Wow you are really in love... And only our hearts know how we feel when we love someone huh.... Maybe the distance has played a big role in this story, I would say give it time... Maybe when you come back for good you can see what's up there, you said she's engaged? Is she still though? Cuz then she was talking about not been able to find a good guy, so I'm a little confused on that. But anyways, I'm in love as much as you are ha,(he's also in the AF) and he has a new love that just feels my heart with pain... But there's nothing we can do about it, the love we feel will stay in our hearts as long as it have to.... So don't lose communication w her, see what's up, but also try to find your own happiness as well... I know you love her, but it's not fair to you to be waiting, worry and take time to please you. Hope that helps a little :) good luck! Keep us posted!!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 June 2011):
My question to you is: is she single?
It appears from your text that she has not been single once during these 8 years, that's she's been on and off men, and that she was with someone when the two of you got back together again, however briefly. In other words, she cheated.
She's also engaged now. Off the marked. Or is she not engaged any more since she talks about how she can never find a decent guy? She seems to be off and on men at least, and I hope you can clarify what her relationship status was when she flirted with you back then, and her relationship status now when she tells you about how she can never find a good guy, when she sends you poems, and at the moment.
Is she single or taken??
The answer is simple, if she is taken, abort abort abort. No matter how steady your love is for her, if she's jumping back and forth like this, on and off men, engaged then not engaged, flirting with you while in a relationship, her love for you is NOT there. It is not consistent. She wouldn't be able to make you happy even if you were to get back together, because she's flaky and can't make up her mind.
She's not leading you on intentionally you say, but in effect that is what she is doing. And she must be quite gullible if she thinks otherwise. Count up how many women you've been with since her, and count up how many men she's been with since you, and you should see how while you stay ever loving to her, she's just bouncing off the walls, ever so unsure, ever so undecided.
She can't find a nice guy because she doesn't know what she wants, and she wouldn't recognize a nice man even if he dropped on her head... or waited for her for 8 years.
Find room in your heart to love someone else. You're putting her up on a pedestal, admiring her from a distance, instead of looking at the crude reality of things. You love her, fair enough. BUT IS SHE THE KIND OF WOMAN THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY?
If the answer is yes, and you so so deep in your heart that it is her you are meant to be with, give her the ultimatum. Ask her to either marry you, or you must cut the communication lines. At least cut the talk down to a friendly update about how life is going. Excluded all the details as she ought to know you really don't need to hear about all the other men in her life. She's treating you like a girl pal, and not as the man you truly are. If she is not willing to share her life with you as husband and wife, then you must be allowed to move on. You must also allow yourself to move on!
So, ask her one final question. And if the answer is no, you move on to someone else, and settle with the fact that it would NEVER work out, and you NEED to let it go. Hearts can heal, and hearts have room for more than one person.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 June 2011):
 take some strong manly action.
She wants YOU!
Don't pussy foot around any more. Declare your obvious love for this woman and propose marriage. There are clear bonds between the two of you. She has dropped enough hints that she really likes you. Tell her seriously that you want to spend your life with her.
I think she wants you to show her a seriously strong sign that you love her and want to be her hisband
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