A
male
age
30-35,
*ockshredder
writes:Hello everyone. I need quick help with my situation. It might be a little long but your time and attention would be most appreciated.Some background information (I have again and again posted on this site about myself and in my profile too and got great responses):Alright. I moved to USA at the end of February. I was in a committed relation and my 1st love for the last 3.5 years. 15 days after my arrival here, she dumped me with the excuse of my being an unreligious infidal guy. Later I came to know that it was because of another guy and now she is with him. She moved on really quickly and I spent every night in tears and her dreams. She was my life.2 and a half months have passed since that.My current issues: When I came here, my sister in law(SIL) introduced me to one of her friends who is a year older than me and single. My SIL had already told her about me when I was not in USA and she would tell her "My brother is such a nice guy, if he did not have a girlfriend, I would have wished to see you two partners".That girl never showed disagreement or offence on these sentiments of my SIL. She always smiled on this.When the news of my break up spread, she was the one always talking to me and telling me that my ex never deserved me. She added me on facebook herself, started liking my posts and asked me out herself too. Yesterday I went out with her for the 1st time. She had to shop. I gave her company. We had lunch and a drive. I know one thing that "she has never ever went out with a guy except her brother". And barely knowing me for only 2 months, She went out with me.People I am not admiring or praising my character here but I am a guy who has never ever hurt anyone in life for any reason deliberately. And now I know the pain of hurting.So every time I think about this girl, I start to think "What if unconsciously, I might be treating her as a rebound to fill the void". Yes there is a terrible void inside me. I want someone back to love me, adore me for my selflessness and care for me, and genuine now. I never ever want to hurt her. But I do feel that I am involved with her truly. I joke around with her, she beats me softly, pushes me softly, talks to me on phone a lot. I have started to shower my feelings over her as I did on my ex. Like I call her a doll and sweet names and she does not get offended. She says thanks and returns smileys when I do this. But right after I feel threatened I MIGHT GET HURT AGAIN. And then telling myself "No she will never fall for me. I am a loser. I will get hurt again and again and again".Yesterday I honestly told her that I and my ex had sexual relation when we started talking on the topic of sex before marriage and she opposed this idea with the reason that "Guy loses interest in girl due to sex before marriage" and she said to my face that "It is you who got more attracted to your ex after sex. Not everyone is so sincere and loving like you".I know myself. If she falls in love with me, no power of the world will make me go away from her. But now after the pain I have gone through, I want the girl to fall for me, not me.Can someone please tell me from experience if she will fall for me? Is there a way I could guess if she is just treating me as a friend or there is something else going on in her heart. I have a job and I am more confident in life than ever :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (13 May 2011):
 aunt honesty could not be more right here!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 No if she rejects you it does not mean that you ae good for nothing, as you said you are now a confident young man you should not be feeling worthless at the end of the day everyone gets rejected in life, it might not be that there is something wrong with you it is just the girl is in a different place to you.Ok so you have been dropping off hints and she has said at the moment you are both just friends, so I would say that she has picked up on these hints but she is not wanting anything serious at the moment, this could be possibly because she knows you are not long out of a relationship and I guess taking things slow is a good thing sometimes.If you are not feeling confident enough to ask her at the moment, well then just keep doing what you are doing now, shower her with compliments, make her feel special and unique and just ask her out on a few more dates. See how it goes keep it light for now until you feel a connection between the both of you and the both of you get to know each other more.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (12 May 2011):
It would be nice to have a magic 8 ball to predict the outcome of these things. Too bad one does not exist. If you are going to start dating again, be honest with yourself and consider the following things. You may avoid some trouble. - are you prepared? Sure you can date but that does not mean you are ready for a serious relationship. Setting boundaries with people is a very smart idea. - TMI? Pouring out your heart to someone and being too forthcoming is sometimes a bad idea. This notion of "I have nothing to hide so ask away" is nonsense and you are just asking for trouble by not setting boundaries in the initial part of the relationship. There is no context to you talking about your past relationships or sexual history when this person has not seen for herself what kind of a person you are by being around you for a while. - Guard your heart and your information. She has no right to your feelings nor does she have a right to your information. These things are yours to give, so be discerning about it. Saying you are not prepared to commit to a relationship at this time or you are not comfortable in discussing certain things at this time is not dishonesty or sneakiness. People who are at best terribly insecure or at worst manipulative will play the emotional blackmail card to get you to do things you don't want to do at the time and discuss things you do not wish to discuss at the time. - Promises? Be careful of what you say in the moment because it could affect the rest of your life. - Don't date if you are afraid of getting hurt. In my experience, this generation is fixated with entertainment and instant gratification; therefore, you should maintain a reasonable expectation that once the novelty you provide ceases you could be on the trash heap - and no reason is required. That is why the onus of guarding our heats and feelings falls upon us. If I were you I would evaluate her motivations. Sure that sounds conspiratorial but to me she is accumulating far more information about you than you would probably wish her to accumulate, given the nature of your relationship. The flattering comments she throws your way while indirectly bashing your exes, in my observations and experience, are something to be concerned about because it shows an abandonment of perspective. From what I have seen, such people only see things as they wish to see them and not for as they are. While you are now riding the positive wave with this girl, when it turns sour do not expect her to be reasonable. Be careful and good luck
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A
male
reader, rockshredder +, writes (12 May 2011):
rockshredder is verified as being by the original poster of the question I am the one who posted this. I most of the time think about this. Yeah if that happens I will tell her that she hurt me a lot and there is no way we are going to be together now.I have tried to tell her this not directly but as hints and she said "We are just friends right now. I know you give me a lot of care." What does that mean?I DO HAVE SOMETHING TO LOSE. If she rejects me, it will be proved inside me that I am good for nothing cause I will be rejected 3rd time in life. It will be quite enough for mw. I just don't know what is the correct time. After 2 or 3 more dates? What do you think????
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (12 May 2011):
Well I am glad to hear that you are confident and in a good place at the moment. But am afraid there is no way of making someone fall for you. It does sound to me like she does think highly of you though which is a great start. I understand your worries that she might be a rebound to you. But you need to ask yourself if you are ready to move on from your ex. Put yourself in this case. If you and this girl started dating today and in two weeks time your ex moved to USA and said she had moved over to be with you and that she loves you and made a huge mistake, what would you do? You need to answer that question truthfully. I guess if you feel like you are ready to move on and you really like this girl well then I think that you should tell her, as you said you are in a good place right now and you are confident so just tell her that you really like her and ask her would she like to go out with you. You have nothing to lose and you will know where you stand. Goodluck.
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