A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife is only open to having sex once between day 5 and 8 of her cycle. Everything has to be perfect. The house has to be empty. We have three teenagers that are in and out of our house constantly so that doesn’t happen very often. It can’t be before 9AM or after 9PM. I have to shave so close that my face hurts. I can’t have bad breath but I have to rinse thoroughly because my breath can’t smell like toothpaste. I have to shower immediately before. When she is ready she spreads her legs and tells me to hurry because she has laundry and other chores to do. I am only allowed to touch her vagina with my penis. This magic moment is the only time she is willing to kiss me. I am not allowed to touch her the rest of the month, other than for massages. Our whole 20 year marriage she keeps telling me it will get better, but it keeps getting worse. Since I am now 45 I have been having trouble getting an erection. I think it is because I am so angry by the time she is willing I can’t get it up. She says “I don’t know how I can be more willing. I’m laying here naked with my legs spread.” Is there any hope for things to get better?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): That's how my wife acted before she started using bioidentical hormone replacement therapy. Now she is as affectionate as when we were first dating. Try to get her to have hormone levels checked.
A
female
reader, rocc  +, writes (13 May 2011):
Your wife may be over working. She thinks of work at home all the time, thats why probably sex is another extra work for her. Sort your house out with cleaners, or share half her work, get her to relax probably go on a holiday etc. May be being a mom of three teen agers is a lot of work.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 May 2011):
 Yes she needs counselling to find out why she has to be so controlling about sex.What you could try in the meantime is to negotiate for some time to have sex in the way that suits you best. Many women find they can't relax unless everything is "perfect". Maybe it's the message that the movies and books give out, maybe it's to do with repression of female sexuality or religion. Who knows, a counselor will help her find that out. Marriage should be based on compromise, she gets to demand the type of sex she wants, you should be given a chance to have your desires met. Next time she asks if she's not giving you enough, say no, state what you want and ask that you have sex that way at least once a month. It's difficult to stay faithful and married in a situation like your one.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 May 2011):
 Not without some professional help. It sounds pretty bleak to me. Amazing that you have tolerated this for 20 years; she must think you are okay with it as you are still there.You're 45? You've got a great many years ahead of you.Why don't you make an appointment with a couples counselor and ask that she join you. If she doesn't go, you go anyway. Then you can begin to figure out what your next steps are.She clearly dislikes sex or has some sort of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Why is what you have to figure out if she's willing to give the counseling a try. If she's not willing, well then you have your answer, the status quo will not change overnight. I don't foresee a sexual awakening in a woman who thinks that lying there with spread legs is the sum total of her required participation. You're going to have to be the change agent, as you are the one who is unhappy. Oh, she may be unhappy too but she's figured out that you will tolerate her restrictions. At least you have so far.That's a tough road you have ahead of you, but can you see yourself going through this for another 20 years or more? Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 If she has been like this for the entire marriage without any change well then things arent going to start changing now. You both need to get to the bottom of her issues. I'm not surprised that you are starting to lose your erections. This is not normal behaviour. She doesnt want to be close to you in anyway at all and you must feel very unloved. There is obviously an underlying issue here as to why she behaves this way. Was she ever sexually abused when she was younger? Its obvious she is not willing to have you close to her at all. Could it be possible that she felt trapped in to marrying you and doesnt actually want to be in this marriage?
I think the only thing that is going to help the both of you here is marriage councelling. There could be many reasons why she is like this, but it is not normal behaviour in a marriage and you both need to seek proffesional help if you want it to work. Good luck.
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