A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been cautioned for assault!!!!and I am terrified!!I need to add some background. I am 52 and my fiancee of 3 years is 46( we have been together for 3.5 years). WE have had problems before that I have sought advice on here about before. She has drink problems that she admits to, that in itself has been the root cause of serious arguments. She changes after 4 or 5 double vodkas, and i have insisted that when I see this change that there will be no more drinking. AS I did yesterday evening. The expected followed. A heated argument started by her, during which she slagged off my friends and indeed myself. She gets very abusive, sometimes pushing me and breaking things.When this has happened before I have recognised the dangerous situation developing and have either stayed at a hotel for the night or even slept at my office.Last night I was preparing supper when she started with the verbals and kept prodding me in the back. As a reaction....and I stress NOT a deliberate action.... I swung round and slapped her face. She went upstairs. 15 minutes later I answered the door to the POLICE. She had reported me for assault. I have spent a very cold worrying night in a police cell and have ended up with a caution. ( The police believed that I SLAPPED her and not hit her with my FIST as she has told the police.) NOW I KNOW THAT THERE CAN BE NO EXCUSE FOR ANY VIOLENCE... that is why I have walked away before.It would seem that she had telephoned my daughter at 1.30 this morning saying that she was worried about me and wondered how and where I was. She then telephoned her at 9.00 am and told my daughter what happened, a very exaggerated version. Claims that I had knocked her to the floor and threatened all sorts!!!.What on earth do I do???????PLease offer advice, my head is everywhere at the moment.Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): Dear poster
you really have got yourself in a pickle!
you KNOW this will happen AGAIN, how you deal with it next time???
your kids are now involved, now if this was someone asking YOU this question, how would you advise THEM?
YOU know the answer it's just hard to admit and follow through.
Hope you come to the right conclusion for ALL your sakes!
Take care & Merry Xmas
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your advice and support. I have spent a quiet night at a hotel alone with my thoughts. I have spoken to my younger son (20) and my daughter (28)who have both been very supportive. I don't feel quite the tyrant that I did yesterday!Having reflected and gone through the events leading to my outburst, the one line that "flipped" me into reaction was her saying that she did not HAVE to cook dinner for my son the previous evening and that she COULD have been out partying with friends. ( By way of explanation my son is at university but stays at a flat that I keep for him and his brother during holiday times. I don't get to see much of him. When I had suggested that we invite him round one evening for dinner she agreed, no suggested, to cook and for him to spend the evening with us.... and we all had a good evening)At no time previously had she mentioned the possibility of partying with friends, which is exactly what I had said to her. It was her ensuing barrage of language that caused me to react. I do feel very remorseful about my reaction.Her outbursts do sometimes coincide with the time leading up to her period, but I have learned to recognise those times and tread carefully!!I have reflected on the content of her statement to the Police ( which they read to me whilst being interviewed at the police station)which for the most part appears quite endearing. She stated that she recognised that maybe I have been under a lot of pressure leading up to the Christmas period for reasons of work and getting improvements finished at home etc....but then did state that she had no real recollection of events after returning home, the wording being " before I knew it I was on the floor". So no recollection of the goading, the line that flipped me,preparation for supper etc..I keep reflecting !! I need to understand my own action as well as hers. But something has to be sorted. At the moment I'm thinking stay at least one more night away before contacting her.( Neither of us has been in contact)My problem with any reconciliation is that If we manage to stay together what if this situation arises again? If I were really cynical she could provoke me until the cows come home in the knowledge that I DARE NOT and MUST NOT react. So difficult especially at this time of year. We had so much planned.I will keep thinking. Thank you all once again, and if you have any further advice, it would be most welcome.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (21 December 2007):
 this has been a problem for a loong time, she has promised and promised and promised to no avail, there have been no results. if she doesnt love you enough to try she doesnt love you. no matter how much you belive she will change, no matter how much you love her, this situation is only going toget worse and next time it may not just be a slap you give her.
walk away now.
now now now.
YOu cannot help her and she will destroy you. Stop doing this to yourself, stop kidding yourself and get out.
Who knows it may be just the shock she needs and if 6 months down the line she is t-total, then you can try again, but right now you HAVE TO GET OUT.
take care hun, keep us updated xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): i dont think you're the bad person in this situation at all. I think I would have done the same thing, if someone was doing that to me I think I would probably be so frustrated that I would slap them
She's tried getting help
This isnt a happy situation
You need to get out of it.
How can u have a relationship like this?
You need to get out of the relationship and find someone who doesn't wind u up when drunk and doesnt cause this and lie to the police! that could have put your life and your career in jeapordy
you really dont need this hassle
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A
female
reader, Star_07  +, writes (21 December 2007):
 I guess you have to ask yourself if you love this woman. Do you only have problems when she is drunk or do things just escalate when she is drunk? Sometimes drinking brings out true feelings and sometimes its just rage. I would suggest that you seperate from her and advise her to get counseling. Until she cleans up her act, it will be hard for you two to focus on the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): Stay calm, stay cool. It seems she has done it before and knows how to act. It does not seem she want it resolved because she did not drop the charge when police arrived. Prepare yourself for the worst possible scenerio. Get a lawyer now and follow lawyer's advice just in case.
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A
female
reader, Serinity +, writes (21 December 2007):
 You need to leave her. Get out of this situation before you get put in jail and/or she ruins your life. You obviously love her or you would not tolerate her behavior, so it makes it hard to just walk away from the situation, I know, been there. But if you continue letting her treat you that way then you're going to have a disaster on your hands. When you've got a drunk poking and prodding at you, it's hard sometimes to just ignore them. But when you stike back, not only is this a sign that you have been pushed to your limits, but it makes you just as guilty as her (in the laws eyes). If you guys are starting to get physical with eachother, it's just going to get worse. You've already been warned, the next time you won't be so lucky. If she gets physical with you again you should call the police immediately. You now have a record of being physically violent with her. If the police realize that she has a drinking problem and is physical with you, then you have some kind of defense.
I've been through a similar situation with my husband. He is an alcoholic and over the years he became verbally and physically abusive. For four years he was a happy-go-lucky drunk, but then he began to change. It started with him provoking arguments with me so he had an excuse to leave me with our kids and go out with his buddies to drink and do drugs that I forbid him to do. I started becoming bitter and the love that I had from him began to fade away. The arguments became more heated each time and he started pushing and choking me. I began fighting back to protect myself and as a result we had some pretty nasty fights, both hurting eachother. And of course he acted as if it was a joint effort or he would run to his friends and say that I hit him first. Needless to say, I fell out of love with him and finally packed up the kids and left him. I did eventually return after he realized that he had a serious problem and seeked help. He finally realized how important his family was to him and got his sh** together. As a result of the damage he caused in the past, it's hard for me to really trust him and my love for him will never be the same.
What I'm getting at here, is that the same cycle has already begun for you. It gets worse before it gets better. Save yourself from a life of misery and leave her. If she loves you enough, she will get the help she needs. I know it seems easier to stay in the situation and hope that it gets better, but trust me, in the long run you will be relieved if you walk away now. Best wishes and good luck!
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A
female
reader, LULU'S Advice +, writes (21 December 2007):
 I think you really should get proffesional help my love,the drink isn't just her problem,it's every one thats around her as well.It's good that the police believed your version of events as I'm sure your daughter did.If she admits to having a problem then perhaps you could gently push her a bit further along into admitting she needs help.So many alcoholics won't admit to it being a problem,that they can stop whenever they want.If she loved you then she wouldn't want to put you through all this.Did she have a drink problem when you first met?Is there something thats happened that has pushed her to drink,something she hasn't told you about.I really do wish you all the best. xx
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