A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm a single woman in my fifties. I would really like to have a partner, and have had various relationships over the last few years. The problem is that the guys I usually go for are the ones who have a spark of danger about them. And I have got hurt more than once! The last man in my life was the one for me, at least I thought so. But he treated me badly and it took me a long time to get over it when it ended. To be honest, not sure if I am over it, or if I will ever trust a man again. Anyway, I recently met a man who doesnt set my pulses racing, but he is a really nice guy, treats me well, and I do enjoy his company. A part of me thinks I should give it a chance. I want to take time to get to know him. But I feel really awkward because he obviously wants to get close, but I just don't fancy him! He is not pressuring me, and I think he thinks I am just really shy. That's not me at all. I wonder if I may come to feel that way about him in time, but I don't know how to tell him that. Also, I dont want to mess him about, because I cant guarantee that those feelings will come for me. I just think that I have always gone for the bad boys, but maybe I should give a 'nice guy' a chance. I don't know how to handle this. I know I am giving off mixed messages but I'm too embarrassed to explain what I'm really feeling. What do you think? Should I just end it, or if not, how do I handle the physical side of things? I cant keep making excuses!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou all make good points, and I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I feel I should just clarify one thing though. When I said 'bad boys', I didn't mean that I am attracted to men who will treat me badly. I am always attracted to people, in general, who have a bit of 'get up and go' about them. People who have confidence and the drive to achieve their aims, whatever they may be. So for example, three of my main relationships have been with 'self made' men, - who started from nothing and built up successesful businesses, or careers. Its important to say that its not the money that attracts me, but I admire that sort of drive in anyone. However, I have found that the very characteristics which made those men able to achieve what they did, were the same traits that made them bad relationship material, - i.e. they were all selfish, controlling and ruthless about the feelings of others. Now this man is successful, but in a smaller quieter way than the others. He's nice, he's funny, he's thoughful and considerate, - but there's no fire and no excitement! Thats where the danger comes in, I know, but its what makes a man attractive to me! Anyway, I think the only fair thing to do is to tell him, in a tactful way of course, that those feelings of attraction are not there for me at the moment, - that it may be that they will come in time as I get to know him, but I can give no guarantees. Then its up to him if he wants to carry on seeing me or not.
If anyone has any more thoughts on this, I'd be glad to hear them.
Cheers
A
female
reader, :):):) +, writes (5 May 2008):
Alot of women are attracted to 'bad boys' as they bring a sense of excitement and are unpredictable. But as someone once told me 'bad boys are great for flings nothing more.'
Once that dangerous spark has fizzled out your left with nothing.
If ypur past expereiences of bad boys have ended badly then maybe this is a chance you've just been waiting for!
This guy you have described sounds like a nice, genuine guy.
Ofcourse the attraction isnt electric but once you get to know him more personally you will probably become more attracted to him in time. Its always worth a try!
Good luck
xxx
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 May 2008):
 Adding and substracting everything, the end result is that this guy isn't attractive; you're only positive that he won't mistreat you like the other guys did. That should be important, but it's not enough as basis for a relationship. Physical attraction has to exist, too.
I have to state my bias: I feel awful for the guy. His only flaw is that he's nice and won't make your pulse go any faster. I think he deserves to be free, as soon as possible.
I'm sorry I can't go out with him for a beer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): Try and find a way to explain that you a bit up in the air with how you are feeling about 'all things to do with relationships', because of some past baggage which you are finding difficult to loose at the moment. If he is a decent guy, and I know what you mean about the comparisions to the 'bad boy', then he should be someone you can have this type of conversation with.
I have had a tendency to pick the risky types, I think it is because they tend to have the ability to make you feel on top of the world, and we are swept away. But all too often they can't follow through with the good old fashioned real and secure stuff. So we are up and down like yoyo's. The less risky types don't tend to spin our wheels as much, they are not so challenge and exciting. But after getting hurt time and time again you tend to be a little gun shy.
Maybe don't think about this new man as 'the one' or even something you need to choose or decide on. Start to learn a new way of being in a relationship and stop looking for the comparisions to the unsuccessful ones. This is the thing, your missing the feelings of the past rush, but you also know with that came a risk to you. It took something away from you. To me, relationships should enhance our lives.
If you genuinely don't 'fancy or connect' with this guy, then don't string him along, but be honest that you may well not be ready to be with anyone. In a way, your not.
Like you perhaps, I don't know anything other than disruptive relationships, I have learnt over the years how to be in that type of relationship, but not ever really a healthy one. This is why you are doubting your intentions.
My advice would be to focus more on doing things to enrich your life now. Socialise and enjoy things without the burden that you need a man or will continue to be alone. Probaly when your focus starts to move into the many other things you could fill your life with, a partner or someone to share it with, will follow.
I don't think people give themselves enough time to truly heal from crap. If we don't really sort out the problems we tend to make the same mistakes, choose the same type of partners, over and over again. You said that your still not sure if your really over the last guy. Until you feel at ease with this issue, I think it wouldn't matter who you dated - this past relationship will be in any new relationships shadow.
I don't think it is that you are making excuses, I just don't think you really know what you want now, because you have had limited 'good and healthy' relationships.
If I were you, I wouldn't commit to anyone until I know who I am again. Being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely.
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A
female
reader, adinl +, writes (4 May 2008):
If he is that great, tell him how you feel. Done it all my life and am now learning its not about looks or the conquest its about compatibility and trust. Hey great sex is not about the person, its about the mind and the communication. And anyway, sex is not the be all and end all - I think its about media images, media articles, films etc that make us all feel that if we dont have 2 orgasms a night then there is something wrong with us. Tell him and take it from there
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A
female
reader, lifehasnorules  +, writes (4 May 2008):
Hi, well I am a 50 year old woman and I have had the ¨nice guy¨ problem too. I have come to the realization that the men that seem to be nice guys are this way because of the fact that I am not so keen. When I am really keen I behave differently....I don´t have that couldn´t care less attitude and it is this attitude that men seem to like. So maybe it´s not the bad boy, nice guy problem...it´s our attitude that changes depending on how attracted or interested we are in a man.
My suggestion is you let him down and move on. If you are not interested in him physically this will probably never change. How to let him down? Don´t ignore him...we hate it if a man does this to us. You have to be honest and tell him the truth without being too direct. OR you could tell him an old boyfriend is back on the scene and you are sorry but you want to give it another go. Probably the excuse I would use. Men are simple creatures and he will take this at face value more than likely and his ego will be in tact too. It´s very difficult to tell someone that you are not physically attracted to them. So the little white lie is best.
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