A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I apologize in advance for how ridiculously long this is. It's an all around vent/question thing and I'd really like some sound advice from anyone who has either gone through this and knows how to get out or would just like to help. Thanks...My first serious relationship lasted two years and eight months. That was when I was a sophomore to a graduating senior back in high school. It ran afoul because he had always been a total jerk to me (not to mention, he cheated on me several times, always admitting it and never feeling guilty). I thought that since we were both going away to college, it was high time to move on. We broke up approximately a week before we moved away to opposite coasts.Six months later, I started dating a guy who lived down my hall at university. After a year and a half together, it got serious enough to get an apartment together in our junior year. After just three months living together, I caught him (literally walked in on him) having sex with my room mate from freshman and sophomore years. He begged for forgiveness and after about a week of thinking about it, I forgave him under the condition that he never contact my ex room mate in any way again. He complied.Or so I thought. Not even three months later, I find out from my ex room mate that he had been texting her at least 50 times a day over the last three months. Telling her how much he loves her and masturbates to the thought of her when he's in the shower; that he can't live without her and he's still trying to get rid of me. And then she sent me a really heart-wrenching text about all this: That she was five months pregnant with his baby.I wanted to throw my phone at the wall and kill my then boyfriend. When he came home, I was sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of hot tea and I just stared at him. He asked what was wrong and then the whole shebang happened. I moved to my friend's apartment the next morning.Two years later, when I was 24, I started dating my third serious boyfriend. So serious, in fact, we were engaged for three of the five years that we were together. He was 11 years older than me and had two kids from his previous marriage that lasted ten years. They divorced a full four years before we even met due to his ex wife cheating. After setting the date for our wedding and a month into actually planning it, his (then 13 year old) daughter freaks out about "losing her dad" and he breaks up with me. It was the most surreal and hurtful thing ever done to me. I felt so cast aside.Well, now I'm 36, I haven't been on an actual date since I was 32, I have a decently paying job, and I live in an apartment with my two cats and a two year old laptop. Naturally, my parents have been worried about me and my prospects for finding a husband and all that BS since my ex and I broke up seven years ago. I mean, even my younger sister (who is 28 and dated/had sex with anything with a penis throughout her high school and college careers) has a husband of three years and a THIRD kid on the way.My younger brother (aged 35) is no different. He's planning his second marriage to a woman he's known for a year and has four kids with his ex-wife and a two month old son with his to-be wife. Naturally, I've been set up on blind dates all the over place and NONE have interested me in a way that would make me want to stay in contact with them. Some of them have been desperate for marriage and kids on the first date while others have just been looking for sex. When I've been horny enough, I would take these offers right away.What is this rut? How can I get out? I do want a kid or two but that I'm older than 35, I wonder if I'll be risking birth defects and then I'll be a failure as a parent, too. I also want a husband but you never know with people these days. What is wrong with me!?
View related questions:
broke up, cheated on me, divorce, engaged, ex-wife, his ex, horny, move on, my ex, roommate, text, university, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (22 May 2011):
 I really feel for you. You certainly have had a rough time where men are concerned and it is so much harder for women on the dating scene.
I often think that certain personality types just have the misfortune of allowing others to treat them badly. Of course you have gotten out everytime you have been treated badly but it keeps happening over and over and maybe you are just going for the wrong types (ARGGGHHH I hate that term but it seems to be true)
Some women NEVER find the right guy and thats why so many prefer to have a child out of wedlock because the desire to be a mother is far greater than the desire to be a wife. Its a big risk and most women have to be well set up in order to do it...but millions do.
I know how frustrating it is to have people say 'OOhhh he's out there, just keep looking' but in reality you probably just wanna hide under the bed and wish it would all just stop being so difficult and akward.
That said, you can never let go of hope, but be selective (another term I hate because men are so good at lying and making you think they are great when really they are snakes) but go with your gut and dont rush in too quickly.
If you do meet a guy you like, keep things light and take a good old look at how he behaves (not what he says)
You can enjoy dating so much better when you dont look at every person as a potential husband (but I bet you already know that and I am maxing out on the cliches)
There are no guarantees that it will ever happen but make sure the package is appealing, take care of yourself and be yourself. Try not to fall into dips of apathy and self loathing ( so easy to do and women always beat themselve up)
Go foward, get on with your life and just keep a little hope in your reserves...thats basically all you can do.
Good luck xxx
A
female
reader, lovebird1  +, writes (22 May 2011):
I suppose nothing's wrong with you. Maybe you just had bad luck with love so far. I really think that's possible in your case. When you were younger you had your heart broken in various ways and now you're a bit more cautious, which is completely understandable. And sometimes you enjoy your life and have fun when you feel like it. Sounds pretty mentally healthy to me.I know this "you-are-old-now-get-a-husband-and-kids" pressure - I'm 28 and I already feel it. I am single and my friends who are single too, they want nothing more but to find an acceptable guy to have a family with. But I doubt if this behaviour can lead to a solid marriage or happy family. I think it's important to love someone without already contemplating about his dad-abilities.Yes, when I look at my parents it was different and they're still together. But we're another, very insecure generation of people who need to find their own, somewhat more difficult way. Personally, I think you can still give it a try with having kids because I know many people who've had children between 36-42 and the kids all turned out healthy. Yes, there's a somewhat bigger risk for birth defects, but maybe the risk's still very small. Ask your gynecologist about that, maybe there are risk factors or so. I don't really know how to get out of this. But whenever I'm in a crisis, what I do is, I go to a good bookstore and get a good self help book. Or two. Or three. And somehow there's always been some advice I could use, some aspect I didn't see before. Books are more understanding than friends and family sometimes and books have sounder advice.I just read "Make every man want you" by Marie Forleo and well, it's not that every man wants me now, but I've understood some little things about relationships. The title is weird but the book is short and well written. It' s on amazon.com and you can read some example pages.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (22 May 2011):
 You can just keep looking for the right person. Its hard and its going to wear you out but you have to keep looking if you really want to find the right man, he's out there I swear it. Keep going on blind dates or look for them in places one would expect to find more ideal people. Cafes, bookstores, take classes, just go out and meet people.
As for having children, my grandmother was still having healthy kids a few years before turning 70 so, don't worry about any birth defects. Just be patient and focus on making yourself happy in all other areas of your life.
I hope that helps.
...............................
|
