A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:My boyfriend of 1 year doesn't know I have a deadline in mind for him to really show me that he loves me. We HAVE talked, numerous times and I am always in control of myself and rational and non-accusing. He has had a "meh" attitude in the past and I can't waste my time with someone who feels that way about me when I am so passionate about them. Here's the current situation:He doesn't want to come to my house after Thanksgiving dinner w/his family because that's his nap-time. So I said he should come over tonight (Wednesday) after work (8:30) and stay over and have breakfast w/us tomorrow and then go to his family. He half-heartedly said, "Possibly, it depends on how I'm feeling after work." This has been his M.O. during the year we've been together.My investment in this relationship is well-reflected in yesterday's actions: I got up at 6:30, worked 8 hours, drove an hour for a 2 hour CEU class, drove the hour BACK to him to help him find his wallet that he carelessly lost (that contained a $500 check entrusted to him by his mother), I took him to Walmart and then to the grocery store. Didn't go to bed til after 1:00am.I thought love was about sacrifice. If he can't do SOMETHING for me on a holiday(and also with a good attitude), what does that say about how he really feels about me? I must not be worth that much to him, despite his handful of weak "But I DO love you"'s. Am I a fool to still be in this relationship? I'm afraid I might be... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, bardia +, writes (25 November 2011):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks again! Yeah, I guess I need to chill & give it more time. He did come over (happily) for a few hours. That's all I needed. And today he's been sweetsness all day. He's done a few very giving-type things today that have actually really surprised me. So we'll continue to take time & reassess as needed. BTW, it wasn't a daily 'nap-time'. We're talking post-thanksgiving dinner nap here (a fairly common occurrence around the country from what I understand). Oy.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 November 2011):
 If he's already made changes in just one year then I think that sounds promising. People usually do not change at all, or extremely slowly so. To see changes in just one year says that a lot is going on for him.
Maybe he is selfish, you know him best. But I don't see that just from the episodes you've described. I see one bad timing, where there is Thanksgiving dinner, usually a big family thing, and you've only dated one year so it'd be a bit early to demand you celebrate together. I know that's not what you directly asked of him, but you did ask him to leave his family to come see you, only to go back again. That sounds like a lot of a bother, and again, too early in the relationship to start celebrating holidays together. Yes I know, someone people jump right in there and celebrate together, but taking things slowly usually pays off in the long run.
Then there is another episode where you go out of your way, give far too much, and like you said, you are a pleaser and it is killing you in other aspects of life as well. You being too eager to please will kill you in this relationship as well. It is not your boyfriends job to "limit" you, or tell you what you can or can't do. If you want to stop pleasing so much you need to keep restrains on yourself. It'd be great if your boyfriend helped out, to really, it is difficult for others to know where YOUR lines are, where your limits are. You know yourself best. You know what truly isn't a bother to do, and what actually is quite a bother. You need to stop doing the things that actually are quite bothersome to you.
Your boyfriend can take care of himself. He's younger than you, but still an adult. Leave him to sort himself out, while you take care of yourself. He lost his wallet again? Tough luck, that's his problem, you are other things to attend to. Such as.. taking a hot bath, or watching your favourite show. You can tell him you'll help look for the wallet next time you come by.
Stop going out of your way for every small and insignificant thing. Even if your boyfriend did the same to you and went out of his way with absolutely everything, him using up all of his energy doesn't mean you get any energy in return. The energy, the time and effort that you have put into things are used up. You wont get that back, no matter what he does in return. Which means you will burn yourself out no matter what he does in return. So this can't go on in the long run.
Maybe you are giving too much because you are afraid he will leave you if you one day tell him you'd rather watch TV than drive him to the mall? Try it out. See what happens. Judge what to do with the relationship after you have tried to respect your own boundaries and see how he reacts to it. My guess is he wont mind you putting yourself first at all. Putting yourself first from time to time does not at all mean the relationship will be doomed.
Look for things he does for you in other places as well. One very common mistake (especially for you since this is your first relationship) is to have these different expectations. You measure his actions in comparison with your own. The things you do to show love and care is what you expect him to do to show love and care. But, the truth is he probably shows his love and care in DIFFERENT ways than how you do it. While you drive around to do his errands, perhaps he sits quiet and smiles when you go into a rant about something that honestly is boring him to death? Or maybe you are a terrible cook, but he tells you he loves your food? There could be so many small things that you just don't see, because you haven't trained your eye to see those other signs of love and care.
You could find this out by asking him, or by giving it time and in time you will learn to see his signs as well. But it will take more than one year. I'd give it at least 2, if you want to learn more about him and learn to see the things he does for you. My mother for example is always late. Her boyfriend of 14 years hates it when people are late, and would just leave if they are late. Or be pissed if they show up late. Yet he accepts that she is late, almost all the time. That's how he gives off himself, thats a subtle sign of his care. My mother didn't realize this until years into the relationship... People show love and care in different ways.
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A
female
reader, kandykane +, writes (25 November 2011):
He has a "nap time"....
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (24 November 2011):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWorldly-wise, yes, he has changed over time (slowly but definitely). There are other things about this relationship that truly make me believe I can't just give up on him & us. (And I'm not a typical girl either, considering this is my first ever relationship that began when I was 35 years old. He's also considerably younger) All of us are damaged, some a little more than others. All the more reason I try to extend grace to our situation. In general, when we're together we are comfortable and dear friends who need & understand each others' quirks. He is selfish & oblivious a lot, and I guess only I can determine just how much of that I can live with in light of the rest of the relationship. I DO need to relax (I'm a pathological giver & pleaser & it's killing me in every aspect of my life, not just here). Thank you all for your continued advice. I need all the help I can get.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): If he's not a 'typical' guy with 'typical' boyfriend behaviours then only you know if the core of this relationship is worth running yourself ragged for.
You can talk till your blue in the face, the question is, has he ever listened and things changed?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (24 November 2011):
It doesn't say anything about how he feels for you. All this is telling me is that you and him have vastly different expectations from a relationship. He expects little if nothing, and you expect the moon on a silver plate, because that is what you are offering him in return. You are driving yourself to exhaustion to "prove your love and dedication" for him, when he doesn't need these proofs. Leave him, and adult man, to find his own wallet. You're not his mom. All these sacrifices you make just makes YOU exhausted, and you might think that it'd be okay IF ONLY you found a boyfriend who did the same to you, or ONLY IF your current boyfriend would change his ways (this never happens, either accept him as he is or move on). But the truth is, even if you found a man who gave you the moon on a silver plate and drove around the world for you, this man doesn't have the ability to make you happy. Running errands for you and doing things of the extraordinaire are cute and romantic, and "declarations of love" in a grand manner. But what really determines if you are going to be happy or not is not THINGS, but how you and him get along. Can you have fun together? Can you laugh together? It's needed that he is willing to help out, do things for you, but to demand sacrifices isn't fair. And you shouldn't be sacrificing yourself so much either, because it serves no purpose.
You will only run yourself dry if you keep pushing yourself so hard. Learn from your boyfriend instead, and develop a bit more "meh" of your own. There's a middle ground in this, but you sound like one extreme and he the other. You need to calm down 2 steps, and he needs to get up two more levels to meet you half way. However he probably wont change. People never change just because someone else wants them to, they change only when they want to themselves.
Work on calming yourself down and prioritizing yourself, not always the relationship. The relationship needs love and care, yes, but this borders on suffocation. You're suffocating yourself with sacrifices you make for the relationship, and it'll suffocate the relationship as well. Lukewarm is, after all, far better than boiling hot and burning. Find happiness in being content, rather than in a chase after better, faster, stronger, hotter. When are you going to ever get to sit down, relax, and enjoy what you've got if you are always on the run to sacrifice yourself for the relationship? When are you enjoying him if you are always on the lookout for sacrifices he makes?
Men are notoriously focused on their own well-being. Rather than letting it get to you, learn from it, and stop being a push-over. I've yet to meet a man who would do what you do without being called clingy and desperate (in return causing the women to run for the hills).
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (24 November 2011):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn the other post I didn't word that right. HE'S not a convict. *I* put him on "probation" after a talk we had to see if any of this behavior would change regarding this situation. You obviously missed the comment I tried to add to clarify that statement. I am an educated woman with a Masters degree. Why would I get involved with a convict? Wish people would pay more attention. And unfortunately this is my first eve relationship and I'm trying to navigate it as best I can. It's been a complicated situation and I just don't want to end this if it's salvageable through further conversation. He's not a typical guy w/typical boyfriend behaviors either which makes me take the advice I get with a grain of salt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): Your his doormat and you won't get any rewards for your self sacrifice. He's taking the proverbial P**s and if you can't see this then your blinded by madness.Your flogging a dead horse.A martyr.
Please, dump him and find a man who values you and does his share to grow a loving relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): Ha, ive been with a guy like this. The guy I was with was an idiot, he didnt love me and used me.
Of course thats not to say your guy doesnt love you. But he definitely isn't putting the effort in the relationship.
SOme men may not realise. I have a best guy friend who dated a girl he thought he loved, but I remember in the middle of the night once he told her to leave as he couldnt sleep sharing his bed. The poor girl was expected to walk home alone, in the dark as had no money on her for a cab.
So he probably does love you, but he really isn't putting his share into the relationship.
You sound like a strong independent woman. i guess after a year if he hasnt changed his attitude, then you can expect he'd be exactly as he is next year, 5 years time and 10 years time.
If you don't want this type of relationship, then I think you should break the tie and leave. Its unfortunate that theres no other way to make someone realise something except by breaking up and thats usually when things can't really be fixed. If you dont want to just end it suddenly, then have a really GOOD talk to him, leave it a month and if nothing changes then end it and at least you can say you tried
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A
female
reader, aunt earnest +, writes (24 November 2011):
 You are an amazing girlfriend! You should not waste your time on this lazy, indifferent guy. He does not appreciate you and all you do for him. He is a freeloafer with little emotional attachment to you. You need to get out of this relationship and spend some time with yourself. Pamper yourself and stop worrying about this guy. He is not worth your valuable time.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 I think you'd be best to leave.
The fact that he says he can't go because it's interrupts his "nap time" clearly says a lot to me.
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