A
male
age
41-50,
*onfusedasheck1234
writes:Ok so here goes. I've been in a relationship for the past 8 years with a wonderful woman. She is sweet, kind, funny, smart, all the things you could possibly want in a mate, but for some reason the spark is all but gone. I'm just not physically attracted to her anymore. I feel like we have become more like very close friends that say "I love you" out of habit. I don't know how she is feeling, but it seems to me like I at least have just become comfortable with her, so comfortable that I don't really know what makes me happy anymore. I think about leaving and all that I think about is how hurt she will be and how much my life will change. This may seem trivial to some but we have a life together, a house, pets, and I don't know if I can give that up. I'm totally confused here because most of my life has been spent trying to make others happy, so i'm not totally sure what makes me happy. I can't wait to call her when something good happens, or cry to her when something bad happens but these are things you do with a friend right? We are engaged to be married for christ sake! I come home from my day at work, we talk for awhile then watch t.v together. The sad thing is i'm content with that, I don't feel the need for physical contact with her, that can't be normal right? The butterflies are gone and to me that seems like the spark has all but fizzled. I feel like i'm doing wrong by her to continue this relationship. I don't know, I guess I just needed to put this out there. I had to put it out there that I am unsure about my feelings. I guess the answer is the answer all of us are looking for "are they really the one or just a learning experience". I guess that's what life is, one huge on going learning experience. I picture in my head her crying if I were to tell her that I don't think this is right and all I can feel is her pain, real pain that actually hurts my heart. There is no other person that I want to run to, these are just my feelings of doubt that have been very heavy to me for the past few months. I don't know what responses will come, probably "you're a jerk" or "tell her already", I don't even know why I felt I had to write this. Well that's it in a nutshell
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 October 2008):
 Sit down and have a nice heart to heart with her. I think the spark can be rekindled in your case, it will always peter out if you don't pay attention in any relationship. After 8 years don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Best of luck and keep us posted, we love happy endings.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): Hey there ....this will sound like a bitter young woman answering you most likely because well at this point in my life I am My Boyfriend 1st love the man that "poped my cherry" partner of 4 years bestfriend my everything just told me that he was no longer in love with me but didnt want to loose me as a friend also that well he had felt that way for some time now but didnt "have the balls to tell you" (me) oh yeah the best part was when he had to brake it down for me that " I no longer want to stick my panis in you " well needless to say after the first waves of heart shattering shock and opain I was hurt most by the fact that he had let me live a lie and made feel as if I was a very stopid person for not having seen that every time i said I love you to him he no longer said anything at all i guess we see /hear/feel what we want and most of the time we like to dance jump run from all the other pices of the bigger picture .....what it is ime trying to say is dont drag her you and everthing you had through hell to let go just let go save all that may be there in the end friends family you her and end it because it will end some time
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A
male
reader, confusedasheck1234 +, writes (14 October 2008):
confusedasheck1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhuh, here I was thinking I would get no responses to my silly drivle. Thank you for those that have responded, I don't even know what I was hoping for out of this. I guess re-assurance that talking to her is the best bet, yet I knew that already. I guess sometimes it's better to just put things out there and an audience of people who don't know you at all is alot easier than peers who have a somewhat vested intrest. Thanks again to those that replied
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): seems your quite happy which is good to read,but you say that spark has gone,it hasnt gone just needs tending to you have to put in what you expect to take out,i noticed you never said that you made her feel attractive with compliments so she aint going to feel attractive,sexy.let her know how hot she is and you should start to receive something back
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A
female
reader, rockc +, writes (14 October 2008):
 My boyfriend of nearly 3 years broke up with me a few days ago, not because we were fighting or because someone cheated on the other, but because he felt our relationship wasn't going anywhere. He felt bored in a way that I feel is similar to what you are trying to convey. All we had been doing together for the last couple months was making dinner, watching tv shows, and going to bed... often without even making love (that's my fault, I just don't enjoy it as much as he does). And as for the I love yous... virtually nonexistent, unless I was the one who initiated it (basically, all he could say was "I love you too").
Anyways, from the perspective of the girl who you are about to dump: don't just initiate a conversation where you plan on breaking up with her. If you really do love her (and love can be physical and exciting, yes, but it can also just be being comfortable with each other and enjoying someone's company--you can do things to make the physical part more exciting, trying new things), which I imagine you do, then tell her you are unhappy with the way things are. Tell her you need to do something new and exciting. Or don't tell her, and surprise her. Take her away somewhere you've never been, even if just for a weekend to a hotel. It's not a one-way street where she is there for your entertainment. You are saying that you are bored, well she probably is too. And if you make the effort this time, maybe she'll reciprocate and you'll have "the spark" back (which is just a bunch of brain chemicals getting excited anyways).
But if you do decide to break up with her out of boredom (or have you considered that it might be fright over getting married and settling down?), then yeah, you are going to have to deal with the consequence of her being extremely hurt. My boyfriend and I had been together for a fraction of the time as you and your finance, and it hurt plenty for me. I still cry, and now I have no one's shoulder to do it on. I'm not going to say you're a jerk, because I totally understand where you are coming from, but if you guys aren't having problems then I'd suggest not throwing away 8 years of a relationship for who knows what in the end, without even trying to fix what's wrong.
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A
female
reader, SarahOwen  +, writes (14 October 2008):
You do need to talk things through with her. She might be feeling the same but she also could be feeling that everything is wonderful. I think it might help you to try and pinpoint exactly what you feel is wrong in the relationship. And forget this whole, 'That isn't normal in a relationship' thing. Do what feels right for you and her. Build up your own expectations of what a relationship should entail
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A
female
reader, youloveit  +, writes (14 October 2008):
I dont think your a jerk.. but you have to say something Ive been in this kind of relationship myself..but really sometimes no matter how hard it hurts you have let go.. your just wasting time.. the hardest part is rebuilding your life without her.. but you know its for the better and the pain and frustration will soon fade.. but you CANNOT stay in a relationship for someone else its not a healthy way to live your life. follow your instincts dont ignore them, trust that it is for the better and it will get better. hope I gave you some comfort..
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