A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I would like to ask for advice on dealing with my boyfriends behaviour. We have been together 3 years, not living together. He is fun and good company, cooks meals and helps clean up, he is attractive and we seem to have had good chemistry. But over time a pattern has developed which I am worried about. When we are alone, he tells me how wonderful I am, usually after a few drinks. When we are not together he messages often. But when his child (8) with ex is visiting him, he totally ignores messages and there are no calls, if I call they mostly are not answered. I know he may be occupied but for 24 hours? Then when child has gone home he is back on the phone.it's like I don't exist for those 24 hours.I have spent time with them before, when we have gone out for something to eat etc. Then he is mostly talking to child, but I expect that is normal. I don't have children. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): Im sorry but I dont totally agree with everyone else. I do think that he should at least answer your calls and texts as usual but maybe you should just not call or message him as much during those 24 hours. But to completely blank you yes I would feel disrespected and ignored so I do understand your point of view if this is what he is doing to you. In fact I might even feel a bit used. Fair enough he sees you 6 days but whats wrong with answering a quick phone call or text. I dont see the problem with that at all. If I was in your shoes and was totally ignored the message I would be getting is "your not important when im with my child".s
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 He sees her one day a week? YOU get the other 6?
He is doing what a GOOD dad does. PUTTING his child first.
Does that mean he can't send a text saying hi how are you blah blah? I don't see why not, but I actually applaud him for not being one of these TYPICAL parents who spend more time texing unimportant shit instead of spending time with their child.
He even have you join them so it's not like he ignores you or pretend you don't exist.
If this isn't working for you, maybe ending it and finding a guy without kids.
I just don't see anything wrong with his actions.
Instead of feeling slighted or insulted SPEND that DAY doing stuff JUST for you. Go out with girl-friends for a cocktail, get your nails done, read a good book, cuddle up with a good movie, visit your parents...... ENJOY the day. LET him enjoy his.
Dating and marriage doesn't mean you HAVE to be glued to each other.
...............................
A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (28 June 2014):
Hi,
My situation is similar to yours. My wife has three children that are at colleges away from home. We have a great life together but when they call, or are at home, she gives them her first priority. She always has because they are her children.
I understand this and accept my role in all this. However, it is normal for a parent to do this. I came into their life when they were a family. But, I'm happy, I get to live and sleep with mum, and I also have a great relationship. Thanks.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 24 hours, that's all ?... why are you freaking out about about a 24 hours " separation " ? He is just spending quality time wit his child - which I guess it only happens every now and then - and wants to give him his undivided attention.
Your BF should not have to reassure you every single that he cares about you. By now , either you know that and feel that for a fact , without entering in competition with an 8 y.o. kid for his dad's attention .
Or, you don't know / are not that sure if he cares ,- but it's not by keeping tabs on him every single day , no matter what else is going on in his life , like his son's visit- that will make him care more .
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): Sorry but his child will always come before you, that's the way it should be, it's not a bad thing it shows that he is a good father and gives his child undivided attention, if you have kids one day you will understand that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): I guess when you yourself become a parent, you'll understand. Your children come first!
If he doesn't live with his daughter, when they spend time together; it should be all about her. Don't question his behavior, it's a good sign. He is an attentive and loving father, and you may benefit from that someday.
I'm sure you can spare him a few hours to make his little girl his world. You're the woman in his life, you know so much better as an adult. It is inappropriate to be jealous.
I realize that children from a previous relationship represent an eternal-connection with an ex; but he's with the child. Not her. They (he and his ex) will always share her between them as parents. You may as well get used to it, or move on.
If you didn't get enough of daddy's (or mommy's) attention in competition with siblings, try not to let that overtake you now. That just may be part of it. The awakening of old child-hood feelings residual from your past. A flashback that still evokes emotion. Wanting to be daddy's favorite.
Maybe you're an only child, and got it all.
Your concerns are not with his behavior when he's with the child; it's your competition to be number-one in his life. You're too possessive of his time and attention. Suppress and control it.
I'm not going to tell you to leave him and all that. Just realize that among the other things you appreciate in him,
add the fact that he is a good father. You can say, without a doubt, you know that as a fact. The one thing about men who are loving-fathers; fatherhood brings out the best in a man. Sensitivity that makes us more well-rounded as humans.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 June 2014):
 The child came before you in his life. The child is here to stay in his life. Suck it up or end the relationship. If you always expect to be the center of attention it ain't gonna happen in this relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (28 June 2014):
I think you need to accept that when his child is visiting, he is not available to entertain you. His child absolutely should come first, and he is doing exactly what he should be doing by spending quality time with him/her. Incidentally, why do you call him/her 'child' instead of his daughter/son? It seems a bit disrespectful.
Anyway, if you stay with this guy you have to understand that she is part of the package. Can you handle being 'Stepmum' forever? It's ok if not, but you need to decide for yourself as this situation won't and never should change.
I know so many people who are jealous of their partners children, and resent the time they spend together and they money they spend on them. That's not fair on the child or the partner. The fact he is a devoted and caring Dad is actually a great quality. I mean imagine if you had a child with him and things didn't work out between you. Would you want him to put his child first, or the feelings of his new girlfriend who was competing for his attention? You are supposed to be the adult here and you should understand that if you date a man with children, you need to willingly step back at times and let him develop that relationship.
If you can't accept that you will always come second (and lots of women can't - it's ok) then you need to leave him and find someone without children.
...............................
A
female
reader, tibob  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 Why do you have to be so possesive? He is being a good father to his child. He spends time with you, quality time i mean. Now when he wants to be withghis child, you complain? Your world seems to revolve around him. His child is precious to him. He is a good man. Its you who are a bit possesif. No maman
...............................
|
