A
female
age
41-50,
*racie123
writes:Argh, I am so confused and there probably is not answer, but maybe someone can share something?I began dating my boyfriend casually, we live in separate cities and so communicated alot through email and sending things in the mail and stuff. He was still very involved with his ex, sleeping with her, and as our communication continued and I began to feel more for him, he continued sleeping with her, talking about her quite a bit, he would give me compliments and say "she can never know I said that." When I said that hurts my feelings, he'd say "I'm just trying to protect her." His reasoning for all this was that she was a friend of his. He showed me pictures of her in his wallet, just a lot of bonehead moves. I figured we were casual, he clearly wasn't interested in me, so when it started to hurt more than it was fun, I went to call it off. His ex is an alcoholic, and she asked him to come stay with her to dry her out. He talked with me about this for some time one evening (he had never dealt with something like this and I used to work in drug treatment, so was advising him) and I got off the phone and burst into tears. The next day I told him I could no longer be his friend and lover, but would be happy to be his friend. He responded by telling me he was in love with me. He spent that night at her house drying her out; he says he slept on the couch.I was incredibly weak, and I too was falling for him, so I stuck around and we ended up getting into a relationship. He has always insisted on keeping her as a friend, and this has broken my heart. He had her name tattooed on him twice, and after he became my boyfriend, I sort of expected him to cover them up (he'd covered up his ex-wife's name when he began dating the ex) and he never did. I asked him, "What's the deal--would you ever consider covering those up?" and he became very upset with me because that would hurt her so much. This broke my heart, because how much had he already hurt me to avoid hurting her? After arguments and several months, I realized he was not over her. He came to visit and I planned to break it off, when I saw that he had covered the tattoos. I didn't know what to think; it didn't feel right at that point.I grew tired of hearing about her and asked him to just stop talking about her; I told him to just do what he'd do and if he had sex with her, gave her $ (he was paying her rent while we dated), or was drying her out again or something, to tell me, but other than that I didn't want to hear about it. This was stupid in retrospect, but I just couldn't take it anymore, and, having seen how he loved her, felt I couldn't take more of her away from him. This is my own co-dependence and caretaking I suppose.It has been 18 months and we have never been ok, though he has been otherwise a very good and loving boyfriend. He has never visited without bringing me a present and tells me he loves me everyday.She moved away and they continued to talk on the phone. Our arguments about this have escalated. I cannot get beyond my pain.He told me she was coming back for a visit and he was going to see her. I had a very strong reaction against this. I was terrified. I thought they might sleep together. We had numerous arguments about it until he told me she had already been there and they had had coffee a couple times. I was upset, largely that it was a couple times. I was still trying to accept things.In the midst of an argument, I broke it off. The next day I went on her myspace (which I hadn't done in over a year--it's never a good thing!) and saw pictures posted of him and his family all hanging out with her from her visit. I flipped--we never hang out with his family, so why does she get to? He told me I was a conspiracy theorist, the most jealous person he had ever met, crazy and psychotic. He was like, it was just coffee. He had told me when we first started dating how she would come over and watch movies with his family, and I had said how I didn't think that was appropriate, so I really felt he was omitting stuff he know I wouldn't like. I could hardly hold it together.We didn't speak, he wanted to work it out, wanted to go to counseling, I felt I couldn't trust him. Then I went back on myspace (I know, I know) and realized there were pictures of her at his house...one on the hood of her car and the like...and I wasn't even mad, just like , wow there's more? I asked him about it and he was very cagey. So we ended it.He called me yesterday and told me he spoke to her and said he's trying to work stuff out with me and that's important to him and it's best that they don't talk or hang out anymore. She said she understood. He wants to work things out.I don't know what to do with this. It seems like too little too late. I do love him. But at this point, it isn't about what he does, but what he didn't do before.Help!!
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alcoholic, ex-wife, his ex, jealous, myspace, tattoo Reply to this Question
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female
reader, gracie123 +, writes (30 September 2009):
gracie123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice!!! We took a year off, saw other people, and I ended up moving to the same city where he lives (for school, not for him!!!). We had dinner, and then again, and again, and are now back together. I've been able to totally put it all behind me. It was a tough road but worth it for how great things are now.
A
female
reader, elsie  +, writes (16 June 2008):
 first of all i think that the last answer from anonymous was brill.i only wish id been strong enough.what is all boils down to is self-respect.she was sooo right.make the boundaries.i soo much wish id not got involved and fell in love with my b/f now because hes so involved with his ex it breaks my heart.once they,ve liet they WILL continue to lie.they will just get better at covering it up.this is exactly whats happened to me.at least your fella sound like hes got a heart.but wouldnt it be better if it ALL belonged to you?
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A
male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (6 June 2008):
 i believe hes a good guy but i dont believe your going to be happy with him. this is about you not him, if you feel hurt by this relationship then its not good for you, if you feel like you cant trust him then its not good for you, if the thought of them haveing coffee drives you crazy then its not good for you. he will make someone happy but hes not good for you.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (6 June 2008):
 He wasnt prepared to give her up before so I doubt he can do it now. He is having his cake and eating it, he has you to pick up the pieces when things are going bad with her.
He has lied to you, omitted things about her and what they did together. How can you truly trust him, everytime he leaves the house you will wonder if he has gone to her.
I really think you have wasted enough time with this man, it may be that he genuinely loves you but he is very messed up. Move on and find a man to love you exclusively x
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A
male
reader, youwillhateme +, writes (5 June 2008):
ok :) well, i can understand why he wanted to help her, and maybe thats all it was, a kind of paternal instinct to help, that should be at the heart of every human.
this probably makes him a really nice guy
from what i can understand, he has never cheated on you, and is a good boyfriend. except from wanting to help his ex, he has done nothing wrong, right ?
so basically your jelous of the time he spent helping her.
he seems like a nice guy, and if he is now willing to let his ex stand on her own two feet, and stop seeing her, then whats the problem ?
he's not gonna see her anymore
and you get a helpful, caring guy who tells you he loves you everyday.
sounds like bliss :)
good luck xx
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (5 June 2008):
 I don't think there is any point in you continuing with this relationship if you are in any doubt as to whether he'll keep his word about severing contact with his ex as it seems to be the root to all your problems. I can understand your resentfulness of his relationship with her, you feel that there is something in your lives that can never be shared. As you live far apart you will find yourself wondering if he does indeed still see her and is simply not telling you as he's done in the past.
Unless you can be sure she's out of his life you will never be at peace and will forever doubt him.
Maybe you should call it a day and save yourself any unnecssary heartache. Sure it'll hurt to lose him but maybe you would be wise to be a little selfish and think how all this will affect you and your life.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): The first mistake I see you made in this relationship is allowing him to talk about his ex to you. You see, every single guy you meet has BAGGAGE. No doubt. But you must never allow them to bring their baggage into your relationship. That's a big mistake. You have to set the boundaries from DAY ONE. Never be so nice that you allow yourself to become their therapist and try to lick their wounds. Never. You need to have enough self respect to know that A. its rude for a guy that you are interested in to be talking about his ex to you, its unacceptable. You are a fabulous woman and you have way more to offer than any woman in his past that he has been with so there is no reason for you to feel like you needed to lick his wounds. Who cares about her, he found YOU, and you are GREAT and will blow her out of the water. You just needed to be SURE of that.
I'll give you an example. I recently met a guy who I totally hit it off with. He briefly mentioned early on that he had recently broken up with his ex and that he had been hurting pretty bad. I didn't ask questions, I didn't want to know, and my expression said it all "if you want to be with me you are going to have to leave that in the past. I am not here to deal with baggage." He read me loud and clear without me having to say anything more. And I know he RESPECTED that. It gives you an edge.
In fact, me and my friend did some sneak action and found he had a myspace still with pictures of her and all that stuff. Obviously I never told him. But you see? Every guy has baggage...But I acted so confident and set my boundaries so loud and clear, that I blew her out of the water. Before I knew it, he took down all of her pictures, put up pictures of me, and took her off his top list and put me up, instead, for everyone to see, even her.
Cause the second you try to become his "friend" and try to lick his wounds and say "aw, poor you, do you want to talk about it?" their going to place more importance on the ex than on you. Why? Cause you allowed him to. Its like they lose respect. Cause if you are allowing him to talk about his ex he knows you are not setting any boundaries so he can walk all over you. And he has. He doesn't give you your proper respect cause you didn't respect yourself enough to not allow it from the start. Not because he is a jerk. But because you ALLOWED it. All men are like that. If you allow them to treat you that way, they will.
But when you don't allow it, all of a sudden you become more intriguing. What it says about you is that you have self respect and that you are a strong woman who doesn't take sh*t. And guys love that.
I don't know if you can reverse this situation, but I think maybe this is a lesson for you to learn. Set boundaries from the start and when you like a guy leave the past in the past. Don't encourage him to talk to you about stuff that has no place whatsoever in your relationship. And believe in yourself and in your value.
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