A
male
age
36-40,
*onHD
writes:Right I thought I would give this a try since I am at my wits end. Okay so basicly I met this girl over the internet, I know, classic fling right? well I thought so too. I wasn't looking for anything special, mostly just someone to flirt with. I'm 19 and shes 18 and I used to send out a lot of these emails to girls and flirted, you know, just something you do. I was single and my friend got me into it so I thought why not.I met this girl, I'll call her 'B' on this and I started my usual flirting, nothing sinister or degrading just silly stuff. She was with someone, which I didn't know about until she told me and I'm no cheater so I died it down a bit but still did playful flirts. Over time speaking to her via MSN I started to 'bond' with her more, she enjoyed her cam sex and phone sex I shall grant her that. Let it be noted that she pushed me for this, and I kinda liked her so I went along with it. We both agreed it was just a bit of fun, something to pass a bit of time between us.Time passed anyway and we had phone or cam sex nearly every night and yes it was good. She had a certain way of turning me on. We spoke for hours, day into night, one time even two days straight. Just asking random questions to each other and it was nice and relaxed and I was very mellow with her and acted more myself. Her boyfriend wanted her to move up to Edinburgh where he was living and she said she was going to, but I decided I liked this girl and told her I didn't want her to. She asked me why, even though she knew the answer, and that is when I said to her I liked her, over camera, and she burst into tears and we both had a very emotional moment of how much we liked each other. In truth though still I wasnt sure what I felt, but I knew she was a girl I got on with so that was enough for me.It was never made offical but we was sort of going out after that and a few days later she asked me to come spend a week with her since her parents were going away. I was nervous, it wasnt a long-long journey, about 2 hours via bus and trains. Hell why not I thought, this would be a good chance to meet this girl. So four days later I went down to see her, beautiful she was, with these gorgous big brown eyes and this long black raven hair to her shoulders, lips strawberry in taste. I still wasnt sure how I felt but she was very attractive, small, but attractive. Oddly I was very nervous, more so than I have been in a long time, I was pretty quiet and shy not wanting to say something to make anything awkward. I finally got up the courage when walking back to hers to hold her hand and she didn't pull away and I admit it was a very nice feeling. We went back to hers (her friend was with her all during this time bear in mind and had to drag her into the train station.) I asked if I could take my bag up to her room and she agreed and showed me the way. I had bought her this necklace, white gold it was, not cheap, a bit much you think? I agree but I did feel close to this girl and I admired her honesty and so got her this heart shaped necklace to show I cared. She liked it which was a major relief, seeing her reaction to it and putting it around her neck was one of the nicest feelings I had ever felt.After a kiss and thank you and displaying it to her friend (as girls do). My time there was very relaxing and I enjoyed every minute of it, it wasn't until the first night there when I was laying next to her with my arm around her that it hit me like a strong hit in the gonnads, I loved this girl. Now you must understand I have never been a guy that loves easily, I've always been sceptical about love, but I did very much love this girl. I have never been so at peace as I was at that point, for the first moment since I was a child I felt safe and completly at ease just being there with her with my arm around her (and no we didnt have sex) it was an odd feeling, one even I couldn't explain now. But I was very happy.She was always a girl that wasn't afraid to tell you to f*ck off or speak her mind no matter how brutal and oh how she hated to be proven wrong, but I admired these things, she was determined, strong willed and upfront. She had a troubled youth which I cannot get into out of respect but let's just say she was Bi and had a hard time trusting men. I was only there 4 days when I had to head back home since she was called in for work which I was disapointed about, but work is work right? Those days though, as cliche as this may sound were some of the happiest in my life. So we had our sad goodbye but I said to her it wouldn't be last time and I left her with a rather large grin on my face much like a child would after getting the gift he wanted at christmas. I was happy and later on I realised I didn't just love this girl, I was 'in' love with her, me? in love? oh how the mighty had fallen.It wasn't till after that, that things got...difficult and troubling. She cheated on me a week later with a guy and insisted it was early morning and she was still drunk from night before and he took advantage of her and she wasn't aware. A day later she broke down and admitted she lied, she was drunk but knew what was going on and just let it happen and the condom broke while inside her which made her think she was pregnant. I was furious and upset, my closest friend told me to dump her since I shouldn't be tied down with another guy's kid, but what could I do? I was still in love with her. Then we got into big argument about the child and if she was indeed pregnant, I would never ask her to get rid of her baby or get an abortion for I don't have that right to ask but you have to admit, it's a very awkward position for me. She always wanted a kid since she is a very sad person deep down but it turned out she wasn't pregnant which upset her and I even got accused of being unreasonable because I wasnt 100% on the idea of raising another guy's kid, especially at my age. We forgave each other though, she did lie to me at first but it took courage to tell me and I could tell she was very upset and sorry about it, but I said to her if she ever did it to me again I wouldn't forgive her. Things returned to normal, kinda. She had never got on with her father and ended up having an argument, I do not know what over now. But he chucked her out and she had nowhere else to go, now 'B' called me most of the time during the day, well no thats a lie she texted ME to call HER. The cheek, but i didnt mind too much. She called me to say she had been chucked out and was going to go stay at her ex boyfriends house, this guy was the one before the one i took her off and she had gone out with this guy for 2 years before they broke up and she had once been living there for a time. So you can imagine my worry right? the girl your mad over going to stay with her ex boyfriend of two years, that is alot of history togeather and she already had the whole 'ive slept with someone else' under her belt.At first i bit my tongue, what more could i do? she had nowhere to go and i couldnt exactly tell her not to stay there and have her wander around the streets, her best friend parents wouldnt let her stay at theirs so it was this or nothing. Not that she would listen to me anyway. but she assured me she would never cheat on me again, and an ex is an ex for a reason. So that put me at ease for a time, though i still was uneasy about the idea. she was orgionly there for 2 days so i let it slide, she slept on the coach and spoke everynight until about 2:00am and we 'did' things. I could tell her ex didnt like me becuase of this, which was understandable since i didnt like him either, classic love story right? After those two days she asked me for a 'break' and started losing her temper with me. She told me she had too much on her mind with work, college and other things and couldnt put up with a boyfriend aswell. At the time i thought it was becuase i kept askign her when she was going home, but to be hoenst what boyfriend wouldnt? but now i started to think maybe its becuase she started feeling for him. Regardless, all this didnt help my trust in her and my suspicions, but i tried convincing myself i was just paranoid and tried my best to let it slide. She went to go back home but ended up having another argument with her father make her return back to her ex's and for good this time it seemed, for she was there for about 2-3 weeks. We was the same sort of, while we wasnt saying we was togeather we still did same stuff over phone and that sort of thing. All in all we was still togeather just not in title so i was content.After awhile though i began to get unpatient with it, since he had started buying her gifts and she gets on really well with him and his mother and she would shower there at night and sit there just in her dressing gown with nothing on underneath. I asked her to meet me in Camden once and she said she would, but pulled out last day. I was upset and disapointed but was understanding and let it go. I then asked her to come down to mine for a week, just her and me, she agreed, but said she didnt have money while i insisted on paying, she refused, even though i was expected to pay for most things when i was up her way. I felt she was using it as an excuse not to come down. But she said she was getting money in a few days so probley could. Great! i thought, at last i was gonna have the love of my life down with me. But oh no wasnt meant to be, she pulled out once again, she didnt have the money and refused to take it off me. I was pretty angry haveing had her reject me yet again and pull out over such a bad excuse. So i said, next week then, next week you must come down even if you dont have money oand i have to pay. She agreed.One more week i thought, i can do this. So the time came and i called her while i was at work, and she said she was meant to be going somewhere with her friend, a 'holiday' but the damn thing was down the road, so i told her, no, your comming to see me, no excuses, im gonna come collect you and bring you up here and your friend will just have to understand. She grunterly agreed. Later on i got many texts from her friend telling me shes comming with her end of story, and an argument broke out and she gave 'B' and automatem, her or me. So she chose her ofcourse, i was livid, what friend does that to another friend? i was exreamly angry. But she told me, next week, heard that before right? I argued a little bit with her over phone when she was there, but i just want to mark down its only a rare occasion i ever started and arguement she was always the argument starter, she had a short fuse. We didnt speak for the last few days she was there, odd since we spoke everyday and usualy made up quickly enough. She came home, and we was okay, but things had started to get strange with her, but the same aswell. She lost her temper with me more over nothing, we ended up arguing everyday but always making up 1 hour later. In truth that was our relationship, while it was harsh sometimes, it was us. I was still very much in love with her. Her ex though had told her he loves her again however during this time, she did tell me and said she pushed him away, but my jelousey and suspicouns were getting the better of me. I went to see her to tell her to her face that i still loved her and wanted to be with her since i could never do it right over msn or phone, i was getting worried we drifting apart, no thats a lie, i knew we was i wanted to save it however. So i did, on the teusday i went to see her. No hug, no kiss, not even a hand shake, just a slight 'hi' and she walked up ahead, this did not serve to help my nerves or suspicions. We sat at Starbucks and talked for awhile, and i tried holding her hand but she kept pulling away, i told her to look into my eyes and i said "i love you" my entire guard was down, i was never good at expressing myself, but for that moment i let my guard down. She turned away and said "I dont love you". I felt my heart crack, she told me there was another she liked, i asked if it was her ex, she said no it wasnt. I didnt know what to say after that, i was speechless. Can i be blamed? We headed back to the train station, and i asked to kiss her goodbye, she wouldnt even give me that. I asked to hug her goodbye then and she did, and i whispered in her ear that i loved her and didnt want to loose her. She pulled away tears in her eyes and went to walk off and i gave her my journal, a booklet i keep all my personal thoughts in, most of it was about her so i thought she should atleast read it. As she ran out the station in tears i shouted i loved her. Before boarding the train.A two hour train ride for a half an hour deep feeling talk which ended in my heart breaking. Its sad but i still had hope after she read that journal she would relise she loved me again. I spoke to her, but she expected me to just act as her friend and nothing more. How do you do that? how does a man in love act as just a friend and nothing more to the girl his in love with? We spoke for awhile but after an argument about something unrelated i relised i had to say goodbye, a tempory one atleast. I said when she knew what she felt for me or wanted off me then to contact me, until then, i love you and goodbye. She called me a few hours later and we got into an argument and this is when she dug a needle through my heart. She told me she had slept with someone a few weeks ago, more than once. I asked who and she said her Ex, and that she had fallen back in love with him. I couldnt help but laugh, the lies, the sheer goddamn lies. All my suspicions, all the times she had told me to trust her, that she would never cheat again, were lies, i am told you need trust in a relationship, observe what that gets you. She said she didnt tell me so not to hurt me until i was more over the break up. She was kidding right? thanks to her i was heatbroken, completly. She had completly betrayed my trust, i was never one for giving trust unless to the deserving but i put trust in her. She through it back in my face. What is worse, no sense of sorry, compassion or sadness in her voice, just cold bluntness. She said she had nothing to be sorry about, she fell in love with him again, and she was never happy when she wasnt with him and that i should be happy shes happy. Never had i broken like that, for first time since i was a child i was crying and couldnt stop, my anger was overwhelming. Later on i asked her for just one thing back via a text, my Journal, so she went into the garden and burnt it and sent me a picture. I felt myself die inside, i had, had loves before but not like how i felt with her. She made me feel i could be a better person to change the crap things in my life. I feel dead inside now, a huge black mass is covering my insides. Dramatic you think? i always thought it was a myth when they say the heart hurts when broken, but its not, my heart in genraly in physical pain. Everything i do reminds me of her and i cant shake the images of her sleeping with him. Knowing how badley they screwed me over and used me. I was always a boy that had alot of troubles in his past with anger and trust but was intent to just live life as it came and to hell with everything that came in my way. Until i felt the love i did for her, some how i got turned into the bad guy with this from the way she accuses me of not being understandable enough. I looked on her MySpace a day later, dont ask me why and she has a new pic on there of her kissing her Ex (no longer an ex now i should say) a day after she did that to me. I am completly shattred. I dont even know what to think or do, i cant eat, or sleep, i even tried sleeping with a girl last night but just couldnt go through with it. She has broken this fools heart and i dont know how i deal with it. Even now, while i hate her, i love her. She says she still wants to be friends, how? how do i do that? without talking to her i feel empty inside like a peice of me is missing but when i talk to her i just feel my eyes tear up and the stabbing pain in my chest. She went on webcam on her friends msn yesterday, she was around 'his' house just on her friends account. He moved up talking to her and looked at the screen and he went down and kissed her on the lips. Knowing it was me she was talking to, that sort of pain can drive a man insane. The love i felt for this girl is impossible to describe. I know there will be other loves, i do not question that, but there will never be a love like the one i felt for her. Young i may be but she did feel like the 'one' to me, they say you know when someone is the 'one' and thats how i feel with her. Its funny they always say guys are the ones that abuse feelings, but girls are just as bad. Thats my story, i no longer know what to do. Ive tried everything i can to deal with this but all i care about now is either revenge or beating the hell out of her 'boyfriend'. I still cant even think about them togeather or my eyes will flow. I feel so weak and helpless i cant protect myself from this. I have learned one thing though, Once and Cheater, Always a Cheater.Jon
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): Hello Jon,You are right about women being just as capable as men of acting hurtfully and abusively towards those who love them. Frequently, we hear the painful stories from women, so often; in fact, we have come to believe that only "women bleed". Your story brought up memories for me of how I misbehaved much like your girlfriend when I was young and the men I hurt. This is why I am compelled to write to you to share my hard-gained wisdom and perhaps allow you to see more deeply into why you have been drawn in to this particular, painful experience. My reasons are much like your friend who had a rough childhood and trust issues. Many girls like this cannot love because they have been so abused when they were children. Like I was, she is acting out her anger towards men and behaving promiscuously because inside she feels unlovable, even rotten to the core and is acting out unconsciously. She is too young to have insight into her own behaviour and why she keeps reinforcing her belief system that she is indeed a bad girl. A liar. A cheat. Yet, still men are drawn in to her mystery and beauty like bees to honey. If she became fully conscious of her behaviours, it would be too painful for her to bear. Instead she is projecting a mirror in you of what is really going on deep inside her. You are the mirror image of the muck deep inside her heart. It is her pain,anger, grief and longing that you feel. She doesn't have the ability at this time in her life to feel these emotions but they are there inside of her needing to be expressed, revealed and healed when she is strong enough to deal with them.Many children who have been abused have narcissistic and borderline personality tendencies because of the people who have mistreated them, who also may have these disorders. Some abused children become addicted to substances and to lovers or sex to help cover up the grief from loss of innocence, their painful memories, insecurity, low self-esteem and to fill a desperate bottomless pit need to feel loved.She will likely need to have many lovers going at once and is likely cheating on her ex and the ex before and will again and again until she is older and unable to pull in the lovers that her beauty can draw in now. When her unending source of love on the outside dries up, she will need help and realize that she has been throwing away good love, like yours, for years. Until she is able to get to know herself and to like herself she won't be able to love anyone good for her. Getting on a healing path takes a lot of courage and usually only comes about when you hit rock bottom and realize that what you are doing is not working for you anymore. The behaviours that she learned to protect her damaged sense of self will no longer work for her not that they ever really did. She will continually be drawn to men who really do not love her at all or cannot or who are distant in some way or another. She will toss away at once the ones who fall quickly in love with her and show her this love. This is because deep inside she feels that she doesn't deserve to be loved and as a result, sadly and unconsciously, she will continually prove that over and over again by behaving hurtfully as she did with you.What you must remember, Jon, is that her drama is not about you not being a great guy or in fact that she doesn't really love you. She may love you (as much as she is capable of now) and could be terrified of that intimacy, not consciously, though. What is for sure right now, is that she is in need of counseling to help her deal with her past in a more productive way than going around messing up those who haplessly fall in love with her. There is nothing more facinating for a man than a woman who doesn't seem to need him and who has other men waiting in the wings. She must seem the greater prize and this is what is also falsely bolstering her own self-esteem at your expense. When you choose a women who has emotional problems and an unhealed history of abuse, you are choosing a very difficult life for yourself. Men in this position must truly love and believe in her worth especially when she is behaving self-destructively and abusively. You will need to be very stable emotionally and mature yourself to weather the hardships she will put you through until she learns self integrity and that she is worthy of a good love. Usually by then, and sadly for her, by the time she wakes up to her own tormented reality; all the good ones will have gone on to marriages and children leaving her to rot alone with a few cats, and her sad, sordid memories for company.You on the other hand can shake yourself off, be grateful for feeling love at all. Some people go their whole lives without feeling any deep love for anyone. As far as dealing with her now, you are best to ignore her pleas for friendship. She has not proved herself a good mate. She lies, she cheats, she will continue to sleep around. You will be the one to dry her eyes and listen to her heartbreaks over and over. You will continue to be abused and exploited by her for as long as you are available to her. As long as she is behaving this way, she will be so messed up she can only bring you down. She will continue to disrespect anyone who shows her love. She will love you and hate you at the same time and yet be unable to let you go because she need you as security, as insurance against being alone. Being alone and feeling unloved are her greatest fears. If you feel you deserve a healthy friendship based on trust, respect and love, you will need to keep a clear path to your door. No one will find you very attractive if you keep this kind of wounded victim energy about you. Give yourself lots of time to heal and to grieve and to express your pain and anger in contructive ways. Then, try to figure out why you were attracted to this kind of love in the first place. When you understand why you allowed yourself to be drawn in to this unrewarding relationship, you will be better prepared next time to prevent being a victim of abuse again. I hope that you will be able to move on from this a stronger and wiser man who is filled with more compassion for himself and for those who have been abused. Be a light to others, Jon, and you will attract a higher love to yourself in time. When you are ready. Go slow. Take your time. CheersM
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (12 July 2007):
 Hi Jon,
I read your story and could feel your pain. She obviously was your first love but you will love again. You fell for her big time and in the end she hurt you with her lies. This will make you very wary of women in the future and you'll find it hard to trust them and just let go your feelings for them but trust me, you will get over this woman.
The signs were all there that she was going off the boil, you just didn't see them. When she put off coming to see you time after time that's when the alarm bells should have sounded but you didn't see it. As an outsider, reading your story I could see that she was losing interest, she just didn't want to hurt you but at the same time her feelings for you had changed, hence the reason she wanted to take her friend with her. She was in a relationship with the ex even at that time (that's my guess) she just didn't want to tell you that because she knew it would hurt you but she didn't know what or how to tell you.
Life is tough Jon, use this relationship as a learning curve, you'll probably be hurt again before you settle down and you'll also break a few hearts in the process but you need to move on now. Don't keep thinking about it all the time, say to yourself "it's her loss, she didn't deserve me" then tell yourself there is someone better out there, waiting to meet you. I have given you a link here which will help you to get over your break up. Have a read of it when you feel the time is right then move forward.
http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-a-Break-Up
Don't sit and wallow in self pity or feel hard done by, what's happened has happened and it's happened for a reason. Don't feel spiteful or hate her and don't feel you want to take revenge on her ex, this won't make her come back to you. Just accept that it wasn't meant to be. Harbouring thoughts like that will only bring more negativity your way and you don't want that. On the plus side you have seen that you CAN relax and feel good with a woman and you can talk to them about your innermost thoughts. That's a good thing, a lot of men find that very hard to do.
Remember always: You have a mind, your feelings come from your mind therefore you can control your feelings. In other words, YOU are in charge and nobody else. YOU determine the future. And you become what you THINK.
Eve
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A
female
reader, i might be a girl but i can help +, writes (12 July 2007):
 wow hun i am sorry to hear that. and yes its true guys are more known to break girls hearts more than girls to boys but u hav proven we girls do hurt you. There is no way u will be able to fully get over her as im guessin she was ur first real love and sorry to say it will stick with u 4 a long time. I really hope u get through this just take ur time and u deserve some1 special in ur life just wait till u no ur ready to try again. good luck xxxx
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