A
female
age
41-50,
*bprincess
writes:Hi,thanks for taking the time to read this..im a 33 year old gal from London, i went through a divorce 4 years ago from the father of my 2 children, until May 27th this year i was living happily with my partner of 3 years.we hit off immediately, we were totally besotted with each other..6 months after we met he moved in..we never really argued, i met his family, i loved them (he also has 2 young children) my kids adored him, i swear i used to wake up every morning and thank god for making me so happy, i felt blessed, truly like i was the luckiest girl in the world.Even my friends (who are a picky protective bunch) liked him, the only thing that slightly concerned them was his jealousy, which if im 100% honest i did not mind, it made me feel a bit more secure (as im quite insecure regarding looks etc). Anyway..we celebrated 1 year together so happy,2 years so happy, so many happy times, so much laughter and love we shared in our little home, money was (and is) tight but nothing was as important as coming home and just "being" together, i loved every part of him, i adored him, i was his without question.Things started to unravel slightly after i found a stash of porn on his computer early last year..this set off a destructive cycle of jealousy and suspicion within me. Y'see he was (is) so gorgeous..i felt like he could be anyones and i convinced myself that i wasnt worthy. Then after a particularly challanging semester at university and hard time at work i felt very low (june2008) it didnt last long but by Sept 2008 we were rocky. in fact on 2nd Oct last year i came home to find all his things gone and a note on my pillow.I was in hysterics, i rang him and begged him to come back so we could talk, he did, and moved back the same night. After that i tried so hard..i told him i loved him every day, i WORSHIPPED him, and i wasnt alone, he was great with me too..Christmas last year things started to get a bit frought again because his ex (his kids mum) wouldnt let him see the kids at all over the chrismas holidays. He kinda withdrew into himself and i could see why, he missed his kids even more so with my 2 around all the time.After new year i could feel a distance but with work so busy (for both of us) and uni and kids etc i guess neither of us paid enough attention to each other. After a particularly bad week in May, we spoke for 10 mins, he said he would move out and even though i was devastated, i agreed. All i kept thinking was if he loves me he wont walk. But he did, since then ive seen him maybe 3 times..He seems to be not seeing anyone (i broke into his voicemail a cupla times and i heard voicemails from a few women) i know its wrong and foolish but its so difficult to NOT know what hes doing, where he is, WHO he's with. I wanted to meet to talk things through..he refused to confirm any dates/times with me..so in a fit of anger i sent him back every email, evry love letter, every card, every picture..i hoped it would make me feel better but instead i felt worse.I wake up every morning feeling like death, its SUCH an effort to wake up, get dressed, i wake up at 3-4am cry for an hour before getting ready, at work i leave at luchtime, park round the block cry for 20 mins, fix my makeup and go back. As soon as im out i start crying again on the way home..im so tired, im so sad, i miss him so much..its been 21 weeks today since we broke up and im still in agony,events are happening around me which are sadder than what im going through and yet..i used to pride myself on my empathy, my ability to see past my own situation and feel for others, now it just makes me sadder for myself, i feel so selfish but at the same time i just dont care..if it wasnt for my kids i would move or..i dont know..i hate my home, i hate coming home, i miss the sound of his key, his footstep, everything..i cant cook for myself, i cant have tea alone, its like im frozen in time, i feel pathetic, i feel lost..can someone please tell me when will this pain stop, ive lost weight, i look exhausted, i cant stop crying...i have a life, 2 children to take care of how am i going to get through this?i emailed him a few days ago telling him how awful life was without him, he emailed back asking me why i bothered if i thought so little of him as to send his stuff back etc, so i emailed again, i asked him to let me know, to think long and hard and see if he felt we could try again..i specifically asked if he would let me know, to email me whatever the answer i would respect.He hasnt emailed back..although deep deep down i know its pointless to hope..i cant stop..then i freak out because i know how hard it will be to see the words "i dont love you anymore". because i still love him, so much, and i dont know how to stop.Please can someone tell me how i can start living again..?
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at work, broke up, divorce, his ex, insecure, jealous, money, moved in, porn, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sbprincess +, writes (30 October 2009):
sbprincess is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys,
after a particulary traumatic few weeks i decided to see a doctor as i felt everything spiralling out of control..he has prescribed me some anti depressants and referred me for counselling, i wish i could say that ive stopped obsessing over my ex but i havent, the one thought that constantly plays in my head is..he doesnt care..he doesnt care what hes done or how he left me..obviously he is not the man i thought he was..which makes me so sad..but thanks to all who tried to help,
s
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): you know you deserve better right? you want answers but you will not get it. sometimes you will never get closure and asking why will not bring any joy.
yes, mourn the loss of this realtionship and slowly move on. he is not your world and don't make him. he is the kind of man that you should run from, instead of running to. just count yourself lucky that you do not have to deal with his cheating anymore. make a list of all the things yo are \blessed to have. start with being alive, having the 2 kids, and not with a cheater. you will be amazed what yo write down.
take it easy. you will slowly heal. but to heal you must cut off ALL contact with him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 October 2009):
It's not ridiculous. You're hurting because someone you loved has hurt you. Spend a lot of time on yourself and love yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. He's the one who wanted to play the field, not you.
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A
female
reader, sbprincess +, writes (17 October 2009):
sbprincess is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys, first of thanks to those who took the time to reply, your kind words have helped on some level..just a quick update it turns out that he cheated on me, with this girl who is...well everything im not..(and not in a good way) shes abit cheap if im honest, and thats putting it mildly.. he has since been seeing her and 3 others so it seems quite apparent that really he just wants to play the field (hes 39!!!) and doesnt want to settle down, how do i feel now? Worse, i just wish i knew why, why me? why did he cheat? what was wrong with us? why didnt he just leave when he fell out of love? im so hurt, so confused and i desperately want ansers to questions that i know im not going to get..i want to hate him i really do, but instead i find myself pining, yearning for him, even though hes proved himself unworthy of my love, i still want him, how ridiculous is that??
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 October 2009):
You will get there :). Stay strong. You've been vert hurt and it will take time. But you will get there. Continue with counsellins and such, and just keep going. You'll be okay.
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A
female
reader, sbprincess +, writes (4 October 2009):
sbprincess is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have signed up for counselling, i had hypnotherapy to calm myself down, but now its worse than ever because he hasnt replied, he hasnt said if we are worth that one last try or not..and thats so sad, reality is i should hate him for not respecting me enough to answer, but i dont..i just miss him, my memories are overpowering and overwhelming, EVERYTHING reminds me of us, i hate this, i hate my life, i wish i was 3 years ago, or 2 or even last year, i dont want a future without him..reading what i wrote im disturbed that i sound just like a young girl, im not i should know better but lifes just too crap right now for me to see it. I dont expect to feel better, but im sick of feeling like this
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A
female
reader, loops +, writes (2 October 2009):
Hi.
First of all im sorry for your loss.- seems a bit strong saying that doesnt it but it is a grieving process, and its no line that it does take time.
Secondly, youve probably already figured this out but what your doing will not help either you or him. By calling/texting/emailing constantly your pushing him further away from you- cos you will look like the crazy womna, and your adding to your rejection everytime he doesnt respond. Obsessing about him is actually stopping you from getting any further, either improving your relationship and starting again, or moving from him. I think after 21 weeks you may need to seek help to talk about your feelings and work through them or you are going to end up obsessing for a long time. Your children need you, and you need yourself and if you carry on obsessing about this guy your not going to get any further either way.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 October 2009):
Hi.
Nobody here can tell you when the pain is going to stop. It will stop when you're ready for it to stop. It will take time to get it all together again. You're not pathetic, or sad, or selfish at all. You're hurt. There's a big difference. You do seem to have reacted very badly to this, so I would suggest that you set time aside to see a counsellor. Weight loss os serious, as is tiredness, because they are signs of depression and you children will need a healthy mummy. I am sorry you got hurt so much, but I can say that if you spend time just going through all those feelings with someone who can help you understand them, you'll begin to feel better. They'll help you move on from the past and see the future. All the best.
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