A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband has a very fiery temper and when he gets angry he can be very rude and swear and shout and insult me, calling me 'thick' and a 'bitch' etc .. I have told him so many times that this hurts me and upsets me but the next time we argue it just happens again. He obviously feels able to speak to me like this because I have let him and I find it hard to ignore him for longer than a few days because it makes me miserable and stressed to be angry with him. I feel I have lost a battle with him here and it is making me miserable and getting to the point where I feel it is damaging me. What do I have to do to actually make him stop doing this? I feel as though maybe I will have to split up with him for a while. The other thing is, that I am quite soft hearted and I really take the things he says to heart and every time this happens, it really upsets me badly. Some of my friends, who have similar with their husbands, say I should just let it wash over me 'like water off a duck's back' and just 'rise above it'. He usually starts the arguments because he is moody and gets into bad moods. I want to be treated gently really and I feel like this is really getting to me. He just seems to ignore me and it is getting worse. He thinks he can speak to me however he wants and it is the content of what is saying that hurts me more than the anger. His criticism is constant and I feel like I am withering away inside so am very distressed.Why can't I be tougher, like the two friends I mentioned? One of them in particular, when her husband does this, she just tells him to shut up and ignores him until he speaks to her first. I feel as though I am too soft - I don't like arguments but now I feel as though there is something wrong with me because I can't seem to toughen up to the way he is during an argument and he picks arguments a lot. I actually feel broken hearted when he says those things, which may sound ridiculous but he knows it hurts me yet he continues to do it. I think he is having a mid life crisis anyway and is angry with all sorts of things. He is ten years older than me and sometimes makes me fill like I am a little girl. He also picks arguments over the phone and will be rude then as well. His attitude is that I either accept him how he is, or leave and he refuses to get counselling or therapy. In addition, I have met a man at work, who is gentle and kind and we are just friends but I am tempted to flirt with him because I just crave some tenderness which I no longer get from my angry husband. It is wearing me out emotionally. Any comments would be gratefully received. Thanks for your time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Totally agree with Irish's advice as I unfortunately was in an abusive marriage just similar to what you describe and I did succumb to seeing another man. This was the worst mistake ever as I then had two rubbish relationships and my self esteem was ruined. It took a long time to recover. My advice to you is only spend a certain, defined amount of time more in your life trying to 'correct' or accomodate this mans behaviour. Making it your job to make him better is not your lifes purpose. Think carefully about the time you have already wasted and whether you want to go on like this - and for how long. When I was married everyone expected me to put up with it all. When I went on a counselling course (for my own benefit) everyone thought I was doing it to learn how to help my husband. Don't forfeit your own life otherwise you are changing yourself to tread carefully around someone else who is wrong and disrespectful. I think what I'm saying is.... there comes a point when the relationship really shouldn't be that much hard work. I hope you find happiness.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Hi, thank you for your replies. I am realising more and more that he sees himself as inadequate and as having failed so he projects his stuff onto me. I am coming to a crunch point now and trying to gather the strength to stick up to him. I've noticed that the stronger I get (and I have been trying to be lately) the more he feels out of control and he seems to push the boundaries. However I ignored him for nearly 2 weeks recently and he seemed to back down a bit and although he was still verbally a bit stroppy it came across as weaker. I will read your comments again and work out how to take this forward. I have referred myself to a counsellor and am just waiting for them to send me the assessment for. Thanks again. x
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A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (19 February 2008):
You are in a cycle of domestic violence. The emotional abuse you are experiencing the name calling is a tool he uses to manipulate you emotionally. Why does he do it? Because he feels ENTITLED. There are many forms of domestic violence, ie physical, hitting, punching,slapping,biting, throwing you or objects at you, choking. EMOTIONAL namecalling such as slut, bitch, whore, slag, hopeless,useless etc. SOCIAL preventing you from seeing family and friends, monitoring your phone calls emails text messages, telling you who you can see and what you can talk to them about, isolating you from your family, humiliating and embarrassing you in front of others. FINANCIAL leaving you with little money and controlling money coming into the house, refusing to give you an allowance for groceries, spending your money, SEXUAL MAKIng you do anything sexual you do not wish to do. SPIRITUAL refusing to allow you to practise your faith, admonishing you for not having his faith. The fact that he says he is not going to change is an indication to me that he is ABUSIVE and CONTROLLING. His tool to dominate and exert his power and control over you is emotive and he argues with you because he is ABUSIVE. Please get yourself to a domestic violence crisis centre and get some domestic violence counselling. Your friends that tell their husbands to shut up don't have the husband that you have because they are not CONTROLLING. If you told your husband to shut up I bet he would not and would up the ante. The cycle of violence is the build up phase,or intimidation phase, the explosion ie the arguement, then comes the sorry phase, then the buyback phase where he promises to change and then the honeymoon phase where he convinces you it's all in your head and you are over reacting then you are back to the intimidation phase and the cycle continues. No wonder why you feel so drained you are like a hamster on a wheel at the the hands of this man. Have a look at what RCN has to say on this matter. I am a domestic violence support worker and work in a women's shelter and I have to say you are in danger of further abuse unless you activate a safety plan, get some counselling, and seek some alternative accomodation. It will only get worse. You deserve to be treated with respect. You are a beautiful woman worthy of love and respect from a partner who will treat you as his equal not his rag doll. Get some support for yourself. You are in dv.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 You have allowed him to be that way by not putting your foot down .Once you allow him to mentally and emotionally abuse you, it will form a pattern and it will progressively get worse in time. You will feel alone , powerless and frightened of him.
You need to be assertive , create boundaries and respect yourself.If you do not stand up to him , you will not get his respects.
Hell has no fury like a woman scorned. Many men know that.When you have shown your meanness and anger and what havoc it can bring , he will submit and be cowed..LOL!
You have fallen into the trap of giving up your personal power to win approval of his loves and approvals.
Prepare for an eventuality of living on your own and stock up what you need for the coming war with him when it breaks out again.
If you know a war is imminent, then you need to be fully prepared for a long war . You want to win this war, then you need to fight him on your terms.
He will not listen to gentle words.He is not responsible for anything he says and you cannot discuss with him as his mind is only a one way street. Only wants to tell you and never accepts what comes from you.
He can only understand power plays and manipulative actions or arm twisting s.
Leaving him on his own will make him realize that he has treated you badly and he needs to change.
He may appear fierce but inside of him is a little scared boy. He is insecure and he is hiding under that mask of abuse.
You need to restore the power balance in your relationship.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Would just like to say WOW... Irish49 said it all right there... Nothing more to add.
You hang in there and if I were you I'd read and read and re-read Irish49's reply.
Best of luck and let us know how you get on. You take care!
:)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Your husband sounds like a troubled man and he needs some serious work. Possibly some anger management help and some counselling. But he's refusing. And here you are, tolerating this disrespect and emotinal lashing out. I don't blame you for being angry and resentful, it's with good reason. Your resentment is a clear signal. You need to be aware of your resentful feelings and respect them. Over the past years, you have coped..likely hoping he might change his controlling behaviours but there is a type of person who controls through criticism and anger. And people like this do not change deeply ingrained patterns. I don't know if he'll ever get with the program, hun.
So what do you do. You've already started, dear. You are questioning things; questioning his behavior; identifying his verbal and emotional painful lobs at you, as being abuse. For starters, you are realizing his failings are his, and there is nothing you can do to remedy his crap. You have no control over him. But you can get to a counselor yourself and learn how to empower your life and your sense of self, by being taught to set some tough boundries with this man. You can take back your power in this marriage, if, in fact you still choose to be in this marriage at all. If you make the decision to end this marriage, I wouldn't blame you. Either your husband makes some attempts at respecting and honoring you more, or you will have to 'save' your sanity and get the hell out of there. It might be a good idea to visit a good lawyer and get some good legal advice. As for the gentle man you like. As long as you are married, this is inappropriate behavior. You are vulnerable and weakened emotionally to the kind, nice attentions of any man, because you are needy due to the abuse you have endured. Don't go there. You need to be strong and not allow yourself to be seduced, here. You are hurting and may be simply fantasizing about life with this other man. Don't bring your baggage into the life of a man who treats you well. I always tell people, nothing good comes of infidelity to mask one's pain. That is unfair and very selfish. You have some big decisions to make about your marriage. I would sit and tell your husband, that some big changes are needed on his part to keep this marriage intact. See where it goes from there. Good luck to you. Stay strong and I'm with you all the way!
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 I know exactly how you feel. I hate it when my boyfriend cusses or criticizes me because only the people I love can hurt me the most and influence the way I think about myself. I think that you should sit him down when he's calm and tell him how much this is tearing you up and tell him that if he can't act like a big boy and not speak in anger, then you will leave him because it sounds like you need to leave him. Don't let this wash off the duck's back. If you let this go on, then it might escalate to something like physical abuse. He'll see how you're taking his insults and verbal abuse and he'll try to get away with more. Life is too short to waste on unhappiness. Do you want to die tomorrow not knowing if you could have had something so much better with someone else? I wouldn't want to.
Do what you need to do to be happy because being happy is so rare that you can't just give up the chance because you are afraid.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Hi,
First and foremost don't get involved with the person from your work. It will only makes things worse for you until you can sort your problems out.
Secondly, as your husband won't go to counselling with you , I suggest you take a break for a while. Is there someone you can move in with - a relative perhaps?
Maybe all he needs is a wakeup call to realise that he is throwing away his marriage by treating you like this.
good luck.
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