A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is there a site where professional women can talk about their lives with blue-collar husbands? I heard something about that on 20/20 or something, but I really didn’t catch more detailed info. When I got married in my early 20s I was a junior at a company working my behind off to make it to the top. Now I’m an executive and my husband is still in an entry level position in his company making ‘bout half less than I. At first I thought it was okay, he makes up for it in the bed, around the house, etc. Not anymore. I love him, but I’m not IN love with him – even though I try. I try so hard but he always disappoints me. He never stands up for me, only to me. I truly don’t mind that he makes less than me, that I come home to cook and serve him dinner after a hard day of work. I don’t mind I love him. BUT he just has no goals in life. I introduced him to x,y,z activity for a hobby and his health and now he loves it. But he just about idolizes his hobby. He never makes any important decisions. The last one is that we were over charged $1,000.00 on a home project and he is petrified to confront the contractor. I left him all the information he need to talk to the contractor and he called me right away asking me to just put it in writing -so he wouldn’t have to talk. I said that I would, but that it is too late because the guy was already at our house. I left work early and ran home. When I got there in the drive way just reading body language I knew my husband was loosing; per say. He was slouching as a little kid that had gotten in trouble with his parents or a principal. He was look down, never at the eyes. As I walked closer I immediately saw a change in the contractor’s body language. He stopped being so intimidating to my husband and I was now intimidating him. I’m a very confident, professional woman in my late 20s. I had a learn to be that way or people would walk all over me. So not even 2 minutes into the conversation. The contractor and I, and he had agreed to pay us back. Then he gets mad at me. WHY? I’m so sad I cry. How can he stand up TO me but not FOR me? This isn’t the first time. It is time after time after time. I don’t know how to get my husband to MAN up. He’s not gay, I’ve asked him. I know wrong move but I was upset. He does make me laugh a lot, but he doesn’t seem to take life seriously and he is close to 5yrs my senior. We are going to the doctor to try to have children and he misses important doctor appointments because he slept in etc. This is why close to 10yrs ago when we got married; I decided not to have kids with him –JUST YET. I wanted to make sure he would be a good dad. I know he will, even if he’s not the perfect husband. tear. Am I the only one with a problem that should just keep it to myself and suck it up? Or is there a problem here that he is not seeing? I have suggested marital counseling and he just disregards it. I have suggested a confidence class and I sugar coated as much as possible and he still got mad. I just don’t know what else to do. Suggestions? Comments?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): I think you and I are married to the same man! I have begun to think I was the only one in the world with a husband like this. I haven't actually asked him if he was gay, but I seriously think it all the time! I often wonder if he's one of those guys that just couldn't face the fact that he was so he is pretending to be heterosexual. He recently failed so miserably to defend me that it caused me to loose a job that I dearly loved, and now after climbing that ladder for almost ten years I am starting all over again! No matter how lovingly I try to explain what I need from him it's as though he doesn't want to hear it so he just dismisses it. I could go on forever...but you asked for solutions, and I haven't found one yet.
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 I have never met anyone who is able to colour in 360 degrees of a circle. Most people have around 60 degrees they are unable to colour. Of course it's different segments. Sometimes it's a large segment. In others it's sixty different degrees from all around the circle. You choose what is important to you in a partner. Some people choose wisely. Some don't and have to start over again. But trying to change people is a mistake.
Richard
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Try telling him what you LOVE about him rather than what he's doing wrong. TELL him you think he's gorgeous, TELL him he makes you laugh. That alone will give him confidence. And if he does make a decision about something, no matter how small then praise him for it and let him know you appreciated it. That way he'll WANT to do more for you.
Regarding the housework, he maybe just doesn't see it as "his place" to tidy up, do chores etc. so you need to tell him that you work too and you'd really appreciate it if he took out the trash, vacuumed the carpet, etc. If you give him a specific task then he'll do it, don't just collaborate everything together as in "I wish you would help with the housework", be more specific and don't say COULD you take the trash out for me" Of course he could, he's not thick! Better you say WOULD you take the trash out for me when you have a minute. That way he'll do it! How you say things to a man makes a big difference. Talk TO them not AT them!
Eve
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): He could be bit a bit lazy as well cos he is used to you sorting everything out. Mixture of things really. Hope you get to the bottom of what you really need. Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Hi I answered before (the long answer from female anon) and I've just read your other response. He's out of order re the housemaid cos you work hard and why should you spend your precious spare time cleaning when you can afford to get someone to help you (unless you enjoy cleaning - some people say the find it therapeutic) and now you mention his looks, that puts a slightly different perspective on things because he may well feel that his looks alone entitle him to do what he wants! He needs to understand that looks alone don't make a man really. I would assert myself re getting a housekeeper. It sounds as though he expects you to look after him and mother him in return for him being handsome, funny and sexy in bed. It sounds as though you need some mental stimulation from him as well, in which case, no wonder he is avoiding counselling because during counselling he would have to face up to not pulling his full weight emotionally and intellectually - just because he is not a high flier does not mean he cannot make some effort to engage with you intellectually. You DON'T sound like a bi*tch at all, you just sound frustrated with your husband! Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): I have read through the replies below and there is a lot of good stuff there. My husband is a bit of a wimp at dealing with people although he will rant and rave in private to me about the incompetence of x, y, or z, he won't do anything about it. Being assertive does not come naturally or easily to some people and it's not pre-requisite for men. I am 40 yrs old with two student children and I very assertive (have had to be really during my life) and I do find that sometimes it is exhausting having to be a bit of a 'battleaxe' just to get simple things done! There is a lot of incompetence and apathy about (as well as a lot of competence also but you know what I mean!). My daughter (21 yrs old) said to me the other day 'I had to pretend to be YOU to actually get something DONE' at the bank - because of her age they were taking advantage and she was getting nowhere, so she left the branch, phoned up the main number, got through to someone else pretended to be me and got a result within 2 minutes!!!! Some people immediately sense that someone is a big soft and they get straight in there and take advantage - that contractor is probably very canny and deals with different people all the time and saw your hubby coming! Other people also have some responsibility not to take the piss out of soft/weak people. I think with you being so competent and assertive, it is probably making him a bit worse because he is used to you handling everything with ease. One of my cousins is pretty useless at dealing with builders/insurance companies etc because she was brought up by two formidable women, my Grandmother and my Aunt and they steam in and get everything done with a remarkable physical and psychological energy that leaves everyone around them feeling exhausted and like they've been metaphorically battered with their handbags and I was terrified of them when I was small (but they are actually really nice and have hearts of gold). The result is that my cousin bursts into tears at the slightest problem and defers all builders (she was having building work done at her house) to my Aunt.Assertive people like us can feed the problem without knowing it. My daughter has only just started to be more assertive now that she is renting away from home at college during the week because I am not there to do everything and to be honest it is a relief to me to sit back and let her do stuff.Your husband sounds like a nice man but he probably feels pretty undermined by you. Regarding the 'are you gay?' comment that was unnecessary but I know how it can be in the heat of the moment. I have said to my husband 'are you a man or a mouse' and I think he resents me for it still, actually. Also remember that if you get with a high flier alpha male type, he may well be competitive with you and this can cause problems in itself. You married him so presumably you loved him then. You say he is good in bed, good around the house and makes you laugh, which is actually rather lovely. If you don't need the extra money why push him to do something he doesn't want. Maybe let him seek out his own hobbies and find his own path a bit. Two stressed out executives in the the house could cause more problems than it solves.He does sound a bit weak (like my husband) but then no one is perfect and after all the cheating and mentally abusive men I've read about on here, I'm beginning to wonder ...! I DO think it is unreasonable of him not to consider some marriage counselling because that can really work wonders. My husband sticks up TO me but does not stick up to anyone else and he does not stick up FOR me unless he is sticking up for me about somebody else in which case he sticks up FOR me (behind their back) TO me, if you see what I mean! These are the hallmarks of a man who is basically nice but a bit weak and possibly a bit selfish. I understand your frustrations too but I know from my own experience, the strong assertive woman (like me) can be a lot to handle for such a man. Equally I know lots of assertive successful men who cheat on their wives because they have the money and opportunity to sleep with women who are attracted to their power. It's not so much about his job - he could be a handyman and still be a strong assertive male in his own right. It's the features of his personality that annoy you I think. Sorry if this is so long - God you're probably propping your eyes open with matchsticks here!! ..... I just kind of went with the flow and spoke as it came to me, so hopefully after reading all this there might be one or two things you can take from it, of use. I agree with the poster who said to think this through. I'd approach it carefully, try talking to him and if you are really not happy, see if having a trial break helps and I would definitely see if I could get him to agree to marriage guidance but maybe find a way of letting him think it was his idea!!! When he shouts at you he is letting out his own frustrations at feeling a bit inadequate and he might think you are so tough you can take anything and not get upset but as us tough ladies know, we have our own facades and can be soft underneath. Anyway good luck and take care xx
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Great advice from Collaroy. And he's right: your comments do enlighten a lot. You want a man, not just a male.
Your husband looks like a Rip Van Winkle, in modern version. Not only does he avoid problems, he has no ambitions. I understand why that has got to you.
You may try, with infinite patience, to make him see why he has to stand up for himself. But I'm not sure he ever will. He needs to be convinced of that, and he needs the internal motivation to do it. Maybe he won't get it.
I suppose he was raised by controlling parents, who taught him to be "nice". I don't think he will ever be as assertive as other men naturally are, but he can improve. That said, it's a gamble. You don't know if or when that is going to happen.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Hi again,
thanks for the further info, it explains a lot.
I guess what most people are going to advise is you either put up with it or leave for different pastures.
Your man sounds like a bit of a Himbo if you ask me, you have all the benefits of a good looking great lover, but then you do all the housework and bring in all the money.
Some would see that as a fair trade, maybe for succesfull women in their 40's who have everything but miss some romance in their lives. Bu you are still young so you must be wondering if this is going to be like this for the rest of your life? You could start by being a little more assertive yourself, he wont let you employ a housemaid? Then stop cooking him dinner and cleaning up after him - tell him that you are sick of doing all the work in the house and you are employing a maid whether he likes it or not.
Other than that, I feel as you are so young that unless these problems sort themselves out they are only going to get worse. But good luck anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): First I want to thank you for your time in replying to me.I know people would think _ oh she has money and she’s a b*tch and now wants an executive for hers etc, but that’s not the case. I do love him. I married him because I knew he would always make me laugh which he has. And yes, it is of extreme importance to me; to still be laughing.He’s as good as it gets. He’s very sweet and awfully kind hearted and on looks… well lest just say he leaves any executive in the dust. A lo Brad Bitt w/dark hair if you will ^_^. The weird thing is that he is not shy; on the contrary, he is actually rather gregarious. What HURTS me, that I see as a problem is that he has never stood up for me. He just tries to avoid conflict at all cost with anyone about anything. Pretty admirable compared to bullies in bars, but there are exceptions and a time and place for everything. As newlyweds his dad once disrespected me in our house and my husband did nothing. At a supermarket once a man disrespected me yet again he did nothing. I argued with the man and my husband just stood there, behind me mute. I was flabbergasted! I wanted him to jump in and save me. Damsel in distress my as-paragus! I’m physically blessed and people seem to think that because I’m pretty I’m dumb or can take advantage of me. That’s where I learned that I had to be a tough cookie if I was going to get anywhere and taken seriously. And unfortunately that’s also where I learned that my husband would not stand up for me. As a wife I want my husband be my protector – not to be confused with a father. I bought the cars we own, the houses we own, planned vacations we have taken, every big decision that married couples do together, I’ve had to do it on my own. He just leaves it up to me. He’s older then me so I ask him, but then I’m nagging if I ask again. Never has he taken the reins in anything in our relationship. So I end up doing it all and it’s tiring. I am exhausted. He won’t let me hire a maid, but he won’t help me with the things around the house?! I feel I give and give and I don’t mind because I want to be happily married and work at it, but what’s his part? When does he put his part? Oh and no I don’t care to date any executive at my job or anywhere. I do however, wish my husband had SOME itsy bitsy little bit of leadership in him.Would I date him if I were single? Well… we really don’t have anything in common except for what we have together now and watching movies and that he is gorgeous. That’s a tough one. I really don’t know. Not to sound like a b*tch, but sometimes I wonder if I married looks. I know I shouldn’t have asked him about being gay and all I just blew up. And you’re right I too have gay friends that are beyond assertive. However, it was a very heated quarrel and I apologized and we’ve never brought that up again he is the world’s greatest lover.. Thanks again for all your replies.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (19 February 2008):
I'm with good Bemused and Ponungalungb, and also with Collaroy's final paragraph. You either take him as he is, or leave him. I don't think you would succeed in changing him. Maybe he's been this way all the time and it's only know that you're noticing, but, anyways, it's too late to think about changes.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Wow, this question is really complex, as bemused said. You asked for comments and suggestions, so I'm just going to write to you off the top of my head.
I think all any of us want is unconditional love, but as we get older, we develop expectations and tie showing affection to our loved ones with how we think they should be behaving.
It sounds to me that he knows he's been letting you down on what you expect of him; the contractor confrontation was probably just the latest example of where you set him a task he didn't feel up to and was certain to fail. I often have the same issue with my husband--since I'm the one to deal with the plumber or the painter or whichever service guy is fixing something broken. I'm not good at challenging them and he knows this, but it does fall to me to have the interaction. I will ask him to speak with the contractor if I really need to. I HATE confrontation and being perceived as miserly or a bitch or what have you by the contractors; I expect by the time I'm 70 I'll have it down but right now it's hard.
Again remember this is just off the top of my head.
It was a bit nasty of you to ask if he was gay because he couldn't "man up;" I have lots of gay friends who are perfectly assertive and can handle whatever life throws at them. I don't think that was very nice of you; you were challenging his sexual orientation on something that has nothing to do with that subject.
Not making important decisions, well, if you are second-guessed or derided for a decision you did make often enough, and if you are reminded that you are not the primary breadwinner often enough, you might just stop making the decisions because it's not worth the hassle of defending whatever choice you made.
Your man may have a self-esteem problem, it certainly sounds like that to me, but he's going to have to be the one to tackle that, if he wants to. Feeling like he's not living up to your expectations could take a lot of the energy out of him, if he's reminded about them daily.
I'm pretty sure he's not happy with himself or the way you are showing you feel about him at the moment, but I don't know that for sure.
I don't really have much advice to offer, other than for you to try to remember why you married him in the first place. He makes you laugh, he's decent in bed and around the house.
And finally, if you are really unhappy, you can start seeing a marriage counselor without him and let him know he's welcome to come with you. Maybe that would be enough for him to start counseling with you...
All the best, and do let us know how you get on....
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (19 February 2008):
 He is probably satisfied with his life as it is and doesn't see what you see. If your husband was busting his tail in order to climb the corporate ladder as you did, you and he would probably never see each other. For you to ask him if he is gay is totally disrespectful. He probably feels emasculated as it is. To bring his sexual preference into question is about as low as you can go.
Get off your high horse and either except him as he is or tell him you're going to find the brass ring on your own. Don't be surprised when you find that brass ring how hollow it is.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (19 February 2008):
Hi,
Initially I was thinking that you are being very superficial by criticising his earning power. But that would be a little harsh as your concerns are real and need to be addressed.
First, has your husband always been this submissive to others or has this behaviour become more prevalent as you have become more succesful. Some men take a back seat when their partners become more assertive feeling that there is no room for two very assertive people in a relationship.
but you say he makes you laugh, still after all these years, for a lot of people that is one of the most important things in a relationship.
Is it a case of you see the men you work with being very assertive and you wonder why your husband can be like them?
The other poster was right, you could dump him and hook up with a fellow corporate exec - a guy who is used to being assertive but also used to treating people like dirt in order to rise to the top. I only have to look on the faces of the women driving their BMW X 5's in my neighbourhood to know that none of them have cracked a smile in years. They are not so happy with their assertive husbands.
But to me, this boils down to if his behaviour changed over the years as you became more succesful. Perhaps he feels intimidated by you and is withdrawing further into his shell. You could help here by reassuring him and not focusing on your desire to see him set himself goals. Not everyone lives by this dictum and not everyone feels a buring desire to be succesful in their work lives - a lot of people are happy just to get their paycheck and then go home to their loved ones - the people that really matter in their lives .
I guess, its just a case of whether you can live with this or not? If he has always been like this then you have to decide whether you want an assertive partner or one who will make you laugh.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 A tough complex question. You say you are in your late twenties and married ten years so was he your high school sweetie. You sound ambitious and that is good. It sounds as if you do not accept him as he is and people it is difficult for people to change past a certain time. Sounds like you may feel now that he is 'beneath' you and I am guessing that he picks up on this and responds accordingly. Would you pick him now if you were single or would you be attracted to a fellow executive...questions you need to ask yourself. You say you pride yourself on your assertiveness in the business world but you also say this guy makes you laugh...important. You asked him if he was gay and that probably hurt him. Does he have integriy...is he kind. Some of those executive types are not all sweetness and light. A friend of mine left her honest real working guy husband for a high flying ex and it was a disaster but she hurt the first guy too much and he would not return.
The way I see it you accept him for who he is or be big enough to let him go so he can find a better fit for him and you too can find someone who better suits you. Think this one through though...once you let him go he will be gone. Listen to your heart..it will tell you. Good luck and keep us posted xx
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