A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m beginning to feel out of my depth and holding onto hope. A long term male friend and I have been talking for a long time about upgrading our already close friendship to something more. We have been intentionally taking things slow (for personal reasons) but agreed that we were moving towards a relationship and enjoying each little step along the way. The lines which separated “friendship” to “more” became blurry. Unfortunately, things changed recently and he doesn’t want to pursue things anymore – his reason being that he loves me deeply and doesn’t want to risk things not working out in the way that we hoped. Needless to say, I’ve been pretty upset and struggling to give up on my dreams which involve him. It’s also hard to relate to him as a “friend” when my heart sees him as more. Any advice? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 March 2015):
 You have the right to set boundaries and take care of yourself.
and saying to him, "I don't think I can dial back our relationship or my feelings but I will try and I will remain fiends with you as long as I can"
THEN the only rule is NO PHYSICAL contact and no romantic contact or flirting. Treat him like you treat grandma. with respect and fondness and admiration. Nothing more.
I think Cindy is spot on... and with time as your love of him fades you will either be able to resume a pure friendship or you will be strong enough to walk away from him.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 March 2015):
 You won't like my advice, but... it is so hard to relate as a friend to someone you are actually in love with... in fact it is not a true friendship at all !, it 's a stilted, stunted, one-sided romance -that I would not even try ( to relate ). What will you do if ( or when ? ) your " friend " ... finds a girl , with whom he is less friend, so he can go out with her, date her and have sex with her,... sort of under your nose ?
I am not saying that you should go no contact, just like that - ( although, it would give you time and ease to leck your wounds and recoup ). But at least, if you don't want to cut all ties- don't treat hom as a special friend. No daily updates / convos, just keep in touch loosely. No dateish one-on-one outings, limit your frequentation to group outings and social events. And so on and so forth.
Moreover, pardon skeptical, cynical me- but to me it sounds as this guy, consciously or not, is feeding you an old line- A variation of " I don't want to risk our friendship " and " I love you but I am not in love with you " combined.
He does not want to pursue a r/ship with you- because it could also not work out ? Pleeeease. This is not as an in love, emotionally invested person thonks and acts. Love is also about taking risks, at least reasonable risks ; it does not mean,hopefully, one would date a serial killer just because " they have feelings " , but, well, OF COURSE any relationship can go wrong ar some point, and people who love " deeply " are willing to do all they possibly can to avoid this
" going wrong " ... and in the meantime to run the risk anyway. People would NEVER get together if everybody should only bet on 100% safe bets !
I think what he means is ,that he loves you " deeply " as a person,for your good qualities ...but not in "that " way. You sound good together on paper, maybe, but there's not enough spark, not enough chemistry for him to make you his romantic partner.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (6 March 2015):
Give it some time, maybe even he needs to figure it out what he really wants. Hurrying up right now is something you need to avoid. I know its difficult right now, but just be patient and figure this out.
Good luck.
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