A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I ve met my boyfriend 2 years ago and since then we are a couple. I am a widow with 2 teenage daughters. My husband passed away suddenly at the age of 52 from heart attack 6 years ago. He was 16 years older than me and a love of my life, and we still missed him terribly. Though we were never rich, my husband worked for a government for many years, and I had a chance to stay home with my children, though I had an accounting degree. When he passed away, we got a pension of 1800$ till kids turn 18. That allowed us to keep the house we live in now. This year my oldest turned 18 and now we are getting half of the money which is 900$. Immediately after my husband 's death I started working. In a field I am in, I am not paid much, just enough to cover bills, food, basics. My daughters both working, making minimum wage, but it pays their clothes, gas money and little outings. We live very modestly, and I never asked my boyfriend to help me with anything. Not that he ever offered. Now my daughter needs a car as hers was bought for 400$ and it really is not a car but just garbage. I am afraid for her safety. I am looking to spend around 5k which I don't have, and she can't possibly afford to pay car payments and car insurance with her wages. I am thinking and thinkingon how to afford that car for her, and then my thoughts started to wonder toward my boyfriend. Before I am judged and told that it's not my place to expect anything from him, and it's not his job to support me, or he is not obligated to do so, let me say this, yes, i do agree , it's not his duty to do so. BUT, he says he loves me, and I am the best thing that happened to him, and he wants to spend with me his whole life, and at the same time, when he hears our discussions about a car, he pretends like he is absent. He knows it's a struggle for me, and nevertheless he doesn't even think of offering me a bit of help. Background on my boyfriend: he is a very well off man. He was born into the rich family. His family was in business for more than 50 yearsHe is the only child, as his only sibling died at a young age. His house is paid off I know that for sure, he drives a very nice car, in fact he has 2 very nice cars. He went on a trip with his father to invest some money, and he told me recently that that deal fell through and the business lost almost 300K. When I heard that I couldnt believe it. I understand that it's not my business, but if we are talking about only lose of 300k which judging by his expression was not that big of a deal, how much of a loss would be to pay 5k for my daughters car. I don't know may be I am wrong, but to be in his position and not offering any help to me despite the fact that he hears these conversation all the time around him, what can I make of it? That he is cheap, inconsiderate, or doesn't care about me seriously? I know I could ask him, but in my mind he knows the story, this is an ongoing story. He himself had to pick my daughter up few times because her car broke down, and be so aloof, I just don't understand. When we went on vacation few times, he paid for most of the trip, but that's because he wanted to go himself and wanted a companion. Trips were usually very outdoorsy with camping and frequent mile use on airtickets, and I spent money on food also. So, that was not a big expence for him. I think more and more about this, and feel like I built resentment toward him. Any opinions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): I think it is wrong for you to feel this way. Your daughter is an adult woman. Even wealthy biological fathers usually feel that ADULTS should support themselves.
I think you are being very unreasonable and your own jealousy out of differences in backgrounds is completely skewing your view.
He has not offered because he does not want to be USED- nor should he be!
She can save up for a car like every other adult in the world.
Why are YOU so resentful of his wealth?
If he is caring enough to go pick up YOUR daughter when her car breaks down he sounds like a good man. If he is paying for things for YOU and YOUR vacations together, he sounds like a good man.
You sound selfish and resentful.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 March 2015):
 Cindy that's a good point. I know my husband would not have been with me as a spouse or committed partner if I was not very far removed from raising the babies. Mine were in their 20s and out of the house when we met but he does not like children much and does not ant to ever be responsible for children.
He accepts what we do now as parents and will accept grand parenting (god willing) as necessary but on a day to day basis he wanted NO responsibility for MY children.
Good Point.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 March 2015):
 I just had a flash of intuition... for which I am going to be thrown rocks and rotten tomatoes at :).... but, hear me out please .
Has anybody thought that maybe the reason why this gentleman is committed but uncommitted... in love but dragging his feet ...is PRECISELY because the OP has dependants , living at home and in need of moral and material assistence ?. OP, I know that your daughters are your pride and your joy, and you would never see them as " baggage " in a million years, but, they MAY feel like baggage even to a GOOD man. And even to a good, RICH man. Human nature is selfish , flawed and imperfect, and most people , rich and poor, is not super keen of taking on responsibilities and committments which do not belong to them to begin with. On principle. Being able to afford it has got very little to do with that.
That's, for instance, what went on with a cousin of mine ( she, in the role of your Bf I guess ). She was a divorcee' in her late 40's when she met the right man. He was same age and divorced as well. They both fell in love quickly, they both knew what they wanted, they both were serious from the beginning. They both had two daughters each, the only difference was that my cousins', being a bit older, were already launched in a good career and with a stable partner, while his were younger and in high school , or early college.
So, these two people were mature, free ,available, working professionals... and they kept just dating, and everybody kept asking " Well, but what are you waiting for ...?"( making it permanent )
My cousin was always very candid about it :" I am waiting for his daughters to be settled, or reasonably settled at least, and the least likely as possible to be "underfoot " for our couple. I don't want to pool our financial resources... for then finding out that said resources , rather than going into a nice vacation for us, or new furniture for US, or a new car for US... are to be channeled into some "emergency" for his daughters, and have to have long ,awkward debates about what constitutes a " real " emergency, what is a " want " and what is a NEED instead .I don't want to have to suddenly take in a step-daughter who's going through some roommate drama, or boyfriend drama, etc.. " So she did ; she only got married when they were 53 or thereabout , and his older daughter had gotten married herself ,while the younger one had finished her education and got a decent job. ( In case you are curious, yes, they are still happily married now, about 15 years later ).
It's not that she wanted his girls out of their life, or anything like that- let's say she was practicing prevention, or damage control. Dad is always dad, he is and will be there if needs be- but, in case the "need " is something similar to your daughter's current need- there's someone else who can step in, a spouse, or a good indipendent paycheck !, to fall on,- not just the parent or step-parent.
Now, I am not saying that this is what everybody SHOULD do, or that people cannot be more unselfish, generous, giving, caring etc... than this.
I am saying that this is what very often HAPPENS; many people are capable of love and committment to a PERSON, but they don't particularly want to take on also a ready made family with all which it entails, and for all you know, Bill Gates might feel the same.
Of course it's easier with younger kids, the smaller they are, the easier it is to sort of make them yours , as part and parcel of the "package offer ". They are cute, vulnerable, you get attached blah blah. But with teens or adult kids , it's objectively more difficult for this to happen.
Then again, what do I know. Maybe he IS a confirmed bachelor, maybe he is just stringing you along, and feeding you lines.
All I am saying, I would not draw this conclusion JUST based on what's going on with your daughter's car.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): I think we are all missing a point OP is trying to make. She thought they were COMMITTED, that's why the expectations. He said, he loved her, he said, he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, but in fact he acts like there is no commitment. I think this what OP was trying to figure out here. That's why the Original post said: I don't know what to make of it, may be he is not that serious about me. OP is of a certain age where 2 years is enough to figure out what the situation is. Both are in their 40s with a significant life experience, both in theory at this stage of their lives pretty much know who they want and what they want. OP definitely knows what she wants, but the partner is still not sure, judging by his action. He is still reluctant to act like a committed caring partner, and this is what worries OP, yes, car situation is serious, but I think the major concern here for OP is not a car but a behaviour of her boyfriend who she considers her love, her life partner. The thought that came to her mind, is he really the one. if he acts like this, having quite a substantial resources to help her out but not willing to do so, what is on his mind, and what is the future for her. OP, honestly, I think it's the lost case. Several people mentioned that he is just a now guy, who is not sure about your relationship. Now it's up to you to decide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): When I'm dating someone, I feel absolutely no obligation to pay someone elses children's bills, regardless of how much I like that person unless we are both committed. Maybe he knows he will resent you if he starts giving you money. He puts a few thousand on a car. Does he need to pay the monthly insurance premium also? What about car repairs if there is an accident? The car obviously needs gas on a weekly basis... That kind of commitment requires being engaged or married. He paid for most of your vacation but that doesn't count... because he also wanted to go on that vacation. Does him spending money only matter when he has no benefit? Is this how someone proves their love?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): Okay, I don't want to add to your confusion but I am writing this as a single mum who, in the past, has had HUGE difficulty in asking for help of any kind.I do think some women cannot bear to ask for help because they feel too vulnerable. As single Mum's we are used to being looked down on by society, as scroungers or whatever. We learn to not ask and we become proud of being independent.At the same time, we can sometimes become inwardly resentful of no one offering to help, and of how difficult the reality of our situation really is.I battled with this for decades, with everyone around me assuming I was a strong woman, and a lot of people feeling fine with asking me for help, but behaving strangely when I asked for help in return.It is VERY difficult to change our behaviours. It's a bit like a friend of mine who stopped drinking. He said the hardest part of it was that the people who knew him reacted strangely and felt uncomfortable when he wouldn't drink alcohol with them. He lost some 'friends', but he kept others and gained more.Asking for help is a bit like this. Some people will react really badly because they simply haven't thought of you as someone in need of help - but, to be fair, this can be because of the message we send out to them, as much as it can be due to their thoughtlessness or selfishness. And some of those people can and do realise "oh, okay, this person is different to what I thought" and they do change towards you. But it will be different in each case. For some it won't happen at all. For others it will be pretty quick. For others it might involve an argument or them simply not understanding and feeling like you want to exploit them because they see you as strong and 'winning' already in life. For others it can, quite honestly, take several direct and indirect conversations over a longer period of time, until the penny drops and they realise you ARE strong but you are also normal and need help sometimes.Now, the other side of the story can be that people who are wealthy absolutely HATE the idea that people only want them for their money. Before you protest "this is not me, I don't want him for his money!", hear me out. Just as it can become a defense mechanism for us single mum's to not ask for help (especially from those who we fear rejection from the most), so it can become a defense for wealthy people to just not step in with financial assistance. I have an extremely wealthy friend who would no longer give tips in restaurants. Her reasoning seemed to be that she believed that staff were well paid enough. But when I quizzed her about this (I have known her for years, since when she was penniless) she finally conceded that, yes, she had so very many people thinking of her only in terms of her money that she felt a need to be treated as the opposite sometimes, that is, just as a person and not as a walking wallet. I explained to her that I personally feel we have some sort of duty to create a 'trickle down' effect, and that helping people even a little does not mean they are exploiting you. What we both realised is that because she started out poor, it was a huge psychological adaptation for her to make to feeling wealthy, and it had caused her to distrust people around her, to feel that they didn't love her for her. At the opposite extreme, you will get rich people who inwardly can no longer be intimate with anyone and who 'buy' relationships because they have given up the idea that anyone will love them just for who they are.So, quite often, when rich people seem utterly mean (in our eyes) it can sometimes be that they just want to be appreciated for who they are, and it can be very, very important to them to maintain that stance. It is possible - just possible - that your guy is one of these people, and that he fears not being loved just for who he is. He also may not have anyone who does love him just for him, and so he has taken this to a massive extreme and will not financially help anyone, even those close to him. My own sister is like this, and it hurts like hell. And I know how it would feel if someone said to me "ask her for help". It would be excrutiatingly painful. In our case, this would no longer work - the relationship has disintegrated far too much.But in your case, you are effectively enforcing this idea in this guy's head that he must keep maintaining this stance of not helping anyone, in order to prove to himself that he will be loved for who he is. Your extreme pride in not asking for help has clashed with his extreme stance on not offering it.And it may just be too painful for you to ask - I know, you would feel far too vulnerable. And your instincts may be right, that he is just a greedy person who is also aware of your situation and doesn't ultimately care. The thing is, unless one of you budges, it will be the end of the line for your relationship. And all I am saying is, if it is, then please be wary in future of how you might create a similar situation with someone. If you'd asked for help in little ways to begin with, it wouldn't seem so weird to either of you if you asked for help now. And he may have been more forthcoming. Even a frank discussion, far earlier on, about the unequal financial situation between both of you, might have prevented this 'stand off' scenario - if you'd opened up an honest discussion about how you felt about dating someone better off, then it would have made it easier to talk about how you are feeling now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): This is OP again.Who sees the dollar sign, CattyCat, have you even read my post? I said that within 2 years I never asked him for anyhting and managed on my own. Also maleanon, he is not trying to teach me anything, I never asked him for help, and he never helped me. It is NOT how it is with you and your girfriend, when you repeatedly help her. No one gave me advice to drop him, but several posts made it clear that he treats my like a temporary thing, not someone so he would want to invest money in. And by the way, helping my daughter, it's the same as helping me. She is an adult but still didn't even finish high school. Well, anyway, I have enough resentment to not see him anymore. May be I am wrong but what I feel right now toward him, sitting on all this money and not willing to help me out. I don't even want to ask him. He is not stupid, he understands what's going on. And if he still sees me as someone who is after his money, then that's the end of story.
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reader, Auntie_C +, writes (7 March 2015):
 I think you just came up with some off the wall advice none of us gave. No one said he didn't want a future with you. We said you haven't gotten to that part where you share finances etc. He can truly love and want everything with you without feeling comfortable supporting YOUR kids. One being an adult of her own. It'd be a little different if it were you in need of a car vs your 18 year old daughter. Maybe your emotions are up in the air bc of the traumatic experience you all had to endure but be reasonable at the least and give this man a chance. Id understand a bit more should it be years down the road but to expect money for yor adult daughter is way too much already.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): Sorry it was to long to read but I read the title.
He might be trying to teach you how to manage your money, my gf thinks she can spend all she wants. She says she doesn't but she has a problem with self control and this is what I am trying to teach her (ie budget and eating).
She gets angry at me when I say I don't have enough money but that's because I set myself a limit to spend and that's it.
I have lent out money knowing I wont get it back and I am slowly cutting it down (to various ppl). I think she thinks shes doing the right thing but I see the overall picture.
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reader, CattyCat  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 If you want help, ask for it. Yes he hear's your problems, all the time. Yes he gives lifts (which btw you should be grateful for because that's helping out), yes he has the money. But maybe he doesn't want you to see him as a piggy bank that'll open up whenever someone mentions a money problem. At least if you were to talk to him, maybe say something like "Look I know I have no right to ask this, and you know me well enough to know I wouldn't ask unless I was really desperate. But could you please help out with my daughters car? I could pay you back somehow, may a certain amount a week? But it's just she needs the car now, and we just don't have the money. I don't like to come to you like this but unless you can give me different options, I don't know what else to do"You need to stop seeing the dollar sign, and start seeing the man. Do you not think that he probably feels your resentment, and he doesn't want to buy your happiness just to get rid of that feeling, otherwise it's a vicious circle, every time money issues come up, you feel resentment and he has to buy whatever to make things happy. Eventually, he'll just leave. Whatever he does offer, should be enough, and if it isn't, you ask politely like you would do any normal person :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): Thank you all very much for answering.
Though all the answers here are very insightful, the last 2 of the male anon, and female anon opened my eyes. Of course that's why he doesn't want to help me out because he doesn't see out future together, though he talks about it quite a bit.,
I am just a temporary thing for him, like were all the women in his life. He is in his 40s and was married for couple of years long ago, and since then had few relationships here and there.
To answer your question about having a car where I live: no, it's absolutely impossible to use public transportation here. It would take hours for my daughter to get to to work and back. There is no subway,or train around.
I don't know how it is in other countries, but first car usually parents help out to buy. It's a nessesity not a luxury here in US. it's like paying for braces or other child's needs. Without a car you can't get a job,simple as that. Or get to the university.
Male anon is right, I never asked him for anything, and by now he must know that I am not like that. If he fears for me begging him all the time, than its not love and there is no trust in him.
I am doubting very much our relationship now, and considering of ending it.
I can't be with someone who doesn't see a future with me and doesn't trust me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015): Hmm, I kind of disagree with almost everyone here, OP. If you ask me, I offered many times help to my girfriend who is in almost the same situation as you only with one child. We are together also for 2 years, and she works hard to make ends meet and take care of her son. There was a time when she needed a car, and I bought it for her without her even asking me. If I didn't she would have no way of getting to work, and newer she couldn't afford.By the sound of it, I am not even close to your boyfriend's financial level, but comparing to my girfriend's I am far above. I am literally making 3 times more money than her. I have savings, a house, no children. I love her and one day I hope she will be my wife. I could just have car money piling up in my bank while my girfriend is suffering with the situation. I could have just like your boyfriend be paranoid of you using me and staying with me for my money, i could have just watch her loosing her sleep over car situation, and ignore her worries, I could have if I didn't love her. But I do, and I want her to be happy and have it a bit easier than she does. What's the point of staying together if you are not there for each other when there is a need. If my girfriend was a moocher, and constantly asking me for money and spending not wisely that would be a different story, but she is not. What I see from you post you are neither. You work hard, raising your 2 daughters, and you never asked him for money within these 2 years. Doesn't he have enough proof that you are not digging him for his gold? Doesn't he know by now what kind of a woman you are? I think he is having a big trust issues here. I don't know what his past was, and what he went through with women, but all I see here is a guy who wants to stay with a women on a condition that she doesn't give him even a slightest problem. Why to even have a partner, who is in this case is easily capable of helping you and relieve you of that part of your life that is difficult, and the only reason he doesn't do it, because he doesn't want to. Not because he is not able. He should know by now that you will not go after him again and again. How many years need to pass by so he can loose his fear of you asking him for money repeatedly. I don't blame you for feeling resentment toward him. In my opinion doesn't matter what gender it is, if one partner is capable but not willing to help, it is not right . And for me it doesn't matter your daughter or you, it's one family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015): 'BUT, he says he loves me, and I am the best thing that happened to him, and he wants to spend with me his whole life'He SAYS...Stop listening to what he says. What does he DO?-'he doesn't even think of offering me a bit of help'-'not offering any help to me despite the fact that he hears these conversation all the time around him'-'He himself had to pick my daughter up few times because her car broke down'-'he paid for most of the trip, but that's because he wanted to go himself and wanted a companion.'Your boyfriend is MR NOW. That's why he's not helping. As MR NOW, he has no duty to help your daughter get a car.If you two had reached the stage of 'till death do us part' and made the legal/financial commitment to that effect - only then could we say he is being stingy. Right now, he is someone you are sleeping with and spending time with. There are no future promises / expectations, obligations / benefits in your relationship status. As he is not sure about your future together, investing in a car for your daughter is a bad investment.Can you imagine if he'd paid for the expenses of his previous girlfriends and their families just because he had more money than they did. He wouldn't be the wealthy man you know today.I'd say unless he has made the choice to commit to you for life, don't expect anything.He is probably deliberately ignoring your strong hints. Yes, talking about your financial problems around him and resenting him for not offering to help constitutes as pressure for him to help.I sympathise with your frustration but I think you have to reflect on the nature of your relationship.My boyfriend too was from a 'wealthy' family and he helped me out when I was low on finances. I didn't ask him. He volunteered. We are now married and getting along famously. That help was exceptional. He's never had to offer help again. I'm sharing this to explain that as long as the future of your relationship is vague, it is unrealistic to think that he might be compelled to help out of his current love for you, since feelings are fickle. Also, it is unrealistic to think he might be compelled to help, when realistically, your financial situation isn't likely to improve. If he does help once, you'll set a precedent where in future if he doesn't help when you 'need' it, it's a problem because he's done it before and you've come to expect it. And he'll feel guilty for saying no.My advice is to accept that your relationship is more of a companionship than a partnership. That's why his motivation in shouldering most of the cost for that trip was 'he needed a companion'.Companions are fair weather friends.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (6 March 2015):
 I kinda run differently than the others here, and I agree wholeheartedly with CindyCares when it comes to transportation. Unless you live in a rural area, carpooling and public transportation is a much better solution to getting a car.
Don't go to your boyfriend for money for your daughter's car. Don't let money get into your relationship, or you may well get your daughter that car, but you'll destroy your relationship eventually and slowly. Why resent him?? You are the survivor.
Your daughter who is 18 can apply for her own benefits with the government if she is operating at minimum wage. You can apply for housing subsidies and other ways through your state if your income falls below a certain point. You may need to downgrade your housing if the taxes or payments are too high. It's interesting what life will do once you realize what is really important and what isn't. Are you three rocking smart phones? Broadband internet?
AND - as far as a loan is concerned, you shouldn't be asking a boyfriend for one if you cannot ask a bank for it. You wanting to spend $5k is because of YOU. Cars can be bought for $500 and be much more in line. Even if he gave you a $5k car, what you're wanting his his ongoing financial support not for YOU, but for a kid that is not his own.
There is always a solution. You say that his parents are in business? Does anyone he knows have a line on any better paying jobs for you or your daughters?? If there is a family business he is in, is there employment available to upgrade all of your lives??
Never get resentful of your boyfriend for not offering financial support. What you're asking for would become a bottomless well of needing support no matter how much you think it wouldn't happen.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2015):
I agree with Sageoldguy
IF your daughter (and you as co-signer) approach him with paperwork for a loan (with a repayment plan and low interest) and he says NO then you need to rethink the relationship
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 March 2015):
 SVC is correct that "Money, Money changes everything.."
BUT, how about you approach Hunchey Bunchy about helping you make this a TEACHING moment..... Find out if he would be willing to LOAN MONEY to your daughter for the purchase of her car. This would strip away all the complications that real financiers put upon loans.... whilest, making your daughter learn that one has to take responsibility for such matters (financing a purchase) in their life....
Could be a situation where everybody wins....
Good luck...
P.S. IF B/F really could afford to "lose" a 300K deal... and won't even listen to your suggestion that HE finance your daughter's loan.... THEN, you will have learned that he is a cheapskate!!!! .... and, maybe, you ought to dump him!!!!
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reader, Auntie_C +, writes (6 March 2015):
Let's put it this way. Sometimes you get completely blinded by money. He's not married to you, he's a boyfriend. He loves you for you, and expects nothing but love in return. You need to do that same thing for him. He shouldn't have to feel obligated at all to support you or your daughters. He's not married to you. He owes you nothing financially. Whatever he does for you, is out of the kindness of his heart. Appreciate him for what he has done... Not resent him for what he isn't doing. I'm sorry but you are completely wrong here. You are putting him into an awkward situation and that's why he appears absent when you discuss a car for your daughter. He knows it's wrong... What if you break up? He would of just invested 5000 on your daughter. Think about it. How would you feel of the tables were turned? Youd think he was crazy if he expected you to pay for his children... No?
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 March 2015):
Ok, I admit my answer is " European " probably , we do have cars ( even too many ! ) but our is not a car based civilization , we can at least contemplate teh possibility of a carless life style.
Based on which- why would your bf would even THINK of buying a car ... for your daughter ?
First, money does not need, should NEVER in fact , IMO, change hands between lovers ( or people who are DATING- not married, not engaged, not even living together if I get it right ). Of course there are exceptional cases, emergencies which one partner may go through, and the other, richer one can, and should, help out. I don't think that any affluent partner would let the poorer one be starving, or roofless, or freezing just because offering cash is not an elegant gesture.
But, for your daughter's car ?! ( Not even yours ). Why in the world should he offer even if he can easily afford it ? That would not be being generous or caring, that would be spoiling and pampering and , some people are not into that regardless if they CAN.
MUST your TEEN daughter have a car ? ... My son is 24 , does not have a car, never had one, and we ( and most of all his father ) without being rich, - are far from striggling or at the breadline. Simply, he'll get one- when he'll be able to afford it ( and maintain it ). In the meantime, there's public transportation, there's walking, there are bycicles, and for commuters ( in case
the reason is " she needs it for work " - she can get organized with colleagues , or placing an ad on a carpooling site etc. ). Or, she can get a rich bf of her own to chaffeur her around !
Plus, you say she is at minimal wage and can't really afford a car , - so after the initial 5000 $ , who is supposed to pay for the car upkeep, registration tax, insurance , maintenance, repairs, possible fines ?... your bf ?... So, that would not be a one time gift, it would be making him stuck with an ongoing responsibility. I am not surprised if he just never even thought of offering, because being rich does not means that you SHOULD take on a parent's, or step parent's , job and role if you are not. Not, that not being willing to take it on = being stingy .
We are talking about non-essentials here. Things that are surely useful and helpful, but , - we are not talking about food or heating in a cold winter or a leeking roof.
There must be other dozen of things that I am sure could make your and your daughter's life better and more enjoyable, and that you cannot afford ... but one has to draw the line somewhere. What about a nice seaside vacation ? Redecorating your home ? new bedding and mattresses ? Cosmetic dental work ? A complete head to toe medical check up for the whole family ?....
That's ALL stuff that I guess he could easily pay entirely without making too big a dent in his assets- but that he could offer does not mean that he SHOULD, or that he must want to . Why ? because, as of now, he wants to be your lover and companion, not your caretaker and / or financial crutch.
I know, you are an independent person, not a moocher or a gold digger. For you that's a sort of " if he really loved me , he would do X... " kind of test. These sort of tests though, are not very reliable, ambiguous and double edged. Like, you say " if he realy cared about me, he would spontaneously offer to etc. etc. " Well, have you ever thought that, if he knew what you have in mind, he could likewise think : " If SHE really loved me,.. she would not think of reaching into my pockets for something she does not strictly need and that I haven't volunteered to give ? "....
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2015):
Money, Money changes everything.
I am a "trust fund baby" but I was raised and told "NO you don't need that" vs "we can't afford it" This was how my dad handled having money that he did not wish to spend.
It may have been things we really wanted or needed but it was HIS money and it's his choice on how to spend it.
Same with your boyfriend. Yes he could help, but if he offers it's care taking. (not healthy) and it sets up a pattern that is not healthy.
UNTIL a couple is married then what's his is his and what's yours is yours.
I assume your deceased husband's government was on a local or state level as a federal survivors pension would include a wife as well as children. IT sounds to me like you are speaking of survivors benefits for Social Security which is not a lot I know.
I am sorry things are tough. But I think if you want to ask your BF for a LOAN (a gift for your child is out of the question) with a minimal or no interest rate and a long repayment schedule IN WRITING, then I see no reason not to do that. IN fact, If you present it to him (the repayment schedule and the loan contract) then it may re-assure him that you are not with him for his money.
When I have had to borrow money from my dad I have presented him in writing with an amount a minimal interest rate and a repayment schedule. He agrees and we begin the payments. OFTEN he refuses the interest and towards the end of larger loans has been known to accept current repayment balance as payment in full.
IT is NOT fair of you to expect your boyfriend to help you with an expense for your child (or you)
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 March 2015):
 It's normal to feel resentful but I can understand why he's reluctant to help. Money can cause strain in a relationship. You will think he is so well off that it wouldn't matter if your daughter could borrow it and pay it off later. 5000 might be temporary but he's thinking far ahead. He might be asked to loan more money here and there. Such as car insurance, repairs or winter tires.
We feel like helping complete strangers such as poor people in Africa more than ones close to us. That's because we don't want to feel that people are with us just because of the money.
I know how he feels. As long as his father is still alive he would feel it's inappropriate that other people touch the wealth that they built. They want to safeguard their investment.
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