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writes:I've fallen out with my son, about 6 months ago. I'm perfectly willing to discuss whatever's bothering him, and try and resolve it. He's 20 ,and a very strong character.He simply won't speak to me.He sees my parents about once a week, and I've been trying to get them to help mediate. They say they have tried, but he doesn't want to know.What's bothering me now is my parents have a holiday home abroad, and they've offered it to him and his friends for a week.My argument is they shouldn't be offering him treats when they know how much it's upsetting me he won't speak to me.Can't they use their holiday home as a kind of bargaining chip , to say you're welcome to use it as long as you make an effort to speak to your mother. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): @Anon (But I have to say, if I was his grandparents.....I think I would stop speaking with YOU!)Why on earth would this be the case? The Father op! has only said ( He simply won't speak to meown)why is this a good enough reason for the grandparents not to speak to their own SON? It's always ok not to rock the boat, for the ones who are hunky dorie simply because they are safe from the strife and upset, they even make excuses like: 'It's the -well you know what they are like, they'll come round in their own time' this seems to give a licence to certain charaqcters to behave like this,and the sad fact is some people NEVER come round or 20 years to late when too much damage has been caused and often for MISUNDERSTANDINGS, that could/should have been resolved right in the beginning, A mediator is often needed to relay the TRUTH and the OP'S parents are in a good position to this, It can not , will not help if they turn the other way and bury their heads in the sand. I know by experience, years are lost and wasted that can never be made up, not through lack of forgivness but through the hurt thet the PUNISHER has inflicted and who decides WHEN they want to make up. This is so selfish and yet many people think nothing of the hurt family feuds can cause, the way it breeds and passes through the generations if left UNRESOLVED.It may blow over but it may grow and the then the OP will end up resenting his parents for standing by and doing nothing to help BUILD the bridge. Wasted years and love and probably over trivia and misunderstanding. Sad world when people think it's okay to let hate breed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): I agree with YOU on most but not the barganing chip, your parents, his grandparents really should NOT be offering him treats. I understand how close family won't want to get involved, but this is what I call 'sitting on the fence' and I call it 'helping your son to behave in a bad manner towards his father' and it is HELPING CREATE A SITUATION that will only get bigger the longer it is left unresolved. In your son's eyes his 'belief/ problem' with you ( what ever it may be, you say you are willing to talk and make it right)is been reinforced by your parents. They are indirectly telling him it is ok to treat family like this and helping create FAMILY FEUDS that CAN and often DO last for years.Nobody can be forced to speak and nobody should be made to feel guilty for still communicating and been loving to a close family member. However I personally if I were in your grandparents position would not be offering anything untill I was offered a reasonable explanation as to why NOT speaking to my OWN child, and it better be a good reason to cause so much upset and stress to ALL concerned within that family.I have no time for childish sulkers, moodies and punishers who CREATE selfish family feuds, and don't even give people a chance to amke it right. I have no respect for the one's who just sit on the fence because they are not the ones getting hurt, that is selfish. Strong characters face problems,try to resolve issues, forgive, some even say sorry. Your son has a weakness (try to find it)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): I'm sorry your son is not speaking with you. But I don't agree that you should be telling his grandparents how to be with him.
At least your son is comfortable speaking with them. At least he has a family connection. Give your son time. He will come around.
But I have to say, if I was his grandparents.....I think I would stop speaking with YOU!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): you are in the wrong about this situation. i know your upset and hurt but the best thing to do is let him know you love him and then leave him be to think. but you should not involve your parents . i have a son a similar age and if we was to fall out i would let him know i care and them leave him alone. sons can sometimes be stubborn. let him have his holiday. life still carrys on even when we have fall outs with family. like others have said at least he feels able to go to your parents.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): I can tell you from experience, I stopped speaking to my father completely when I was 20 years old. He kept pushing me to talk to him and kept trying to force me into talking to him, because he thought that as a parent he had a right to demand that from me. The fact is the more he tried to force me, the longer it took. The fact is that with my father he had hurt me very badly emotionally, and until I could get a chance to deal with the pain he caused me, everytime he tried to push me to talk to him was only hurting me more. I know your hurting that your son will not speak to you, but you will have to wait and give him the space and time he needs until he is ready to talk to you, just because you want to talk to him does not mean he has to talk to you. I hope that in time your son will speak to you again, what I know from my own experience is that it will not happen until he is ready, so please for your own sake, stop trying to force him to talk to you, because you risk losing him completely if you continue to push. I know it hurts you, and I am sure it hurts him too, but until he is ready to talk nothing good will come from whatever conversation you will have. Good Luck.
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reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 Hi, look on the bright side at least he can talk to your parents and parents can try and influence him to make his peace with you.
If your parents push hard they also risk him severing ties. You have not provided information on the fall out to determine what went wrong and how to rebuild teh relationship with your son.
I also suggest you stop trying and just send him one last message that you love him and will be there should he need you. The rest is up to him to reach out to you. The more you push the more he is going to stay away. Let him reach out to you.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 Well, no, frankly I think it is a very bad idea.
You have got to understand that you fell out with your son, your parents did not. You have problems with him, your parents don't.
I am sure they are upset about the situation too, and that they have tried the best they could to help you , but by asking them to " punish " your son in your behalf , and to withdraw or abstain from offering what they normally would be offering their grandson, you are asking them to take official sides in a matter which is just between you and him, thereby making them risk to alienate their grandson for something they never contributed to , and turning into a huge family feud what hopefully can be solved by other means between the two adults that you and your son are.
Plus, suppose that the ruse works and your son accepts to talk you you, would you be content with knowing that he is talking to you not because he decided so, but just because he has been bribed ? Then what ? Next time you want to talk to him, you've got to offer him, or make him offer , something else, a trip, a new PC, a car maybe ? ...
You don't say why you have fallen out and what happened exactly, so we can't suggest you any way, if there is one, to mend the rift. But in any case, if you want to try, it's best you try on your own, leaving your parents completely out of it.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 May 2013):
 Well no I dont think its a good idea to blackmail anyone using a holiday home - it is your parent's house and if they want to offer it to a family member they are well within their rights to do so.
The issue between you and your son is for the 2 of you to resolve, they have tried to help but he wont listen so they cant keep on nagging him about it. And they certainly cant blackmail him by saying 'you cant use our house unless you talk to your mother/father' (you are registered as a man on this site by the way).
Grandparents do nice things for their granchildren, and that is perfectly normal - they dont have to punish him on your behalf, it sounds like they had nothing to do with the reason why you fell out in the first place so their relationship with the boy should carry on as normal.
Send your son a letter if you are really that desperate to communicate with him. Email him, text him.....try other routes other than talking face to face to try and get through to him. You havent told us what happened so its hard to comment, but as a mother/father I'm sure you want to rebuild your relationship and you might have to concede any issues you have with your son and let it go in order to rebuild that relationship.
But dont drag your parents into this, just because your relationship has gone bad with your son doesnt mean their relationship with him has to go bad.
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