A
female
age
30-35,
*ysterium
writes:I don't know what is it with me and friends. A little about me: I just graduated and now I'm going to start my second BA. I paint, I'm also a singer I am into mountaineering. I have friends when I am a part of an institution eg. College or a school but otherwise I have only 2 close friends Out of which I'm the one who is always is trying to maintain the friendship. And I feel so stupid. So I don't want to be a pile on. I'm so so depressed. I don't have anyone to talk to or to hang out with. I don't have anyone who shares my interests. I like to travel but I don't have anyone to travel with. My family likes to stay in cities and live in luxury whereas I like to travel around and explore. It is so hard for me to find a place for myself here. I feel so miserable. Any suggestions for getting out of this mode? Thanks a lot.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (21 October 2012):
Hi. When you say that you don't tend to get along with most people, it could be that you have an unrealistic expection of how you believe a friendship should be.
And because you believe that about yourself, it most likely plays out in all of your interactions with people, as you go about your daily life.
Even though you probably would be unaware of this, it could be preventing you from really engaging with people in a way that you build a natural rapport with them.
And what you are describing here, is probably a lack of rapport in a general sense.
And this could be because you have this constant inner voice telling you - "I don't seem to get along with most people" - and as a result, you don't fully give of yourself with each person you meet, and are always holding back slightly.
It's a fear of rejection - a thing we all fear.
And the more you think that about yourself, the more it starts to become a reality for you, as it no doubt seems to be.
You need to start liking, accepting and believing in yourself as already being perfect and a nice caring, loving person who is worthy of friendship with other nice caring, loving people.
You see, what you believe, you become.
I think, therefore I am.
It is self pertetuating.
Changing cities could help, but is it a solution or is it running away, do you think?
It would be beneficial to you to concentrate only on your positive attributes, and forget that any vulnerabilities you might have, don't exist.
If you concentrate only on what you think are your faults, well then they become more emphasized, instead of all of your good points.
Everyone has some kind of vulnerabilities, but they are unimportant and really don't matter at all.
When you concentrate only on feeling good about yourself and accepting yourself totally, any vulnerabilities you might have, will virtually cease to exist altogether, because there will not be the focus on them there previously was.
Some food for thought for you.
A
female
reader, Mysterium +, writes (19 October 2012):
Mysterium is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Dorothy,Thanks a lot for your advice! It means a lot that you took time to let me know what you think. I am actually going to move into a new city for my next course, so I am eagerly awaiting that! I think there is a great monotony which has built around me because I've been here since the time I was born. I think living alone and taking care of myself would keep me very occupied. I usually don't get along too much with people. I don't tend to click with a lot of people. So I have never found anyone who would eagerly want to be my friend. I don't get that. I feel because I'm so much of an introvert, people misunderstand my intentions. A lot of them feel like I'm snobby, a lot of them call me a bitch, and my close friends, I feel they know I'm very insecure so they know my vulnerability...so I don't surprise them much. Like they treat me like riff raff when I'm not.Anyway I've learned my lesson not to reveal my vulnerabilities and to, at least, try and be confident.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 October 2012):
Hi there. Having friends only in the places where you study, is pretty limiting.
What you probably ought to be considering, is joining clubs where you pursue these interests.
Your friends will all be different, because your interests are so diverse.
You may not find friends who are also interested in the same 3 interests you have.
And then again, you might! Who's to say?
For instance, you would probably be mountaineering with men and women both.
So there alone, are opportunities to meet friends of both genders.
And through those friends, you will no doubt meet others.
Perhaps regarding your painting, you could join an art appreciation group, where you would meet lots of men and women of like minds to yourself. So more opportunities to make new friends.
And regards being in the music industry - you are a singer - well then you might like to consider joining a musicians club, where you will no doubt meet other musically minded people and singers of all different music styles.
Or you could join a jazz club, if it's jazz that you sing.
In any case, one visit to a muso's club would certainly make you some interesting contacts, I'm sure.
It would be a good place to start, for sure.
I hope this gives you some useful ideas.
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