A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I have a crush issue that is eating me up. I met this guy(he's a colleague) over a year but we just started talking as friends recently. He is a graduate, and I am just finished my graduate education in the same university. The issue is that while I was always with a group of guy friends, I thought he always appeared close to our table, and he I saw him a number of times staring at me. I began to wonder if he actually might be checking me out. And when I asked DC for advice, I was advised to invite him to coffee. As we always met, and bumped into each other, we startted talking more frequently. Now we actually do not feel shy to join each other's table, we have exchanged phone numbers and agreed that we would hang out soon. He is such a gentleman, sweet, handsome and humourous. Whenever, we have lunch together, he clears the bill for my drink.The first time he did it, I did not know till I went to pay(because I remained in the cafeteria a little longer).My problem now is: 1) I called him once, and he did not pick. I even sent him texts which he did not respond to. They were msgs about my USB disk which I thought I had dropped by our lunch table. I did not see him for two weeks in the canteen, so left it at that.I called him another time after the two weeks, he picked and was really nice as usual on phone. But he did not apologise for missing/not returning my calls/msgs. I asked him when he would have time to go for coffee. He said he had to learn the schedule of his new roation, first as previous students had said it was really hectic. And I said fine, feel free to let me know when you want to. Btw, it was initially his idea to know the city better as he is foreign from another country. So I suggested we could visit coffee shops, some nice restaurants, and he seemed like he thought it was a great idea. Two days after calling him, he met me in the canteen with another girlfriend. He joined our table, had lunch. We had a great time chatting. But he had to leave us as he was running for class. He paid for both our drinks again. Later in the afternoon, I sent him a text msg saying it was nice having lunch with him, n thanks for the drinks. He did not reply.Now, I am just wondering what to think. His eyes light up when he sees me and thereafter we really have a good time chatting. We chat about all things, but mainly our interests, family life. We are both first-born kids with heavy responsibilities. His friend once told me he is the most humble, peaceful guy he has seen for the past 7years, and he has not seen him with a girl.I know he is single coz he told me as we were talking family life. I have been a looser with relationships,so I might just be mis-reading signals here.His phone etiquette is really confusing me. Does he have any mutual interest in me or is he just saying no?What do I do next? We are both 32 yo.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (20 November 2012):
Hi. It's a pretty carefree way to live, isn't it?
And yes, it is must less stressful when living only in the present moment.
Sometimes, it takes a little more effort than other times, although it's always well worth the effort, just the same.
I'm really glad to hear you do feel happy now.
Keep me posted, if there are any further developments.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Dorothy. I am the OP, I took your advice and stepped back a little. I am only enjoying his friendship and it feels more relaxing to just live for the moment. I am less stressed, and well, cannot really tell if anything will come up. But I am happy.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (21 October 2012):
Hi. It could come down to how important it is to you, that you are in a relationship, I guess.
So perhaps for now, it might be your best course of action to be content to be just friends with him.
If it's going to progress to dating, it is probably going to take a few months anyway, so you can't really push it to happen any sooner than that.
Everything in life happens for a reason.
There really is no such thing as coincidences. Things happen because they are meant to.
And they are perfectly timed, when they do, usually.
So it does seem like a good idea that you allow him to get in contact with you, when he feels like it.
By this I mean, let him text or call you first. Outside of when you see each other at university, that is.
When you have lunch, if he is sitting down already before you, well then don't automatically sit down with him, just smile if he is looking your way, and then walk to another table to have your lunch.
This gives him the opportunity to walk over to your table - if he wants to do this - and then to ask you if he could join you.
And it's then up to you to say either "Yes," or whatever else. If you were expecting some friends of your own to join you, you would tell him that, so he knew. And don't be cold to him, so he doesn't feel rejected.
So what I'm really saying here, is to NOT just assume you ought to be automatically sitting down with him, just in case he has other plans for some of his mates to join him.
And do this every day, so he knows you are NOT trying to monopolize his company - which he might resent.
We can never assume things like that, and the truth is, there are times in our day where we just want to be in our own space - without company.
It's like meditation, and a complete chilling out. It's really healthy, and we all need it sometimes.
And there's nothing wrong with wanting that for yourself.
So just go along living your life one day at a time, and keep an open mind about everything.
And just live your life in the present moment, and not looking ahead to tomorrow or the next day.
When you live only in the present moment - NOW - there is no anxiety, disappointment, anger, frustration, worry, sadness or fear.
Because what you are doing, is simply "being" and with full acceptance of whatever happens, and without judgement.
It's a great way to live your life, and does take a little discipline. However, it is SO worth it.
When you live only in the "NOW," you will always be happy.
The reason being, is that you stop thinking about the past and have no particular concern for the future.
Whatever is going to happen, is going to happen, and we can't really influence it in any way.
If you try to open a flower which is still in bud, and force the petals open before it is ready to open, the flower will just die.
And that is a very sad thing to happen.
So the best suggestion I can really give you, is to let things happen naturally with this guy, and just see how things naturally unfold over time.
You might be surprised.
If it's meant to be, it will be - in time.
However, that time has not yet come.
So you may need to be patient.
Another reason, could be that he is not the one.
Only time will tell.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Dorothy, and Abella. Thank you so much! Honestly, I love your pieces of advice. I particularly love how you have digested the situation, and gone ahead to advise me in a communication fashion, I had NOT experienced before.I keep re-reading these responses and I feel almost like you are physically with me. I have sailed through my career but relationship-wise, I am at zero, and as you can imagine, sometimes it becomes really difficult to be alone. Sometimes I feel I am getting desperate, less confident and not very optimistic about my future with relationships. But I distract myself with my work, and rejoice in knowing that at least I am excelling in one area that excites me. The way I contact guys seems to be a recurring problem I have(per most DC aunts/uncles). So, this time I am going to work on my own phone etiquettes, and who knows, maybe that's where I will get my breakthrough. And share with you the rewards of allowing him to pursue): Thank you for taking time to read my problem, and advise me.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 October 2012):
Hi there. Heavy family responsibilities could be a part of it, maybe.
It's possible he is simply being friendly, by paying for your drinks at lunch.
It's not really necessary that he should do that, so why he does it, is hard to define.
So perhaps don't read too much into that, as apart from that, it is mainly friendly conversation between you only, and not actual dates as yet, is it?
So he may be just taking it slowly for the moment, until he is really sure about where to go with it - start dating or not.
Regardless of the reasons for your text messages or calls to him, because he didn't answer them, it would be unwise for you to continue in doing that, as it isn't resulting in what you would like to be happening.
It almost seems like he is deliberately ignoring them, doesn't it?
It probably would be a much better idea now, to stop doing that altogether and instead, let him contact you.
Even though what you said in those text messages was quite harmless and not exactly pushy really, it may have been interpreted by him as you pursuing him, and he may not like it.
And what's more, when a woman initiates texting with a man, it can come across as lacking in confidence, and can make a woman appear needy and desperate, which are not particularly attractive to a man.
It can actually push them away altogether, and that's not what you want.
I realize you like him quite a bit, and even so and it is modern times, most men still like to do the chasing and the pursuing.
They like it to not be too easy to get the girl they want.
Men really do enjoy a challenge, when it comes to women.
Men also like women who are confident, have their own life, own friends and interests, are independent, and refuse to be taken for granted or treated badly - by anyone.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 October 2012):
 Perhaps he is the genuine Absented Minded Professor type in the making.
Perhaps he procrastinates too long and too often
Perhaps he gets so absorbed in his work that sometimes he forgets what day it is.
You are both clearly intelligent and his eyes light up when he sees you.
But he lacks the initiative to move things along a little.
If your crush is eating you up then it is time you shifted the conversation somewhere less public than the cafeteria.
Look him in the eye and ask him where he sees himself in five years? What does he want out of life?
And what do you have to lose by looking him straight in the eye and telling him, "do you realise how much my crush on you is eating me up?"
Then if he completely lacks any initiative to take things any further then you may have to face the unpalatable possiblity that while you delight him, and his face lights up when he sees you, he just does not know how to escalate this friendship into something more.
Or, if good fortune and Cupid's arrow is ready then just maybe your honesty may be enough to get him to see the light. And start DATING you.
Good luck and best wishes with this.
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