A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a lesbian in a new relationship with a woman who just told me that a couple of months before meeting me, she had slept with a childhood guy friend, gotten pregnant, and had an abortion. She was depressed and lonely and feeling lost and vulnerable at the time. I know she is a lesbian, I'm not jealous. It's not the pregnancy or abortion that bother me - I just can't get past her decision to sleep with a guy. No matter how down I was, I would never sleep with a guy. I have dated women who had slept with men way back in their past, but not as recently as this. I can't go a few days without thinking about it and it literally makes me sick. It makes me want to run away because I don't think someone who would do that is the right person for me. It affects my attraction to her and my ability to connect with her. Am I being impossible? Should I just get over it? I really like her, but I know myself - I am not okay with it.
View related questions:
abortion, depressed, jealous, lesbian Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you who wrote to me - it really helped.I did some reflecting and saw that I have had trouble with this in the past. For some reason, it bothers me when someone I love has had sex with men in the past. Yes, their relationships with women don't bother me, which is why I really came to the point that it is my problem. It's not fair to judge her and if I really care about her, I know I need to get over it.After a few days of agony, I finally just told her how I felt. I explained to her that it bothered me, that I didn't know why exactly, that it had happened before, and that I was sorry and was moving through it as well as I could.And the outcome - total relief. It wasn't really what she said, I think I just needed to get it out. She was very understanding about it and I really appreciated her honesty about the situation. It was difficult talking about it, but things have been so much better now that I got that out of the way.Things are going great. The images do come up every once in a while, but I can deal with it. I am just really glad I spoke up. I was giving it too much power by letting it stay inside of me.I will save the rest for therapy! Thanks again!
A
female
reader, giddygiddyfreak  +, writes (10 October 2007):
 not to sound nasty about it or nothing but i think that you should get over it.i mean yeah she slept with a man..so..??would it really matter..you like her that's all that matters.and it doesn't mean that she is gonna sleep with men while she's with you..x
...............................
A
female
reader, Emma99  +, writes (4 October 2007):
Hey, sweetie
I think you need to understand more about why the story freaks you out so much; I mean, think about it, she didn't yet know you, she wanted emotional/physical closeness, he was a friend -- sounds just like a gentle, one-time, thing -- it's not who she is, you said so yourself. I know it can be hard to imagine a girl you're in love with, with a guy, if you are a lesbian, but in the end, it's the actual stuff that went on between them, how they treated each other, was it kind or exploitative, was it fun or a bad encounter??? it's not really the body parts and the holes that matter in the end....sorry, don't want to gross you out.. i'm a total lesbian myself... but why don't you give yourself a chance with this girl? sounds like you might have something going together.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Hi,
mate, you've just gotta find a way to get over this.
She slept with this guy before you met so really that should fall into the domain of what's happened in the past stays in the past.
I think perhaps the bigger issue is you are still worried she may return to her "straight" ways.
She's probably going through a traumatic time after having the abortion ( and who knows how she got pregnant? I mean, drunken unprotected sex? she could have been taken advantage off without her consent ). Dont take this the wrong way, but I believe you are being quite selfish here, she is the one who has gone through the trauma yet you are making this your problem. I'm afraid your issues to do with insecurity hardly match hers. She needs support from people who love her not criticism over a drunken night out
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 October 2007):
 If you're not OK with it and can't see yourself getting over it, then leave. Of course being a guy, I couldn't imagine sleeping with a guy either.
Wasn't this prior to your relationship? I want you to forget for a second that it was a gross man, and let's look at it from a different point of view. You're girlfriends point of view.
She was feeling real down at the time. Feeling worthless, low self esteem. Did you think with this being a good friend of hers, the reason she slept with him was not because he is a guy, but because they have a special emotional bond that was greater than their physical sex?
Emotional bonds are more powerful than physical attraction, or the act of having sex. He was there when she needed him, he comforted her in her time of needing it. It has nothing to do with weather she is attracted to females or males. One of the stories I recently read described this form of emotional bonding as well. "I am a strait female, but I am really attracted to this woman." That's one woman she's feeling a chemistry past the gender of the person.
Don't be too hard on her. It happened before you got together, I would be there to support her with her abortion. She's going to need someone there for her. I don't know too many women, lesbian or not, who can go through that and not have a certain amount of pain carried over with them.
...............................
A
female
reader, burningbridges  +, writes (2 October 2007):
I can't really say it's fair for me to pass judgement, but I think someone being bi is an usual thing to be hung up on. I think you have the answer you seek, which is that yes you should get over it. But if you can't, accept that you can't and break up. We all have our hangups.
...............................
|
