A
female
age
41-50,
*rcada
writes:Hi, I have been on this site before and got some good advice and it helped me loads. Please can someone give me some advice on my current situation?Well it's been 2 months since my partner walked out on me and my 6 month old son.At first I did all the dergrading stuff like begging and crying. I now only have contact with him when he has my son which is every other weekend and every Wednesday evening. I drop my son off at my sister's and he collects him from there. When he has my son he texts me regarding feeding even though I always put a note in with all the infomation about my son. He makes me feel sometimes that he just wants to talk cos he will text a lot when he is caring for my son.I have spent the past 3 weeks being very indifferent towards him, I'm polite if he asks me anything (I have to be for our son's sake), I never text him and when he got me a mothers day present and card with a lovely message in it, I didn't thank him for it.He doesn't seem botherd by any of this and was even shitty with me when I had to ask him for more money.Should I just put a note in my son's bag every time he has him and ignore his texts unless it's important? For my sake?I need to move on would this help having no contact at all? Two months on and I'm still devastated, he on the other hand is going out all the time. I know this as my brothers are in the same group of friends.It hurts like hell that he doesn't care about me and acting cool doesn't seem to be working!
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female
reader, Arcada +, writes (3 March 2008):
Arcada is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks peeps for your advice so far. I do wanna get back with him because im still in love him and believed that he really loved me. Also when we was together he treated me really well. I thought that giving him some space would help but it hasn't. I just have to remember that if he could leave us then he's not worth it and he could't have been in love with me like he claimed that he did. It's so hard!
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (3 March 2008):
 He has moved on with his life alright, but it doesnt sound like he wants you top move on with yours. He knows that you are upset, so he is keeping his options open. He probably knows that he could worm his way back as well, if the going got tough.
Trying to play the game of acting as though you dont really care, is very hard to do. I think the only way it really works is when you have truly had enough. You are being very strong but just haven't quite got there yet. But you will.
Think to yourself how this man has deserted you and your baby. Why the hell should you give him the chance to do it again.
Dont you deserve more XXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): If you need to move on then why does it hurt like hell the way he is behaving? You still have feelings for him or you wouldnt say that. Decide if you really want him back, If you do, and i think it would be unwise, because they never change, then go out of your way to get him back. But on the other hand i think you should put all of this behind you and move on. Meet someone else, go out with your mates. Be out there and let him see what he is missing. But stop running after him and wanting him back, it will end in grief.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 March 2008):
 Try to go out with a male friend on a date and be highly visible and see how he would react.
I bet he will come running back to you .
Do you still want him back or you have decided to give him up for good?
If you have given him up for good, just ignore all his text even those on the son.
He has got to learn how to take care of his son by himself. Just write notes as usual.
If in your heart, you still want him , you have to be more patient. Be confident and sit tight.
If he can give you a present on mother's day , he still has feelings for you.
In the meantime , you should go out with your friends and be happy .
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (3 March 2008):
I hate to say this, but there is another possibility about his text messages to you while he has your son. That is that his messages and proof that he sent them to you may be collecting evidence that he is "being a good father" as insurance against some possible action in the future.
What I suggest you do for your own piece of mind is to maintain a journal that lists every time he has your son, what you sent (clothes, food, toys) and their condition, and how it all was when you got it all back. Keep a record of every text message (word for word) and its time. Keep copies of the notes you send with the instructions. Keep a record of how much and when he pays anything and make sure you give him a formal receipt. You can buy a simple receipt book in most news agents. You have to also keep a copy of each receipt. If he asks why about the receipt, just tell him that by doing it this way, he has the evidence he might need if the CSA ever gets involved. You can tell him that you have found out that they can involve themselves automatically and so you know it will be just simpler for you both to have receipts.
The reason for this detailed journal is that such a journal is evidence in court should it ever come to that in the future and while we all hope it won't it is better to protect yourself now. A judge cannot dismiss a journal that has obviously been maintained as a general record for a long time. It will also act as a counter should your ex ever try something funny in the future or make accusations about the conditions of clothes etc. and anything he sent back. I know from my own experience that accusations of things that did not happen are almost impossible to prove the real truth of and defend yourself against. A journal is one way of doing that.
It seems from what you have said that this relationship as it was is now over and what you both need to move towards now is the new relationship of sharing parenting. At times he will be a total shit and it is also likely if you are honest with yourself that you may be also sometimes. That is life.
There is lots of advice around about how to do things best for your kid and I won't insult you by detailing so much of what you probably know.
Please know that you are not alone and that both dads and mums find themselves in the position you are now in. Your life will come back together again. It is okay to grieve about what is now over, in fact grief is healthy. Talk to people, even if it is only by email (you can contact me anytime if you like). Try and create situations where you can socialise - just to get out of a rut. All this will help you to not feel too alone and isolated.
To move on I would suggest you minimise the contact you have with your ex to just what is needed for your son. Always be polite no matter how much you want to scream and beat his head in. Do not underestimate your son's ability to interpret body language and atmosphere and so try and get in the habit now of never being critical or discussing his dad in front of him. It will also help you to maintain your dignity.
If you do not try to get your ex back and just move on with your life, you may find that he will want to know why and might even begin to show interest again. At that time you have the choice and the self control to decide what is right for you and your son. Do not worry about being alone. There are many guys out there who do not mind being step dads so a future with some nice guy is still possible.
Keep smiling no matter what. It takes less energy. ;-)
All the best.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (3 March 2008):
 Hi
Was you acting cool for a reason then? To get a reaction? Want him to want back? If he wanted out, thats because he wants his freedom now. But the way he txt while he has your son, is possibly because he has to cope on his own and maybe struggles with that a bit. Nothing more.
Looks like this is the way things are going to stay. You will need to take steps to accept it and move on now.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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