A
female
age
36-40,
*orngirl
writes:I was wondering what people think of fantasising and masturbating over other people when you're in a relationship?I have no problems with my significant other masturbating when he's not with me (i live in a different city) IF he's not thinking of anything and just enjoying the feeling, or it's nice if he thinks of me. If he thinks of someone he knows though...to me that seems wrong. That means at that point in time he prefers her over me, and has chosen her over me, right?Bringing the internet into this...he has masturbated over girls on facebook. That feels horrible. The thought of him trawling through their pictures - specially since he could just as easily look at pictures of me - makes me feel sick. As for porn...i'd much prefer he watched porn than thought of girls he knew. Still i'd prefer him to think of me. Is that wrong? I've read things that guys can't visually imagine things as well as girls...then again how can anyone know? However my bf has a thing about chinese girls (i'm blonde english). He sometimes watches porn of them (more than anything else i would bet on) and that makes me feel really inadequate. I feel that I can never be good enough for him because i'm not the 'right' race, yet ironically many guys go specifically for the blonde look. Also in the past we've had problems when i wanted sex more than him, so it felt horrible to know that he was happy to deny me sex but not deny himself masturbation in order to be more likely to want sex with me. Last of all, and this probably sounds silly, but we went away on holiday for a week and i fell asleep on the couch on his lap. He woke me up accidentally when he got up and said he was going for a shower. That night i was the one to initiate sex and he didn't seem too keen. It turned out he'd thought of me giving him a bj when i had my head on his lap, and had gone upstairs to wank over it so as not to wake me up. But he did wake me up, and i'm pretty much always up for sex even if not feeling horny at that time, so i felt really hurt that he could have slept with me but instead chose to masturbate - and as a result wasn't wanting sex later.This whole things has caused lots of issues for me, for example i feel really inadequate if he wants chinese girls. I really feel like he's cheating on me if he thinks of other girls. He also lied about ever watching porn for about 4 months even though just before then i said well i can accept you watching porn but i cant accept you fantasising about girls you know. So if he did that (i caught him out in the end with his internet history which he normally deleted) then whats to stop him lying about other things. He says he doesnt masturabate over other girls, then it changes and he says very rarely, then he says hes saying that to cover himself... Basically i wonder if the fantasising is one issue and even worse is lack of trust. So many lies, he's left me before and i just wonder when he's going to again and who he's mentally fucking until he does. Argh. Replies welcome please. However looking at other people's posts some people are really harsh and horrible in their replies. This is how this makes me feel. It really hurts and upsets me. I don't want to be all controlling with my boyfriend, but then these are my beliefs and should i go against what i believe in. Yes it's not physically cheating but it is letting him pretend he is without any knockbacks and complications that would happen in real life. What do you think?
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female
reader, torngirl +, writes (21 May 2009):
torngirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your answer...any more welcome too :)
To the anonymous male reader...i've dressed up loads of times in various ways but then he admitted he found it found it kinda cringy! Bit of a blow to the self esteem..!
As for pretending to be half chinese...i am who i am and i want to be with someone he likes that. Which..yeah he likes, but doesn't prefer. I feel rather crap cos how he looks is like my 'ideal' type of guy, whereas i'm so far off his ideal girl. :s
Does anyone else feel the same about someone masturbating over someone they know, e.g. an ex or someone at work? He says he doesn't anymore, tho whether that's true i don't know because he's lied over loads of things in the past ("small" things-so why lie? :s) so he may well be over this. But even if he has stopped it'd be cos of me as opposed to what he believes in. He says he wouldnt mind if i did it and thought of other ppl apart from him...we seem to have different kinda moral stances. Maybe i am too morally minded...but this is me...what do people think? Just interested to get a range of views.
A
female
reader, niki20  +, writes (21 May 2009):
 o hun, its ok. first its ok to look and masturbate to ppl on te internet b/c hes not touching them. its ok.....it sucks but you live so far away. be happy that hes still w/you. you could be all upset and flustered about this situation i would be to. but you have to be happy hes not cheating. most men prefer a certain porn, but it doesnt mean necasarally he wants them in real life. there "stars" for a reason and soley there for enjoyment. dont feel inadequit, its natural for a man to do these things. hes w/you for a reason.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): First of all he must be used to masturbating and he will need to get out of this either by going to a doctor or you changing this "habit".
He might be bored and you need to "seduce" him a bit. Try changing your hair colour, style, clothes, "pretend" different scenarios, e.g. that you do not know each other or that you are 1/2 Chinese (dress up):), etc... Spice things up and see how things go.
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