A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Preface:My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We've been sexually active for slightly longer than we've dated. That aside. My problem:It bothers me when she masturbates. But the problem is, I can't pin point why. Its the "heart break" feeling that you get when someone cheats on you, but it's not quite the same (obviously). I mean, I get the job done and all of that. That being said, I'm the first one (including herself previously) to get the job done. But, still she does it. And then is never "in the mood" or is "Bored" with sex. Is it something wrong with me? Am I just over reacting or mental? I just can't understand why it bothers me so.. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Miamine, You seem to have hit the nail on the head. Interestingly enough when you mention the "good sex" bit, she does tend to twitch and shudder once we're done. And I will keep in mind about the "keep going" bit, maybe I'll see if she'll let me keep going slowly and steadily.Everyone else has helped majorly, thanks loads!
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (26 February 2010):
 Damn.. your problem is very interesting and you seem like a nice boyfriend, it would be so nice if you and her could be happy, secure and totally in love together..
Reaching back into my memory banks... aaaahhhhhahhahahaha!!!!
Yep, reading back your posts, maybe your technique is not wrong, maybe it's just too bloody good. The orgasms given by men you love can be very extreme and totally rock your world and universe. Especially if they are keen to keep you happy, and can orgasm more than once. Yes, we can get oversensitivity, it's when the sex is just toooo good.. It's a little frightening and a little overwhelming, when we sometimes just want a little orgasm and relaxation. Solo masturbation is ideal, because it's just nice and warm, not bloody, shake the world, bang the drums, turn off all the lights the world is ending.... Sex with you is too good, and it's exhausting.. sometimes she may just want a tiny orgasm, something to help her relax and sleep, not a massive "ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! damnmmnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!! HELP ME!!!! I'M DYING!!!!!!!!!" session..
Self orgasms are more like.. mmmmmm.. ahahaha.. nice.. done.. finished.. that was nice..
That's why she may always like to keep masturbation in her life.. Sex God's who rock your world are nice, but it's also pretty exhausting, physically, emotionally, and spiritually... lol.. :)
About over-sensitivity.. I had that, as well as bad sex because I was a virgin, and he wasn't much better, he didn't have much experience when we were young and first dating.. After many years together, he began to know me, and "force" sex upon me, to try to break through the sensitivity barrier... "not again" I would say.. "too much".. and he'd hold me down and start again, and I'd find out that yes, I could go again... I suggest this very carefully, because unless it's in a loving relationship where people are locked in intimacy and know each other well, this could be mistaken for force or rape... but in certain circumstances, we need to push past the barrier of fear in sex.. be careful, just telling you what worked for me, your woman may not like it, and may become scared.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 February 2010):
Atually, after your question and several other post about pornography, loneliness and it's acceptance and rejection by a partner, I went off last night to do a lot of research.
I Can provide links if you want them, about what sexologist sugest will help to build long and lasting relationships.
Beingblack has given a great answer. The sexologist suggest that open communication about sexuality and feeling loved and respected by your partner are very important things. Now it's necessary for her to have her time alone, but you need to have a special place and be able to share as well. Continuously pushing your partner away for solo sex makes them feel rejected, and may be a sign that you have sexual issues that need to be talked about. But wanting to be alone to masterabte is also normal..
Sorry, I'm tangling this all up.
Can you both make solo masterbation time a shared thing. Like Beingblack suggested, hold her while she dose this, but don't interfere, just hold her and make her know you accept her. But then off course, she should do the same thing when you are masterbating or having solo sex.. if you can't do this, another thing I find usefull, is wipping my partner down from head to foot with a warm wet cloth. Something, anything to make solo sex less of a ME thing that makes you feel rejected, and more of a US thing, that respects both your relationship together but also your wish to be seperate and free within a relationship.
I think this may work as a compromise, and make even solo sex part of your loving and understanding sexual relationship.
It's noticeable, that women with the same problem as you have neglected to answer your post with their normal suggestions that you should dump her or she is disrespecting you by doing this.
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male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (26 February 2010):
 This is awesome.
This is the 'porn' issue, with the roles reversed. Only he cannot physically 'see' what she gets off to, so he is afraid that her mind is on someone else.
Whether it is porn, or whether it is a huge vibrating, rotating battery operated sex toy, it is all about masturbation, pure and simple. I don't think that women will ever stop men from masturbating, and men will never stop women from doing it.
Why would you want to?
No matter how great us guys think we are, a woman knows her body better than any man ever can.
You masturbate. Why shouldn't she? People can sometimes fall into the trap of becoming jealous of their partners sexuality. They even try to control it. I think that is a mistake, you should try to embrace her masturbation into your regular sex sessions.
Your latest post says 'you give her orgasms'. Men don't GIVE women orgasms. It seems that if a woman is relaxed enough, and comfortable enough with her own sexual and emotional responses around that man, she will ALLOW herself to reach that ecstatic state. Masturbating helps her to achieve her best orgasms, but you have to take a more active role. If she is shy, turn the lights off, get under the duvet, and cuddle her while she does it.
This won't mean that you are a bad lover, or 'can't get the job done'. It means you are helping her, and in turn, helping yourself to understand her responses.
You have a sexual diamond as a girlfriend. Don't try to restrict her. Believe me, she has masturbated just as much as you in the last six months. She clearly loves orgasms. Find a way to appreciate that fact WITH her, and you will have a partner for life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor some clarification. By, getting the job done. I don't mean it as a task or anything of the sort. I just mean give her an orgasm. Typically we have one about the same time, or she and then I. Granted I'm not perfect, we've got a 3 or 4 in 5 average, and I do understand that can leave her a bit frustrated. But all the same she claims the buildup of frustration makes it that much better, and the buildup usually only lasts a day or hours. I'm also good for quite a few (orgasms), but she's not always (She gets this oversensitivity issue that I haven't been able to figure out how to solve).That aside, she doesn't do it in front of me, she finds herself self conscious. Despite my best efforts to reassure her that she's not only beautiful, but the love of my life and everything that I'll ever need or want, she still has some issues doing stuff like that in front of me. I did however talk her into showering together quite a few times to help work on the self consciousness. As for the question about do I masturbate, I do. But I both don't tell her, nor does it bother her that I do. And generally it's because we're not doing so together. And usually that reason is because she's already taken care of herself and is no longer "in the mood". I will give this much, it's not a massive issue. She's probably only done so 5-10 times in the past 6 months, but again if I'm here and not only willing to get her off, and she claims she enjoys orgasms with me over herself, why push me aside?Thanks for all of the replys, tidbits of each are certainly helping me understand myself and the situation better. Thanks =].
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female
reader, heather016  +, writes (25 February 2010):
i'm not trashy but i used to think i needed a guy to satisfy me sexually. apparently that's not the case, i feel that i could satisfy myself better. all the touching and kissing with that guy was good but i finally find myself really independent of any "assistance".
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 February 2010):
Get the job done? You make it sound like work. We have many women who feel the same thing, they also feel left out and inadequate and feel like their partner is cheating on them. Her sex drive may be higher than yours and she may need more sex than you can provide. Masturbation is her way of making sure she's sexually satisfied.
You say that you "get the job done", dose that means that she has an orgasm, or that you do and leave her unsatisfied. If a person dosen't feel properly satisfied they may feel the need for further sex. This is usually difficult for a man to do as he is tired after orgasm.
Sounds like your technique is wrong, you might be moving the wrong way, not hitting her arousal points, and she tries to fill the gap with masturbation. One night when your ready for sex, let her take control. Tell her you won't move or touch you until she tells you what to do. This way she'll have to say in words exactly what she likes. Follow her instructions carefully and have sex in the way she likes. A good site to look at is this web site, it has 101 sex positions that you can try. Look at it with her, and then you each choose one to practice every week. She'll probably find this more interesting than masturbating alone and it will teach you both more about how to give each other sexual pleasure. http://www.sexinfo101.com/
Or she could be stressed out and tired, and prefers the quick pleasure of masturbation rather than a long loving session, when she must consider your feelings and try to make you happy as well. In that case, again, come to an agreement about when she'll take the time to sit down and have some sex fun with you.
You don't sound like your sex life is suffering or that you have a lack of sex, instead you sound left out and lonely. Leave her to masturbate, it's what she needs. But afterwards give her a big kiss and a cuddle, sex in the morning is probably more sexier and hotter anyway. Wake her up early for some morning intimacy.
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female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (25 February 2010):
 My bf doesn't want me to do it to myself, but the reason is because he thinks i will be thinking of some other guys or celebrities or something when i do.. which i think is completely ridiculous. i don't need to think about anyone!do you masturbate? the reason she would be is the same reason you would be.. boredom, pleasure, curiosity. if it really bothers you that much you could bring it up with her.. ask her if there is things your not doing that she wants you to do. she might be shy to ask you. she might want a change with what you two are doing.. maybe a night in a hotel! new positions.. put on some music, buy her some sexy lingure, do something romantic for her like make her dinner. she might just want to change things up a bit.does she do it when you are around? or when you two are not together?
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A
female
reader, lonely planet +, writes (25 February 2010):
Try not to let it bother you. I say this as a woman who in five years has only been able to make her boyfriend 'finish' whilst having sex three times (see my questions for how one of those times turned out and we were being careful). However, previously if it was manual or oral it was fine for him. I know how you feel. I lie there crying every time (he doesn't know this) feeling useless. I love him very much and he says I turn him on but you do feel pretty shit when the one thing you can do and should do as a couple, you can't, and obviously the most intimate feeling is that of finishing together. It's frustrating and heart breaking.Instead of focussing on the final deed itself. Why don't you try other things...spice up your sex life, suggest new positions, romance, dirty weekend away as a surprise, whatever. Concentrate on getting her to finish, before yourself. Once you have done that, try getting her and yourself to literally boiling point in whatever manner you choose and then resume having sex to reach the same point at the same time together. I don't want anyone to read this and think that I am being a typical demanding woman telling you to focus on your girlfriend. That isn't the case. I am simply trying to tell you what I am trying in order to reignite my relationship with my boyfriend by focussing on his needs first. I hope this helps. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): does it effect you when she masturbates in front of you or when she does it in her own time? masturbating is natural for everyone. I can understand where you are coming from, but is it the fact that she does it that effects you, or indeed that she masturbates about other fantasies and other people? If she masturbates in front of you, get stuck in, help her out! nothing better than that believe me! Another reason why it might bother you, is that she is doing something that satisfies her without you, in which case this is a jealousy and insecurity issue. Raise this issue with her, talk about it, come to some kind of compromise and understanding .Resolve this with her and be open. After all, we all want a nice healthy and loving sex life with our partners.Good Luck!
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female
reader, sammi star +, writes (25 February 2010):
 I'm not surprised it bothers you if she's getting the job done herself and losing interest in sex with you!In one way it's a good thing, the more she knows her own body and learns what she likes and what she doesn't, the better her sex life will be with you. However, that's not going to happen if she's not going to sleep with you is it!Have you spoken to her about this? Tell her how much it's bothering you. Make it clear that you're not asking her to stop but that you want to work on and improve your sex life together. Sometimes we can become stuck in a bit of a sex rut with our long term partners but that doesn't mean she should just give up. Ask her what she thinks you can do as a couple to improve this situation. Agree together on new things to try, different positions, wine and dine her, make her feel special. Don't give up because it isn't just about the sex, it's about keeping that special bond with each other as a couple. Good luck
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