A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am engaged and soon to be married to a wonderful man. His family loves me very much and I love them too.The only thing is my in laws are very over bearing. I almost feel bad about this situation because most people aren't lucky enough to have in laws that love them. AND in my case it my my father in law that is over bearing and attention seeking most of the time.I am black, from Africa and my fiance is white from North America. From the beginning when I met my in laws they were very nice and welcoming. My father inlaw is very vocal and intense about many subjects and especially racism and slavery. When he starts talking it goes on for hours and no one gets to say anything. you pretty much have to run out of the room. The other thing is every time we have company, and this happens a lot, he brings up racism, apartheid, or some ethnic subject. They have two sons, one is married to an asian woman and one soon to be married to an african. He is very proud of this and will tell anyone who want to hear it.My in laws grew up in a small town, where everyone is white, therefore all their friends are white and they did not experience a lot of close contact with other ethnic groups especially not blacks. I noticed that when I go to gathering with my fiance I am the only black person. The ones I met are all nice people with lots of questions...you know the ones people ask you when you come from africa. Some people will understand what I am talking about here. The good thing is they want to know more about me and where I come from. Now to the problem is that every time I meet a new person at my in law's, my father in law will, almost put me on the spot! Asking questions about racism, slavery and so on! I just feel uncomfortable talking about this stuff with people I just met. Like that time when my mother in law's sister and her husband where visiting. During dinner he went on and on about slavery and how black people where unfairly treated by europeans for centuries. What a dark topic to talk about around the table! then when they left he said that they are from a small town and he wanted to teach them that the world doesn't stop at their white picked fence.Why? Or he will tell things about our personal life with fiance like, oh I told so and so you guys bought a house in Africa, or would you mind making us the plantain dish that you where talking about last time! Or tell us about the 5 languages that you speak and did you know she didn't speak english 6 years ago? Like what?! And the same thing over and over with every time a new family members is introduced me to.Ok he likes me I get it! But This is too much attention! Let's talk about something else here! I don't him to always pull out the pictures we took on our vacation in Africa and go " Hey! come we will go through the picture while you comment on them AGAIN!" Every time someone meets me.Sometimes I just want to be! No questions, nothing.How can I deal with this in a diplomatic way? And Why is he like that?
View related questions:
engaged, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Nime  +, writes (16 April 2011):
 My father is very much like your father-in-law. He is a very intense person and extremely well-read in history and has to bring it up all the time. Every time I mention a new friend or person in an anecdote, right away he asks, "What's the last name...? Ah, so he's [Jewish/Irish/Italian/Black/Puerto Rican, etc]." Then he proceeds to explain to me why the person's behavior makes sense in the context of their heritage! This is extremely annoying, as you can imagine. My sister-in-law is Romanian with a Jewish grandparent somewhere, so he is constantly finding a way to bring that up as well and remind her of it. Like your FIL, he daily tortures me, my friends, and perfect strangers with the history of a people to try and justify why they are the way they are, and these speeches will last an hour if you let him go on. He in fact does have many friends of all races, especially Blacks, but he often says the most racist things as, paradoxically, a way to discuss racism. No matter how many times I ask him to put on a bit of a sensitivity filter, he says he will, but doesn't. He just cannot do it; he does not understand that there's a time and place and audience for such controversial material, and the cashier in the local Stop & Shop is not it.
So anyway, I completely understand where you're coming from and what you're dealing with. What can you do? Well, I have found it is a common trait of older men that they will go on and on in a speech and give no one else a chance to talk. There is nothing you can do about this, even if it makes you want to blow your brains out. As far as the racism, or rather, your FIL's fascination with racism, here's your reality: it's going to get worse. As adults get older they literally lose their ability to filter out racist and controversial thoughts. You know how in your own head sometimes absolutely horrible thoughts seem to pop up out of nowhere, but you know that they're not your 'real' thoughts so you squash them down and don't repeat them? Older adults lose the ability to do that. That's why your grandmother might have been the nicest lady in the world when she was younger, but now she's a cantankerous b*tch who viciously spits out trash talk when it comes to the local Mexicans. Thankfully your FIL is not so much racist as just obsessed with race, but this obsession is never going to change and will probably get worse.
So what CAN you do? I'd say sit him down and talk to him once, NICELY. Tell him you understand he gets caught up in the excitement of the moment and wants to show you off, and you're flattered. However, sometimes all the attention on your color makes you extremely uncomfortable. Ask him if it would be okay to remind him in these situations that you're uncomfortable. That's it for the speech. Bottom line, his talk makes you uncomfortable, there's no need to get into why. Then the next time he starts bringing up your race and he asks for your input, acknowledge it with a polite laugh and come up with a way to diffuse it: "You know what? I was enjoying the conversation before; can we talk about this another time?" Or play it coy: "You'll have to ask me some other day. That topic is closed on Wednesdays (today). Let's talk about..." Be firm and polite and do not try to embarrass your FIL in front of people by implying his talk is racist. This will only alienate him. Remember your goal here: you want to deal with this "diplomatically," not convince him that you're right and he's wrong.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): I don't know what Bernard reply responded to, his response was as if your father in law was being racist and not liking blacks which isn't the case here. The case here being he is intensely facinated by you and your background and because he didn't really experience any relations with a black person before you, he is proud for his son, and likes showing off that he knows you. The talk of how horrible slavery was is just him trying to make you feel comfortable i think (even though obviously it makes you uncomfortable). He is trying to say "oh look we treated black people so badly not that long ago but here we are now where my son has met a black woman and we are supportive of it". He doesn't mean any harm, he is just curious about your culture and is trying overly hard to make you feel comfortable when you're in a situation at their house where as you say you are the only black person ("I noticed that when I go to gathering with my fiance I am the only black person")Though in trying to make you feel comfortable and welcome and not ostracized he makes you a kind of spectacle accidentally. It's really not meant in any harm, he is just fascinated by your culture and proud of his son for finding such a beautiful black woman who can speak five languages! Your his son's fiance for God's sake, of course he wants to show you off. TH.Xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Adelaide's Agony Aunt  +, writes (16 April 2011):
Dear 30-35;I can see you are in a very difficult situation and I am going to be very honest with you about it.Your father in law is not going to change. In order for that to happen the entire family, your fiance included would have to stand up to him and I cannot see that happening-can you? Or he will have a situation occur that will make the shift in him and unfortunately I can see one happening from you. Imagine you marry into this family - how long could you go on being treated this way or your children being treated this way? Believe me it is one thing putting up with being treated in a way you don't like by someone but when you are a parent it's a different story, an instinct takes over and you can't hold back on behalf of that child. I'm saying you would be even more upset and compelled to act than you are now with children on board and at that point without the support of your husband or the family behind you that is a real marriage breaker.Please, please please think about how you are going to deal with this long term and if you do not feel that it could get any better please consider if this is the right marriage for you. You did not mention your fiance's thoughts towards his father and mother's behaviour and it is the most important thing to look at because this is a "me or them situation" that isn't going to go away, it will only get worse. If he is not standing up to this then you need to look at why NOW before you are married.Even if it means sitting down with your in-laws now and diplomatically, fully raising your concerns along with your fiance - not just you talking; it is extremely important that you get resolution on this BEFORE you are married.You say that your in-laws love you but from everything you have written I have to disagree. Love does not embarrass or put down ever. Loves holds you and your opinions valid and precious. It is never overbearing or self excusing. Please consider what I am suggesting because I suspect this could eat away at your marriage and you may be best to walk away now - but for your own peace of mind, with an understanding of why it is not going to work. You walking away and the family knowing why is probably going to be their wake up call unfortunately.I sincerely hope you can resolve this , but if you can't you will be saved from greater heartbreak by leaving before bringing children into this.wishing you the very best in handling this situation, Adelaide's agony Aunt.
...............................
|
