A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Did I overreact? I've been with my boyfriend for seven weeks but because he lives quite far away we've only seen each other seven times. When we do meet it's only for a night and a bit of the morning as our work shifts clash. He told me he loved me very early on and I also felt we had a deep connection. Everything has been wonderful until very recently. He is Italian and I am English and there are some cultural clashes between us. I am an independent woman and I've always looked after myself. He believes that the man should be the breadwinner and the woman should stay at home! He's said a few things before which have raised alarm bells but I've always assumed he was joking. Earlier this week he began criticising me for being anxious about things and told me unless I could chill out our relationship wasn't going to work. Sadly it's in my nature to be like this. I was already feeling worried about us and then we were chatting online two nights ago and he started saying some very chauvinistic things, implying that women couldnt have proper careers and that he's the boss! I was shocked. I decided we should call it a day as I felt he had no respect for me but wanted to discuss it with him first. Last night online I tried to sort it out. He said he was joking about it all (but it honestly didn't feel like he was) and that I had disappointed him by being so superficial! He attacked my personality and blamed me for everything, eventually saying that love in the UK must be fragile and unreliable. I feel completely sick and hurt. I don't really understand what happened and now I'm worried that I've caused all this. Did I overreact? I think maybe I'm not tough enough for a relationship. It all seemed like a wonderful dream, now it's turning into a nightmare. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sunrise +, writes (10 July 2007):
 Good luck and stick to your principles x x
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 July 2007):
 I do wish you luck. I hope I'm proved right, not for my own sake, but for yours. He does seem to have been raised too conservatively for you; I hope he isn't a bad guy.
I have a personal reason to say you should be patient: I was rejected in a very similar situation. And, DID I love her (only I am less conservative than him; I wouldn't ask anyone to stay at home and be the housewife).
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLittle update for you all! (Thanks so much for your care and advice.....it does mean a lot!) My boyfriend didn't respond to my email until today (he said he had friends over and was too busy). He wants to meet up Wednesday evening for a chat. It was a very short email and didn't say what he wanted to chat about but I replied saying we should meet in my home town for a drink. He seems very formal and I'm worried he's just meeting up to have a blast at me! I'll be anxious till I see him on Wednesday then I guess I'll have an answer one way or another. I'll let you know what happens! Wish me luck. (Thanks again!) x
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (7 July 2007):
 You did the right thing sister! Don't comprommise yourself and settle for less. You are smart for setting the ground rules early on in this relationship and giving him the chance to take it or leave it. If he comes around again, still interested in pursuing a relationship you, just keep your eyes open and watch for more signs into his character. You may still need to pull the plug if he starts acting too macho and controling, or being verbally sharp with you. I admire your strength. You go girl!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (7 July 2007):
I think you've done the right thing, madam, which is talking. Honest, direct conversation is the key to solving this differences, as love and willingness to solve problems are important, too.
I see I failed to convey my point of view. Cultural differences considered, there are still men who will fail to appreciate a lady, and I agree you must demand respect for who you are. But then, I would like you not to be too quick to react, like he's done. It is very, very easy to misunderstand a person from a different culture.
I would like to give you another example to illustrate this point. Once I knew the problem a South African had with a Nicaraguan woman. The story the people told me, in laughter, was that South Africans regularly kiss each other in the mouth, even if they are only friends. Now, Nicaraguans don't, but it is a normal practice to kiss a lady on the cheek. So, the South African didn't know what to do and decided to shake hands with the lady. This was an insult.
I'm sorry, but I don't think a single e-mail, and then one written by you, is all the information he needs to know who you are. If I wrote an e-mail to you, about me, describing myself, would you say you already know who I am?
Maybe what I'm missing here is the actual things that happened between you two. Maybe he was insulting, downright bad indeed, and this is the problem.
I am with you, madam; but I am a man, and then a Latin, and I happen to know how he thinks. And I'm here to help people. I've been there, too, madam. This is why I recommend to take things slowly.
Maybe the one thing I can say to help you has to do with his saying, so quickly, that he loved you. Here's one of the worst and most-difficult-to-solve misunderstandings you will find. I think it's safe to assume that you think love is a feeling that comes when you get to know a person. You can't tell anyone you love him/her if you've been only a short time with them. When he finally knows who you are, well, his saying he loves you will be true. It cannot be so at the moment.
Well, I have to tell you this is the way he thinks, also, but he manages the situation in a very different manner. He is attracted to you. He says he loves you BECAUSE he wants to spend time with you and explore the relationship with you. He wants to get to know you, to be with you; exactly the kinds of things you want to do yourself, madam. This man is Italian, and I'm Latin American; but he was raised in a more conservative way than I. In our culture, if you're serious, you don't have anything to do with a woman UNLESS you say you love her. You would say "I love you" AFTER you got to know him; he says "I love you" now because he wants to have a relationship with you and thinks it's inappropriate to do that unless there is some kind of formal bond between you two.
Here's a tricky point. If he didn't say he loves you, and he stayed with you for a night, THEN I would worry. You'd mean nothing to him. His saying he loves you is no proof of anything of course; but NOT saying it would be proof of, exactly that, NOT loving you.
I want to emphasize a point: he's also missed the cultural differences. He is superficial in his assessing you. That's why I said it's unfortunate he's not available for this comment. I have to talk to you because you're the only one in this site, madam.
Again, I think you're e-mail is the right thing to do. I just would not like you to assume he's a bastard.
I see that maybe he's too different from you for you to be able to be your significant other, and I'm certainly not condoning abuse or disrespect, or mistreatment. I just want to say that things are not as easy as they seem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who replied. It's reassuring to know that most of you agree that I didn't overreact. I sent my boyfriend an email last night detailing exactly who I am, what I'm like, my good and bad points. I also made it clear that I expect equality and respect in a relationship. The balls in his court. He knows now who I am. If he's still attracted then he knows where I am but if he's realised I'm not what he wants then he can just stay away. I'm not going to do any more. I think I've been more than fair. That he said he loved me so early on did worry me as he barely knew me then. This is the acid test. Either way, I wont be compromising my values and opinions just to be with him. Thanks for the support! x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2007): Meeting and dating someone is a process of gradually getting acquainted, and - if you are looking to meet a man you hope you might have a long term relationship with - listening to what he has to say; seeing how he acts when out with you in the company of other friends (his friends; your friends) and seeing what he's like when he's had a bad day at work, for example, and not necessarily on his best behavior. Not to mention you expressing your thoughts and ideas and seeing what his response is.It seems pretty clear from this side of the computer that you are discovering a number of areas where the two of you are quite different. Not only very different culturally, but individually (yes, there probably is SOMETHING to the Latin vs. Anglo temperaments) but he was downright insulting in the things he said to you.I don't think you overreacted at all. I would only say that getting into sex so early on in such a very new relationship is never usually a good idea. He may have been (and you too) experiencing some infatuation and the "rush" of a new relationship to begin with - telling you so early on that he loved you was not a good sign, either - but then you began to find out you're not well matched at all.Personally, I'd call it a day. If you want to send an email or letter stating why you are ending it, then fair enough. However, if you HAVE made up your mind to call it quits, then just do it (explanatory email notwithstanding) and don't look back!
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A
female
reader, sunrise +, writes (6 July 2007):
Hi, I really think you should get out,you dont know each other well enough for him to be tellin you how you should be in a relationship.
You sound worlds apart, what right does he have to tell you how you should live your life, disrespecting your independance, what was it about you that appealed to him in the first place? or did he think he could manipulate you into his way of thinking and his cultural beliefs.
This is 2007 we all have freedom of choice, human rights and CAN voice our opinions. If he wants to live by his rules, tel him to find someone that agrees with it from the outset.
You dont need him and it will only get worse. x
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (6 July 2007):
I don't know that it's so much a difference in culture or it has to do with the way he was raised. My current b/f was raised by an abusive father, his mother was passive and did nothing to intervene when their Dad was screaming and hitting the kids. As a result, my b/f is now verbally abusive himself, and does not really respect women in general because I think he sees them as weak, and ineffective when it comes down to things that really matter. So he thinks only his opinion counts. He doesn't like to be questioned. His word is final. And we have hooked horns on the way he speaks to me, and the way he treats me in general. My background was more nurturing, and my parents were loving and affectionate with each other. We all come sort of subconcsiously mirror the way our parents were. As a result, my love for my b/f is starting to fade because our ideas about a loving relationship are very different. His idea of love is all about control and dictatorship, my idea of love is about nurturing, affection and support. Being kind to each other, treating each other with respect. I'm not saying this will be your fate, but there are always signs early on in a relationship. I should've taken them more seriously and left before my heart got tangled up. Maybe you should consider these signs carefully yourself. I've settled for less and I am deeply sad because of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): If he doesn't like you the way you are then thats not good enough. If he told you he loved you so early on and then treats you and your personality like this then he must not have meant it. Im personally a very anxious stressy person and tend to over-think things. But my boyfriend says it's one of the things he loves about me, not one of the things i should change. If he tells u that u should change or its not going to work hes being selfish. Have u told him that he needs to change his chauvenistic ways? Relationships often take compromise because no-one is identical. A bit of give and take. I don't think you overreacted at all.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (6 July 2007):
I was the Latin in a previous relationship and I understand both you and him.
I'm sorry he's unavailable to read this. I think you two should take things easy. Latin and Anglo souls are very different, and, as you can only judge things in the frame of your own culture, it's only too easy to fall into stereotypes and serious misunderstandings.
A cartoon comes to my mind. A man was reading a book and smoking his pipe; an Indian sees the smoke, and arrives in a rush, saying "I came as fast as I could". This is true.
In Emily Post's "Etiquette", it is said that you should not ask your relatives for favors involving their professional activities. Well, in Nicaragua it would be VERY impolite not to do your relatives a favor you're in a good position to do. The etiquette is absolutely opposite in the two countries.
I think you should try to discuss things very, very carefully and slowly, with dispassion. An Italian will find this very hard, I guess :-). At least it's likely that there will be a lot of hand gestures and screams. Aren't they just amazing?
I have a comment for you. Don't assume that every Latin will want you to stay home. I don't know the man and I can't say what's in his mind, but, to me (and I'm a Latin), a very, very large part of the appeal of Anglo women lies in their independence, and in their being different. I know how a Latin woman will react, and that often bores me. You have some good cards to play with this man.
I say, give yourselves a chance.
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