A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This really weird interaction happened when I was out with my boyfriend. We were walking along holding hands. We saw a friend of his in the street, my boyfriend called out to him to say hi. Then they were chatting briefly and then his friend looked at me and said, 'I don't think we've met.' My boyfriend introduced us and I said, 'well we have already met. Hi' because I met him about a year ago in the pub before I even knew my boyfriend. On that night he had tried to pull me. Then he said, 'well, not OFFICIALLY' and we shook hands.After that my boyfriend said that he didn't like the way his friend was looking at me, and because he was making eye contact with me and clearly coming on to me before his very eyes, he was no longer going to be a friend of his.Now he calls him his 'ex-friend'. I think it's really bizarre, I mean they have apparently been friends for several years, but he sincerely intends to cut him off completely.He has done this with other people, ie totally cut them off if they don't meet his standards in some way. He uses the analogy of a piece of flesh that is rotten. You just have to cut it off.Isn't it a bit extreme? Do you know anyone else who does this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (19 September 2012):
 Hi
Your update does change things alot.
Siblings falling out is understandable,friends too. To cut off his own child simply because he can't communicate in an adult way with the mother is disgusting.There are no excuses for that behaviour.None.
Run a mile, as he could do the same to you in the future.Knowing about his behaviour towards his child, I am very surprised you were here questioning how he treated his friend instead to be honest
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): It's OP here. I don't feel secure at all. He told me about the ex almost as soon as I met him. He said she basically targeted him and used him as a sperm donor. Then she got back together with her ex, then a series of men etc.he was so p'd off with it he left the country. But he's been back for the last 5 years. Saw the kid in town once and said 'alright how's it going?' And apart from that nothing. He says he feels nothing towards him. And as for the ex, he says she used him and is a total B/^#*. It sounds awful I know but somehow the way he told it actually left me feeling sorry for him, like, oh, I'll never be that mean to you, honey. But now I think he might be taking me for a real sucker! The way he shut down with his friend the other night, it was so cold, I can't tell you how unpleasant it felt. It felt OTT.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): Okay cutting off his own son is way too far. Sister can happen for a while, I know loads of people that don't get on with their siblings and it tends to happen a lot after the death of their parents.
A guy who would punish his own son, a child because he doesn't like the mother is a low life in my opinion, that's very petty and perhaps SVC is right and he is being equally as petty to this friend.
As I said in my earlier post I would have called the friend out on it there and then.
I think you have reason to be worried OP, this guy doesn't deal with people or things well if he's willing to just abandon his own son like that.
I know single dads that have had to fight for years against unhinged, manipulative ex's just to see their kids and while they aren't happy about the situation will never, ever give up on their kid.
OP that kid is the most important thing he has in his life and he has just given up? That means he can just throw you away on a whim too if he feels like it. It means when you face a serious issue in this relationship, which happens in all relationships, that he may well just shut down and tell you to piss off.
I cut off all my ex's as a matter of no-contact, I also don't see any value in having them as part of my life anymore so it stays that way. I meet some the odd time when out and about and will have a friendly chat but that's it. But a kid is a kid, I could have the most evil, crazy woman as an ex but if she has a kid by me then I will do my damnedest to keep them both happy, safe and financially secure, I would put up with and do my best to make sure, that all her games didn't stop me from achieving those things.
That's what we owe our children OP, every ounce of our being to make their lives the best we can possibly make them.
I have no respect for guys like your boyfriend. He actually sounds like an irresponsible coward.
You need to be careful here OP, not only can he abandon you on a whim but can you imagine having a child by him and he did that?
I just don't know how you can feel secure and be able to relax here when you know he can be that petty and one minor mistake by you on on of his bad days and you're out in the cold.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 September 2012):
 OP your update is worrisome.
He's cut off his OWN CHILD? with or without remorse?
he's cut off his SISTER? what did she do?
he's cut off a woman he once loved so much that he had a child with her? and what did she do?
While most of the posters here seem to think he was justified, I'm sensing that he was not. I'm not even sensing that the guy he cut off was that outrageously hitting on you...
maybe he smiled a bit more than he should have
maybe he admired your rack a bit more than he should have
maybe he warranted his friend taking him aside and saying "hey man I don't like the way you looked at my girlfriend please watch your behavior around her or else I will have to take more drastic action like ending our friendship"
but to end it based on one brief meeting that doesn't sound too over the top is worrisome to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): Thanks for all the replies. It's the OP here. It's good to have different perspectives. I guess I can see both sides of this now.
Still, other people he has cut off include the mother of his son, and consequently also his son (he refused to be manipulated by his ex) and his sister. He says she's dead to him now, it's as if he's never had a sister.
I guess this has been bothering me for a while which is why the most recent example just made me stop. It's the first time I've been present at the moment where such a cull has happened.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 September 2012):
 Perhaps your bf is a demanding type and has too high or too restructive standards, but in this case I think he's totally legitimated in cutting this friend off.
What kind of a friend is the one who hits on your girlfriend under your very nose ?? He does not need a " friend " who does not respect him, or whom he cannot trust.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (19 September 2012):
Hi
I think he did right, your boyfriend knows this guy and what he's like so he knows his pattern of behaviour
I too am selective with friends,so as a consequence have only true friends round me.Not playmates,backstabbers or users.I have a high tolerance level but if a 'friend' proves not to be one, thats it for me.
Consequently I can trust the people who are closest to me and depend on them,as they can me.Your boyfriend is the same I guess, but if it bothers you then look at your values and see if your compatable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): I don't think your boyfriend did anything wrong. His friend's response to you was pretty disrespectful. He kinda made it sound like the two of you had a one night stand or something.
More importantly there's probably a history between them that your boyfriend doesn't want to get into. Sometimes people hang out with people because they're fun to be around and not because they trust or respect them. It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't respect this guy. That's just between the two of them.
But the fact that this is really bothering you is an issue. It sounds like you and your boyfriend might have very different and perhaps incompatible values. Only you can decide whether or not you can accept him as he is.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 September 2012):
 I feel really sorry for people who do that to an excess. I'm not talking about people who either have a major falling out (i.e. sleeping with best friend's girlfriend or husband), nor am I talking about a friendship that has just not made it despite many efforts to patch things up or is unusually toxic, but those who can become oversensitive and just cut off anyone.
Your boyfriend's behavior, especially if you've said he does it quite a bit, should be a big red flag to you, because often when you get more serious with these kinds of guys, they tend to not only cut themselves off, but will try to cut YOU off from your friends they don't like or have dared to not like them.
I have known people who will suddenly cut off a friend for unknowingly offending them without meaning it before, leaving the friend who was cut off bewildered with no explanation of why seemingly such a good friendship just vanished. This is avoidance and not a pretty trait. I always say...if they do it around you, they'll do it *to* you.
One person I knew cut off a friendship because the friend expressed a dislike for tofu. This guy had just made the choice to become a vegetarian and was eating this "tofurkey" stuff on Thanksgiving. His friend remarked "Nobody could pay me enough to eat that", and that was all it took. No explanations, no nothing, just "I don't want to even look at him again". There are standards, and there is cowardice to talk things out.
Be careful of any guy who just cuts off a friend without an explanation or a warning, like "Hey, that's my girlfriend". It'll be a matter of time before *YOU* are the "rotten flesh" he cuts out of his life.
It may be easier to just drop a friend who has become difficult, but it's not better. Unless it's an unforgivable offense (boyfriend cheated on you), the brave thing to do is to confront and try to restore. Not as easy to just split, but it's much more rewarding and a much more mature way to handle it. Eventually, there will be no one left to cut off, because we all let each other down eventually. Better to be with someone who is forgiving and to extend the same courtesy.
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female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (19 September 2012):
My fiancee does the same thing. He calls it "cutting out the cancer." friends that do more harm than good and arent decent enough to be considered friends. Its not you he doesnt trust, its them. If they can hit on you in front of him, they can also lie and take advantage of any situation. Trust me, he did whats best for the long run.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): I do that. I have boundaries and you can't cross them, if you do then you're out. Makes life incredibly less complicated.
I've done it my whole life and will do it any time I need to.
To me, people have to earn the right to a pass on the bad shit they do to me. Most don't get a second chance but a really good friend who has great value to me who makes a mistake I can forgive. But fuck me over and you're gone.
I actually don't get how people hang on to assholes who treat them badly. Use them, abuse them, betray them then you're somehow a great person for looking beyond that and forgiving them? Have fun as they continually screw you over while I have my set group of loyal trustworthy friends through years of selection and pruning.
Who wants a garden full of weeds with the odd flower when you can just rip those weeds up and have a beautiful garden?
I honestly don't get it and you know what? It works very well, I haven't so much as had one friend do anything to betray me or screw me over in about ten years. They all know my limits, find the same things unacceptable because I've gotten rid of all the douchebags and bitches and only have good people in my life.
Look I might sound like a hard ass but I'm actually exceptionally tolerant of most things. Take my last beer without asking? I won't bat an eye-lid. Puke all over my house while drunk and smash the place up? Just clean it and you're good.
Come on to my girlfriend, threaten her or me in any way, steal from me, get violent with me and you're gone.
I won't list them all suffice to say a guy who will openly come on to your girlfriend right in front of you thinking he's playing a sneaky little game of denial too and he's gone. That "friend" is a sleazy little sneaky douche and I don't understand why your boyfriend didn't call him out on that right there. Probably not the right place or maybe you're not a fan of that kind of thing.
So this guy plants the seed of letting you know he still wants you right in front of you, well what use is he as a friend if he can't be trusted around you?
"totally cut them off if they don't meet his standards in some way."
Yes of course, we all do OP. Say you had a friend who raped and killed a 5 year old girl, I'm pretty sure that's well below the standards you expect in a friend and you'd cut them off and not think about them again.
Well some of us are just more strict in our standards and have a bigger list.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 September 2012):
 I think that is really an unpleasant trait. To me is seems like he expects YOU to have nothing to do with that guy too, that your BF doesn't trust you to NOT fall for this guys "lust" - like you are some wanton woman....
Or like he OWNS you so no one else can look at him or the will fall in his "bad graces"...
Yea, that is just a little much for me. A little too paranoid.
The dude looked at you, flirted a tad and was friendly to HIS friends new GF... that is all...
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 September 2012):
I know people like this... once they decide you are no longer welcome in their lives it's like you are dead to them.
It seems very unforgiving to me... and inflexible.... and it raises some concerns about how he will be with you if you do something to upset him...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 September 2012):
 No, I can't say that I know anyone like this. Does he announce his standards in some way?
It sounds a bit extreme to me.
What other issues have surfaced with him? How long have you been dating him? Is he a caring and compassionate man or is that difficult for him?
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female
reader, nat1972  +, writes (19 September 2012):
 Sometimes in life we make judgements about people and who we befriend and trust. He obviously doesn't trust the exfriend, which is understandable. Friends don't treat each other like that ie go after girlfriends etc. So to me him cutting off his friend, I would do the same. He has values and he could see his friend over stepping the mark. I don't think its jelousy either. To treat another like that over a female and go after the female is not showing true friendship.
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