A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is this abuse?We were being intimate and I was enjoying being close with him (boyfriend of just over one year) and I have been doing kegels a lot because he tells me almost every other day that I'm 'too big' for him and that it must mean that I'm a wh*re. I have explained how it hurts me when he says that and he didn't say it at all today or this past weekend - this past Friday was the last time he said it.I asked if he could feel me clenching my kegel muscles and he said he couldn't feel it so I made a sad/disappointed face and he became very very angry at me and began pinching my upper arm saying "you can feel THAT you can feel THIS?! God, you are such a wh*re. I'm sorry that you've f***** so many N*ggers who have stretched you out, you wh*re, go find another boyfriend because I am normal, you are not normal."I began crying and he kept going, telling me how large I am (despite the months, yes MONTHS of my begging him not to say it because of how it makes me feel) and what a wh*re I am and then goes on as though he's speaking with someon "Look at her, my girlfriend says THIS blah blah blah while she can not even be passionate with me, of course I don't feel her she's too big" and I become more and more hysterical the more he goes on. This is probably a very stupid question, but I need someone to slap me in the face with answers that I can't grasp myself. I feel so trapped. I feel so helpless and worthless when he becomes like that. What is going on with him? With me? Why don't I recognize myself or him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2009): I don't even know what to say. I will try to help you out. Its so hard to understand what would make a person say or do things that would hurt someone they supposedly care about. The only answer I can think of is that their own self esteem is so low that they need to make someone else feel just as low. So if he attacks your self esteem and slowly destroys it he has made himself in some sick way feel better. This pathetic man doesn't validate who you are as a person, and he doesn't love or respect you. He loves himself. So don't sweat it, because you are a beautiful person and you definately don't need him. "He didn't know what he had, but he will when you are gone.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): I don't believe this a true question. In case it is, you should get out of the relationship, duh! obviously. You don't need to take a questionnaire to figure that out. Simply, tell him, his penis is too small; that he needs to go to a doctor, maybe to get an implant. Say that he can't satisfy you. (Hold up your pinky and wiggle it, all with a very sad frown.) Say you need a more "normal" or adequate sized penis. Do so in public. And don't see him again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): There's just not enough said in this world about 'Mental Abusers'. It's all about physical abuse.
A woman has to be Very Strong minded to handle a manipulator or the man will bring her down.
I'm starting to weaken, so here's my observation.
Woman in these relationships:
-are told to go on anti-depressant drugs to numb our feelings...so we won't cause 'problems'
-go into denial, seperate your mind from reality. My mother-in-law is a classic case. Talking to her is like talking to a little girl. It was the only way for her to survive.
-and the worst, just a shell of a woman waiting to leave this world
Lately I think the best thing that can happen to a woman of a 'mental abuser' is for him to fall in love with someone else and leave you.
So my friend, I would get out now before you go down a dark road. Turn the other way into the sunshine, because there's men out there that will cherish and love you for you.
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A
male
reader, guppypig +, writes (24 March 2009):
Your boyfriend is chronically jealous. He is a pitiless misogynistic racist and he talks to an invisible audience.
Leave this jerk. In all likelihood he is sleeping with whores anyway. Hence the obsession.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): Please get out of this relationship. It is 100% abuse. You know it but you need acknowledgement and you have it on this website so act on it. I was in an abusive relationship and the turning point for me was when someone asked me if, as a young girl I had had hopes and dreams and... were they this? This hideous life I was living? Was this what my parents had hoped and dreamed for their daughter? Was I not letting them and more importantly myself down by taking this heartache and punishment? It touched me so much when I thought of the tenderness and innocence of being a little girl and dreaming of my life that I thought "no more - this is not what I wanted and I owe it myself to get out." You don't need to explain to him. Just leave him. Need more proof? www.hiddenhurt.co.uk
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A
female
reader, salvadda  +, writes (24 March 2009):
 You really answered your own question. You have been "crying" You are feeling "trapped" and "worthless" You are also feeling "hurt" and "sad" These are not good signs. You are NONE of the quotes, nor are ANY of them. Need I add that pinching as he, along with his words is a form of abuse. I am very sorry to say yes it is all abuse.
I would like to say that all those feelings, emotions and thoughts you recieve from him do not equal love/respect. They are very negitive, and harmful to you both emotional and pysically.
NO ONE at all deserves to be treated like this, and I feel you are asking for answers that in your heart you know.
It's not about what you look like, or how you are when two people are love. It's about accepting you for what/who you are. Love doesn't/shouldn't recongize shape, colour, gender, religion, or come with condictions. It is a love of heart/soul. We all know looks fade. We need more than looks to keep us together when we grow old. It is more of an affair of the heart and soul. When you look at someone through their soul you will see no shape, no colour, to be blunt you will see no fault. Even though we have faults this is true, but when we are in love we would try to over look it/ accept it. If not we decuss it without anger, without putdowns/insaults. We should be equal to our partner not be below him/her. When a person looks into the eyes of their partner of 10, 20, 30yrs and so on they will see that person they feel inlove in with. I can't tell you it's perfect and we all need to work things out once and a while. But there is no excuse for the way this man is treating you.
His language that you have discribed that he uses towards you and others tells me alone that he has no respect at all. This man needs help, but not from you. I will guess he doesn't even think there is anything wrong with the way he talks or treats you. When one is blind/tunnel vision it is hard to get through to them. You have told him how it hurts you when he speaks this way, so he knows. I'm also sure he has seen you cry.
I do with you in mind feel this is not where you should be. Your situation will not get better only worse.
I ask you very seriously to give what I write thought. I will put it to you in question form.
Does this man not make you happy
Does this man hurt physically?
Does this man make you cry?
Does this man put you down?
Does this man not care about your feelings?
Does this man make you feel helpless?
Does this man try to control you?
Does this man try to isolate you?
Does this man verbally abuse you?
Does this man always say he is sorry afterwards?
If you have answered 4 or more of these questions with yes it is time to think of leaving.
You may love him and think he can change. It is very unlikely that he will. A person who acts, speaks as he does will not be able to change until he comes to know/believe that what/how he is acting/doing is unacceptable. By what you described I can't see him changing.
I feel very bad/sad for you. This may not be what you wanted to hear. But it is best to state an honest opinion than to give you false hope. I would ask you to go to speak to a doc. about this. Not let this person know. Tell the doc what has been going on, and he/she can give you information on how to deal with this. It is best for your sake/safty not to say anything to your b/f at this time. You do not know how he will react. Even with all the nasty things he has said and done to you, it might be a fact of him looking at it as a form of rejecting which might add more anger to your situation. This man you are with is very angry, and you don't want to add any more anger than he is already carring.
I do hope things get better for you, and I do hope you find the courage to speak with a doctor about this....
Good luck and please take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): One of the most basic of human rights is "you have the right to be treated with respect and dignity".
I couldn't agree more with the advice you have been already given, hun. What does your bf's behaviours tell you? What he said to you about your body was unecessary, hurtful and damaging. He has big problems himself. He needs serious therapy. Insecurities, no confidence, no respect...the whole gamut. This is his problem and he had NO right bringing that into this relationship with you.
People who belittle don't know 'how to care'and trust. They tend to manipulate others..to cover their own lack of self-love, their own inadequacies and 'short'comings, so to speak. You are in a relationship with a man who is immature, who is broken himself and he's verbally abusing you. Guys like this, do not stop doing this, because verbal abuse is about his ego, his feelings of power, not love. Any future you may have with him is grim.
He has scarred you emotionally and planted the seed of self-doubt deep within you. Please don't become an emotional casualty, anymore, to his cruel words. You sound like an wonderful, caring attractive girl with some smarts. But you need to use thse smarts, in how you allow others to tear you down. Never tolerate slurs and insults on your body or on YOU as a whole person. Nobody has the right to do that to you. What this guy has done is not love...you have to be honest with yourself about that, hun. You have a choice..to allow his pathetic mindset and 'negativity' to forever scar you or you can just realize you are beautiful and unique, just the way you are and dump his sorry butt. And never ever give this guy's cruel comments another thought-it's a waste of energy...get out there and just enjoy life and realize a true, genuine, caring 'love relationship' is 'not' about the size of one's gentalia. It's about the size of one's heart and the ability to love without harsh words, criticisms and meaness.
And once you dump him and get over all this, get out and date. Always remember to uphold yourself to a higher standard, when choosing, whom you date. From now on...spot the warning signs that someone in your life, is a potential abuser. Establish firmer boundaries and develop a stronger sense of self. Always, always...confront the people when they becomes abusive and please...never feel remorse, confusion or heartache. Learn to be be strong, fight back and realize, You are a good, decent person who should be respected...always!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): Pvtguy Is Absolutely right! You deserve better, but this can only get worse. Does he drink a lot or do drugs? The actual problem can be him! And by the way, he is already begun the physical abuse by pinching your arm. I know quite a bit about abuse, I endured it for many years. It always escalates! Get away from him now! It won't be easy because obviously, he has stripped away you confidence and self-esteem. That is what controling abusers do. They control your mind. They convince you that you are a piece of shit (or a whore) and deserve every bit of what they dish out and more! You begin to believe that you are lucky to have him because no one else could possibly ever want you. IT'S ALL LIES!
This guy is a jerk and an abuser. Get away from him asap!
Good Luck and Be Strong!
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A
female
reader, BioGal +, writes (24 March 2009):
Baby doll, you need to get out of this relationship as fast as you can. Maybe that's not the answer you wanted to hear, or maybe you feel like you deserve to be in this relationship - but ask yourself, would *you* do the things your boyfriend is doing to you, to someone else?
Aside from the verbal and mental abuse, pinching IS physical abuse. It will get worse. He will hit you, or worse, if you stay with him. Call a friend, call a family member, or even a hotline, for advice and a place to stay if you decide to get away from him. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, theDREAM +, writes (24 March 2009):
 You said it yourself. You feel trapped, helpless, and worthless. Anything anyone would do to make a person feel this way should be called abuse. He is obviously insecure about his sexuality and puts you down on yours to make him feel better. This is most definitely abuse. I say leave; leave now.
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