A
female
age
36-40,
*tayc63088
writes:On different occasions in the last 7 months I have posted questions regarding my relationship with my boyfriend. Just yesterday I realized how many different problems, big problems, we have that I have posted and asked for advice on. And now I'm questioning whether other couples have problems like these? I am not asking should I dump him, just asking if we are abnormal.Problems with (I'll call him Mike)--Months ago I caught him on an internet porn site looking at nude webcam girls. I posted a question about it and got lots of feedback. Also he was talking to a girl on aim and lied to me about who it was. I found out recently that nothing was going on between them, he knew I would freak if I knew he was talking to an ex so he said it was someone else, she actually even invited him out and he turned her down. Currently I am feeling better about it but there is still a part of me that worries he could cheat. And the porn thing makes me feel insecure. He is not smart with his money. He is $25,000 in debt. He tries frequently to buy frivolous things even though we are trying to save money and will sometimes have an attitude when I say no. Even though most of the things he wants to spend money on is taking me out some place. He is getting better since we have had a talk about it and will listen when I say "we aren't buying that."He is a daddy's boy. This is the reason he is in debt, because his father needed the money. I am scared sometimes that his father will come before me at some point, even though he says it won't ever happen. He worries constantly what his dad thinks of him and also his cousin, really he would do anything to help these people and they walk all over him. He makes up excuses for them and will somewhat agree with me but still turn around and do something else for them.Ok and the biggest problem as of late- childish attitudes. I'm not sure how to handle this one. He is sensitive so sometimes something will get to him and he will walk away with an attitude, much like a child would. His parents have told me they tried to fix it in the past, like the way he would stomp around when he gets mad, but to no avail. Also he has punched a wall before. But after talking to his parents and looking up signs of an abuser he is definitely not one. I actually had almost every quality listed of an abuser, lol. But he has great things about him too-He values my opinion and if something really bothers me he won't do it.He is funny and fun to be around. We both play video games and watch the same shows. We always have a great time and I miss him when he has to go to work. He tries to help me clean and cook all the time. He isn't the best at it, bless his heart, but he tries. He is patient with me, and lord knows I am a pain in the ass... I am moody, sensitive, cheap, superficial, jealous, insecure, controlling... just to name a few. He loves me just as I am. Sometimes when we fight he says he isn't allowed to do anything but when we get over it he always says he didn't mean it and he is the happiest he has ever been. Because of the porn thing he did he destroyed his computer for me so he could prove he has no interest in it.He was a reservist in the marines and quit the military so we wouldn't be apart. He would have been sent somewhere in the next year or so but he wanted to be free from it so he could focus completely on us. Also he knows I can't handle being apart from him so it was mostly for me. Ok so that's it. I feel like now I have listed everything about us that is going on that I have posted in the last few months. What I am wondering is if those problems are ok things we can work through or if the relationship really is just screwed up. I love him. Does this relationship sound just really messed up, or can you tell we do love each other and want to work on everything? I listed the great things about him so nobody would think he is an asshole, because he isn't and I'm not saying he is. It's just from all the posts I have posted in the past I haven't got to put the good things and each post has been one of the above problems on their own, so everyone always said to leave him. I wanted to get everything together and get someone's opinion on everything. I hope you understand what I am asking. And if you took the time to read this then thank you very much. Also, is it possible to fight frequently but still have the relationship work out? We fight about stupid things every couple days and I have always heard that couples rarely ever fight in a perfect relationship. We do love each other though. And how do you know if it is meant to be? We are lately getting very serious, he has given me a promise ring promising pre-engagement. Like I said I love him but get scared sometimes. Like what if I'm not meant to be with him. But I don't want to leave him by any means. I just want to know how you know without a doubt that you are meant to be together. Any opinions or advice would be great. Thanks again. And sorry for how long it was.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): I'm the anonymous poster. I guess you have to take into consideration your own less-than-sterling qualities like being overcontrolling (I tend to be that way myself, but try not to be. I know in my case it kicks in when I get frustrated with behavior from my late husband, and now my s.o. and I do get angry when I thought/think both of them were/are not acting in their own best interests.But that aside, what's "normal" for one person or couple, may not be for another. The thing is, if you are able to accept him for who he is, "warts and all" as the saying goes, and not get too frustrated over what you don't quite approve of, that's one thing. Similarly, if he can accept you for who you are, less desirable qualities included.I think we do get frustrated because we care. If we didn't care, we wouldn't be so inclined to get angry and attempt to change the other by being controlling. However, as I'm sure you are aware, while we can express how we feel, its not possible to MAKE someone change.From this side of the monitor, buying a daily soft drink doesn't sound all that extravagant. Can you take some of the pressure off? Or do you feel he will "backslide" if you don't stay on his case?Consider: are you both really comfortable and happy together if you are fighting so much? Some arguments are inevitable, but almost daily???? That's something else.And yes, I do know what you mean about having cold feet and wanting to hold off on getting married right now. Possibly your own tendencies in your relationship are one of the things that give you pause.My final advice to you is to not rush into anything, and do try to find a counsellor you can explore these issues with!Good luck!
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (30 January 2009):
Stayc63088 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you both for the advice. For the anonymous poster, I am not scared of him. I meant fear of being with him in a totally different way. Like scared to get married, cold feet type of way, do you know what I mean? Not that we are getting married right now, I just worry about everything in advanced. And also about the money, he has given me his card and has left me in complete control of his money. We had been talking about doing a debt consolidation recently so we may do that. And his dad is talking of refinancing their house and plans to pay off 'Mike's' bills with that money, but who knows. I know he is childish in the frivolous things he wants, a big one is to buy a drink (like a mountain dew not a alcoholic drink) everyday. And I know I am a bit stingy because I don't want him to buy ANYTHING. To be completely honest I am in control of the whole relationship and if anyone is scared it's most likely him. Not that I am scary... but there is nothing scary about this guy. I know punching a wall sounds terrible but you just have to trust me that you need to know him to understand he is far from abusive. My father is so I know all of the signs. Oddly enough I show these signs which I guess I get from my dad, not that I would beat up 'Mike', lol. He is just childish at times. I really do feel his good qualities outweigh his bad ones. If he were to list my qualities on here they wouldn't be great, and I know that. I feel bad for him a lot because I am so controlling and get on him about damn near everything and he puts up with it for god knows what reason. I think I still came across like I was trying to complain about him but I really wasn't. Just wondering how probable it is to be able to fix little childish attitudes and money issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): First of all, TRUST in any relationship is of the utmost importance. Without it, your doubts about him will be triggered by (seemingly) small incidents and unless he can demonstrate to you without question, by his actions, NOT just by his explanations, your mistrust and questionings will eat away at your feelings/thoughts concerning him.
Second, its commendable that he wished to help his father financially - SO LONG AS he could AFFORD to do so without getting into debt himself. The fact that he can't (or won't) refuse his father and his cousin and will not politely set limits as to what he can do for them, is definitely not a good omen for your relationship.
Then again, you tell us that he's not good with managing his own money and wants to buy things you don't really need, and gets huffy when you say "no" because you're trying to save, doesn't bode well. $25,000 is a lot of debt, and any (sensible) person would attempt to make it a priority to pay it down and eventually get rid of it entirely!
However, you did say he's getting better since you had a discussion with him. It would be a good thing if he would realize the advantage of being a bit more disciplined about spending for himself. I guess you might want to allow a little leeway for "frivolous spending" once in a while, such as going out for a nice meal once a month, sort of thing, and then see whether he sticks to it. If he does, so much the better, but if not and he shows no real improvement over time, then that should tell you something.
Your biggest concern is his "childish" attitude. He may not be an abuser, but you are wise to be concerned about his (again) lack of self-discipline when he gets mad. There's other ways to handle anger: write out his feelings on paper (or throw it on the computer); go out for a brisk walk, or run, but also he should try to understand just why something or other set him off. Possibly he could take some classes in anger management - IF he seriously wants to get a grip on this and learn to become a bit more mature. Punching a hole in the wall is pretty violent!
If the two of you are fighting every couple days, for whatever reason, and you say you feel scared, you would be well advised to pay serious attention to your fears and not just dismiss them. You may well love him, but the point is, can you live with him?
You told us about his good points, I noted that. It is true that people in relationships do have disagreements sometimes and may get angry and upset with one another. However, you have to give very serious thought to whether his good qualities outweigh the bad ones - and as you said, your feeling is that you do have "big problems" with him.
Some "time out" i.e., time spent away from him would be worthwhile. It sounds as is he is living with you, which might make it a little difficult to get time away. Could you go on a trip for a week or even a couple days with no contact? Time to think and evaluate your situation. I'd also recommend you find a counsellor to talk all this over with to get helpful suggestions and clarification.
This is about all I can think of right now. Maybe other aunts and uncles will pitch in with some useful suggestions.
Oh, one last thing: don't get engaged or "promised" while you have these doubts and questions!
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A
male
reader, cdjudd +, writes (29 January 2009):
I can relate to most issues you have stated here. Porn is not so much of a problem. Alot of guys just have a huge sex drive. Now when porn turns into him coming up missing one night and what not then you'll find there's a problem. Now lying is a HUGE issue. Lies are not measured, a lie is a lie. If you ever find signs of constant lying then you leave immediately because they DO NOT change. I am getting the point that he's spoiled, which isn't necessarily a bad thing UNTIL he starts being wreckless with it and expecting something for doing nothing. I'de say it's mostly a normal relationship, aside from the lying and acting childish. Truth is, we all know there are ups in downs in relationships but we work through them or we dont. I don't think you could put a label of "normal" on a relationship. Keep your eyes open for things he said he'd change. Remember, it's okay to be very generous but make sure you backbone is in tact.
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