A
female
age
30-35,
*obrie
writes:I'm 16 and I've really only been attracted to older men (mostly teachers and other figures of relative authority, etc. I don't appreciate guys my age cause they're all terribly immature) and I love a guy who's 31 - that's 15 years older than me. I love him because he is the most amazing, clever, mature-but-still-able-to-connect-with-me, gorgeous and wonderful person that I've ever met. I look at him with so much admiration that it has become adoration. He means a lot to me because of who he is, and because he pulled me out of my depression.I know that I love him, and I think that I am /in/ love with him... and I know that he loves me, but I don't know if its in that way. (He's originally my step-father's best friend, but he's sort of been adopted by our family because he's such an awesome guy. He was working on re-building the deck at the back of our house and I was helping him with that, that was awesome and mostly how I got to know him) He used to always do cute things and he'd compliment my rather scant clothing (I don't usually wear short clothes like that, so it was nice to get positive attention for it. I originally only wore the shorts cause it was muddy and I didn't want to ruin any proper pants) and how I looked, he'd call me gorgeous, things like that. Really lifted my self-esteem, and I think that's what helped the most with my depression.Now, however, he's left the country to work in Australia for a bit because there are better job opportunities there (which is so admirable to me - seeing a problem in your life, seeing that you can fix it, and then actually going and fixing it even if it means leaving your home for a bit? Amazing) and recently his girlfriend of 10 years broke up with him, and I don't know why someone would willingly remove him from their lives; he's seriously the most amazing person I know. He's really shaken up about it, but he says he's gonna be okay. He's asked me to visit him (both before and after the break-up, so it wasn't triggered by that). He says he misses me and my hugs, and I miss him and his too. I really really want to visit him.I suppose I don't really have a question surrounding this, but I think I need some insight from an outside source, because I'm too close to the situation and can't think clearly because I love him.Really, I guess I'm asking, What's going on? Is this wrong? I've thought about this situation so much that everything is really muddled and my judgement would be completely skewed in a particular direction, if you get what I mean. I don't know if there's action that needs to be taken, or what I should do or what. I am confused!
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best friend, broke up, immature, older men Reply to this Question
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female
reader, BunnyTee  +, writes (3 June 2010):
 Have you ever heard the old saying:" Err on the side of caution"? It means if you're uncertain, go ahead make the mistake, but do so so the error is due to being cautious, saving you from making the worst mistake. You're a smart girl, think about it.
I'd say just about all of us her are significantly older than you, sweetie. We're not saying don't do this in effort to prevent you from having the time of your life, but rather, we know where this is going and what the results will be due to experience you don't yet have. You're not a grown up woman, yet. You have lots of time for this out ahead of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Bunny, Yes it is, very hard.
Torbie, Will you re read all these answers again.
Remember you are 16 and his is 31.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (3 June 2010):
Hell yeah! Cindy!
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (3 June 2010):
Agreed, Vintage. But it's certainly very hard to stand by and hope the too-predictable-outcome by-passes her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Just please be careful if ur not ready to do anything yet don't go to him, it doesn't matter how kind he is or good-looking, he's a guy and they're pretty much the same sometimes.. !xFrogloverx
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 June 2010):
 Yes Tobrie, I get the feeling you'll get to do and learn a lot of adult stuff while you are visiting a 31 y.o. man who used to compliment your scant clothing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Bunny, I think she does know we have tried to tell her. I suppose sometimes you need to find things out for yourself one way or the other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): You have to take responsibility for building yourself esteem; it's not healthy to attach your ability to feel good about yourself to being in this man's presence. He probably cares for you as a little sister, but you see him as so much more and look to him as some kind of emotional savior. Will you fall back into depression if he doesn't return your affection? I appreciate and respect your desire to take on adult roles. And it's great that being around this guy makes you feel happy, but I fear he is the only person you find joy with. Do you have other friends whose company you enjoy? Maybe you wouldn't miss him to much--or tie your happiness to this guy--if you built a support system for yourself at home.Please give a bit more thought to your motives and expectations from this visit.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (3 June 2010):
Just remember, sweetie, we tried to tell you....
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female
reader, Tobrie +, writes (3 June 2010):
Tobrie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think I was being deceptive. I want to visit him for lots of reasons. I miss him, he makes me feel happy and safe, and I haven't seen him since I figured out how much he has helped to change my life for the better. I also want to go to finally do something for myself - the flight, alone, going through customs, booking flights, 'grown up things' so that I get some practise at having to do official, adult stuff while I still have stability at home (I told her that too). Yes, I do want to visit him because I love him, but to be honest, I am a little confused about my feelings toward him.
I love him, but I'm not entirely sure if I love him in that way, or if I love him like one should love a family member or friend. I know he's important to me and he makes me happy. He's an awesome person and my mum agrees. Sometimes I think I have feelings for him and other times I honestly don't know.
I feel safer with being able to change my mind, since I don't know that my mind is made up yet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): I think you were very deceptive when telling your mother why you wanted to visit this man. You focused on the friendship and completely ignored your true motives. Why couldn't you be totally honest with her? If you don't see anything wrong with this situation, why not tell her the truth?
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female
reader, Tobrie +, writes (3 June 2010):
Tobrie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEyes open and wary.
Thank you very much for your advice. :) And for not treating me like I'm stupid. ^^
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Hi Torbie,
Men, no that's not fair, people don't always tell you the truth, they tell you want you want hear.
Just keep you eyes open and try not to get too blinded.
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female
reader, Tobrie +, writes (3 June 2010):
Tobrie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I asked her, I didn't tell her that I love him.
When she asked if there was another reason for wanting to visit him apart from the fact that he's awesome, (she said that, really. That helped.), I did say that I wanted to visit him because I didn't fully realise how much he meant to me until he had left. I told her that hanging out with him helped me out of my depression and I think she understood that I love him.
I am worried that this will be a mistake, yeah. But I'm also feeling so much more confident and happy, and I just miss him so much. I want to see him again, to hug him again. I feel safe in his arms.
He says that we're similar - the way we think and act, the attitudes we have to things (work, money, people), and I can see that. I do see your point, though.
I feel bad because I can feel myself dismissing everybody else's opinion and only listening to the good ones; I don't really want to hear anything bad about him. I am taking in the cautionary warnings though, and I do know to be careful and that I AM immature and without experience, so I therefore don't really know a whole lot about what makes people in general, and him, specifically, tick... I don't think I'd do anything stupid during my visit...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): When you asked you mum, have you told her how you feel about him?
Yes we all make mistakes, not just when we are young. Deep down there somewhere you are worried that this will be one, you wouldn't of asked the question in the first place. Have you thought about the amount of pain you might be letting yourself in for?
This man is very nearly twice you age, after the initial excitement, what are you too going to have in common? You are at different stages of your life, and always will be.
You are probably going to do what you want to do, no matter anyone says, just make sure you don't do anything you don't want to do.
Take care.
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female
reader, Tobrie +, writes (3 June 2010):
Tobrie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate on the situation. :P
I asked my mum if I can go and she's said yes. I've been talking with him and he says that he will pay half (since I can earn half the ticket by the time the date to fly arrives).
I can feel myself blatantly ignoring everyone's advice on this and that must make me incredibly immature... but I love being around him and I miss him so much. He says that chatting online with me has really helped him through the breakup and being in another country.
I love him so much - and if I can't make a mistake now, when can I? I trust him with my life and I truly believe that he wouldn't take advantage of that.
I like AmorousElement's answer, obviously. :P Thanks for all the answers though, guys! It is helpful to step outside of what I'm thinking and see other peoples' reactions to the same situation. Although admittedly nobody can really gauge the type of person he is through a few lines of text - it's hard to fully convey how awesome he is because everything I write seems so immature, like I'm writing through rose-tinted glasses...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): Girl I promise you, in ten years time you will wonder what the hell a 31 year old man would want in a 16 year old girl.
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female
reader, AmorousElement +, writes (30 May 2010):
 I don't see anything wrong about it actually :) Yes alot of boys our age are immature and I myself is attracted to older men, but hey. Your 16. Your turning into a adult soon. So I think you should go for it :) If he really make you happy, and you two love each other then there is nothing wrong with it at all. Love has no boundaries. But to be safe, I suggest you wait until your 18 to tell your parents about it ^^ They might freak out if you did now. :3
I hope my advice helped :) And I wish you the best of luck ^^
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): Ask your stepdad how he feels about you having a relationship with his best friend. Then ask your mom if she thinks it's appropriate. Please let us know what they think of you and Mr. Wonderful getting together.
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male
reader, riv +, writes (15 May 2010):
Take advantage of the reality that he is in Australia and back off from this investment of your time and emotional energy. While you are masturbating / thinking about him you are missing out on other opportunities from boys / men who are around you / your area NOW. Not all boys yr age are immature though I accept probably most of them are less mature than you are. Look out for boyfriend material nearby / in school / hobbies / activities / church even . Even if they are a couple of years older that's ok. And in my view it is best to try not to get too absolutely hung up on any one person, whatever his age - you will end up hurt if you think your first romance is forever: the boy certainly won't see it that way. Be aware in advance of the different needs males have from females in terms of relationships. I suggest you send him a goodbye text message saying that you think it is more sensible if you start looking around locally for suitable boys and you wish him all the best in his new surroundings. Once you have sent the goodbye text or email don't be persuaded to go back on it....... Move on and look around locally.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): Yeah, I'm a year younger than you, 15, and I totally get finding a older man attractive. However, this sound like you are either:A: Infatuated, most teenagers are, you know!B: Suffering from a Hero Syndrome (i.e. Admiring someone after they help you and thinking it's love.C: A bit delusional, anyone else agree?D: Or actually sincere. Everyone has their own opinions, I know, but what if this guy was kidding, or is a creeper. I get you liking him but you can never be too sure. So...if this is sincere, wait. You are young, inexperienced, and it's illegal. Go out and have fun, date a boy around your age. They aren't all immature! And when you get older and have dating experience, go for it.But consider this, what about your biological dad. As much as we don't want to we turn into our parents. They also influence our relationships. I'm not saying you want to date your dad, but just maybe this guy is a type of father figure and you are confused.Just think before you act. Sometimes logic can prevent your heart and ego from bruising.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (14 May 2010):
I must admit that I'm impressed with your obviously higher than usual level of mentality. At 16, you're remarkably thoughtful. I applaud that; with that said, I hope to soften the following from stinging too much. There are a few static and unchangeable truths in this universe: One of those static truths is that at the ripe old age of 16, there's MUCH that you cannot yet see. Most of us old codgers out here were 16 once. We know how this story goes. There are truths that are highly predictable and typical: and that is that Mr. Wonderful, ISN'T. You're seeing only a fraction of a predictably slanted picture. I don't have to know Mr. Wonderful to know that what I'm saying is true. One thing is certain: NO 31 yro man with a failed 10yr investment, eyeballing a 16 yro is a good man, sweetie. It may seem that way now, but I assure you he IS NOT the great guy you believe him to be at the moment. You will most likely find that you're a quick, easy hit to be readily forgotten,and probably very disrespected, once you go visit him. IF you ever see or hear from him afterwards, it'll be for a repeat of said quick easy hit. Then what? You'll learn this lesson the hard way if you're not careful. Consider that there's a usually a good reason an ex is an ex after 10 yrs. It's probably not a pretty story, either. Let this one go, save yourself the needless trouble, upcoming shattered heart, and lots of tears. You sound like a smart girl so play it that way! Use your head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): i have the same problem as you with liking older men, boys our age are so immature. id say go for it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): I honestly think that you are still young and he is in the wrong for sending you the message that there will be anything more than friends signal. Him being 31 should know and feel that it is very wrong to persue anything more than just friends. Trust me in time you will find a guy closer to your age and then you will know what true love is. Dont rush it in time you will find him but it isnt the 31 year old.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): You have a huge crush on him, you look up to him, because compared to he boys you know he is a man of the world, but that's just it he is a man, and your are still a girl. I am not against age gaps, but when you are 16, The age gap is big and isn't just numbers, you are at different stages in your life.
This man will probably always be in your life you will probably always look up to him, but as a friend.
It's ok to want an older guy, but not too many years older at your age, you will find someone that suits you better.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (13 May 2010):
 In my experience, even though you may be mature for your age.... there is a much greater level of maturity and experience between a 31 year old and 16 year old. It is not unusual for you to become attracted to a man like him. Actually, it is quite common. The question is him. You may just be reading his signals incorrectly because you are infatuated with him. However, you may not be... which would not say much for his character. As much as you won't want to hear it, somebody his age really shouldn't be interested in 16 year old girls. If he is interested in you in a romantic way, then that is not healthy for him.
My suggestion is to not pursue any kind of a relationship with him other than friend/family member. While you may believe other boys your age are less mature... there are SOME out there just like you who are mature for your age. Some things, both emotionally and sexually should be discovered together with somebody your own age or at least close to it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): You know what I see when I read this? Naivety.
Whilst I believe you are old enough to make the decision for yourself when and who you choose to sleep with or have feelings for, I don't believe that you have the wisdom to carry on any type of healthy relationship. Not with someone who has past his teenage years.
He would be an idiot to not be attracted to a girl in her late teens. His body is programmed to be.
But you are viewing him from behind a filter in your head. He is just a man. He is not now, nor will he ever be the 'can-do-no-wrong' person you see him as.
If he were to encourage a relationship with you, or allow you to form such ideas in your mind, he would be showing a side you cannot yet understand. A darker side.
I'm not saying it can't or even won't work out. But sooner or later you are going to have to face the fact that his girlfriend most likely left him for a reason.
Flynn 24
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