A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have a problem with a 'friend' of mine. We are both 24, college educated. We have been friends since we were 15, in July 2008 things began to get very intense. When I say intense I mean we had more contact, we have never kissed or had sex. We text every day, I usually get around 50 texts from him a day and at least one phone call. Phone calls last anywhere from 45mins to 5 hours. It seems like he is the one pursuing me. We don't live near each other, infact we live about a 5 hour drive. But we have been away together (alone) three times. We have been away several time with other friends. The first time I was so nervous, I was convinced he was going to make a move...it didn't happen. The second time I was even more convinced, I had just come back from work and took a red eye flight to meet him. It was weird. We ordered breakfast, we went to movies. He kept smiling at me. This last time he order a bottle of Dom Perinong, during dinner, he hugged me a few times during the weekend but never went any further than this. I feel loved and happy when I'm with him, but i can't figure out if he wants me or we are just good friends. I don't think this is a 'normal' friendship. Does he like me or is he gay? What do you think?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (13 May 2010):
 Oh, tricky. This could go either way. I had a friend like this once--he turned out to be gay, alas. A dear, wonderful friend who had strong feelings for me but it never would have worked out because he fundamentally wasn't attracted to women. We connected on an emotional level, did everything together, but ... nope.
It took me a long time to get over this, it was a rejection on a level I hadn't experienced before.
What would I do if I were in your shoes now? First, I'd be very cognizant that my feelings were wrapped up in this guy and the fantasies I'd built around him and "us." The more you fantasize, the more you create a mythology--I honestly think it would have been better to know at the start that he wasn't going to be able to be with me in the way I wanted. It would have saved a couple years of heart-healing.
So if you think you can handle a rejection, I mean REALLY be okay with not being wanted in a romantic, "couple" sense, then I think I would let him know that I wanted to pursue something with him. This guy has had plenty of perfect chances to start something with you and he has chosen not to. So why has he done this? He may be deeply in the closet. He may have feelings for you but plans to be abstinent until marriage. He may be confused.
I'd probably plan a weekend to tackle the question with him, so I could go on with my life, one way or the other. Be prepared, if you do this, to lose him for a while as a friend. You may not like what you hear. But if you are very caught up in your feelings for him, and it's keeping you from dating other guys, you may need to get some resolution on this. My guy would get very jealous of other men but honestly it was because I wasn't giving him the attention he was used to, it ultimately was a selfish move on his part to keep me from dating other guys. He liked my company, cared deeply for me, but fundamentally wasn't going to be my life-partner. So keeping you on a hook in this way isn't really fair.
I'd talk to your guy, face-to-face, and talk honestly about your feelings for him. At best, he'll realize he has a wonderful girl right in front of him and you'll have started a new phase of your relationship. At worst, you'll know he's not the one for you, you may lose the daily and constant texting and things will be strained for a while. But then you'll know, and isn't that a better place to be, knowing HOW he likes you, rather than have this mystery clouding your romantic life?
To finish my story a bit more, I had another friend like this. A lot of flirting, a lot of closeness, finally I had to make the move as I figured out he didn't want to mess up a friendship if he was wrong. We wound up married.
So work through the possible outcomes of finding out what is in his heart. If you can live with them, then you'll know what you can do.
Good luck! And please report back to us.
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