A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I love with my gf of two years now but I can't forget her past. She told me that she has 20+ partners before me. Worst I know some details of her past. It really bothers me a lot, thinking how many dicks have fucked her. When we got arguments, I always bring out her past life and tell how slutty she was and it really breaks my heart everytime I saw her crying. She seems to change when we're officially on, but still I can't forget. I gonna be honest, at first I thought this relationship was good as sex, not thinking I will fall for her later. And this is my dilemma. What should I do? Is this really love or I'm just pity of her? Should I break with her for good?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks SOLVEIG29
A
female
reader, SOLVEIG29  +, writes (3 September 2008):
Hi again,
I think I understand what you mean - you are bothered by her previous mentality more, the mentality that caused her to be so promiscuous in the first place.
While lots of women sleep with lots of men (and vice versa...) because they enjoy it (hey and why not as long as they're not harming anyone!) there are indeed those who are known to become promscuous to escape the memory of a bad experience. It's like every person they sleep with is one further away from the one who hurt them.
I personally prefer not to, erm, spread myself so thinly so to speak, rather I will become intimate with only a few people throughout my life, but I perfectly understand those who like to spread the lurrve a little more!
I think it is a question of values - it seems your ideas about sex are a little closer to mine; a little more traditional. While your girlfriend's are a little more radical. Can you live with that difference in each other? If her promiscuity was as a result of abad experience then there is a treatable psychological cause behind it, increasing the chance that you guys will settle together in the long term traditional relationship you seem to prefer. If, however, it is just the way she is then she may not be prepared in the future to settle with you. Or, she was like that then without a psychological cause but not now she is with you. Y'get me?
It would be an idea to talk about your hopes and plans for the relationship - is her view of the future more like yours or does she feel she might want to take off again at some point? How does she feel about her past and the sort of person she was then, the sort of person she is now. How does she see herself? Also, how does she see herself in relation to you?
I think you are very angry with her - somewhere in your background you have internalised the message that sex is special and you shouldn't put your body around. You might be surprised how deep this value goes. I have this value too and it caused some tension with my ex when I wouldn't dress up like a hooker just to please him - I preferred to look feminine and pretty. I hate all that suspenders and objectified women crap! Why did he need me to dress like that beforehe could feel turned on? Now I look back, it was a major problem for us and to be honest even for that reason alone I am glad we broke up - I no longer have to feel cheap. Wow I actually feel a physical pain in my stomach when I remember how I used to feel - that's how deep it went hon!
I seem to digress butI think my experience is valid for your situation. From the anger and the terrible insults you are hurling at this girl I think your tradtional sexual values go at least as deep as mine did. Her past is her past and she may well have left it well and truly behind her.
You need to work out how compatible you two are and just how you truly feel about the fact that, well frankly, lots of dicks have indeed fucked her! As I said previously there are upsides to an erm, well travelled lifestyle - she will have gained life experience from it!
If you cannot overcome your anger and discomfort at her past then I can't see the relationship working long term. If she is no longer interested in sleeping around and she wants a future with you you need to work out just how much you can accept the nature of her past and will not continue to be so insulting. The insults alone would be enough to end things for you if they continue hon - you mustn't be that way with her. It will not help either of you.
Similar values are SO SO important in a relationship - especially around sex, religion, politics, finance and work ethic. You won't believe how deep they go in all of us and how much they can make or break a relationship. Birth background is not as important as the above in that it is not where you came from but where you are going - separately or together. That is the choice you and your girlfriend have now.
Best of luck - keep us all posted.
Jenny xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your insights... i'm not bitter because she is "more experience" than me but before we met she is consistent with of having affair just with anybody? is there a chance that she has a terrible experience before?
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A
female
reader, Regina Souza  +, writes (16 August 2008):
Past is past, just try to make the best of your relationship. At least she knows what she wants know. Life is to short and you should focus on WHAT YOU REALLY WANT!!! Didn't you have many girlfriends before? So WHAT? Don't feel SORRY for her or anybody else. You have been with this girl for 2 years, therefore, you should know by now what are your REAL intentions towards her.As to myself, I had quite a bit of boyfriends and i finally found my SOUL MATE, whom i have been married for almost 14 years... If she's with you it's because she loves you.Make up your mind before is too late. DON'T BE A MACHO MAN!! If you cannot forget her PAST, this relationship will not WORK. Tell her how do you feel and upon your conversation it will be better for you to make up your mind.GOOD LUCK
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A
female
reader, MidtownToDowntown  +, writes (16 August 2008):
It appears that you don't have an issue with her but with yourself. So she went out and got about a bit-it's not as if she was cheating on you.
You only ever bring her past up when you two argue which shows that you're just looking for a way to hurt her and that maybe the thing really bothering you is that maybe she got about more than you before you two met.
If you really love her you'd just stop dwelling on her past life and focus on just the two of you.
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A
female
reader, SOLVEIG29 +, writes (16 August 2008):
"How many dicks have fucked her" ??! My God! You speak of her like she is a worn out bus seat "how many asses have sat on it"!! She is a human being who has lived and loved before you. She is not slutty, indeed she is probably very experienced. Provided she didn't wilfully hurt anyone in her past, she does not deserve the hurt you are inflicting upon her.
You have no right to judge her, and why on earth would you pity a woman who has had so much male attention and such a fulfilling sex life before you?
Sounds to me like she is the healthy one with a life and you are the one with the issues hon, sorry. I feel sorry for her in that if you were to break up with her it would be the best thing you could do for her.
So I will say - go ahead, do her a favour and get out of her life if you cannot change your attitude. I would dump you!!
Sorry it wasn't the answer you may have wanted to hear!
Jx
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