A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi dearcupids! You always offer great advice, so here's a question for you. My boyfriend and I recently got into a fight about a picture that was taken of me. Now Im from a different country than him, he's American. In this picture I was at a party with a good friend of mine and we were having a conversation, where I was leaning over him and talking (he was laying down on a couch and I was sitting next to him, leaning towards him while talking). No one where would create a fuss about this, but he did the moment he saw that picture. That was about 9 months ago or so, and yesterday it was brought up again. I had told him I wouldn't lean over a guy like that again, and he said I can't sit on guys laps either or be close to them like that because in the States that's considered cheating?! I had made a comment about this friend of mine and suddenly that spiraled up the argument over this picture once again. I've done nothing but respecting his comfort zone, Ive not leaned over a guy like that again, and Ive not sat on anyones laps or anything, and I always catch myself thinking "will this be okay to do or will that be okay to do". It hurts me that he would call it cheating what I did in that picture 9 months ago. Although he says HE doesn't think Im cheating, he trusts me, he believes me. But he then told me that he had found a picture of a girl who did a similar thing, and he had showed that picture to people he know and they had all called her slut and a whore and cheater and what not. And when I got hurt by this he got mad at me and couldn't understand why I got hurt by it (he basically just said his friends would have called me slutty had they seen my picture). He claimed this was a culture difference. Now Im asking you, is this really American culture? Even so, he proceeded with wanting to give me "hints and tips" on behavior so that I wouldn't offend people or make them feel uncomfortable. I asked him if I had acted out of line at parties where he's been with me, and he said no, so I said then I dont want these guidelines because he should trust that I am capable of talking to people and just being myself. But then he said that I had made his family feel uncomfortable when I was visiting them 6 months ago! He's never said anything about that before and I was under the impression that his family liked me. So that hurt a lot, but when I asked what I had done he refused to tell me.So there you go, is it true that it's American culture that a girl can not sit on anyone's lap without being judged a whore, and that she can not lean over any guy, or be too close to another person while talking? And should I accept his guidelines of how to behave? I feel like I should dress up in a burqa had he been Muslim and asked me to "respect his culture".
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male
reader, Sniper13  +, writes (29 April 2010):
I don't think it's a cultural difference, it's that his instincts are just working. Some people have it more than others. Leaning on your male friend while he is laying is a bit intimate, and don't tell me there is nothing sexual. I'm open-minded and had a good sexual education but that doesn't change the fact that I'm gonna feel a bit sexual in such a situation coz natural instincts cannot be changed by education. And definitely it doesn't mean "he is insecure about his ability to keep you" like someone said, keeping you won't make him any easier when you are intimate with someone else.So either confirm to him or review your relationship together.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (21 February 2010):
 It's not so much an American thing as it is just a thing. Not all Americans are that way. There is a wide spectrum of people in that country. I live in Canada and my city is on the border with the USA. I'm also married to an American and I've lived there. Americans have an idea in their minds of who they are, or who they think they are.
With no disrespect to Americans, you can get a REALLY good idea of how opinions vary at election time. The republicans become viscious and the democrats become socialists. They Puritan republicans try to label the democrats as being one step closer to the edge of decency and the democrats appear to try and be everyones older brother. It is usually all smoke and mirrors. The very same republicans that stand up and brag about family values, homosexuality etc almost always end up with egg on their faces when they find out one of their own is gay or having an affair. The democrats also get caught doing one thing or the other but at least they never set the bar at an unrrealistic height. They don't claim to be the "Only" way.
The trouble in the USA is that they don't actually walk the walk. The talk about the walk they'd like us all to think they walk. It is a great place too, don't get me wrong. But they are the best marketers in the world and paint a really great picture of themselves. On one hand you have a group of right wing puritans going to church on Sunday morning and foaming at the mouth about the newest automatic weapon in the afternoon. And on the other hand you have a huge porn industry on the west coast.
You can never make general statements about a people. While there may be some amount of truth there is also many people in the middle. None of us are ever as great as we'd like people to think we are.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (20 February 2010):
 UPDATE FROM ORIGINAL POSTER
"Hi, I can see there are different views on this. To inform you, he's not religious, he even took me to a nudist beach one time (his idea). -OP"
Ok, then he's not uptight, he's just jealous and controlling, tell him to knock it off, as he has no problem with the human body and nudity.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (20 February 2010):
 I've spent several years living in the states and have also lived in the middle east for extended periods, it's remarkable how similar their views on women are.
One reason I'm immigrating. To my fellow US-ians, forgive me for saying that. But, it's true. I find a lot of guys in US to be lacking something. I'm not saying that they're inherently bad people. I'm just saying that I identify with Hispanic culture more and that American culture is cold and Puritanical when compared to Latin culture. The only European country I've ever live in is Spain (amazing!!!) but I have loads of European friends and they tell me that it IS true that Europe is much more liberal.
This guy overreacted when he said that being close to an opposite sex friend is cheating. If it were some guy at a bar, that would be another story. He sounds a tad jealous and controlling.
Miamine is right about our educational system. A lot of districts are squeamish about teaching contraception because they feel it would be tantamount to endorsing premarital sex. I think: Wouldn't it make sense to teach the WHOLE truth? I mean, teenagers have no business having sex, and abstinence is the only guarantee against pregnancy or STDs, but using a condom can lower the risk dramatically. I feel kids should be taught the whole truth.
One thing to keep in mind. I don't know how serious your relationship with this guy is, but if you were to marry him, then one of you would have to move across the ocean and leave everything behind to be with the other. Which one of you would it be? I don't know... but I'll tell you this. This guy sounds controlling, and marriage WILL NOT change that. Imagine being stranded overseas in an unhappy marriage.
I mean no offense to my fellow US-ians but there are some things about American culture that I just don't identify with. It's easier to obtain a gun here than it is to see images of nudity.
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A
female
reader, jessper84  +, writes (20 February 2010):
My boyfriend reminds me of your boyfriend very contolling and if you tell him he is right and that you aplogize he feels he is gonna have the upper hand and eventually becoming more controlling causew he knows he got the power...I'm in the middle of a breakup because I can't deal with my muslims boyfriends ways....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): Hi, I can see there are different views on this. To inform you, he's not religious, he even took me to a nudist beach one time (his idea).
-OP
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): I've spent several years living in the states and have also lived in the middle east for extended periods, it's remarkable how similar their views on women are.
If he's religious it doesn't really matter if he's muslim, christian or what will you - they are all equally backwards on equality and women's rights... only in different ways.
Your guy sounds like a right knob and I'd be rid of him if I were you.
incidentally my wife is swedish as well and you guys have a much healthier attitude towards sex and relationships than most other countries.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (19 February 2010):
As a person who has lived in America, when you are dating a guy, especially the Republican types, it is important to not have too much physical contact with men who are not your boyfriend. A kiss on the cheek or a brief hug are ok, but sitting on a guy's lap would be stretching it. My boyfriend is Swedish and since I'm moving there I don't even know how I'm going to cope with my kids and the occasional nudity on public uncensored TV and nudist beaches near my future home. When I lived in America, I never encountered any nudity on TV on any of my kids' channels; even adverts are censored to avoid exposing children to adult or sexual themes. I had a PIN number to block all other channels that I didn't want my kids to see. There is no free late night porn; only on pay channels with PIN numbers too. In America the churches are really powerful; they have a family values movement that will not allow what they consider inappropriate. That's why issues like abortion and censorship can still decide an election. So just figure out if you want to be with a guy as conservative as him. Ofcourse there are plenty of American guy's who are more relaxed than this; its a big country so there isn't a single culture that dominates America. Its mostly community specific. On one end you will find polygamous religious sects with no TV; on the other you will find sex party enthusiasts. While I was there, the oft repeated phrase of "its a free country" really did ring true. So just try learn more about your guy's background.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): What you did is not cheating at all. He is just jealous and that is not just a trait in the American culture. There are questions like this on DC from many countries. I even remember one from a guy from Sweden.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): This doesnt sound good, from what I see of yankees they are a preyyt sorded bunch, however there are also quite a few biblebashers there too. So your bf might be uptight.
From what you say, you are a flirty kinda girl. Some guys cant handle this. I feel it is important that you live your life, he cant keep judging you like this.
He needs to understand that you are you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 February 2010):
Yes babes, I do think it's a culture difference. I can see you come from Sweden, where your attitudes to sex are very open and mature. Imagine, in Sweden you get sex education from when you are children, in parts of America this is forbidden, they just teach them chastity and virginity.
From reading a lot of posts on Dear Cupid, American men (some) feel that virginity is important, and can feel that a woman is a slut for wearing sexy clothes, or like you, acting inappropriately.
Sorry, yes, sitting on men's laps is not a good idea, and the picture sounds very provocative and could be taken the wrong way. I got no problem with these things, but I'm not from your boyfriends culture. Sorry, yes, the things you do are not acceptable to him, and probably not to his family
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (19 February 2010):
 Certainly, there is a cultural difference, between a free society and orthodox-puritanical society. Orthodox society do not respect Individual, choice of Individual, Individual right, right to happiness, and above all,...do not respect anything about sex. Sex means, only after marriage, which also means, orthodox ideology regard sex as a tool of procreation only... and other use, save for pleasure is punishable sin. We are not talking about system of prostitution....please make this difference. In free society,every individual is responsible for making choice about life partner..and no one is sure about choice, so every one is required to be open minded, which should not be count as immoral.
I am speaking this, with my experience, because I myself live in a most most orthodox culture. In orthodox society, individual is not free to make his choice about life partner. It is parent who decide such relationship...so in orthodox society, male and female are not permitted to relate as friend, cannot enjoy friendship, or any relationship...Society is very strict about female than male. Any female who is suspected to have sex before marriage, is held as whore...and no one care for definition of whore...sex without marriage means whore is the formulation known to ORTHODOX MIND.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 February 2010):
 If you are in a relationship, it probably isn't a good idea to go around sitting in other guys laps, but leaning in to listen to a conversation isn't any big deal. This guy is showing some serious signs of a control freak. I'd be very careful if I were you. People who feel the need to control other people have major issues and usually end up making their significant others miserable.
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (19 February 2010):
 We Americans DO have this thing about physical proximity - in that if you are too close to us and we do not know you quite well it will make us feel uncomfortable. However, that doesn't extend to controlling how close two other people can stand/sit next to each other.
Now, lap sitting, head in lap (regardless of which party it is), overly lengthy hugging, even holding hands (to a certain extent) are all generally considered to be a fairly intimate positions.
The way he's reacting has nothing to do with him being American. It SOUNDS, though, like he's jealous. And, to me, Jealousy is a sign of INSECURITY. He's just insecure in HIS ability to retain YOU as a girlfriend. Tell HIM to get over it... or it's over.
I have a female friend, who got married, and her husband basically made her cut off ***ALL*** COMMUNICATION with practically everyone she knew. She eventually caught HIM cheating... and they are now divorced and she is working through getting back into contact with all of use that she knew. It was a 20 year marriage. You don't want to fall into this kind of relationship.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (19 February 2010):
 In my view he is insecure and over reacting.
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A
male
reader, Faraday +, writes (19 February 2010):
 He is being controlling; trying to manipulate you into being a submissive for him and you are doing nothing wrong.
Even though I am from the UK, I can detect bullshit from long range when I hear it!
Maybe you would like to reconsider your relationship?
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