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age
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writes: Here's the deal. I met this guy online and started talking to him (after a long ordeal of me ignoring him) and we eventually started hitting it off. We have a lot in common, have the same views about life and are physically/intellectually attracted to each other. We would stay up into the wee-hours of the mornings chatting online, cam-chatting, and even talking on the phone. We live in separate cities (roughly about 4 hours away from each other)..and were in talks about maybe even visiting each other. He seems like a really nice guy and sends me texts throughout the day to see how I was doing. After a couple of weeks of chatting (approx. 2), we finally decided to meet in person. Everything went great...but we wound up being intimate. The sex was great...we get along quite well in that arena. But it wasn't something I planned since I was in a downhill relationship at the time (my long-term bf being emotionally abusive towards me...dealing with his own issues). I admit I was pretty fucked up being intimate outside of my relationship (even though it was on the verge of collapsing)...and as cheating has never been something of my character, it made me feel pretty bad about the ordeal. Since then I have split up with the bf...and contact with the "friend" seems to be continuing.Mr. Online has been abroad on vacation for the last month but has recently come back. There have been talks about our previous meet up...how he enjoyed being around me....and how he would like to continue seeing each other to get to know each other better and "see how it goes". He's even interested in spending NY together. However, now that I know that there is a possibility of us seeing each other again....I need a couple of answers to my questions before I decide to take that step again.When we first started chatting, and he eventually added me to his FB, I noticed that his "friends" were only female. I thought that it was a bit strange...but since we barely knew each other.. I was not expecting anything from him and I didn't think too much of it. But now since he was/is on vacation, I decided to do a bit more detective work on him (just in case I did decide to see him again) and found out that he has another FB profile. This one appears to be for his friends/family/co-workers while the one I am added to just appears to have a bunch of women on it. Some of the information on it appears to be blocked as well. Same thing goes for his WM profile...all of his friends are black women. I happen to be an african-american female. I'm having a lot of thoughts running through my head right now...but I need another opinion to confirm or dispute em. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt...But is he a player? How do I confront him about the other profile without putting him on his guard? I just find it strange that he has access to all of my information...my friends...my family...my co-workers..the whole shebang, yet I am obviously not getting the same in return. Granted that he and I have not been talking for very long, but I have been completely honest with him since day one. I've been patient with him thinking that eventually, if he's actually interested in getting to know one another or whatever that he would eventually bring his other FB profile up. But he hasn't. Since his return, a lot of our conversations, at least on his end have been quite "steamy"...which suggested to me that sex is all that he is out for. Since he and I have been talking about being on the "same page" throughout all of our conversations, I had thought that I should ask him about it. While chatting with him last night, the conversation veered towards sex again. Mostly with him stating that throughout his 2-3 week long vacation that being with me was all that he could think about (he had sent me texts through out his traveling ordeals). But yeah, I got frustrated and sent him a message:"This is how I am starting to interpret everything...and if it is/isn't that way please let me know....Now I know things have been frustrating on both our ends since our visit and everything... I know that you have said otherwise, but I am starting to interpret whatever this is that is going on between us as purely a sexual thing (going by the last couple of conversations that we have had..plus some other details). Again, don't get me wrong...I've enjoyed having sex with you...alot...but it is not the only thing that is on my mind. I started talking to you because I thought that you were an interesting person (hell, I didn't even know what you looked like up until a week or so before we actually met). If it is just a sexual thing, at least on your end...I would appreciate it if you would just come out and say it...That way, I am allowed to act accordingly."To which he replied:" ok, great...i shouldnt expect nothing less from u...what i mean by that is two thingsu are a woman who can talk for u...and say whats on ur mindand nr 2..yes we did talk about completely completely other things then just sexand i feel a lil ashamed that it has begun to be a lot of what we talking aboutor atleast what i am talking aboutand i have to apologize about thati really liked our talks when we talked til 2am without anythingi guess i just got mindblown of how good we connected in bedbut u are right..it shouldnt take the over hand..as we do connect on so many other levelsi dont what to sayit is just like i didnt think about us sexually until we metand as it was so good..and since we are on the same level u got me startedbut i assure u...i wouldnt bother talking so much with someone in another city just for the sex thingit is because i find u interesting..and who knows...there might be something more for us in the fututreand i honnestly wanna explore more of ujust not sexuallynot just sexuallybut i have a very high sexdriveand I do apologize for that...but i hope u can bare with me being physically attracted to ubut i do see u as a person with a lot of other qualities"How should I be interpreting what has been going on? Is he a player? How would I be able to confront him or at least explain me finding the other FB after just having this conversation with him last night? I'm sorry about the long entry....it's just that I have absolutely no experience ( i have only been in one serious relationship) in the subject matter whatsoever.What should I do?
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co-worker, emotionally abusive, player, split up, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the useful advice. To be honest, flags have been going up throughout the ordeal...most of it just being common sense. But I guess me going through my breakup ordeal and me being out of whack, I guess I wanted to ignore my intuition and give the guy the benefit of the doubt (yeah, I know...stupid me).But yeah, boundaries are definitely being set up. It's not that I'm investing in this guy or anything...But in whatever kind of connection it is---purely sexual or a genuine connect-- I prefer to have all of my cards out on the table and have my intentions known. Thank you Cerberus especially for your input. A lot of what you stated was already going through my mind...but like I stated earlier..it was your typical case of ignoring the signs. But about the whole intentions bit....I mean, let's face it. He and I are both adults. And if he's into just getting some, why not just come out and say it? What is he benefitting from beating around the bush and blow smoke up my arse. I mean, I've said that I enjoyed having sex with him. Why not just say : " Look...I'm not looking for anything right now...let's keep things casual". I mean, it's not something that I was initially looking for...but hey, I am not completely opposed to the idea. I just hate all the secrecy really....Screw all of the smoke and mirrors.The flags are up and suspicions are at an all time high. I'm just going to go partially with Denise32's advice have my guard up and keep any further conversations from veering into "familiar" territory. Will keep ya updated...And thanks again for the help...Cheers!
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female
reader, bluecow  +, writes (15 December 2011):
 hot to agree with cerebus 100%, Ive been duped once by a guy like this (who actually was much better at his game), but now I can see through it.... Chalk it up to experience.
As for his double profile... I would have just sent a friend request, simple really.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): he's a player using you for sex. doesn't give a crap about your emotions aside from playing with them. don't waste another second on him. he's a total jerk and loser.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): I'm not being nasty but you'd be out of place to question him. You're not his gf and he's not your bf. That hasn't been established and you knew there was no relationship when you slept with him. And now that you have your emotions have taken over and you think he's obligated to be monogamous with you. That wasn't the deal. If things don't go your way don't blame him and the next time put time into learning the guy and dont give it up fast and easy. Find out where you stand as far as relationship and monogamy. He doesn't have to answer to you about his dating life. He's your fwb so why does he need to make you his girl when you didn't make him work for you because you gave it to him free.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): Yeah he's a player and he's pretty good too even if he is playing the lowest kind of game. It's funny because nearly everything in his message is stuff I used to say my conquests.
I find it hard to believe you can't see it though OP.
Firstly you were in a relationship. Regardless of the state of that relationship you were spoken for and he still pursued you. So his morals are pretty questionable from the beginning aren't they? Now you can give me the crap of you being just as bad because you were part of it but that's bullshit, you were in the middle of an abusive relationship and he rode in on his white horse. Something I didn't even lower myself to when I was playing.
Sleeping with a rebound chick and manipulating the emotions of a girl who is in emotional turmoil is low, even for a player. They're just too easy, not only that but it just feels wrong to use a girl like that and in the way he's doing it. I'm just glad Facebook wasn't around when I was doing my thing. It's just so cheap and you have time to think, plan and say the right thing, much more a challenge to pull that off with a girl face to face. Sorry got a bit sidetracked.
Okay so I went through the whole guy who doesn't mind cheating thing. That should have been enough of an alarm bell for you.
Two facebook profiles, one with all his racial preference of women and the other his real one. That's manipulation then isn't it? I mean he gets to project a certain false persona of himself without the scrutiny of the people that really know him. His male friends, his family, people who would post comments about the real him, maybe he even has his girlfriend on his real profile, why would he hide that? You know? I mean if he wants privacy then he can message and text, but this isn't privacy this is a complete falsehood. A lie. He's selling himself as something he's not then.
So that's two qualities now, a cheat and a liar. Sounding good so far right? Nope. He can apologize all he wants OP, the sex talk is a huge give away.
"i guess i just got mindblown of how good we connected in bed" The amount of times I said that to girls is hilarious or something similar hehe. Here's a sample of how I approached this kind of thing: "Oh you think I'm only interested in sex? Well I guess that's because sex with you was just so amazing that I guess it kind of got me a little overexcited, it has been on my mind a lot since it happened. It'll be easy to tone down because there are so many things I like about you, we have a connection on so many different levels. You're a lot of fun, you have a great sense of humour, that thing you said the other day *insert specific reference to something that she said that she thought was funny* I was telling some of my friends about it and they cracked up (he's already showing me off). You're just so easy to talk to, it really is like we knew each other another life/our souls connect/our spirits are in sync (girls love the idea a deep connection really soon, makes them feel special even if they think it's bullshit the idea is a powerful one that will grow). That night we talked when we really didn't talk about anything in particular was really great because while nothing meaningful was said it meant a lot to me to just talk to you. It was so good to have time with you and hear your thoughts in that moment. It's funny because that never really happens with me, I usually get bored easily but you're different. So okay, if I need to prove that I'm not only after one thing I will, and it will be easy because there's so much more to you that I want to discover" Then I always arrange the next date to be in intimate environment and bone her again. Rinse, repeat. You see a similarity?
Compare how used do it and compare how he did it because frankly this guy is an amateur, he says he's not only interested in sex yet even in that message, it's all he talks about. He's pretty much an idiot, you're lucky he's not me hehe. He uses a variant of the word sex 6 times in those few sentences, he also mentions physical attraction, exploring you, connected in bed. His language is a dead give-away when you examine it closely isn't it? He's like a child trying to convince his mother to buy him something. "That lollipop is really nice. I like those lollipops, do you like lollipops mommy? because I think lollipops are great. I mean ice cream is nice too but lollipops are way better. Look at the colours on that one, mmm I'd really like a lollipop right now." Want does that kid want? Well we adults are no different OP, when we want something no matter what it is we talk about it a lot.
Lets go even deeper shall we?
"u are a woman who can talk for u...and say whats on ur mind" No shit bro, every woman is capable of that, well done for pointing that out.
"it is just like i didnt think about us sexually until we met" Oh really, it is just like that is it? I'm of African decent, your preferred type of woman and I live 4 hours away and you weren't thinking about sex? Yeah, pull the other one.
"and as it was so good..and since we are on the same level u got me started" See what I used to say above.
"i wouldnt bother talking so much with someone in another city just for the sex thing" Yeah? So you were talking to me so you could have an attractive black woman who was already in relationship when you met her, in another city, so you can go down and have coffee every now and again?
"but i hope u can bare with me being physically attracted to u" In other words "I hope you can bear with me constantly bringing up sex"
"and i honnestly wanna explore more of u" I want to try different positions.
"but i do see u as a person with a lot of other qualities" Oh yeah, then why didn't you name one of those qualities? Why did you talk like a politician, you talk about levels, connections and qualities yet you don't name any and all you do is talk about sex?
OP forgive my long winded reply, I just wanted to give you my complete take on this guy. Because I think you should make up your own mind as to what to do. he's not relationship material but he will be good for sex every once in a while if that's something you'd be interested in. Keep him on the side. But a guy who lives 4 hours away is not going to make a good boyfriend OP, a guy who has two different profiles, who talks about sex constantly, who is liar and a cheat and who isn't even a good player to top it all off is just not suitable for any kind of long lasting romance. If that's what you crave then this is not your guy.
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (15 December 2011):
 Well, it was a big mistake to have sex with him on the first date - and would have been if it were dates 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.........he has admitted to being highly sexed, and that usually gets in the way of getting to know one another.
Moreover, it will be hard to step back and refuse to sleep with him now. but if you want to test whether he's a player, that's what you should do - and stick to it, no matter how much he might plead, or pressure you after a few weeks. It also means not going to his home (or he to yours) or to a hotel, etc. Tell him you want to slow down and get to know one another better for a few months first.
If he is a player, he'll be gone in short order when he realizes you're determined to stick to your decision.
Good luck!
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