A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend had a friends with benifits relationship with a man her senior year of college. They had been friends since high school. After college they went their seperate way, and only "met up" occasionally. Well her so called friend, had a girlfriend, and married her with out telling my girlfriend. They stopped seeing each other. About six months into our relationship I find out about all this when He asked her via IM to have an affair with her. She said no, but thinks it's fine to be friends with him. I think this is clearly a form of infidelity. His wife knows nothing of their friendship. Now she's moving to the same city as him for grad school, and we'll be long distance. She says I have nothing to worry about, but this has worried me all along. Am I over reacting? I think even if her intentions are totally pure it's still risky buisness to associate with a man like that. could I be in for a nasty surprise?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): I think this man has deeply disrespected your gf and you...and you have aa right to tell her to stop the friendship. I am wondering why she didn't tell him to 'take a hike' when he made the indecent proposal of asking her to have an affair with. What gall. Why the hell is she friends with such a scummy man?? Where is her pride and self-respect. The minute he called her and asked such a thing was the time for her to give his ass a final kick to the curb. Your gf has some self-respect issues. Tell her to work on that, so she doesn't allow people to walk on her, in the future.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (16 May 2008):
 I'm a bit worried that she thinks it's alright for her to be friends with this man still, Yes, and I don't think that you are overreacting in the slightest. You have based your reaction on the facts, the relationship that they had, her past behavior with him, and his IM question to her proving his intentions. I would ask her to prove her intentions by not seeing this man again, ever. It's quite obvious that it isn't a "friendship", it's always been a sexual relationship. As her boyfriend, you have every right to ask that your relationship be exclusive and that she should be willing to do this for you if she wants to be with you. She has real boundary issues with this guy. She shouldn't be in touch with him, period. At least, that's the way most girlfriends would behave towards their boyfriends if they are exclusive, in my opinion. I would sit her down and ask her what she wants, but be prepared to give her an ultimatum, him or me, and be prepared to walk away from her. Most women would not expect to continue any friendship with a guy like this, and it's possible that she wants to have her cake and eat it too, if she can get away with it. You should read her the riot act. I doubt that she would put up with the same behavior if it was coming from your end. Sorry to be so blunt, best of luck with everything.
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A
male
reader, CorpusDei +, writes (16 May 2008):
 If he's contacting your girlfriend to have an affair with him, then he obviously has no qualms about cheating on his wife. I have very little doubt that he would have any respect for the relationship between your girlfriend and you. I have no doubt that he'll be trying to get in her pants from the day she gets out there. So all that remains is the question of how your girlfriend will react.
She's already turned him down once. This is a good thing, and I'm encouraged by the fact that she was upfront about him propositioning her. However, I think she's being very shortsighted and somewhat disrespectful to you and to this guys wife by continuing her association with this guy, as he's already proven that he can't be trusted.
I think that you should sit down and have a serious discussion about how you feel about this guy, about how his recent actions seriously concern you. Let her know that as far as you're concerned, he's already shown a severe lack of respect for both your relationship with your girlfriend, as well as his relationship with his wife. Let your girl know, bottom line, that you don't trust this guy.
If you talk to her from that perspective, you do a couple of things. First, you're coming from the standpoint that you love and care for her and are concerned for her well being. Second, you're coming from a much less threatening position, because you're not immediately coming down and telling her not to associate with one of her old friends. You don't want to attack the subject in a way that would intimate that she might cheat with this guy, because that's going to immediately put her on the defensive.
I think that with some open communication and a clear understanding of how concerned you are about this guy, she'll understand that he may have been a friend before, but what he's doing now isn't too friendly for anyone concerned. If she holds the same respect for your relationship, I think you guys will be OK.
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